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I have always wanted to go to London. I can imagine if my husband was going to London with his family and told me I couldn't go???? He would not like the consequences of that, and we have been married for years.
Why would the OP compromise? The spouse has always wanted to go - take them.
Yes I feel like the situation would be completely different if the spouse didn't want to go. I feel like when the spouse showed interest in going the OP said "Sorry, family only!" And just doesn't get that spouse is now apart of that family and should be included in major family events.
I have taken trips with my family, or to see my family (they live in a different state) without my spouse. My mom and I try to do 1 "girls" trip each year. My dad and I don't really go on vacation together just us 2, but we spend a lot of time together one-on-one. My husband says he's jealous when I go on vacation with my mom, but he's never serious about wanting to join us. Mostly, he's just jealous that I'm on vacation and he is not. He and I spend enough time together daily that me going on a trip without him isn't a big deal. In fact, I'm spending 4 days with both my parents and my sibling without my husband in December. This trip he offered to go with me out of "spousal obligation" but I let him off the hook, so he's staying home
I think you should go with your parent and sibling. I'm sorry your spouse is having a tantrum over this, but they'll get over it. Hopefully. Regardless, I think it's totally fine, and usually wise, to spend time with family/friends OUTSIDE of your spouse every now and then. Even if your spouse wants to go to that same vacation location-just go some other time with them. Just because your spouse is now part of your family, doesn't mean that you two are attached at the hip ALL.THE.TIME. It really is ok to do things without each other, and I think this qualifies as one of those times.
So in the same situation, spouse traveling with family, you would be hurt, but... I guess you just don't care about how your new spouse feels? Its all about what you want.
Since your spouse really wants to go, he/she should be able to go. Your spouse is now apart of your family as well. Don't you want him/her to feel included? Maybe it'll be a good bonding experience and he/she will become closer to your family, and you to will not right about them as much.
That sums it up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
Why? Simply because the spouse is having a tantrum? If I had been planning a trip with my Mother and Brother before marriage that trip would still be with my Mother and Brother after marriage.
The happy couple can start planning a trip together after she gets back.
How do we know it was a tantrum? I re-read the OP's replies and I see nothing about a tantrum.
It's odd - and a little sad - that you consider it as such.
Again, this is a place the OP's spouse has wanted to go but never did. Now, they want to go with their new spouse. I see nothing at all wrong with that.
I have taken trips with my family, or to see my family (they live in a different state) without my spouse. My mom and I try to do 1 "girls" trip each year. My dad and I don't really go on vacation together just us 2, but we spend a lot of time together one-on-one. My husband says he's jealous when I go on vacation with my mom, but he's never serious about wanting to join us. Mostly, he's just jealous that I'm on vacation and he is not. He and I spend enough time together daily that me going on a trip without him isn't a big deal. In fact, I'm spending 4 days with both my parents and my sibling without my husband in December. This trip he offered to go with me out of "spousal obligation" but I let him off the hook, so he's staying home
I think you should go with your parent and sibling. I'm sorry your spouse is having a tantrum over this, but they'll get over it. Hopefully. Regardless, I think it's totally fine, and usually wise, to spend time with family/friends OUTSIDE of your spouse every now and then. Even if your spouse wants to go to that same vacation location-just go some other time with them. Just because your spouse is now part of your family, doesn't mean that you two are attached at the hip ALL.THE.TIME. It really is ok to do things without each other, and I think this qualifies as one of those times.
Oh my god.
I am going to assume people that answer this way has not read the entire thread nor did they read the OP carefully.
Okay, your situation is totally different from the OP. The OP's spouse does want to go - and has always wanted to go, to this place.
This does NOT mean that they are joined at the hip.
This does NOT mean that the spouse threw a tantrum.
Meh. I'm kinda on the fence. First, I just took a 2 week vacation to visit my family and DH couldn't go because of work, otherwise he very was welcome.
Is there a reason why you do not want spouses to attend? All our family events are all inclusive, kids, spouses, etc.
Are you using up vacation days from work that will limit you and your spouse taking a vacation together?
Is there are reason why this was scheduled during your newlywed period?
What are the reasons you and DH are going to counseling about your family?
I think something more is going on here.
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We have agreed to go to counseling about not just this issue but some other family-related issues as well.
As a compromise, I've told my spouse multiple times that the moment spouse ever wants to do a trip like this, I'd fully back that decision. The response I always get is that spouse would never take a family trip like this w/o including me. I've also asked several people about this issue - all of which so far have had some sort of bias toward my spouse or me - and the response I've received the most has commented on my spouse's feelings of jealousy. I can see these feelings manifest occasionally; every single time, though, they involve my family.
I think putting yourself in your spouse's shoes would be to understand that he does not feel that taking a family trip and excluding spouses is reasonable. It's not something he would choose to do and exclude you from, so the fact that you would be fine if he took a trip with his family without you, is not relevant here.
Not to be nosy but I do find it odd to to in counseling so early on in a marriage, about other family related issues. Is this all tied together then with what you're in counseling for?
I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with going on a trip with your parent and your sibling, sans your spouse.
HOWEVER, I really only think that's normal if the spouse shows no interest in going, if the spouse is unable to go because of work/family/whatever commitments and gives you his/her blessing or if the spouse is going to take that time to take a trip with friends or relatives himself/herself.
Basically, I think this is only something that should be done with the spouse's blessing, which you obviously don't have. Wouldn't you feel hurt if your spouse planned some awesome trip and basically, "in a nice way" told you that you aren't welcome because it's for "family only?"
I suppose it might be different if you didn't spend time with your family, but it sounds like you do. I'd cancel the trip or bring the spouse along. Those seem like the only two options if you don't want to start out your brand new marriage the wrong way.
What she said ^^^ in its entirety
I am trying to figure out how much time she spends with her family using her own words. And why during the holidays, there wouldn't be equal time given to his parents -AND- her parents? why is that a question? Seems like she thinks she's married to her mother. And why she lives so close to the family, just down the street. I think they should move. Family is great but when it monopolizes to the point you don't even know equal time with both sides of the family is fair then something is going on that shouldn't be. And the fact they dont want him to come doesn't make for a very good relationship with your in laws. Obviously he probably wouldn't want to go with people who don't want him.
"The parent going on this trip lives across the country but spends several consecutive months before, during, and after the holidays living with my sibling and sibling's spouse and helping out with their kids, doing stuff around the house, etc. (This past year, parent also came out to visit on 3 other occasions (average duration of stay for those 3 occasions at probably 2 weeks), one of those being our wedding, and stayed w/ my sibling and sibling's family each time)."
OP please tay home. Consider yourself a married woman/man and remain with your other half.
Spending an exhorbant amount of time with YOUR family yet not as interested in his/her side of the family is selfish. Consider them your inlaws. And living so close to your family isn't going to help the marriage. Cut the Apron strings. Please act like a married woman and do what is right for your marriage. Support your husbands feelings. Go on a trip like that with him instead. You don't sound like you are ready to get married imho
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Last edited by OutdoorsyGal; 11-17-2015 at 11:37 AM..
I just wanted to remark how I thought it was weird you went to great lengths to use non-gendered nouns throughout the thread. Spouse, parent, sibling but not one mother, father, husband, wife, brother, sister.
Yeah I noticed that too. It is odd, almost like trying to remove your internal feelings. Very robotic.
Genders seem to be a hang up for this OP. I have a feeling that they do not compromise well and would never allow one person, such as the man, to be the head of the household. Pronouns are our friend. Somethings really amiss here.
Last edited by OutdoorsyGal; 11-17-2015 at 12:19 PM..
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That sums it up. 
