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the problem wasnt merley the actual abuse i endured at the hands of this person , it was the domino effect it set off , domino effects can come from many sources , it might seem weird to most people but ive never been so sure of the credibility of anything in my entire life , ive often been angry with people for a day or two or a week but quickly realised it wasnt a big issue or deal , this is different and deep and real
Believe it or not, I understand.
I wrote this out but didn't post it, but I may as well post it. It was in response to your post that damage can be done in six hours. I said...
Quote:
True that.
I'm going to share something very personal here. I speak of sexual assault on the job. It's because I can't bring myself to use the R word. Only it was worse than the R word. It was the S word. I hope I make myself clear. And this happened at my going away party. And my BF beat me up after this. Ok, that was pretty bad and messed me up for a long time. Oh, and the whole thing happened in a matter of 15 hours.
The second thing I've alluded to before, only I did not get into details. In the course of 24 hours I was decimated. It was implied or flat out said that I would take my clothes off for anyone with a couple drinks in me in front of my boss, who just kept saying...are you going to take that? OMG, what was I supposed to do? I kept telling this sociopath to stop it and he would not stop. I was in another city. I couldn't just run off to the airport alone. It was implied (or said) I had been an IV drug user. It was implied (or said) I was crazy and on psychotropic meds at a business luncheon. There's more, but those are the highlights.
I'm sharing this to illustrate that you are not the only person to deal with something (abuse) that has had a profound impact on your life. The way out is not to kill myself though. And since I don't want to do time, the answer isn't to go after anyone else either.
Other people do horrible things. I am not responsible for their behavior - only mine. I don't know what the answer is, but I know it's not to end my life over it. I do hope you will think of other options to deal with your situation.
My domino effect has been a disaster, but I am not going to get into the details. I don't know that I'll ever turn things around, but I do know that the sociopathS I have dealt with would be very happy to see me off myself. Well, they are not going to see that.
Not only in the grand scheme of things, but in the here and now. I've been following your posts. I understand that this person ruined your life and that you want revenge. But I'm here to tell you that killing yourself on her doorstep will not have the effect you think it will. If anything, she'll get sympathy from everyone she knows and you will be thought of as a cruel nutjob. No matter what letters you leave, you will look like a loser weirdo and she will be comforted by friends, coworkers and the community.
If you want to kill yourself, you have every right to do so. And you can do it where and when you want, provided you don't get arrested for trespassing first. But in the end, you're going to be dead and she's going to be alive and after a week or two she will not give it another thought.
Here are some other things to think about. What if it doesn't go off like you plan? What if you only manage to blind yourself, or shoot your face off? Then everything is the same, but you're maimed. What if she doesn't answer the door? What if the maid answers, or her children? Will you still do it? Or will you mumble and walk away? What if she sees you on video and calls the police and you get arrested for trespassing? Then you'll be humiliated all over again.
My heart goes out to you, because clearly you believe this woman ruined your life beyond redemption. But many people on here, myself included, sincerely believe that no matter what she did to you, you have a great deal of worth and can move on from this and have joy and success in your life.
ok , i realise my plans are extreme by conventional social standards but so is any suicide yet most people who commit suicide are not dismissed as nut jobs and even i am a nutjob , its because i was made one
i could commit suicide close to where my family live but i would not want them to go through the trauma of finding me , this way , they are not hit with such an event first hand , the person who created the conditions for my suicidal nature is the one who has it brought home to them in the realest of senses , this person is not married and they do not have children , AFAIK they live with thier brother , i may not even ring thier bell , i might just do it in a car parked outside thier driveway , timing an act like checking out while someone opens a door would be a tall order and the impact while increased , the main priority is checking out , blaze of glory is not somethin im interested in
as for whether this person would be entirely indifferent , you can only give something your best shot ( no pun intended )
That is for sure. I support three people with my job...quitting because someone was mean to me was not gonna cut it. And I did not want the bully to "win". I stuck it out....until I found a new job. Reality of the times.
