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OP, it sounds like you already have a solid plan. You're in school right now, so focus on that. You may be moving away in only 3 years, so who cares if you don't have friends at this moment? You have your wife, which is more than a lot of people on this forum have--a good relationship and loving, supportive partner, so count your blessings. You're busy with both work and school; how much time would you have for a friendship, anyway? Not much. Honestly, with such a short time-frame in that location, I wouldn't worry about it. And if you need more companionship than your wife can offer, be open to friendships with someone in a different age group.
Realistically speaking, what would be the point of making a good buddy when you'd have to leave them in 3 or 4 years, anyway? There's something to be said for developing some emotional independence. I look at your situation, and I see the glass as 1/2 full, not half empty; you're blessed to have a good partner.
Hey, OP, fellow vegan! I totally get the love for cooking and eating well and compassionately. Problem is that I am 62, so not many in my age group who are. Just happy that I have a husband who wants to eat the same way. I tried some vegan Meetup groups, even running my own, but that wasn't the answer either. There can be friction between those who do it for the animals versus those who do it for their health or the environment (why can't it be all three?). And even though they were vegan, many were junk food eaters and not inclined to cook for potlucks, so it wasn't a good experience. You could try to start one and see how many sign up in your area. It definitely won't be as many as would be in the Pacific Northwest, but maybe you would meet a few new friends.
I also have quirky interests and don't share the mainstream interests like bars, sports, shopping, Hollywood movies, etc. It's hard. I used to think that maybe I should retire in the NW and find my tribe---but then on further investigation, was discouraged like you by the cost of living, as well as the conformity to nonconformity and the lackluster weather and kind of a sense of apathy instead of vitality that a lot of the young people seem to have. So I am just blooming where I am planted (Atlanta---not the ideal fit for a 62 year old nonmaterialistic atheist free spirited liberal(ish) vegan, but it's possible to live a good life).
It helps that I am an introvert and need frequent but limited contact with people. An hour class at the gym feels that need. I get drained when I'm with people for several hours. You might find that you would be similarly drained, even though it seems like it would be appealing to have some friends to hang out with.
I'm drawn to solitary pursuits, so much of the advice about how to meet like-minded people doesn't work for me. I'm an avid reader, but that doesn't mean I would enjoy a book club where they read books I wouldn't like and it's more social than about the book. I like learning spiritual stuff/about Buddhism, but on my own, not at Buddhist temple.
Perhaps the best advice I could give you is to not ever try to fit in. Be open to making friends and finding your tribe, but not at the expense of diminishing/changing who you are. Read up on belonging versus fitting in. Brene Brown said it so well about not trying to twist yourself into a human pretzel (except during yoga, of course, but even then you do it in a nonviolent way that doesn't cause injury) to have people allow you to hang out with them:
n fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all.
Many us suffer from this split between who we are and who we present to the world in order to be accepted, (Take it from me: I'm an expert fitter-inner!) But we're not letting ourselves be known, and this kind of incongruent living is soul-sucking."
It's not necessarily the current location. You said in your original post this has been going on for 10 years, and you're only in your late 20s now. Is it really going to be that different in another region? Maybe you should try to get to know people for who they are, not what they like to do to pass the time. You will probably find you have more in common philosophically than you thought.
Also, the fact that you said you don't want to put the effort into planning a group or activity is a little one sided too.
Why do you think I would preach about it? I'm humble about my diet and I really don't condemn anyone for eating animal products. Let people eat what they want to eat, it doesn't affect me!
It's a big part of who you are. It's sort of your life style. It's similar to saying you're a fitness enthusiast, or a huge sports fan, or a mother or father. But usually we say it for practical reasons. We can't eat what the majority of people in the world eat, so it helps avoid awkward situations with people offering food or going to eat out. There is also a certain level of happiness and pride that being vegan brings us, so we just feel good about it and feel happy to share it.
Also, the fact you're vegan or vegetarian ALWAYS eventually comes out. A lot of people don't treat us very well at all, or to some degree treat us as strange or weird. I've been downright bullied for being vegan at some of my past jobs, and I'm not even joking. Sometimes it's better to just be confident in who you are and not try to hide it.
