Holiday family drama - offended the MIL... (siblings, introvert, sister)
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When a relationship is ten years old, and the problem has been going on for the entire time...no, it is not high time.
It was time a long time ago.
If you submit to a bad situation for a decade, you have to accept a good deal of the responsibility for the fact you have suffered.
Now that it has FINALLY been brought out in the open the OP has an opening to try to put things on a better basis.......assuming the MIL is willing, of course.
Your very own Mom needs to butt out. She is stirring the pot of contention there. What a bunch of CRAP that she had the nerve to take your MIL's side, or even comment to you, for that matter. She should have been all behind you, stating that You, her daughter, are a great Mom and know what her kids need, etc.
You do not owe your MIL an apology. Ignore it and soldier on. It will go away... confronting can make it worse. I speak from years of experience on this one.
They are YOUR kids and what they are wearing is YOUR business. Not theirs.
Newsflash: Getting a "cold" or getting "sniffles" has nothing to do with how many layers of clothing you are wearing. Its about germs and viruses. Sheesh, let's come on, it's almost 2017 not 1917.
OP, your MIL may have been tactless but I think what she and your mom were trying to say is that wearing layers is sensible. Using sensible layering is not overbundling. Layers trap warm air next to the body which help keep the core body temp stable, which in turn helps the immune system work properly.
We get sick because our immune system is compromised. When the body temp drops even slightly, we are much more susceptible; viruses thrive and replicate faster. Good nutrition, adequate fluids, quality sleep and layering help keep our defenses strong. You can always remove a layer if you get too warm.
Your mom and MIL haven't figured out the good grandparent role. My wife and I often buy clothing for our grandchildren. We always include plenty of undershirts and/or layered winter outfits - and leave it at that. That is how you do it without ever saying a word.
This reminds me of MY childhood. My grandparents always gave me heavy sweaters and undershirts and expected me to wear them often, with a scarf snuggly wrapped around my neck. I strongly, strongly disliked wearing anything heavy and hot, like sweaters and wool scarves. I still do. I much prefer short sleeves, even in winter. I run hot...always have, probably always will. I don't even wear a winter coat unless it's 10 degrees F or less. I only zip them up if it's below 0 F. My indoor thermostat at home is at 63 right now and I am very comfortable.
Parents know the comfort levels of their kids (hopefully). My own kids even now rarely wear jackets and as kids immediately unzipped them if someone else zipped them up. Just this morning, my adult son walked outside barefoot and in short sleeves when he took the dog out. Temps are in the 20s F. He's always been healthy as can be.
And getting sick has nothing to do with how many layers a baby (or anyone) wears.
They are YOUR kids and what they are wearing is YOUR business. Not theirs.
Newsflash: Getting a "cold" or getting "sniffles" has nothing to do with how many layers of clothing you are wearing. Its about germs and viruses. Sheesh, let's come on, it's almost 2017 not 1917.
Your very own Mom needs to butt out. She is stirring the pot of contention there. What a bunch of CRAP that she had the nerve to take your MIL's side, or even comment to you, for that matter. She should have been all behind you, stating that You, her daughter, are a great Mom and know what her kids need, etc.
You do not owe your MIL an apology. Ignore it and soldier on. It will go away... confronting can make it worse. I speak from years of experience on this one.
They are YOUR kids and what they are wearing is YOUR business. Not theirs.
Newsflash: Getting a "cold" or getting "sniffles" has nothing to do with how many layers of clothing you are wearing. Its about germs and viruses. Sheesh, let's come on, it's almost 2017 not 1917.
Actually, I'm thinking that the mom taking the MIL's side is a big, fat red flag. It likely means that the OP was behaving like a brat.
IMHO, it probably would have been better to set boundaries with your MIL from the very beginning. IMHO, the very first time that she said a "passive-aggressive" negative comment you should have said something to your MIL OR your husband should have said something to his mother in support of you.
And, who told you that because she "means well" it is OK for her to belittle you and criticize you, especially in your own home? Did your FIL tell you that? Did you husband tell you that? Did your mother tell you that? IMHO, that is BS.
What if a friend of yours told you the same things that your MIL tells you, would you be OK with it?
