Travelling without spouse but with sibling and parent...spouse considers this odd? (holiday, reunion)
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If he meets his brother for a beer, I probably won't go. If I'm already out and about with him, though, he's not going to go out of his way to take me home first just so that I'm excluded. If he spends the day fishing with his friends, there's no way in hell he's dragging me out there! But if he goes to a football game with the guys, I'm coming along! Not because I'm jealous or insecure or controlling, but because I like football and I don't want to be at home alone while he's having fun at a game! And because it's always understood that if I go somewhere, he can come too. If
Is this really so strange?
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each to his own...but it is really that hard to understand that sometimes people want guy time, or girl time or yes even time with the family you grew up with alone on a trip? Here is an example, my husband and I both love San Diego. But if I want to go there with my sister, he is not going to throw a fit because I am going to a place we both love without him. He would get that I wanted some girl time with my sister and know that we will go another time. I am sorry but I still don't see the need for all this drama and upset over doing things separately. Why would you as a wife want to feel welcome for a guys night? A guys night is supposed to be just that, a guys night. .
Presumably, you've been married longer than a month? Your family doesn't dislike your husband? You've both been to San Diego? The OP's new wife is disliked by her new in-laws and the destination is a place she has always wanted to go to.
None of this has nothing to do with the OP's situation.
I saw nothing about "throwing a fit". The OP's wife has never been to this place and, according to the OP always wanted to go. The OP, as far as I know, has never been either. I can totally understand the wife wanting to go along.
This isn't a simple football game or a guy's night.
Perhaps it wouldn't seem strange to you if you wouldn't compare apples to oranges.
I was the one who kind of went off on a tangent there. But my point wasn't that I have to follow my husband around like a lost puppy every time that he goes to have a beer with the guys. I even said that most of the time, I won't go.
My point was -- if my brother-in-law calls while my husband and I are out and about and asks my husband to meet him at the pub for a beer, he's not going to go way out of his way to take me home. My brother-in-law isn't going to go out of his way to say not to bring me. If I trail along, no one is going to make me feel uncomfortable or unwanted.
To me, it's not that there is anything wrong with "girl time" or "guy time" or "family/sibling time." But I do think there is something wrong with basically demanding that someone -- who is FAMILY, whether some people see it that way or not -- be excluded.
Case in point, a text conversation between my husband and his mom from earlier this week:
Her: "Do you and L**** want to meet for lunch on Tuesday?"
Him: "L**** probably can't come because she'll be working, but I will."
Her: "Okay. I love L**** and wish she could come too, but I still want to see you. We'll have fun."
See...mama and son time. Good for them. But I wasn't excluded. Generally, "family" time, "friend" time, etc. will happen naturally due to the other spouse's schedule and interests. It shouldn't have to be demanded. And honestly, I kind of think we're all too old for "No boys allowed!!" or "No girls allowed!!" or "No girlfriends allowed!!"
But that is all off-topic. A trip most certainly is much different from a night out. And, what some people don't seem to get through their heads, is that this is a place that the wife really wants to go. If my husband took a cruise without me because he wanted it to be a "family trip," I'd be livid. With him and his family. Period. Call it jealous, manipulative, controlling or whatever you want to call it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
Yup, my husband has spoken with them numerous times over the years about how they treat both of us. It's like talking to a brick wall. After this wedding, I've severed ties with his family. That was the final straw....that and being blown off for Christmas last year. Here we are almost 11 months later and we still have a dust stack of Christmas gifts for his family. They're all being donated now. I've moved on. I'm soooooo happy that now I live a few hours away. It was like this when we lived 20 minutes away....how dare we not live in the same town as his family...well we couldn't afford that town when we got married and no one gave us a house to live in unlike the 2 sisters. It's super easy to live in a very expensive suburb when you get a free or dirt cheap house!
I hate you've gone through all of that. I'm sure it's hard, but I think you will probably be much happier. You've been trying for almost 20 years...you've done your part.
I hate you've gone through all of that. I'm sure it's hard, but I think you will probably be much happier. You've been trying for almost 20 years...you've done your part.
I certainly feel like I've tried....it's been 20 years! We've been together for 20 years....married 19. How much more does a person have to try? My moving on and not wanting to be bothered with them has gone over really well.....NOT! They act all innocent and have no idea why I'm upset....Nope. I'm not playing these high school games. The sisters have really turned into the mean girls from high school. Now that both of their parents are gone, things have actually gotten far worse! I always thought they'd get better. You'd think that after oh say 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, you'd get the hint that your brother actually loves his wife and she's not going anywhere and you'd get over yourself. That's not the case. So I decided that I won't be bothered with them anymore. I'm done trying. Quite frankly, it's not worth the effort! So I TOTALLY understand where the OP's wife is coming from!
And honestly, I kind of think we're all too old for "No boys allowed!!" or "No girls allowed!!" or "No girlfriends allowed!!"