As for the loving all types of food comment, I guess that is a kind of ironic statement! That being said, I do love all the food I can eat and there is tons of it out there. My wife and I cook big from scratch meals several times a week and we make a lot of our own staples and ingredients as well. We love the art of cooking and we find it amazing how much can be done even with a vegan diet!
Not a huge issue, but it does create generational barriers from time to time. I've been good friends with many older individuals. 10 years ago I used to play raquetball with a group of 40 year old men, it was a blast. My last very good friend was also in his forties, more than almost 20 years older than me at the time. Even in my gardening group I learned a great deal from some of the elderly ladies in the group. Their experiences and wisdom were wonderful to listen to. I also had a 60 year old male friend from a bowling league I did about 6 years ago.
So I'm not against this, but I just wanted to mention it does create barriers sometimes. For example, a single 20 year old will have a hard time relating to a 40 year old who has kids and a family. A 40 year old may have a yard time relating to a 70 year old who is retired and has infinite free time. A 70 year old may have trouble relating to a 20 year old because generational interests are so different. I need to stress again, it's not a deal breaker, but it just throws a few more obstacles in the way.
I get what you're saying and it is understandable. But you describe your area as remote and you're somewhere in the Midwest.
So if the people you find you relate the best to are older, than until you move to an area where you can find more people in your age group, you play the hand you're dealt.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hertfordshire
Okay, just a tip ... non-vegans don't care, and are usually doing an internal eye-roll when it's the first thing a person says about themselves. I can't eat what a majority of the people in the world eat, but I don't introduce myself by saying that I'm gluten free. And if it's going to eventually come out, let it happen EVENTUALLY.
Agree, and you can put in a few other subjects into that "first thing a person says about themselves" category.
You want to win people over? Say something humorous and keep it light. Be known as the person who can make them laugh and smile, not the person who has dietary restrictions you didn't need to know about at first meeting.
Your location sounds a little like Kansas to me. You sound more west coast...or west of Kansas anyway. I have lived here my whole life and I'm making plans to move soon. I stayed for family. Now I'm leaving for me. Is there any chance that you could relocate yourself to some place more suited to your tastes and likes? Around here the larger cities are fairly progressive and up to speed with everyone else. But if you're rural, and it sounds like you are, boy do I feel for you.
Don't make the mistake of living the best, most exciting and productive years of your life in an environment that limits you, or doesn't inspire you.
Racquetball is a great way to meet people. It's also a phenomenal sport. Great for your health, cardio, exercise, while also being very cerebral. I met a ton of people playing leagues, tournaments, and pick up games.
If you are ever in my neck of the woods I'll play you!
I agree, you have to be in the right place or you are gong to be miserable. It's as simple as that.
I have lived in Hawaii, St Pete and San Francisco and it was easy to find like minded people here in St Pete (I'm a Zen Buddhist, artist, photographer that shoots only B&W film, extremely liberal, very outspoken, love real coffee houses and despise StarSucks, etc). Living in Volusia county Florida was hell. Every conversation quickly devolved into "that (fill in the blank) in the White House". Seriously, it didn't matter what the topic was, that is what happened. Here in St Pete, most conversations ascend to "that misogynist nut that is trying to parlay casino ownership and women groping into the presidency". That's an over simplification, and there are Trump supporters here and there, but their yard signs stand out because there are so few of them. They're always in a very poor neighborhood w/ weeds for a yard, or in some one percenter's Mc Mansion w/ a carefully trimmed lawn.
If I had to go back to Daytona I would be kicking and screaming, but you couldn't pry me out of St Pete w/ a crowbar. It took forever to find this place, and I had given up on Florida and most of the mainland actually, but here I am happy. Places will change though. I could never live in San Francisco anymore. It has turned into some place that I don't even recognize anymore. More like Manhattan, and it is hardly liberal except for pockets here and there. Everyone I knew was priced out, and it's a completely different scene now. It may LOOK liberal if you read the paper or something, but it isn't. Whenever there is a newspaper article on the homeless I read the comments, and they may as well be coming from Dallas, Texas!