What if a neighbor of yours told you the same things that your MIL tells you, would you be OK with it?
What if a stranger told you the same things that your MIL tells you, would you be OK with it?
I bet that your answer would be "No, absolutely not." Then why is it OK for your MIL to tell you those things?
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BTW, my own MIL was often very snarky with a brash, overpowering personality but from the very first time that she said something even slightly rude or inappropriate to me, my husband immediately stepped in and told her that she was "out of line". And, once or twice, in the very beginning, he even told his mother that she needed to apologize to me. Frankly, that takes a real man to honor and respect his wife in that way. What has your husband been doing these past ten years as his mother has been insulting you and criticizing you?
I think that because I set appropriate boundaries with my MIL from the very beginning, she stopped being as rude and snarky to me as she was to other people. We ended up as close as a mother and daughter not like a MIL and DIL relationship.
Listen to Germaine. She hit the nail on the head.
Now here is Silibran talking. This has I hope blown over by now. I do think Christmas Eve is not the time to snap at your MIL. But, as you have said, you just got fed up and finally told her how you feel.
Here is the thing: you have the power in this relationship. You can refuse contact, you can alienate the kids from grandma, you can freeze her out. That you have not is a tribute to you. But you do not have to listen to her attempting to manage your home. That is not her job. Her job is to be a loving presence in your family's life, and to help out in a crisis or other situation. She wants power in this relationship. She wants to run your life, and she might feel threatened by you because her son has chosen you. No matter who he might have chosen, she would probably have felt the same. It probably is not personal.
You don't have to put up with this treatment. If your DH just wants to be left alone about this, then you will have to stand up for yourself. Walk away if she starts with inappropriate comments. Terminate the conversation when she starts in. Especially if you feel your control slipping, walk away.
In another conversation, tell your mom to butt out, but nicely. This is not her concern. She can't possibly know all the circumstances.
If you feel you need to, get a few sessions with a counselor to help you understand how to think about this relationship.
At some point it would be good to have a conversation with her to help her understand how her comments hurt you. For all you know, her MIL did the same to her, and she thinks that what MILs do. It is also possible that she has been hurt by some action of yours. So, if you have this talk be prepared to acknowledge past mistakes, and be prepared for both of you to have a good cry. If this happens, it should clear the air, and you might have made a breakthrough. But I don't know if it is possible to have that kind of talk with her; she might refuse.
But you do have the higher hand in this. You control access. You have the ear of your DH. I am not saying you should use these things to exact punishment, but you should understand that the power rests with you.
I love this story as it is EXACTLY like what often happened in my parent's family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie
Me and my MIL have sort of a complicated relationship - an extremely insincere one if I have to be honest. We're always extremely sweet and polite and nothing but nice to each other in person. Inside, however, she makes me very uncomfortable, and I suspect she dislikes many things about me, although she's way too reserved and civilized to ever admit it. She's like a super-reserved puritan WASP on steroids - never reveals an actual feeling, never brings up a single negative thing. In spite of that, she sees nothing wrong with making constant, albeit veiled, passive-aggressive comments on my parenting and housekeeping.
LOL, so she's not really all that "sweet, civilized and reserved"!
She's a perfectionist type-A with very high standards for herself and others, and I'm sort of the opposite. I know she cares about me as her son's wife and she always offers to help, brings gifts etc, but the criticism gets on my nerves.
So her criticism over-rides her supposed "caring"!
Yet I've always kept civil and responded with nothing but polite smiles to everything, trying to ignore any comments I don't agree with. Our oldest is seven so it's been going on at least that long, plus the ten years I knew my husband before that.
IMO, that was your 1st mistake by failing to stand up to her passive-aggressive ABUSE for 17 YEARS!!!
Well, tonight of all nights, and I know Christmas eve is the worst timing I could choose, but something snapped. She started discussing with my mom, for a millionth time, how the kids must be cold because they only have one long-sleeved shirt on, and that's why they were sick, and how we should dress them warmer (oldest had a bad virus two weeks ago and is still coughing a bit, the youngest just had a touch of on and off runny nose that could've been teething). It was 73 in the house, with oven going full blast, I was sweating, and they were saying how we should put an extra layer on them. I snapped.
Well it's about time!
