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There's a huge difference between doing this sort of thing due to being terrified for your safety (however baseless that may be) and doing it because he is a jealous freak.
In the latter case, anger is totally justified. In the former - not at all. If you explained to her that he does this out of anxiety and she still can't wrap her head around that (it isn't hurting you, even if it IS way over the top) that's her problem.
This is true. If it weren't for my neglected childhood, I might not be as tolerant of my husband's need to reassure himself that I am safe.
He views it as loving behavior. I think it's a symptom of his anxiety disorder.
Yes, although by posting about it on City-Data, it automatically became everybody else's concern!
Thanks for being willing to look at the situation from a different perspective.
Thank you, animalcrazy. In the past, people have said to me, "He's lucky that he has you because I wouldn't put up with him!"
Thank you. I wouldn't call it a "perfect fit" because, like you, I am the independent type who chafes at restrictions. But we do seem to balance out each other's needs, if in a way that some would find intolerable.
I'm not sure about the "personal hell" part because my husband seems to be OK with being the way he is. He doesn't know how to be any different. I wish that he would seek help, but since he has no problem than my choices are (a) leave him; or (b) adapt. I can't imagine life without him, so I have chosen (b).
So your friend isn't the first person who expressed her negative opinion about his behaviors and you acknowledge "some would find [your relationship] intolerable."
I don't think anyone cares what you two do but your annoyance at your friend FOR AGREEING WITH YOU (as it turns out).... was the issue.
Then there was the little jab at her for being single because she's so selfish.
Then there was the little jab at her for being single because she's so selfish.
I'd much rather be single than have to answer to some pathetic, jealous loser who needs to have me at her beck & call every single minute. Sickening.
In fact, one of the many reasons I am single is because I don't need a ball & chain like this. Life is too short to put with with this nonsense.
I've also noticed there are a lot of apologists on this thread re: this type of stalker-ish behavior. Wow. Can't believe so many are excusing this type of bull$#%$. I'll bet that many of you have not been in relationships where your S.O. ended up stalking you. If you were, I'm sure you'd end up singing a different tune! You don't know what it's like unless you've experienced it for yourself!!!!
I need to make it clear that there is no constant "barrage of phone calls and texts."
YOU said:
He dislikes it when I leave the house and tracks my every movement using the Find My iPhone app. If I don't arrive home at the time he thinks I should, he'll often call me to find out where I am.
AND
Just after I got to the gym, my phone rang. It was my husband. "Where are you?" he asked. He said that he was watching my progress on his iPad, using the Find My iPhone app. The app made it appear that I was at the gas station across the street! Puzzled, he had called me to find out what was going on.
That second one doesn't even make sense if you were at the gym which apparently is right AT the gas station/CVS.
If he's tracking your every move, he should know by now that the tracker isn't always 100% perfect as to which corner of a street you may be on.
I mean SERIOUSLY "tracking your progress" as you drive or park somewhere?
I can't even.
But that's not the point. The point is that you got angry at a friend for agreeing with 99.9% of adults AND snarking that her life essentially is an empty shell of selfishness.
I don't really understand the point of this thread.... trying to guess here..... getting support/validation from strangers on the internet because your friend isn't supportive?
If you are secure in your marriage, then I would wonder why the comments from people on CD would be needed. It seems the best thing to do would be to speak to your friend directly - "I appreciate your concern, but I'm quite happy with my husband." A good friend should know when to back off, and should know when they have crossed the line into feedback that isn't welcomed. And if they have crossed that line, then they should be mature enough to understand when told that their opinion is not welcomed.
I don't really understand the point of this thread.... trying to guess here..... getting support/validation from strangers on the internet because your friend isn't supportive?
If you are secure in your marriage, then I would wonder why the comments from people on CD would be needed. It seems the best thing to do would be to speak to your friend directly - "I appreciate your concern, but I'm quite happy with my husband." A good friend should know when to back off, and should know when they have crossed the line into feedback that isn't welcomed. And if they have crossed that line, then they should be mature enough to understand when told that their opinion is not welcomed.
The point of this thread is that I was puzzled and hurt when my friend reacted angrily to my telling her the story. I wondered if I was wrong to feel that way or whether she was being overly critical, and I wanted to get some unbiased opinions from City-Data members.
To runswithscissors, I do not think that being single = living a life that is "an empty shell of selfishness." Not at all. I was single for many years myself. It's just that when you're single, you are under no obligation to put up with anyone else's BS. When you're married, you have to make allowances.
