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I AM the second wife, and I think you are behaving like a child. She is young, hurt, and feeling like she is not really part of her dad's new family. You have to be the bigger person. If she was trying to offend you and ruin your holiday, she won. You should have smiled, made her welcome, and just let it go. Once you take away someone's power to affect your mood, they usually give up. Sadly, the two of you need to get along, and the way BOTH of you are going it won't happen anytime soon.
I don't agree with this. Why is she "hurt"? It's not as if her parents got divorced and her father just got married this year. Her parents split up at least ten years ago, and her father has been remarried for four.
Yes, it sounds as if there is a problem between the OP and the girl, and yes, the OP needs to be the adult and take the high road, but this girl just sounds like a rude little brat. My daughter is 24, and NO, that is NOT normal behavior just because someone is in her 20s. My daughter gets along well with her stepmother, and as a matter of fact, so do I. If I found out my daughter brought a bag of fast-food slop to anyone's home for CHRISTMAS DINNER, I'd be ashamed and angry with her and with myself for failing to teach her right from wrong. I don't care if it's a family member. My daughter is vegan. She wouldn't be able to eat ham or probably a lot of things that were offered at the OP's dinner, but she would quietly eat what she could. That is the right thing to do.
What I want to know is, does her father not say anything to her about any of this????
You people are insane. I've never said she wasn't welcome. She had a chair at the table for Dinner (I ended up at the island), she brought Taco Bell & ate what she wanted, and her grandmother is the one who was in charge of bringing "the meat". But somehow I was awful???
Must be a lot of bitter ex-wives on this board whose ex husbands married younger, more attractive women & had more kids.
Not I. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary. My husband's father and horrible stepmother arrive tomorrow and are staying all week. I bet we have waaay better reasons to hate our stepmother than you do to hate your stepdaughter, but guess what? She's family and a guest and if my husband is okay with her being here, I grit my teeth and smile. She hates ham too, and ever since I learned that I always made sure there was a main dish for her to eat.
You need a plan so you can prevent ending up pissed off.
I'm wondering if that's even possible. The OP seems to be in a permanent state of pissiness when it comes to SD. What she needs to do is either some soul searching regarding her own part in why this relationship is what it is, or learn to let the little slights (real or perceived) go and be gracious regardless. Or both.
You people are insane. I've never said she wasn't welcome. She had a chair at the table for Dinner (I ended up at the island), she brought Taco Bell & ate what she wanted, and her grandmother is the one who was in charge of bringing "the meat". But somehow I was awful???
Must be a lot of bitter ex-wives on this board whose ex husbands married younger, more attractive women & had more kids.
She only had a chair because she took yours. I don't know if I want to "go there" but, I'm guessing that the kitchen island required counter-height stools, and the table standard sized chairs. I'm going to guess that the only option for her to sit with her fiance was to pull up an additional regular size chair. Most people don't have extra bar stools sitting around. Or, she just didn't want to sit with her step sibs. If there was somewhere else you wanted her to sit, I bet you could have said "welcome SD! Go ahead and take those 2 seats and help yourself to food."
The meat issue is debatable. Yes, she should have just eaten what was offered, or filled up on sides. However, I think I'd be pretty hurt if my own parents chose the holiday menu without taking my dislikes into consideration. I had a vegetarian spend several days as a holiday houseguest once. We had plenty of meat to eat, but I also made sure there was a main dish for her.
I think you set her up to fail on both of these points. You did nothing to welcome her into the home or the meal.
I'm wondering if that's even possible. The OP seems to be in a permanent state of pissiness when it comes to SD. What she needs to do is either some soul searching regarding her own part in why this relationship is what it is, or learn to let the little slights (real or perceived) go and be gracious regardless. Or both.
Yes, Taco Belle probably KNOWS how to get under the OP's skin. OP has to choose to react differently.
You don't have to be religious to understand the quote, "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."
Someone sent me a green saying non one "adores" other peoples kids. They "like" or "put up" with them.
Seems a self centered way to see it. JMHO
I adore many of my friends kids. By marrying into THEIR FAMILY, their family is what you get. You do not just get a husband.
Of course feelings can change. You may like them at first, then change your mind later. Hence why dating for a number of years is required to ensure you both jive very well. That you can actually be a parent
If you do not adore someones kids, or greatly like them, then do not date them. Because you are of no use as a parent to them, step or not. Their family unit is already broken somehow.
Since we've done foster care before I think I understand the rep comment to some extent. I certainly didn't adore all the kids we had, but the ones I was crazy about, had I been single... and also adored their father, then that could be a match eh? depending upon the reason they were with us in the first place.
Last edited by OutdoorsyGal; 12-28-2015 at 01:08 PM..
And more importantly, how are you going to manage holiday dinners at your house in the future? You need a plan so you can prevent ending up pissed off.[/quote]
I answered that a few posts above.
Include her in meal planning & ask her to contribute.
Make sure there are enough chairs at a TABLE for anyone & everyone who might show up, no matter what time.
Either make place cards or don't expect to sit anywhere specific.
I have to ask.....for everyone who thought it so awful that I didn't have ONE table with enough chairs for everyone (even those who were late), do YOU have one table that sits 10-12 people? If not, what do you do? Who decides who sits where? Do you make place cards?
Like I said earlier, my dining room table will accommodate 8. That would've still left 2 people who would have to sit in the kitchen. Who should those 2 have been? (I asked this earlier but don't think I got an answer)
And if it's the husband's house then it is also his daughter's house as well, in a way at least as it is the "family home" for the Dad's side anyway. Most families tend to act more casually when at home together. Or at least most families that I know. All this talk about proper etiquette doesn't make much sense in the context of a casual family get together at home. At least not to me.
Were there any other meats included in the side dishes you made? If not, your SD probably felt annoyed that there was no meat dish for her, and decided to bring her own meat dish.
Since you knew that your SD does not like ham, you should have had another meat dish so that she could have an alternative to the ham. KNOWING that she does not like ham, and then serving that as the only meat dish is inconsiderate and passive/aggressive.
I don't agree with this. Why is she "hurt"? It's not as if her parents got divorced and her father just got married this year. Her parents split up at least ten years ago, and her father has been remarried for four.
Yes, it sounds as if there is a problem between the OP and the girl, and yes, the OP needs to be the adult and take the high road, but this girl just sounds like a rude little brat. My daughter is 24, and NO, that is NOT normal behavior just because someone is in her 20s. My daughter gets along well with her stepmother, and as a matter of fact, so do I. If I found out my daughter brought a bag of fast-food slop to anyone's home for CHRISTMAS DINNER, I'd be ashamed and angry with her and with myself for failing to teach her right from wrong. I don't care if it's a family member. My daughter is vegan. She wouldn't be able to eat ham or probably a lot of things that were offered at the OP's dinner, but she would quietly eat what she could. That is the right thing to do.
What I want to know is, does her father not say anything to her about any of this????
She could be hurt because her stepmom does not seem to care for her. Who knows? However, the wife, who supposedly is older, has to set the tone by letting things go. Yes, the stepdaughter needs to use better manners, but the stepmom needs to quit letting small things get under her skin so much.
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