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- I wouldn't go so far as calling MIL a bully, or a jerk for that matter. When I say she means well I really do mean that - I know her well enough to say for certain that she loves us, and all of the comments and criticisms are really not intended to offend me or push me around. She really does believe it all comes from nothing but goodwill and wanting the best for us and the kids. However, she also tends to take things super personally, and gets offended super easily. Which is why I tried not to bring this up before - because I couldn't think of a way to do it without her getting her feelings hurt. I knew she would take it as a personal offense, because she sincerely did not think her comments are insulting (which is also why she never frames them as direct statements at me but always as veiled offhand comments). She also doesn't do well with any discussion around feelings - she just shuts down. Which is again, why I could never think of a good way to discuss this with her. She's extremely anxious and high-strung and very fussy when it comes to the kids - like she literally won't sit down when they're around, she keeps running around and trying to do something, bring something, feed someone, pick up the baby at the slightest whimper etc. It's exhausting.
- hubby knows the issue and is on my side and has tried talking to her many times, but, he's not good at it. Like many men he has trouble picking the right words and tone - and with her, it's like navigating a minefield. Whenever he brought it up nicely she ignored it and brushed it off; and when he said it more directly and harshly, she would get offended and shut down, sometimes going as far as hanging up on him. She also accused him of things she would never voice to me, like when he said the baby didn't need a full change of clothes just because he got a drop of water on his shirt - she lashed out at him that he's selfish and lazy, "how would you like walking around in wet clothes, the baby can't tell you how he feels!" She'd never say that to me but obviously that's what she thinks when I've said things like that before. DH stepped in yesterday too before I snapped, saying it's 73 in the house and warm enough and telling her to stop it, she just ignored him. He thinks I did the right thing by finally voicing how I feel.
- I decided not to apologize. She's too polite to keep acting offended, so we're acting like nothing happened. I don't think I did anything particularly offensive, aside from having a sharper edge to my tone that I usually do in talking to her. I didn't yell, fyi, and I still spoke politely, I just had a definite steel edge in my voice and I sounded agitated, AND I brought up her parenting which was a first. But I feel that apologizing would put me back - it would be admitting that I was wrong and acted immaturely, and would give her reason to keep treating me as a minor. By putting it behind us without saying anything, I feel I have at least made a statement that may make her think she was maybe wrong, and at least she'll think twice before making these comments again. I did also turn to my mom and made a point of telling her the same thing right after, so MIL wouldn't feel it's personal. Me and my mom have a very open, close relationship, so she has no problem giving me advice and I have no problem telling her I don't agree with it. With MIL, it's always all so passive-aggressive and hush hush, mainly because she hates and avoids confrontation and any emotional discussion.
We're from a culture where it's very much about respecting elders, and grandparents are always extremely involved with their kids' families. It's accepted to give tons of advice, wanted or not, and to be fair they're also always willing to help whenever. My parents do it too, but it doesnt' bother me because I have no issue responding to them without them getting offended. But my mom and MIL have both been raised in this type of culture, taking whatever their ILs said to them with nothing but respect. My dad's mom was amazing and easy to get along with, so my mom had it easy. From what I've heard, MIL's own MIL was actually horrible, yet she has swallowed up everything without a word, because that's how things were done. Which is what was also expected from me, and why my 'outburst' was so unexpected.
Last edited by EvilCookie; 12-25-2016 at 01:26 PM..
Six pages of advice totally for naught because now you've decided to do what you want to do regardless of the posters who, though of differing opinions, spoke to your post.
You "snapped" but you didn't yell. Hubs is on your side. MIL has been doing this all along. Not to mention Mom agrees with her because...it's your culture. MIL is too polite to stay angry so now we're talking.
Had all these facts been available with the OP, perhaps so many well-intentioned people wouldn't have wasted their time trying to talk you through your dilemma. Which it turns out it wasn't anyway.
Ellidee called it. (Rep isn't working Ellie, sorry.)
Well your husband tried several times to speak to his mother, with no positive results. She obviously had no intention of changing. Dealing with people who are indirect and passive aggressive is very difficult because they can so easily deny to themselves and their target that they are being mean and judgmental. The way she handles her role as an elder is very disfunctional in any culture. No wonder you blew up at her.
Status:
"It's WARY, or LEERY (weary means tired)"
(set 18 days ago)
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
16,149 posts, read 21,284,653 times
Reputation: 43923
Quote:
THIS^^^^
OP did the right thing. Why don't MILs realize their DILs controls the family and you'd better suck up to her?!
I would NEVER criticize my DIL for anything. I try to bend over backwards to praise her. I want a good relationship with her.
Because snapping at MIL will foster a good relationship going forward?
The timing and delivery sucked wind, but it's done. However OP still needs to maintain a decent relationship with this woman if for no other reason than the sake of her kids and her husband.
