Should the wealthy family members help support poor working class brothers and sisters? (holiday, college)
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We're comfortable. My older sister makes a lot of money. I don't expect anything from her. Sometimes she treats us. But then, we've done things for her too. It should be a two way street. There's no point giving her things of monetary value as she's probably already got it. I just have to show a little more creativity as a sister.
If you're generous, be generous. If not, don't be generous. It's up to you. No rules here.
If you give money to people who make poor choices with money, they will continue to make those same poor choices.Not only that, but it will breed resentment. You will be resentful when you see them spending your money on stuff you wouldn't have, and they will become resentful when the money you send them no longer feels like enough and they'll want more. It's better if you use the cash to help them invest in themselves. Help them pay for college courses for themselves, or set up college funds for their children. Or, contribute to their retirement funds. Offer to pay for family vacations. Outright cash? No way.
It sounds like they are actually asking for money, but if they aren't, you should clarify what their expectations are before you start helping them out. We are by no means wealthy, but are doing better than some of my family, so I used to pay more than my fair share for group purchases. Come to find out, I was deeply offending one of my siblings when I did this. I had good intentions, but instead of helping, I was actually damaging our relationship. Just something to keep in mind. .
I have a family member that I've been helping out here and there financially for about 10-12 years. I can tell you first hand that they don't learn once you give them money. They were family, so in a lot of ways I felt obligated to give them money when they needed it. Sometimes I would get paid back, but it would take months and other times I wouldn't. Through the years it put a huge strain on our relationship that I doubt will ever go away. I still love this family member to death, but the damage is done in my book. I just can't seem to get over it, because for a decade this family member has gotten better, worse, better, worse, and now working on getting better again.
I just have to note them as being poor with their money and leave it at that. Now, I choose what I'm going to lend money for, and even though they get mad when I don't give them all the money they ask for, that's their problem not mine. I'm near 30 and I have my own needs. I'm not just your personal bank that you can get money from, pay back on your own terms, and I don't even charge you interest.
For the OP, I would say no, DO NOT support them financially. It has definitely caused me resentment from how much I've financially helped my family member. Sometimes, you just have to learn the hard way and maybe, just maybe, they will see the light and want to do better. If they decide that they don't want to do better, than they messed their bed and they should have to lay in it.
I still think you would be better off helping the next generation with college and letting them get there on their own than with an allowance to this generation. Why not set up a college fund for each family and they can dispense it among their children as they see fit?
Are they continuing to make bad choices or are they just in a hole they can't get out of due to lack of skills? Two totally different things here.
If you are inclined to help what about paying their utilities or maybe send them gift cards of the grocery store? Stuff that covers the necessities and not the general Visa gift card or cash that can be used for unnecessary/wrong things?
What about offering to pay for night school so they can better themselves?? Or classes at a community college?
It is your complete call but it is wrong for them to EXPECT you to do these things. They made their own choices in their lives and chose not to go down a fulfilling path...
I have a family member that I've been helping out here and there financially for about 10-12 years. I can tell you first hand that they don't learn once you give them money. They were family, so in a lot of ways I felt obligated to give them money when they needed it. Sometimes I would get paid back, but it would take months and other times I wouldn't. Through the years it put a huge strain on our relationship that I doubt will ever go away. I still love this family member to death, but the damage is done in my book. I just can't seem to get over it, because for a decade this family member has gotten better, worse, better, worse, and now working on getting better again.
I just have to note them as being poor with their money and leave it at that. Now, I choose what I'm going to lend money for, and even though they get mad when I don't give them all the money they ask for, that's their problem not mine. I'm near 30 and I have my own needs. I'm not just your personal bank that you can get money from, pay back on your own terms, and I don't even charge you interest.
For the OP, I would say no, DO NOT support them financially. It has definitely caused me resentment from how much I've financially helped my family member. Sometimes, you just have to learn the hard way and maybe, just maybe, they will see the light and want to do better. If they decide that they don't want to do better, than they messed their bed and they should have to lay in it.
I don't ever loan money. I give money. If it comes back, it's a bonus.
Obviously we don't know the whole situation. I would love to be in the position you are in able to help out. But it would bother me if it seemed like they were expecting it all the time. But there are other ways of helping rather than putting the money right in their palms, whether literally or figuratively. Help them go back to school? Not sure if you would need to dish out any money on tis as it sounds like they would qualify for a grant or at least a loan. Help them find something to take that would help them make better money. Look at a technical school first. I've been thinking about going back to school to become a welder because I hear there is a great demand for welders and that it pays good money.
You can also pay a bill every now and then. Pay the bill directly. Don't give them the money to do it. Pay rent a time or two. Make a car payment or help out with a repair. If they have kids, help with Christmas or back to school clothes.