For the first time ever, I told her, in a fairly harsh voice, that I'm against over-bundling kids, and that her own son, who she overdressed all the time, was sick constantly when he was a kid, and our kids are, knock on wood, aren't sick anywhere near that often. I didn't say anything mean per se but I did have a harsh tone, and her being super sensitive and not expecting me to say that, she just looked shell shocked and obviously got offended. She didn't say anything and just walked away, and the rest of the dinner I could feel the obvious tension between us. Afterwards, my mom (who is now good friends with MIL) admonished me in private that I hurt MIL's feelings, and how I behaved like a teenage brat and I should've just ignored the comments even if I didn't agree.
That happened to me as a kid when I HONESTLY told my (manipulative aunt) that I did not like a certain food on my plate when asked WHY I wasn't eating it and then our mom took me aside after dinner and THREATENED me with our dad's violence for saying what I did and then gave me a stern but IDIOTIC lecture on how to side step or outright LIE when asked why I'm NOT eating some food! I was way to frightened and young to tell my mom what a complete IDIOT she was!
That she looked like she was about to cry and blah blah. To some degree, yes, I do regret snapping, and I would keep my mouth shut if I went back in time.
PLEASE do not do that! Stand up for your self and your kids and speak your TRUTHS - anywhere, anytime and anyway you can!
But on the other hand, it feels satisfying to finally say something, after ten plus years of keeping my mouth shut and nodding politely at everything. I'm sick of being judged like a kid, I'm a grown woman with my own family and I think it's about time I set some boundaries and put an end to the comments and judging. And there have been plenty of times where I was the one close to tears, or actually crying, in my room during her visits because she made me so anxious. But because "she means well", I apparently don't have the right to be offended.
ALL OFFENDERS either claim to "mean well" or are somehow deemed as "meaning well". "We did the very best we could" is the standard slogan from ALL Abusers and Offenders.
Of course now there's this cloud over the rest of the weekend that I feel bad about causing.
Please tell me I did the right thing??
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!
Now google: Healthy Boundaries and learn how to set more and more of them and also how NOT to feel bad about how your healthy boundaries might "hurt" someone's feelings.
Good luck
Actually, I'm thinking that the mom taking the MIL's side is a big, fat red flag. It likely means that the OP was behaving like a brat.
My mom's reaction was predictable and has to do with, as I've explained above, the cultural climate she has been raised in (unconditional respect for elders and family), and her other unwavering conviction, the 'wisdom' she has tried to instill in me, somewhat successfully, since birth: there's a saying in our culture that "bad peace is better than great war". And "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar". She believes in being polite and keeping the peace and being nice to those around you no matter what, outside of extreme circumstances. And she believes in unconditional respect for parents and in-laws simply for the fact that they raised your and your spouse.
My mom is the kind of person that makes friends wherever she goes and manages to keep up relations with everyone from the mailman to the most distant relatives she hasn't seen in decades. I'm quite the opposite - fairly reserved, shy and introverted, and am very selective as to who I let into my private space - they have to be people I feel comfortable and at ease with, and MIL certainly doesn't fit that category. So while I have always been polite to her, I've never really let my guard down and I've never taken any initiative in getting closer to her, I was perfectly satisfied with maintaining this cool-polite barrier between us. And my mom has been nagging me about that for a long time now - she believes that I should have done more, things like picking up the phone to call her for a chat myself rather than just having DH do it, inviting her over myself rather than again leaving it up to DH, etc. It's not so much because she is on MIL's "side" - it's because my mom believes that I myself and our entire family would be better if everyone was closer and tighter-knit. What she forgets in this scenario are my own feelings and comfort, which seem to be brushed off as something for me to get over.
[quote=germaine2626;46610901]IMHO, the very first time that she said a "passive-aggressive" negative comment you should have said something to your MIL OR your husband should have said something to his mother in support of you. As the husband, I find it unhelpful to fight my wife's battles for her but I did stand up for her a few times in the past. Due to therapy, we both understood that it's important for the Victim to stand up for and defend them selves whenever possible so neither of us defended each other except in very special situations. The Victim MUST find the courage and means to defend them self when their spouse is NOT there to handle the Offenders.
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Stand up for your self!
