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I'm sorry you find this "laughable", funny but I don't see it that way. No offense but just because you don't believe this is a real condition does not mean it isn't. A lot of ppl believe gays "choose" to be gay and they are not born gay, and some believe the earth is flat or 7 thousand yrs old, does this make it true? These two books, especially the one about parents w/ BPD, fit this woman to a T, she fits 99% of the criterea. I've finally found a reason for the hell I've been living for over thirty yrs. This is not a bad roomate with a bad personality. There's much more to a person with severe BPD besides a selfish or rude attitude. My mother ripped up my Christmas gifts one year because of a perceived insult, had my pet euthenized because "I didn't take care of it"(not true), and sabotaged me from going to the college I worked like a dog for yrs to get into a month before I was to leave for school because she saw me going out of state for school as a form of "abandonment". This is also the same person who mortgaged her paid off home so she could pay for medical treatment that I needed. She can be wonderful, generous, and funny and then turn into a monster. She used violence, extreme verbal abuse/mental torture, and extreme shame to control and manipulate me. I used to wish that she just beat me instead of the violence coupled with the mental abuse. Believe it or not, the mental abuse/name calling was worse. And, everyone thinks she's this super-parent. This condition could not be more real to me and I'm just grateful that I finally have an explination for her behavior.
I'm with ya hun. It wasn't that bad for me, but I totally believe you when you say it was bad. And yes, I think one of the most harmful aspects of this is the fact that others perceived her as the good mother and thus saw you as um, maybe ungrateful? That was what was often tossed at me. I'm betting too that when your mother mortgaged her paid off home for your medical treatments, you paid for that too--you were probably reminded of the fact constantly. Well, I'm guessing that finding this out is a relief b/c you probably thought it was you. I know I always felt that I must be seriously flawed if even my mother couldn't love me. It's like if she was physically violent, at least it would be obvious that she had a problem, but when the problems are subtle and psychological, you're much more likely to blame yourself, so hang in there and heal.
I've met so many that you know them instantly. They appear in a far away mood, stand off-ish, and sneering cold reptile like eyes.
A hallmark of BPD is an early and inappropriate sharing of personal details. Attachment is all-important to s/o with BPD and fear of abandonment is HUGE.
A hallmark of BPD is an early and inappropriate sharing of personal details. Attachment is all-important to s/o with BPD and fear of abandonment is HUGE.
Hmm, I tend to be more forthcoming, quicker than most people and I'm 100% positive that I don't have any symptoms of BPD. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum--neurotic. Also, I think I read somewhere that PD parents have neurotic children b/c they take none of the blame, so their children take it for them. Makes sense to me.
I have a very good article about the narcissistic mother, I can DM if you'd like. With a narcissist mother there will be a golden child and the scapegoat. I can relate to every word of your post, I grew up with the same. They're capable of great subtlety and will sometimes bestow all their charms on one child. My father played a part in her disorder, even though he was a dear sweet man, after he died it seemed the veil of cover was gone and she actually became worse, controling and playing games with every family members emotions playing one against the other. The denial was heavy for along time, I saw it from an early age though, I finally made my exit and cut my contact to save my own sanity.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka
This is so true: I'm convinced that my mother fits the entire profile for narcissistic PD, which is related and often hascrossover symptoms. It has always been subtle with her, but from avery early age I knew something was wrong.No physicalabuse, but lots of "punishment" for not conforming to her wishes, which were often not reasonable. The hardest thing about it was that everyone thought I was the problem child who was giving such problems to my "lovely woman" of a mother and it wasn't really until the last few years as she began showing signs of Alzheimer's also, that other people began to see it, b/c the Alz strips away the covering parts of your personality and what's left is often the real you--her greed is amazing now that we're seeing the full force of it.
Honestly though, learning about these things has helped me a lot--I've gone from extreme anger with my mother for not loving me like mothers should love their children, to understanding that she was never capable of it in the first place and that's a good thing, b/c she's going to need a lot of care in the next years.
An example of her behavior: she has insinuated that I'm a loser on numerous occasions, despite the fact that I have a college degree and 2 wonderful and smart teenage girls--she absolutely places no value on motherhood and the college degree wasn't the one she thought I should get. She used a lot of guilt and martyrdom to conform people to her wishes and I never played along.
From Wiki: Narcissistic parents demand certain behavior from their children because they see the children as extensions of themselves, and need the children to represent them in the world in ways that meet the parents’ emotional needs. (For example, a narcissistic father who was a lawyer demanded that his son, who had always been treated as the "favorite" in the family, enter the legal profession as well. When the son chose another career, the father rejected and disparaged him.)