Its not that no one is allowed, it's that is fun to just have time with friends alone! I have fun with my girlfriends when we hang out or go away together. It's a different type of fun than I have with my husband. A different dynamic. When we go out of town we laugh a lot, drink wine, go dancing, hang out at the pool, go hiking, and just have a blast. Sure, my husband could be there I suppose and may enjoy some of these things, and it would be fun, but I am sorry it wouldn't be the same. It's nothing to do with me not loving him or not wanting him a part of my life. I went on a trip with just my dad this past summer, he is getting older and it was great to spend that time together. Honestly, my husband wasn't invited to that one. Maybe that is weird too, who knows. I still think there is way too much drama here. Ok, it doesn't appear the OP's wife is liked by the family or vice versa. And she does want to go there. But all that being said, we chose who we marry, and the wife chose to enter into this family and no doubt knew there would be these types of issues. It does suck that the wife has always wanted to go there, but is there any reason she can't plan her own trip there with friends? I mean would it even be fun for her travelling with them? Since it appears they are going to stay married, work with what you have. There is absolutely nothing stopping the wife from still going with friends or planning something else fun to do. Also, I think I read this trip is only for 5 days? It's not like the guy is going away for months at a time right after they got married.
Last edited by canadiangirl_2015; 11-18-2015 at 11:10 AM..
It's a cold world out there, and your spouse is supposed to be your partner in life. The last person who should be making you feel left out and unwanted is your husband or wife.
I don't think this is weird at all. I go on trips all the time without my husband. He goes without me. Not a big deal. I also have a family trip once a year just with my siblings. I am actually not seeing what the problem is. Is this going to be an issue in the future every time you want to go away alone? I am sorry but to me it's as simple as this...just because you are in a relationship, doesn't mean your spouse needs to be included in every thing that you do. It's really as simple as that. There is no need for all the drama and hurt feelings.
Around here, basically my spouse IS included into everything I do. Sure when we have a girls weekend slumber party he comes out to be polite and then runs and hides upstairs.
I can't think of anything I would want to go do (especially travel) where I would not want him to go, and if it were with family THEY would want him to go. This even includes my late husband's relatives.
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It's a cold world out there, and your spouse is supposed to be your partner in life. The last person who should be making you feel left out and unwanted is your husband or wife.
Around here, basically my spouse IS included into everything I do. Sure when we have a girls weekend slumber party he comes out to be polite and then runs and hides upstairs. I can't think of anything I would want to go do (especially travel) where I would not want him to go
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But I assume that is how you BOTH want it to be. I don't want my life to be this way, I enjoy space in a relationship ( have been married for 13 years), and I enjoy travel and nights out without him. I also enjoy travel and nights out with him. It's not all or nothing. This is where marrying someone who wants to run a marriage similar to you is important. I can't get a read on if the OP's wife would be this upset if he went on a trip without her in general or if it's just because of the family/place she wanted to go issue. Regardless, if two people don't have the same ideas on this, can lead to trouble. I could never be married to someone like you, and you could never be married to someone like me, but that doesn't mean either is wrong. I would go crazy if I was married to someone who got offended whenever I wanted to take a trip away on my own with just friends or family. Sure, your spouse if your partner in life, and shouldn't make you feel excluded, but I would never feel excluded because he wanted to go away without me. I would feel this was if he ONLY ever wanted to go away without me and I was never included at all. And maybe this is the case with this OP, maybe not, I have no idea.
Another part is that my spouse is hurt by not being included. A part of the argument is that my sibling's spouse would be included if they didn't have kids.
If the other 'in-law' would be included if they didn't have kids, why the heck isn't yours being included???? My feelings would definitely be hurt by this, especially being new to the family.
edit: It's also weird that the wife WANTS to come and you're not allowing it. I used to beg my SO to come on an annual family trip with me, but he doesn't care to go, and wouldn't be happy, so it's best for BOTH of us to have a week apart then. That's the difference - he doesn't want to go. The OP's partner DOES want to go. What are you actually telling her is the reason she can't go? How heartless.
Last edited by Pedal Wench; 11-18-2015 at 01:57 PM..
I guess I just don't understand the situation because I am not married and not interested in it right now. But to me, it seems selfish of OP's wife to invite herself to a trip that wasn't meant for her. She seems like she's acting entitled. Just because she wants something, she should get it? Just because she's hurt and offended, she should get what she wants? No.
Why is it so harsh and cruel for OP to go on a trip without her? It's not like the OP and wife can never take a trip together. They can one day plan their own trip to the same place. But for right now, this is a trip for OP's family only. The wife is not "family" in the same way that OP's mom and sister are family. OP, mom, and sis have spent many years together and have created a close familial bond. It's only natural that they want some time to themselves so that they can enjoy each other's company and no one else has to be there. There's no reason the wife has to be there. She just feels so offended when it's not like OP was trying to offend her. I'm sure OP loves his wife very much! But that doesn't mean she must be included in all activities especially this special vacation that was specifically meant for OP, sis, and mom. And this isn't just any random time. This is OP's mom's milestone birthday. OP's wife doesn't even care about that?!
The only weird thing is that you say "my sibling's spouse would be included if they didn't have kids." This is the only part that doesn't make sense to me. Why include one spouse but not the other? Still, at the end of the day, that spouse is not coming after all. So now it's just a trip with OP, mom, and sis. Maybe the wife can use this time to spend some time with HER friends/family!
But yeah honestly it's stories like these that make me not want to get married. I don't want to get married if it means being joined together with some person who feels the need to invite themselves into all my activities.
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