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I am an only child and when we were still married, my husband was always making a big deal out of it and calling me stuff like “queenie.” He teased me in a way that he pretended was funny but felt kind of mean about being a spoiled brat. Looking back, I think in many ways HE was actually the spoiled one, but he sure put me on the defensive at the time. I feel like I let him get away with murder just to prove that he was wrong about me.
Although, come to think of it, I DO like getting my own way. Who doesn’t? But I discovered that being able to compromise generally makes life easier all around, something I learned way before I ever even met my ex.
We got married in our early twenties, and hubby decided that he was going to spend most of his time doing fun and/or creative things that seldom brought in much money. I decided that I’d try out life as a complete doormat – it seemed like a good idea at the time, you know? He’d be off fishing or reciting poetry at a coffee shop while I was off shelving books at the local library or sitting in a cubicle 9 – 5 doing non creative, non fun things that did however pay the rent and groceries. Why not? HE was the one with all that talent – not me. Plus, “Queenie” or not, my folks did teach their only daughter the importance of a good work ethic, and my mother always told me to depend on myself instead of depending on some guy who might or might not come through for me. Smart woman, my Mom.
Of course, the plan was that once hubby got on with a publisher or on the staff of some big magazine, THEN I’d get to “kick back” and raise the two kids I’d always wanted to have – no only child, thanks all the same. So it’s like me and my husband had this sort of unspoken agreement between us. If I got rid of my selfish and self centered only child behaviors, I would get my reward when the guy with the hunting rifle, coon hound, and a fishing pole over his shoulder – the frog trailing scraps of paper behind him as he walked out the door to vanish off into the woods for two weeks - would one day return as a prince with a fat book contract. Well, guess what?
The good news (for HIM) is that this man actually made it doing the stuff I described. As a matter of fact, my “frog” became pretty big in his small pond and if you’re super into fly fishing or know someone who is, you probably might recognize his name or have read one of his books or went to hear him give a talk just about anywhere in this country. He even almost doesn’t look like a frog anymore these days.
The bad news is that it took him 20 years to manage this sorta transformation and by then, I was in my late 30’s and had developed a condition which prevented me from having children – ever. Needless to say, I was absolutely heartbroken. But I always knew I was taking a risk to wait so long before trying to get pregnant, and probably had we both known, starting a family sooner would have been a priority for us both, also. I think. I spent a lot of time crying when the doctors gave us the bad news, but you can’t cry forever. As the saying goes, “man plans and God laughs.” Life goes on and no one ever has a perfect life that I know of, anyhow.
That man and I finally went our separate ways which was probably inevitable from the start. I could write bunches of other stuff about all this, but I’ve written enough already. I guess more than anything, I am amazed at how clueless I was and how I thought there was something really bad about never having had to wear hand me downs or something, so that I ended up just throwing away my own common sense and having lots of fun being the poor little victimized wife of the not-so-great guy. NOT! As a matter of fact, BARF!
Are there other only children out there who can relate to any of this stuff? Or am I too tired to post anything that makes any sense?
I'm an only child too. Like the others, I'm not sure how that relates to the thread of your marriage except for the fact that it was one of the things your husband used to keep you "in your place." I had a guy try that with me, but we didn't last much more than a year and the things he undermined me with weren't about being an only child.
Your husband sounds like a narcissistic dick, for sure. But I don't see what it has to do with you being an only child.
Only child here who has no idea what the hell the OP is talking about that relates to being an only child.
Yeah, I wrote that late last night after a very upsetting call with the ex, and I was too tired to pull my thoughts together. I probably should start all over and make TWO threads - one about the only child thing and one about how to deal with my resentments in regard to my ex husband.
FYI, what you describe is what is known in most circles as "Life" and it has its ups and downs. No one owes you dreams that come true. You made a choice not to have children or get a better career until x y or z happened, instead of adjusting to circumstances and compromising like most people do. Move on and stop blaming.
I am not sure how your narrative relates to being an only child.
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Originally Posted by glamatomic
I'm an only child... but I agree with Stan- I'm not sure how any of this relates to being an only child?
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Originally Posted by Trimac20
I don't understand how your question relates to your post and what you're asking exactly.
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Originally Posted by The Dissenter
Only child here who has no idea what the hell the OP is talking about that relates to being an only child.
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Originally Posted by JrzDefector
I'm an only child too. Like the others, I'm not sure how that relates to the thread of your marriage except for the fact that it was one of the things your husband used to keep you "in your place." I had a guy try that with me, but we didn't last much more than a year and the things he undermined me with weren't about being an only child.
Your husband sounds like a narcissistic dick, for sure. But I don't see what it has to do with you being an only child.
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Originally Posted by Colorado Rambler
Yeah, I wrote that late last night after a very upsetting call with the ex, and I was too tired to pull my thoughts together. I probably should start all over and make TWO threads - one about the only child thing and one about how to deal with my resentments in regard to my ex husband.
Let me pull my thoughts together and try again.
I too am an only child and as I read the OP I was bewildered at wtf she was talking about. She sounded like we came in half way through a soliloquy she had going on......
I guess if I had to sift through her thought patterns, what I get out of it is that he hubby manipulated her by using a guilt tactic, aka she's spoiled because of being an only child, hence let me do what the **** I want while you suck it up....
Best I can come up with.
OP, best of luck to you... you sound about my age,and there is still life left in you to do things that don't involve being a mother.
FYI, what you describe is what is known in most circles as "Life" and it has its ups and downs. No one owes you dreams that come true. You made a choice not to have children or get a better career until x y or z happened, instead of adjusting to circumstances and compromising like most people do. Move on and stop blaming.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know all about the life thing and personal responsibility. I mentioned in my OP that I knew at the time that it's a risk to defer having children for too long. But thanks for re-emphasizing that point for us all.
The biggest thing that I did wrong was remaining with a man who never wanted kids. I never called him on this issue, because deep in my heart, I KNEW it would mean a parting of the ways. He'd give me some half-hearted promise, and that would keep me hanging around for another year. If I'd been pro-active, I'd have cut my losses much sooner, true enough.
I actually had an excellent career, BTW.
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