These traits will lead overly narcissistic parents to be very intrusive in some ways, and entirely neglectful in others. The children are punished if they do not respond adequately to the parents’ needs. This punishment may take a variety of forms, including physical abuse, angry outbursts, blame, attempts to instill guilt, emotional neglect, and criticism. Whatever form it takes, the purpose of the punishment is to enforce compliance with the parents' narcissistic needs.
A lot of the criteria of BP cross over and are criteria for other disorders as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilred0005
I'm sorry you find this "laughable", funny but I don't see it that way. No offense but just because you don't believe this is a real condition does not mean it isn't. A lot of ppl believe gays "choose" to be gay and they are not born gay, and some believe the earth is flat or 7 thousand yrs old, does this make it true? These two books, especially the one about parents w/ BPD, fit this woman to a T, she fits 99% of the criterea. I've finally found a reason for the hell I've been living for over thirty yrs. This is not a bad roomate with a bad personality. There's much more to a person with severe BPD besides a selfish or rude attitude. My mother ripped up my Christmas gifts one year because of a perceived insult, had my pet euthenized because "I didn't take care of it"(not true), and sabotaged me from going to the college I worked like a dog for yrs to get into a month before I was to leave for school because she saw me going out of state for school as a form of "abandonment". This is also the same person who mortgaged her paid off home so she could pay for medical treatment that I needed. She can be wonderful, generous, and funny and then turn into a monster. She used violence, extreme verbal abuse/mental torture, and extreme shame to control and manipulate me. I used to wish that she just beat me instead of the violence coupled with the mental abuse. Believe it or not, the mental abuse/name calling was worse. And, everyone thinks she's this super-parent. This condition could not be more real to me and I'm just grateful that I finally have an explination for her behavior.
So what is your point? A lot of people have been victims of abuse and childhood molestation. We can naturally expect victims of abuse to be a little dysfunctional and mixed up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PsychDoc
Most (actually the overwhelming majority) of people with Borderline Personality Disorder have been victims of abuse in their formative years.
The best treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder is Dialectical behavior therapy:
And as a psychiatrist you have no idea what you are talking about. There hasn't been a single psychiatric drug that has cured any mental illnesses. In fact there isn't any solid evidence that a chemical balance exists and that medication can correct it. Most doctors and psychiatrists who prescribe medication do not do blood tests, self report assessments, or brain scans. They sit, listen to their clients, and take baseline data that come straight from the client. Then within 10 minutes they say "OMG you have bipolar and ADHD. Take this pill".
Paxil and Prozac have been known to cause horrible side effects and suicidal behavior. It's time for people to stop wasting their money on this junk and learn how to problem solve as best as possible.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PsychDoc
Artsyguy-
As a psychiatrist, let me say this as politely as I can: you have no idea what you are taking about.
There isn't anything wrong with being forth coming. When people start reading up on these so called personality disorders, as I have done. We start saying well a lot of this sounds like typical human behavior in times of stress or in times of insecurity. I believe these labels are inefficacious.
That is the problem with these dysfunctional families. It isn't blame that resolves the dysfunction. It is the goal of problem solving together in harmony that nobody takes into account. Instead these dysfunctional types of people always want someone to blame. If you don't want to take the blame as the victim, why would a BP person take the blame. It is natural to not take blame because blame creates guilt and shame.
People with any dysfunction seek out a scapegoat versus working collaboratively with what they have. The goal is to have win-win situations. You yourself are saying "BP parents never take the blame". Yet the goal should be to problem solve collaboratively. It is called win-win situation so everyone wins and leaves feeling good about themselves. A neurotic person should have a better understanding of that. While a BP person naturally will dislike the idea of win-win. Both people cannot win in their eyes. It's a power struggle every time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka
Hmm, I tend to be more forthcoming, quicker than most people and I'm 100% positive that I don't have any symptoms of BPD. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum--neurotic. Also, I think I read somewhere that PD parents have neurotic children b/c they take none of the blame, so their children take it for them. Makes sense to me.
To the OP, I am so sorry you have a parent with BPD. I'm sure you love her, she's your mother, but she 's a monster. I think you are making a good first step in acknowledging that it's HER not YOU that's the problem. The quicker you realize you will never, ever change her and she will never, ever admit she was wrong, the better off you will be. People like her do not have the capacity to understand how their behavior affects others.
Actually you are mistaken. People with personality disorders do exactly what was done to them as children. They repeat the traumatizing situation again and again but onto someone else. They think of many clever ways to evoke the same traumatic feeling in others. They do this as a way of sharing their pain and agony. They know what they do is painful. They are relieved that their victims are experiencing their pain. I don't believe any of the Freudian psychobabble that prescribes dysfunction as unconscious or subconscious. It is very much in their conscious mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by #Littledog
People like her do not have the capacity to understand how their behavior affects others.
Best of luck to you.
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