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Yeah, I guess thats a big piece I left out in our conversations. It won't be a sore spot for me because I've done a lot of work on this and I know I've tried. It is what it is. I just don't want to be negatively judged by it. I think when a woman sees how I am with my niece, as well as other people, animals, etc., she'll be ok with it (I hope).
Yeah I'm pretty sure someone wouldn't hold that against you mate, They will see that you're a nice bloke and how you are with others so they would understand that there was a very reason for you to cut her out of your life.
The best way to look at it is If anyone did get all judgemental on this then they would be doing you a favour long term as you would see the sort of person they are and you could well do without
But from the bottom of my heart I'm sure this wouldn't be an issue as luckily most take people by face value
First, OP I am very sorry that you and your mother are estranged. That is always a sad situation - for both parties even if you don't recognize that right now - but I am glad you have found a way to cope with it for now. Despite what seems to be your current intent to let that be the way it is forever more though, I do hope an opportunity to revisit may come up down the line - for both your sakes (and the sake of any future children you may have as well).
Second, there is always more than one side to the story. I have just read a very long thread (not the first one either) where mothers/parents talk about how they are sad or angry that they are estranged from their kids. Believe me, I 'get that' because my daughter who is 33 refuses to discuss anything and has chosen to withdraw over issues that I am fairly sure could be resolved if she was just open to doing so. It goes both ways. I think she thinks I am some kind of ogre - but that is based on incomplete information and scenarios she recalls from childhood when everything may seem much more dramatic than it actually was. It could be though that she has legitimate grievances however if she clams up and won't talk about them, those cannot be addressed either and I cannot apologize or get to see how certain things may have affected her.
Third, aside from when there are very valid (i.e. sexual abuse, extreme physical or emotional abuse, major mental illness, drugs/alcohol, etc.) reasons for estrangement, I firmly believe 'where there is a will, there is a way' IF both parties want to find it and work on it. The problem as I see it is when one party gives up or magnifies everything to the point that the other has no chance of ever explaining what may have happened no matter how hard they try.
Additionally, when a parent and a child have very different personalities, or are perhaps almost too similar if similar means both are stubborn, it can be more difficult to fix old wounds - but I really think most people should try because if you don't, you may regret that down the line.
I know that when I was a child I saw things quite differently than I did when I grew up and even more so when I had my own kids. No child or parent is perfect and often parenting is one big experiment, going with the flow according to the situation at hand - and we all make mistakes .. kids and parents alike. These days though I think there may actually be more estrangement than there used to be because society (and the school system) trains children to believe that even a swat on the backside once in a while is worthy of calling 911 - so I think there is more 'overreaction' in many cases. Couple that with an unwillingness on the part of one or both parties to discuss issues rationally and estrangement is often entrenched rather than resolved.
I agree. Couldn't have said it better.
There is no winner in an estranged relationship. I'm not saying that it shouldn't happen at all, I'm saying that it's sad that folks feel that it's the only solution. And maybe it is.
After having been in a relationship in which the MIL was constantly present and a troublemaker, I would be over the moon to have an absent one.
I think the important thing is not to play the blame game when you tell a woman about the situation. Most women will at least try to understand.
It may be a good idea to be up-front, and tell her that she isn't wanted.
I'm a firm believer in telling someone what they did wrong so they have the opportunity to right it, but what do I know? If a person isn't wanted at all, say so without an explanation (since there is no need for them to make it right). I can't imagine being around a person who didn't want me around.
No worries Atiguy39. I am in a stable marriage that has lasted 25 years and going strong. We can't help the families we are born with and you can only beat your head against that brick wall only so many times. A good woman will understand.
Many years ago I decided to cut a few toxic family members out of my life. I won't go into the details here, but suffice to say I never regretted that decision.