OP should apologize for snapping when she did, and then try to iron out the problem of MIL being disrespectful and judgmental of the way she chooses to run her household and parent her kids. It would be nice if Hubby joined in but OTOH this seems to be mainly a problem between OP and MIL so perhaps best for the two of them to come to an understanding.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie
But I feel that apologizing would put me back - it would be admitting that I was wrong and acted immaturely, and would give her reason to keep treating me as a minor.
But you didn't handle it well, the mature thing to do is to admit it and apologize, not pretend it didn't happen. Sounds to me like you are just going back to what it was, because that's easier than making an apology and trying to change things.
I was responding directly to your post where you said the teacher should admonsh the child behaving badly. You did NOT say, the child should stick up for himself and not wait for the teacher to intervene. Not conjecture. Look at what you wrote.
The poster didn't ask what folks would expect from my son. She asked what folks would expect from THE TEACHER. So I answered what I would expect the teacher to say/do and that's it. You assumed I wouldn't have a side conversation with my son. That's why I called it conjecture.
I expect a teacher in that situation to do her job and guide both students around proper school behavior. What I would or would not say to my son was irrelevant to the question.
In any case, OP I think you have it under control! With someone that extra sensitive I think a conversation would be counterproductive at this point. She got the message, plus it's already more conflict than she can handle it seems. Heh. Enjoy the rest of your holiday! You can pick up the conversation again later, after she's had a chance to absorb this incident.
Six pages of advice totally for naught because now you've decided to do what you want to do regardless of the posters who, though of differing opinions, spoke to your post.
You "snapped" but you didn't yell. Hubs is on your side. MIL has been doing this all along. Not to mention Mom agrees with her because...it's your culture. MIL is too polite to stay angry so now we're talking.
Had all these facts been available with the OP, perhaps so many well-intentioned people wouldn't have wasted their time trying to talk you through your dilemma. Which it turns out it wasn't anyway.
Ellidee called it. (Rep isn't working Ellie, sorry.)
Merry Christmas.
That's not quite fair. Almost a day has passed, and I had the whole night to mull over it. I WAS very distraught last night, because it was so out of character for me and so un-par for the course for our interactions. And I was undecided on whether I felt bad or not about the entire thing. So the advice and comments were very helpful in helping me work through these feelings and figure out how I really felt. I added the clarifications to answer people's questions, and because I felt people were getting the wrong idea about some aspects from my original post, that I thought I needed to clarify.
I wanted to be fair and make it clear that the MIL was not indeed an evil bully like some thought, but just a woman with misguided good intentions and a perfectionist, controlling judgemental personality
I don't think I did anything particularly offensive, aside from having a sharper edge to my tone that I usually do in talking to her. I didn't yell, fyi, and I still spoke politely, I just had a definite steel edge in my voice and I sounded agitated, AND I brought up her parenting which was a first. But I feel that apologizing would put me back - it would be admitting that I was wrong and acted immaturely, and would give her reason to keep treating me as a minor. By putting it behind us without saying anything, I feel I have at least made a statement that may make her think she was maybe wrong, and at least she'll think twice before making these comments again. I did also turn to my mom and made a point of telling her the same thing right after, so MIL wouldn't feel it's personal. Me and my mom have a very open, close relationship, so she has no problem giving me advice and I have no problem telling her I don't agree with it. With MIL, it's always all so passive-aggressive and hush hush, mainly because she hates and avoids confrontation and any emotional discussion.
Many of us knew the MIL is not a bully. All that bully talk was some posters just using your situation as a jumping-off point for them to share their own "evil MIL" experiences.
All the bold indicates that you've done nothing except choose to maintain the culture of passive-aggression.
I also would not throw in the "Asian" card selectively, as you've done here. "Respecting your elders" doesn't mean allowing them to behave any way they want and placating them with more passive-aggression. You already said you have no problem speaking your mind to your own mother, which leads me to believe that you should be able to do the same with your MIL. You just don't.
To really respect them, you would behave as an adult and the way you would want you children to behave were they in the same situation when they are grown.
The main takeaway here is that you are trying not to lose face. Oh well.
Be glad you aren't married to me. It wouldn't be up to you, because I view it as my job to make sure my mother behaves. She would do that one time in my house, and I guarantee you I'd make a scene no one would ever forget, and feel no remorse nor accept any recriminations. "Mother, you ever utter one more word critical of my wife again, and I will disown you forever. And I mean forever. Now is the time to signify that you would like to remain in our lives by offering her your shamed apologies. I'll wait."
If she didn't, that'd be that. It's happened--to two brothers-in-law, who may never come here again. First real consequence those alcoholic jackasses ever got in their whole lives. Happily, my mother has never given me cause to offer her such an ultimatum.
The reason family is so toxic so often is because so many people let family get away with so much baloney and mistreatment. I decided that any family who wanted to do it that way, could sod off.
That's exactly what happens when MIL's behave like that, they don't get to see their son and their grandkids as much. And they deserve it.
Some MILs don't get to see their son and son's family, but no one ever told the MIL WHAT she did.
Yeah. That's mature and healthy.
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