In the final analysis, you don't owe them a thing and you still have to worry about your own family. I don't know how well off you folks are, but how long could you survive in the event of an emergecy? A lay off or a firing?
Wow. First off, I would help my sister because she would do the same for me. We would also appreciate it a LOT and would never use each other or be greedy.
A friend of mine was just telling me how her sister had a rich friend who took care of so many things for her and was so good to her and she only became greedier with time and very entitlement-minded, he had to cut her off.
My opinion is, there is now "should" or "should not". Every situation is different, there is no law on it.
For me, I would NEVER just give over an allotment each month! WOW! How greedy is that? "Give me X amount of dollars every month because you made better choices!" is essentially what is being said.
Also, they have the opportunity to blow the money on stupid stuff, not pay bills, and expect you to bail them out further.
I would set up college funds for their kids, pay off a car loan, or pay for community college.
But handing over money every month like you are just giving them a paycheck because you are their sibling and are better off? Oh HELL no.
Esp because they seem to demand it. I've read your other threads btw. Your family does NOT deserve it.
If a family asked me or told me I should, then no way in hell would I do it!
After what they have said to you and how they live and treat you, then demand an allowance for you just "because"? I still can't believe you question it. NO, you should NOT support them. That's my answer for you plain and simple.
My sister has helped me when I needed it, so I would help her. She'd never ask. We appreciate and help each other. We would never feel entitled to the other giving us handouts on a monthly basis though, that's for damn sure. Wow, the nerve.
If I were in the OP's position , I would be very reluctant to help family members who were of the opinion that I "should" help them because I make more. That sounds like an entitlement attitude on their part.
I certainly would not want to "help" in a way that would encourage or enable family to become leeches either. Families so often break down over money, loans, business between them, etc etc. So I would not likely subsidize family because they had a lower income either.
In general, I do not think it is wrong to help, and in some situations it would be very nice, helpful, etc. I just do not like mixing money issues with extended family, as I have seen how greed, desire, etc can become a wedge and tear families apart... and it is worse when money is going between family members.
If they feel they need more money, they need to work even harder than they do now, to lift themselves up and out of those sub $10 an hour jobs. Not always easy in this economy, but certainly doable too.
I would consider paying for education (anything from community college courses or trade school to a full 4 year degree) to help them prepare for better jobs, and if they did so diligently, I might also pay them to cover lost wages and benefits while going to school full-time. I don't have those levels of resources personally, and any help family members need presently is very modest and they aren't asking - but we may offer. The old biblical saying of teaching a man to fish versus giving him a fish applies here.
If they are not intellectually capable, then I might consider modest help if it didn't harm my family's financial stability (i.e., if I had sufficient reserves to cover a year-long job loss, and am on target for retirement savings). I would keep such help modest, but would be very wary of providing this kind of help at all. They could become dependent and over time, ungrateful and entitled. That can do more harm to the family relationship than not helping at all.
If you give money to people who make poor choices with money, they will continue to make those same poor choices. Not only that, but it will breed resentment. You will be resentful when you see them spending your money on stuff you wouldn't have, and they will become resentful when the money you send them no longer feels like enough and they'll want more. It's better if you use the cash to help them invest in themselves. Help them pay for college courses for themselves, or set up college funds for their children. Or, contribute to their retirement funds. Offer to pay for family vacations. Outright cash? No way.
It sounds like they are actually asking for money, but if they aren't, you should clarify what their expectations are before you start helping them out. We are by no means wealthy, but are doing better than some of my family, so I used to pay more than my fair share for group purchases. Come to find out, I was deeply offending one of my siblings when I did this. I had good intentions, but instead of helping, I was actually damaging our relationship. Just something to keep in mind. .
^^This. Very great points here. I know someone who virtually supported a relative for YEARS. The recipient would constantly drop hints about money she needed and the giver kept on giving. The recipient moved somewhere she couldn't afford and spent money to keep up with the Jones's. Well, this went on for years and years. The recipient not once ever offered to pay back the money she was given. She once refinanced her house and bought all brand new furnishings and such, only because she wanted a change, there was nothing wrong with anything in the house. After the giver saw this, she immediately stopped. She helped her relative because she was able to and didn't want a penny back but the money she gave was never appreciated and it seemed it was never enough.
OP, there's really no right or wrong but I don't think we're obligated or should feel obligated or guilted into helping family, especially providing them with a supplemental income. If someone is in a bind and they need help, sure, I don't see that as a problem. You and your husband worked hard and made wise choices. If you won the mega-super-enormous lotter or something then I would definitely give my family a share, but that's not the case here.
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