Long term problem with my brother

[SouthernBelleInUtah]

I don't like my brother at all. Or my sister, for that matter. He is arrogant, think he always knows best, has no trouble insulting my honesty, or maligning my motives for certain actions. I was my mother's POA for health care and we had discussed extensively what she wanted. He fought me on every step and was such a PITA to the hospice doctor that the doc finally said he could give Mother some water. She had not been able to swallow for close to a week but he thought she was thirsty. I made him stay after he gave her some ice and wipe up the slobber that drooled out as she could not swallow anything. I got no more argument after that. Both of them spent maybe 10 min/day visiting Mother for the 9 days it took her to die. I was there with her 12_14 hrs/day, making sure her wishes were followed and keeping her company for the few moments here and there that she was aware.

My sister is passive-aggressive, a real PITa to deal with as she never gives a straight answer. She is also a hoarder. I was the executor of my mother's estate and they gave me untold grief about settling things. He thought I was trying to cheat him and she thought I was too "loud and disruptive" around the house. That was in 2005. If I had left things to them, we would still be in probate.

My mother told me which real estate agent she wanted me to use to sell the house. At that time I had owned 3 houses and neither of them had ever owned one. He argued about the price I was asking, got another realtor to call me saying she thought the price as too low, but she had never seen the house - not updated since 1970 or so. I finally had to drop the price $10K to get some offers.

After the estate was settled, I have never heard from my sister again. She is in touch with my children. Neither my brother or sister ever married or had children. She has since bought a condo. The only reason I hear from my brother is he convinced my mother to set up a spend-thrift trust for him as he was facing some legal problems and didn't want to lose his inheritance. He has since shown his utter lack of financial or legal 'smarts' and I am still in charge of his money. While I would like to be done it him, I feel a sense of responsibility for him. Maybe b/c I am the eldest of the 3 of us.

I think I would actually be glad to have him cut me off.

[JanND]

This leads me to believe that you are not as committed as your brother. You say you never criticize or argue...but you do not share his views and you spelled that out pretty quickly. Because he has only a two year degree you feel he is less than. Because he has a landscape business he isn't as skilled as you. I think most people that think they are superior to others would deny they come across that way. Maybe it is simply the communication here...but most of your post was putting him down, and less about what you say is his turning away from you. Most folks can sense when someone is talking down to them....even us less than educated types. I have a degree too, big woop. I have met many book educated folks that don't have a clue. Try to see how you might be coming across....that he may feel that you don't respect him....because you obviously equate respect w/ spelling and education rather than showing someone that you care, and reaching out...as you described that he did. Some folks put up w/ that attitude for a long time...but if you have the same disregard for his wife, as you have displyed for him....that may be the last straw. I hope that you will reread your posts....and see that perhaps you need to take a look at how you portray yourself to others...I hope that you come to the conclusion....no matter what family is there for you...reach out. Respect your brother for the man he is....he isn't the same as you...but that does not make him less than you. You probably could have some interesting dialogues if you just respect the right of each of you to be different. Take a moment, rethink this. Call him...keep the lines open....if you don't there may be a time that you wish you had and it will be too late. Blessings to you.

Originally Posted by mvintar

>> Are you willing to believe that some of the fault may be with you?

One might well think that, from my OP, but I never discuss any of these things with him. I've never criticized him, or argued with him about any of this. So it's more like the mere fact of my existence is an offense to him.

[LuckyGem]

Originally Posted by mvintar

Did you not read what I wrote? Family doesn't matter if it's toxic. There's another thread in this forum that addresses that. Anyway, I'm unsubscribing from this and all others posts. I should have known better than to expect anyone to understand.

This is precisely the attitude your brother sees from you.

Mod cut.

From what I'm reading here, you're living on the island you placed yourself on.

[ecaridad]

mvitar,
It's very hard when someone who is a blood relative is so different from you. (yes I do have some experience but I wont go into it). What you nneed is someone supportive with whom you can relate. I assume youre already in treatment (no i don't believe in homeopathic medicine but if that is what your into -follow your own beliefs, your own self concepts are very important). If you are ask the nurses / therapists where you are being seen about support groups in the area where you live. You'de be surprised how much assistance someone who has been there can be. My mother in law meet some of "younger" friends in just such a situation. These friends were a great comfort for her since they had been in her situation.
At any rate I wish you the best.

[deliz]

Mod cut: Orphaned.

this woman is dumping years of angst. Family doesn't have to agree on politics , religion , sex etc. just need to agree on one thing. Each other. I had three brothers all completely different guys. Loved them all for who they are/were. If your still viewing this, Get therapy to deal with your grief and get down to see your brother. In the end ....he's all you have

[Yzette]

Originally Posted by mvintar

I think his character is poor.

And I think you've seen the problem here.

I do not think you see him as less than you.

I see him as threatened by you. You have a better education and a better job, and, ZOMG, you're a woman! That's not going to go over well with someone who listens to Rush Limbaugh, he who calls women zluts for using birth control and sleeping with their boyfriends. People like that don't respect anyone who isn't like themselves.

At this point, I would move on and not let this stress me out any longer. Stress is not going to help you fight your cancer, and it's not going to change your brother. Sometimes we just have to let go of those who cause us pain and grief, for our own survival.

[lauramc27]

Mvintar, I'm sorry you are having these problems with your brother. I would, for your own sake, let it go. You have to consentrate on getting yourself healty.

My brother and I never speak unless it's around the holidays. I only speak with him then because my parents are here visiting and my Mother calls him then hands me the phone. The extent of our conversations are, "Merry Christmas", then I hand the phone back to my Mother.

[PJSaturn]

This thread has run its course. Closed.