i wasnt supporting anyone only myself but i was overseas at the time at the age of twenty , i was not on a standard work visa so i was restricted in terms of seeking employment somewhere else , i could only get a job through a particular agency from my home country , i couldnt even get a job in a bar as that was outside the terms of the visa
i often look back and see options i had however but hindsight has no value , i often even see options i had before i succumbed to depression but you cannot be blamed for not thinking of something in the first place
when i ponder the way things work out , i often ask myself if free will in its entirety actually exists , i dont mean in a religous sense or perhaps not even in a universe sense but people are often wired to respond to various incidents and experiences in a particular way , makes you wonder if some outcomes are inevitable
ok , i realise my plans are extreme by conventional social standards but so is any suicide yet most people who commit suicide are not dismissed as nut jobs and even i am a nutjob , its because i was made one
i could commit suicide close to where my family live but i would not want them to go through the trauma of finding me , this way , they are not hit with such an event first hand , the person who created the conditions for my suicidal nature is the one who has it brought home to them in the realest of senses , this person is not married and they do not have children , AFAIK they live with thier brother , i may not even ring thier bell , i might just do it in a car parked outside thier driveway , timing an act like checking out while someone opens a door would be a tall order and the impact while increased , the main priority is checking out , blaze of glory is not somethin im interested in
as for whether this person would be entirely indifferent , you can only give something your best shot ( no pun intended )
Do you not understand that you will be written off as disturbed and this person will end up with all the sympathy for having to witness this?
Your life is worth more than some evil woman's. You MUST find a way to find closure that does not involve being your own worst enemy.
Do you not understand that you will be written off as disturbed and this person will end up with all the sympathy for having to witness this?
Your life is worth more than some evil woman's. You MUST find a way to find closure that does not involve being your own worst enemy.
this person does not even live in the same country as me , im not too bothered about what the locals think of me one hundred miles down the road let alone overseas
something worked for a few people and now that applies to all of us. there is no cure for depression for some people that is just the way they are made. Going out and breathing air (which we already do) isn't going to change matters.
Well let's see - you put up with "horrible abuse" for 6 weeks, and then, after 6 weeks of bending over, you decide you've been wronged? I'm not seeing how it's her fault that you put up with it for longer than a day. You know the old cliche: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Assuming that you worked 5 days/week, during each of those 6 weeks, that's 30 days of putting up with it. So you let her fool you 30 times. That doesn't make her a bully. It makes you a fool.
Yeah and I'm a fool too then. I put up with my bully for a year and a half until I got a better job in the building and she hates me even more for that. She did everything she could to destroy me and my peace of mind and she almost succeeded. The only way I survived is that I had some real friends in the place and they kept me sane. Now that I've left that dept I've been hearing some horrifying stories about things that are happening and one of the guys just got fired b/c of her. These people are working with kids! Oh yeah, and now she's pregnant and any time I'm tempted to feel sorry for myself I just remind myself that I could have had that for a mother.
I don't know that I'll ever turn things around, but I do know that the sociopathS I have dealt with would be very happy to see me off myself. Well, they are not going to see that.
It is hard to turn these things around but it can be done as I've done it. Usually it can't happen b/c you can't be mean enough to outsmart them but fortunately for me I am smarter than the sociopath I worked with and I got a lucky break.
Yes, she would probably into paroxysms of delight if I offed myself in front of her--I honestly believe that was her goal all along. See, not all psychopaths are murderers and mainly b/c they don't want to go to prison, but if they can get you to kill yourself, and in front of them, then nothing would make them happier. No way is she going to see me do that--it's so much funner to make her miserable with my happiness.
I had a sociopath boss, many years ago, who devestated my career. At the time, I seriously thought my career was "over". I was actually too depressed to do anything drastic. I sat around in jammies for six months. I moved on, to an even better career. And in a way, a better job than that one. I won't say I am "glad" it happened to me...but it did strengthen me, in ways I never thought of...difficult to realize...this too will pass, when you are living it.
I had a sociopath boss, many years ago, who devestated my career. At the time, I seriously thought my career was "over". I was actually too depressed to do anything drastic. I sat around in jammies for six months. I moved on, to an even better career. And in a way, a better job than that one. I won't say I am "glad" it happened to me...but it did strengthen me, in ways I never thought of...difficult to realize...this too will pass, when you are living it.
No happy platitudes. Been there. Moved on.
been nearly fourteen years since I last saw my abuser , like a different life now compared to before
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