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Well... You asked why a wife should care, so I offered a theoretical reason... And "the brother" IS my personal situation, so obviously I'd mention him... At any rate...
I believe it is the original family member's primary responsibility to maintain his/her family relationships. Of course, the spouse should be supportive of this and not stand in the way of it.
For example, when my husband was alive, he wasn't that emotionally close to his mom. We lived two states away from her. He visited about three or four times a year (usually twice with me along), called her every month or two and talked for 30-60 minutes, and emailed her maybe once a month or so. Meanwhile, my parents live in the area, so we saw them often. I also have a pretty close relationship with them in general, and no matter how far I lived away, I would maintain a close relationship with them over the phone at the very least.
Now obviously distance and finances played into how often he could visit his mom, but much of the amount of contact he had with her was his choice. I didn't make plans for him to visit her and didn't remind him to call her or email her. To me, that was his responsibility. If he wanted to visit her, he would let me know, and we'd find a weekend that would work. I never stood in the way of their relationship, but I also didn't go out of my way to make him have a close relationship with her.
Anytime I hear about some evil wife that only cares about her family and doesn't "let" her husband have a relationship with his, I think it's much more likely that she just doesn't take on the responsibility for making sure he maintains contact with his family. Any why should she?
Without explicitly "standing in the way" of a continued relationship with the family of origin, a spouse can certainly make it uncomfortable for everyone present for him or her to do so in his or her presence.
Last edited by otterhere; 08-20-2015 at 02:57 PM..
That's fine, but... Not wanting to get into all the gory details, let me just say that this DIL/SIL made it abundantly clear that she hated every minute she spent with us. Refusing to eat the dinner my mother had laboriously cooked, curling up in the corner with her knitting (like Madame DeFarge), refusing to speak, suddenly announcing that she had to go home to wash her hair, etc. Not just not reaching out.
And, no, she wasn't like that with everyone, so it wasn't "social anxiety" or "autism" or anything. It just killed her to be in our company, apparently.
But we seem to be getting far afield here...
Again, I agreed with the part of her not having to be the one to manage the relationship between her husband and his family. However, if she was rude to her husband's family, that's not cool. I don't always like everything about my husband's family but I make every effort to be nice to them. If we are invited over, I never say no. Holidays are spent evenly in both households and I make a point to remind my husband to call his parents and his sister and her family on birthdays and such. I just don't think that I should have to make the arrangements to see them, that is my husband's job. I will gladly attend, with a smile on my face and with the most pleasant attitude anything he arranges, I'm just not going to arrange it for him. We are closer with my family, we go on vacations with them, he plays soccer with my father and brother every Sunday and so on but if his family invites us to something, we make every effort to go. I always invite them if we are having a family gathering at the house. Again, I just don't think I should make him reach out. His parents, his sibling, his job to make sure they are a part of our lives.
I believe it is the original family member's primary responsibility to maintain his/her family relationships. Of course, the spouse should be supportive of this and not stand in the way of it.
I agree with this thinking.
To the OP, I think it is pretty common to be closer to one side than the other. We were always closer to my mom's family growing up, but my dad's family was very dysfunctional (father and all of his siblings are alcoholics and his mother is in some weird religious cult). I'm much closer with my parents/family than my husband is with his. I see my family about once a week. We see his family every few months. I talk to my family several times a week over phone/text/email. He calls his parents on their birthdays and the token holidays.
Honestly, I don't care to see my in-laws much. My MIL imposed on us for nearly 2 years staying over night 2 to 3 nights a week for her job. During that time she didn't contribute anything financially, didn't clean her room or bathroom, didn't buy groceries, etc. That experience left a very bad taste in my mouth. I found it incredibly rude. Yet, my husband isn't/wasn't close enough to his family to express how uncomfortable the whole situation made both of us. So, he just let it happen until his mom finally retired from her job. I got enough of her in those 2 years to fill the rest of my life.
At this point, I'm not going to be going out of my way for his family. I feel I've been imposed on enough. They live about 2 hours away and every time they come over it's a production. They have to spend the night, they have to bring their dog, etc. It's more than I want to deal with. I don't know how the distance will impact their relationship with their granddaughter in a few weeks... I guess time will tell.
Ditto. We (me and my siblings) know our mother's family a great deal better than we know our father's family (and both of my parents are still together, going strong for nearly 30 years of marriage) because my father never took much effort to really keep us engaged with his family. But that was/is my father's fault due to his personality/priorities . . . its not that he desired such an outcome, rather he just wasn't active building the relationships. Why should that responsibility have fallen on my mother?
If my husband was told to pick one family to do XYZ (holidays, dinners, etc), he will invariably choose my family. I'm actually not close to my family, but he'll still choose to be with my family. Simply because my family will not: leave him out, ignore him, ream and scream at him over some imagined slight, make fun of him and such. We have 3 kids and there's no relationship between them and his side of the family. My husband decided that when they turn 18, they can decide on their own if that's the landmine they want to enter.
It also works out the same for his brothers, they too are more likely to hang with their wives' family because they're nicer to his brothers. And their kids are closer to the maternal families.
I wonder what kind of relationship the mother-in-laws posting have or had with their own mothers-in-law. I think it can be very hard to blend a family. Also, as a daughter who is extremely close to her own mother, no mother-in-law will ever be as close. It is not that I won't love her and include her;it is just different.
Last edited by Georgianbelle; 08-20-2015 at 03:56 PM..
In my case, my sister's husband's family is large and they have many events (weddings, reunions, etc.), so it's his side of the family that dominates. On our side of the family, it's only me. I'm the single "old maid" and seem to get overlooked. At holidays, my sister waits untilnearly the very last minute to tell me whether I'm invited or not. She prioritizes what her husband and his family are doing and if they don't do anything then I get invited. I guess you could call it the leftovers. Last year, she waited until the Sunday before Thanksgiving (4 days) to tell me that I was invited. In the meantime I had tried to line up other plans with another single friend just in case she wasn't going to invite me. I would prefer to be with her but if I can't be with her, I would like to have some other plans. I could even go on a trip. Also my work schedule is involved, because I have to request time off, and if it's too much at the last minute I might not get the time off. So her attitude about his family taking precedence over me really bothers me. My sister and I used to do everything together when we were kids and young adults. We each had other relationships but we made sure we kept our sisterly bond strong. My married friends all make sure that they invite their single siblings to join them during vacation for reunions in the summer (even for just a day or two) but my sister doesn't. They recently went to the beach for a week and didn't invite me. I think she could put her foot down and tell her husband that she wants to include her sister for a couple of days. I don't expect to crash their entire vacation but a couple of days would be nice. I would feel included. The way it is now, I feel pretty excluded.
In my family (siblings are 70, 68, 63 & 57) everyone is always invited for the holidays. And, if for some reason an official "invitation" did not come quick enough you call the others and ask "Hey, are you having Thanksgiving at your house or are you coming to my house".
daisy, if you want to spent a holiday with your sister just ask her "What time is dinner this year?" or say in early November, "Mary, what are the plans for Thanksgiving.I need two weeks notice so I can get off of work".
Regarding the beach, did you say, "Mary, I would love to spend a day or with you and your family at the beach. What days are best?"
Your sister is not a mind reader you have to tell her how you feel.
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