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Yes and yes. I don't understand your point. I mean, I just figured others could probably relate. It was also fresh on my mind since my Mother and I had just exchanged emails. She proved to me with her words I was making the right choice, so posting it here was more of a celebration for me. I do have a habit of questioning my decisions (nothing I did growing up was ever good enough or right), so it was nice to not feel that way this time.
You are "processing" here, OP, and that's ok. Or you've been processing for a long time, and reached this conclusion re: cutting off your mom, so it's like a milestone. And others will learn from the various thoughts on this thread, so it's a good thing.
You're far from alone, though. Dysfunctional families are alarmingly common, which is sad. There are a lot of wounded adults wandering around out there. And when the few who do make it into therapy get therapists who don't explain these things--the personality disorders and how they affect kids trapped in the family environment, it's not helpful.
Honestly, I don't know what most therapists out there are thinking; how do they define therapy? There are too many who don't really help people, though I think the old-fashioned model of having the client sit or lie on the couch and blather on all hour while the "therapist" sits passively taking notes has been changing for some time. But there's still a long way to go.
Totally agree. If I could do it over again, I would have become a Psychologist. I have a huge interest in it, mostly to figure myself out. I think thats why people get into that field anyway. But yeah, there needs to be discussion about that. My last therapist did recognize that in my mother, actually. He urged me to cut her off. I thought it was bold and impressive for him to say that. So this really started a year and a half ago, as I said in my original post.
Totally agree. If I could do it over again, I would have become a Psychologist. I have a huge interest in it, mostly to figure myself out. I think thats why people get into that field anyway. But yeah, there needs to be discussion about that. My last therapist did recognize that in my mother, actually. He urged me to cut her off. I thought it was bold and impressive for him to say that. So this really started a year and a half ago, as I said in my original post.
In the course of your therapy, was he actively involved? Did he give you feedback, explain things to you, point out how this or that behavior of your mom's fit a pattern or something? Or was he the more passive type? Just wondering. Some therapists are into teaching Transactional Analysis, for example, which teaches people how to interact effectively with difficult personalities. Other people go to therapy for years, and don't really progress, because their therapist isn't involved.
Yes and yes. I don't understand your point. I mean, I just figured others could probably relate. It was also fresh on my mind since my Mother and I had just exchanged emails. She proved to me with her words I was making the right choice, so posting it here was more of a celebration for me. I do have a habit of questioning my decisions (nothing I did growing up was ever good enough or right), so it was nice to not feel that way this time.
Ok, I mean it is alright, but you need to understand you are not alone, but it is just a matter of degrees.
This is so true. People assume that it's our fault or that we've overreacted or that we're being drama queens.
Yep. And one thing I think a lot of people forget, or willfully overlook, is just how much power an adult has over a kid, particular a parent over his or her child. Statements or actions that would be relatively minor tiffs coming from a peer, or even an adult not in a position of authority (parent, teacher, coach, pastor, etc.) can have a huge impact coming from one's parent or parental figure. It's not just the psychological preeminence of the parent or parental figure, either, it's the fact that they literally hold your life in their hands...their choices determine almost every aspect of your life, for better or worse, when you are a small child, and even as an older kid and adolescent, they still hold tremendous power. So it should come as no surprise if their words and deeds loom large in their children's minds, even years after the fact, even after they grow up.
I wish more parents - and other adults charged with children's well-being - would be more cognizant of the need to be extra thoughtful, extra diligent, extra consistent, extra kind, etc.
As an adult, I can look back on my parents' actions and more objectively see how they came to be who they are, and the pressures that shaped their problematic behaviors. But that's an explanation, not an excuse, really. We all have problems and baggage and stressors, but many of us choose to be more mindful about what we pass on to our own children. Basically:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lbjen
Since I've had children of my own, I've found it even harder to forgive some of her choices and actions.
On a related note, I have a lot of respect for people who acknowledge that they're honestly not up for that level of responsibility, either because they have their own issues or because they just aren't prepared to commit to it, and thus delay having children or decide not to have children at all. Self-awareness is good.
Thank you so much for saying that. And you're right, I look at friends and women I've dated, for wexample, and see what a well adjusted family looks like and feel like I got a very bad deal in life. I'm so envious of what others had/have with their families.
Mourn what you didn't have and won't ever have. It may take a while but then you're done and can move on with your life.
Every family has some sort of unique stuff their own. If you feel better cutting your mother off well that is your choice. But if your mother dump you in the garbage or aborted the time she conceive with you there is no "you " to post here on the CD. All the best with figuring out.
Every family has some sort of unique stuff their own. If you feel better cutting your mother off well that is your choice. But if your mother dump you in the garbage or aborted the time she conceive with you there is no "you " to post here on the CD. All the best with figuring out.
My father deliberately caused lots of pain for a lot of people. He was a physical and emotional bully who processed to be a Christian. He died 7 years ago and I have yet to shed a tear.
Did he ever throw out the bible verse of "honor thy father and mother" like so many toxic parents proclaiming to be a christian? That is often a favorite verse they will thrown out as if they get a free pass to behave any way they please.
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And others will learn from the various thoughts on this thread, so it's a good thing.
