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I think you misunderstood. I would never offer up this info to any woman I'm dating. I just meant eventually in a serious relationship it will come up. I won't be the one to bring it up though. Women are always curious about family. As for therapy, I've done a lot of it, so totally on track with that.
If you find the right person, this should not be a problem, particularly if your mother is no longer part of your life.
There are lots of adults who have difficult parents.
I think you are automatically thinking that someone might be critical of you for cutting your mother off, but that's a product of a former way of thinking. You can talk about this when the time comes, but there is no need to be defensive, or to feel less a person. If the person has grown to care about you, this should make no difference to her.
My mother is one of the most critical, negative, narcissistic people I've ever known. She's famous for guilt trips and never taking responsibility for her role in anything. She's offensive and a control freak. The world revolves around her and her "feelings". I've worked hard over the years to undo all the damage she did to me as a child (mostly confidence and negativity related). A year and a half ago, I decided enough was enough and that I at least needed a break from her. My Dad passed away 11 years ago, and she made his final year miserable as his caretaker. She remarried a man in 2015 and I didn't go to the wedding. She never let me forget that. Since then, she's send hateful emails saying she wants a relationship with me and then insulting me in the same email. Two days ago she sent another, and there was no insult, for a change. I decided in the spirit of Christmas to respond. I told her I didn't think she understood why I stopped talking to her, and then explained it, not in a mean way, but just to clarify. I should have known better. She responded with another email completely missing the point and saying she would never contact me again. Looks like my original decision was the right one, which was my response.
Today is Christmas, and I'm actually fine, despite being alone. I'm also relieved I never have to deal with this toxic woman again. Now I just have to figure out how to explain it to the next woman I decide to date seriously, but thats a topic for another thread I guess.
Being narcissistic isn't just a label people use to describe someone. It is valid. Here is a link at the Mayo Clinic website about someone having a Narcissistic personality disorder.
From TV and the movies, we are fed this fantasy of Leave it to Beaver and how family life is for others, but no one lives that way. It is unfortunate she may have this condition, I think it is perfectly valid once you get to know someone to explain that you don't have much contact with your mother because she suffers from a mental illness. No other explanation at the moment is needed, and then talk about your other family members, cousins, and friends.
Today is Christmas, and I'm actually fine, despite being alone. I'm also relieved I never have to deal with this toxic woman again. Now I just have to figure out how to explain it to the next woman I decide to date seriously, but thats a topic for another thread I guess.
You simply say " My mom and I dont get along well and its something we can discuss later"...then you discuss it later when the time is right and be honest.
Please don't believe it when people say "you'll regret it when she's gone". You won't. I felt nothing but relief when my selfish, narcissistic, borderline, mother died. That was 20 years ago and I have never felt bad for a minute. You won't either.
So your situation was just like mine, except with the opposite parent. My mother is probably also borderline. Everything I underlined here applies to her. Actually, I take that back. Your mother has made more of an effort than mine. My mother doesn't call. The last card she sent for my birthday, she insulted me in the card. Nothing for Christmas, which is fine, because she gets the message now.
My father was passive and tried to avoid confrontation. So now there's me, a passive (not as much now), avoider with low self esteem. No wonder I'm divorced. It pisses me off beyond words that this is my life and it took me so long to learn how to change. I'm almost 50, and have no family. I'm not saying I'm a victim anymore, but it is a shame you can't choose your family. I could have been a well adjusted, confident man with a family, but my family of origin set me back many years. I take responsibility for not working harder to figure it out 20 years ago. Then again, I was also unaware then and didn't have the resources either. I wish I'd had a personal mentor in my life to guide me.
Color me impressed. You're doing a great job, hang in there!
Most of us with estranged parents are treated as though we just need to get over whatever petty issue it is we have. If we would just listen to their explanation, we would understand.
I've heard some of my moms explanations. They are usually ridiculous. And she believes completely justified. Since I've had children of my own, I've found it even harder to forgive some of her choices and actions.
There are more estrangements today because more of us have realized that we aren't bound by society's expectations that we allow them to treat us this way without question anymore.
I'm sorry that things didn't work out with your daughter. I know what it's like to wish you had the sort of mother-daughter relationship that others enjoy. I don't know why things didn't work out between you. I only know that my own mother feels exactly like you do, and it's not because she's right, it's because she just doesn't believe that she is actually wrong.
Well said! I also believe there are more estrangements today because people have more money. In the past people were just too poor to tell their abusive parents to take a hike because they were often financially dependent on them. We have more freedoms today than at any time in our history. And that's a very good thing!
this is so true. People assume that it's our fault or that we've overreacted or that we're being drama queens.
A lot of us have mothers with narcissistic personality disorder...a narcissist is never wrong, everyone around her is too sensitive, too melodramatic, holds grudges for ridiculous things, wants to keep the narcissist from having the things she deserves, etc. The narcissistic mother will also try to wreck your relationship with your siblings and make you seem bad or crazy to her friends.
Sometime the only way you know your parent can't hurt you anymore is when they're dead and buried, and even then it can take some time to figure out that you would never have gotten any kind of closure or explanation for why they treated you the way they did.
I was also in the no mom club. My mother spread gossip about me to the rest of the family after she had been told to keep quiet. Then she'd turn around and complain to anyone that would listen what a terrible daughter I was for not talking to her. About 1 1/2 year ago, she passed. I thought I'd feel guilty for keeping her out of my life. I didn't. I felt sad but I also felt freedom from her hypocrisy. It's my life. It's your life. And life is short and there's no time with BS with our families.
Please don't believe it when people say "you'll regret it when she's gone". You won't. I felt nothing but relief when my selfish, narcissistic, borderline, mother died. That was 20 years ago and I have never felt bad for a minute. You won't either.
I agree 100%.
My father deliberately caused lots of pain for a lot of people. He was a physical and emotional bully who processed to be a Christian. He died 7 years ago and I have yet to shed a tear.
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