I just don't understand why people feel like they have to have a list of things in common in order to socialize. When a new family moved in next door, the woman and I started getting together a few times a month for coffee or a walk. This was a year ago. To this day I have no idea what her political affiliation is, or if she is even religious. Those topics just never come up. They are natives of another country and so I find it interesting just to ask her about how things are done back home, or we talk about places we want to visit...simple stuff but it's nice bonding time. She brought me food when I was very sick a few months ago. I don't need to know her political affiliation to know she's a nice caring person.
Why do you think I would preach about it? I'm humble about my diet and I really don't condemn anyone for eating animal products.
But you brought it up in the original post and it just is not that important. Who cares? OH wait, YOU care.
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_grimace
Let people eat what they want to eat, it doesn't affect me!
OK, so how many people do you meet that in their first conversation with you make a point to say they are an omnivore? If people, not at a BBQ event, Steakhouse or some other meat centered event came out and said they are an omnivore of carnivore out of the blue I would also find that weird.
It is like when I go into a bar and someone comes in and orders a jack and coke and then tells me they are a born again christian. I usually try my best to get away from that person. Not because they are a born again christian but they are A. In a bar drinking alcohol and B. Leading with that which greatly increases my chances of hearing about it.
I have no interest in it no matter how much they do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_grimace
It's a big part of who you are. It's sort of your life style.
OH, so you are judging lifestyles? Why do you think people who you just meet care about your lifestyle?
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_grimace
It's similar to saying you're a fitness enthusiast,
No it is not. I have been working out on and off for over 30 years and I do not think I have ever had someone I first meet say they are a fitness enthusiast. They may say "Hey I can't drink that I am running a marathon tomorrow." but that is totally different IMHO. I would expect a person that says that they are a fitness enthusiast to be anything but. To me they tell me this because they want me to believe they are for some reason.
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_grimace
or a huge sports fan, or a mother or father.
Sports fans can be annoying as well. But a mother and a father? Even though they can be annoying if they talk too much about it or show too many pictures have something to be proud of. If you are saying you are proud to be a vegan than you have very little to be proud of and no wonder people avoid you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_grimace
But usually we say it for practical reasons. We can't eat what the majority of people in the world eat, so it helps avoid awkward situations with people offering food or going to eat out.
You can't or you won't? There is a huge difference here....
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_grimace
There is also a certain level of happiness and pride that being vegan brings us, so we just feel good about it and feel happy to share it.
Well there you go. I personally do not care about your fashion choice. I find people who preach their fashion choice to generally be boring, hypocritical and whiney.
To this day I remember the first vegetarian I met. She was very vocal about it and very annoying. But she was fat! I was like WTF? She kept telling me how vegetarians were healthier and blah and blah (Sorry I tuned her out) and she was FAT! Not like chunky but fat. Then one day I went into her office and saw the big bowl of chocolates on her desks. In my mind I said....oh yeah there is not meat in chocolate!
It's a big part of who you are. It's sort of your life style. It's similar to saying you're a fitness enthusiast, or a huge sports fan, or a mother or father. But usually we say it for practical reasons. We can't eat what the majority of people in the world eat, so it helps avoid awkward situations with people offering food or going to eat out. There is also a certain level of happiness and pride that being vegan brings us, so we just feel good about it and feel happy to share it.
.
OP, I was a vegetarian for over 10 years. Not a vegan, but still--vegetarianism wasn't mainstream, and didn't fit in with certain crowds. However, I never thought it was a big part of who I was, and it was not a lifestyle. It's a diet. Pride wasn't involved; I was low key about it, and didn't get ego-involved about it. I didn't view it as part of my identity. I saw no need to share with others the fact that I had a special diet. I don't know why you or anyone else would. Maybe this is one reason why you have trouble making friends. Everything else you describe about yourself seems quire compatible with many people I know. But you seem a bit carried away with your status as a vegan.
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