However, one relative (a cousin's wife) made it a priority to try to make me reconcile with these people. It's really none of her business, and I politely told her so and also asked her to stop, AND had to tell her several times I didn't want to discuss it. She kept at it, in various ways, pushing and manipulating, and pushing some more. She was relentless. Her husband (my cousin) had the audacity to send me an email and chastise me for hurting his wife (the busybody). I was stunned WTF?, hurt, and very angry.
So instead of replying to his email I gave both of them the cut. (they live in different state, we don't cross paths anymore) This was 7 years ago. I am happier and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
Most of us with estranged parents are treated as though we just need to get over whatever petty issue it is we have. If we would just listen to their explanation, we would understand.
I've heard some of my moms explanations. They are usually ridiculous. And she believes completely justified. Since I've had children of my own, I've found it even harder to forgive some of her choices and actions.
There are more estrangements today because more of us have realized that we aren't bound by society's expectations that we allow them to treat us this way without question anymore.
I'm sorry that things didn't work out with your daughter. I know what it's like to wish you had the sort of mother-daughter relationship that others enjoy. I don't know why things didn't work out between you. I only know that my own mother feels exactly like you do, and it's not because she's right, it's because she just doesn't believe that she is actually wrong.
This is so true. People assume that it's our fault or that we've overreacted or that we're being drama queens.
A lot of us have mothers with narcissistic personality disorder...a narcissist is never wrong, everyone around her is too sensitive, too melodramatic, holds grudges for ridiculous things, wants to keep the narcissist from having the things she deserves, etc. The narcissistic mother will also try to wreck your relationship with your siblings and make you seem bad or crazy to her friends.
Sometime the only way you know your parent can't hurt you anymore is when they're dead and buried, and even then it can take some time to figure out that you would never have gotten any kind of closure or explanation for why they treated you the way they did.
This is so true. People assume that it's our fault or that we've overreacted or that we're being drama queens.
.
At the risk of over-generalizing, offspring do the same thing. Different viewpoints from different generations.
It's unfortunate when people can't talk things out. But, it doesn't happen with only parent/offspring. These boards are filled with folks who don't understand another, and a good share of it is lack of communication.
At the risk of over-generalizing, offspring do the same thing. Different viewpoints from different generations.
It's unfortunate when people can't talk things out. But, it doesn't happen with only parent/offspring. These boards are filled with folks who don't understand another, and a good share of it is lack of communication.
What a lovely world it would be if talking and "communication" would solve everything!!
But that is NOT the case. Sometimes, in fact many times, the talking and communication only results in further accusations, recriminations, lies, insults, and revelations which make the problem worse than before. Often people get defensive, refuse to accept blame and be accountable, and want to maintain contact but continue the hurtful and often abusive behavior.
It's not about "different viewpoints from different generations". In my post above, with 1 exception the relatives and I are the same generation.
Just because people are related doesn't mean it's healthy for them to be around each other. And talking isn't going to change that.
What a lovely world it would be if talking and "communication" would solve everything!!
But that is NOT the case. Sometimes, in fact many times, the talking and communication only results in further accusations, recriminations, lies, insults, and revelations which make the problem worse than before. Often people get defensive, refuse to accept blame and be accountable, and want to maintain contact but continue the hurtful and often abusive behavior.
It's not about "different viewpoints from different generations". In my post above, with 1 exception the relatives and I are the same generation.
Just because people are related doesn't mean it's healthy for them to be around each other. And talking isn't going to change that.
And a narcissistic person has impenetrable defense mechanisms. Talking simply cannot work. They stack the deck against talking and resolution. In order to resolve things through talking, they'd have to admit to their own responsibility in the situation, and they'll never do that.
It was helpful to see in a recent thread on the subject, a mental health care professional explain that personality disorders, like Narcissism, are a form of mental illness. This makes it clear that ordinary, normal communications and resolution processes do not work, will not work, and cannot work, by definition. If more people understood that, some of this blaming-the-victim would stop.
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I was stunned 
WTF?, hurt, and very angry. 