To TheBigLebowski, I am not being "stalked." I probably overstated the number of times my husband has called me to ask where I am. And I don't think my husband is a pathetic loser. He's just a guy with an anxiety disorder. Not to excuse his behavior, because I agree what he did that night was over the top. But he isn't some insanely jealous freak, he's just a scared puppy dog who is afraid that he might lose me.
To Don in Austin, I am going to take others up on their suggestion but not to turn my phone off, just disable the Find My iPhone function. And I am going to ask him from now on not to call me just because I'm not exactly where he thinks I should be.
It's true that the Find My iPhone software can be inaccurate. One time I arrived home from the gym and my husband said the map indicated I was on a golf course which is just south of where the gym is. That one really made me laugh, especially since it was 10 o'clock at night. What would I be doing at a golf course at 10 o'clock at night?
To runswithscissors, I do not think that being single = living a life that is "an empty shell of selfishness." Not at all. I was single for many years myself. It's just that when you're single, you are under no obligation to put up with anyone else's BS. When you're married, you have to make allowances.
You're forgetting, that some people are single because they chose to divorce crazy people.
People who are single aren't people who feel the need to put up with crazy behavior.
I chose to divorce men - twice - who behaved inappropriately, for various reasons. You don't have to stay with anyone in America. You don't have to stay married and put up with anyone's BS. You can choose not to "make allowances," whether it's stalking controlling behavior, affairs, or anything else.
So, who is the one who deserves to be disparaged here? The woman who is single by choice, because she won't put up with inappropriate behavior? Or the one who puts up with it in order to stay married?
My point is that, you have the right to put up with your husband's BS. But, I don't think it's fair of you to disparage your "single" friend, because she would not, and doesn't think you should.
You're forgetting, that some people are single because they chose to divorce crazy people.
People who are single aren't people who feel the need to put up with crazy behavior.
I chose to divorce men - twice - who behaved inappropriately, for various reasons. You don't have to stay with anyone in America. You don't have to stay married and put up with anyone's BS. You can choose not to "make allowances," whether it's stalking controlling behavior, affairs, or anything else.
So, who is the one who deserves to be disparaged here? The woman who is single by choice, because she won't put up with inappropriate behavior? Or the one who puts up with it in order to stay married?
My point is that, you have the right to put up with your husband's BS. But, I don't think it's fair of you to disparage your "single" friend, because she would not, and doesn't think you should.
Fair enough, but I was not in any way disparaging my friend.
Fair enough, but I was not in any way disparaging my friend.
Yes, you were, by your comment about her being single and therefore not understanding how you must put up with crazy behavior, because you are married.
You keep trying to justify your situation.
I think you should just admit that your situation is nuts, that your friend is right for saying it's nuts and she is right to be angry about it - but it's your choice to stay in a situation that rightfully would make most people angry.
You still have every right to stay in the relationship and be okay with it. But, yes, you did disparage your friend, and tried to dismiss her opinion based on the fact that she doesn't have to put up with crazy behavior because she's single. And that rationalization is not rational. In my opinion.
Yes, you were, by your comment about her being single and therefore not understanding how you must put up with crazy behavior, because you are married.
You keep trying to justify your situation.
I think you should just admit that your situation is nuts, that your friend is right for saying it's nuts and she is right to be angry about it - but it's your choice to stay in a situation that rightfully would make most people angry.
You still have every right to stay in the relationship and be okay with it. But, yes, you did disparage your friend, and tried to dismiss her opinion based on the fact that she doesn't have to put up with crazy behavior because she's single. And that rationalization is not rational. In my opinion.
True, it's better to be happily single than be with dysfunctional partners. I don't disparage you, my friend or anyone else for making that choice, I'm just saying that it's different when you're single, the same way it's different when you become a parent. Your priorities can't help but be different. Not better, not worse - just different. No disparagement intended.
As for me, I have chosen to stay with my husband despite his anxiety disorder, and no one has the right to judge me for that, either. We have been together for over 32 years, we love each other, and I'm in it for the long haul. He is having some memory problems lately. He sometimes asks me the same question several times. I suspect he may be facing dementia sometime in the future. His increased anxiety might be one of the symptoms. If so, the situation could become even more "nuts." When and if it happens I'll deal with that, too, because I love him. If that is "justifying my situation," then I plead guilty.
Last edited by Bayarea4; 10-25-2016 at 10:52 PM..
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