Cut my Mother out of my life and feels great (wife, person)
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My mother is one of the most critical, negative, narcissistic people I've ever known. She's famous for guilt trips and never taking responsibility for her role in anything. She's offensive and a control freak. The world revolves around her and her "feelings". I've worked hard over the years to undo all the damage she did to me as a child (mostly confidence and negativity related). A year and a half ago, I decided enough was enough and that I at least needed a break from her. My Dad passed away 11 years ago, and she made his final year miserable as his caretaker. She remarried a man in 2015 and I didn't go to the wedding. She never let me forget that. Since then, she's send hateful emails saying she wants a relationship with me and then insulting me in the same email. Two days ago she sent another, and there was no insult, for a change. I decided in the spirit of Christmas to respond. I told her I didn't think she understood why I stopped talking to her, and then explained it, not in a mean way, but just to clarify. I should have known better. She responded with another email completely missing the point and saying she would never contact me again. Looks like my original decision was the right one, which was my response.
Today is Christmas, and I'm actually fine, despite being alone. I'm also relieved I never have to deal with this toxic woman again. Now I just have to figure out how to explain it to the next woman I decide to date seriously, but thats a topic for another thread I guess.
I think it's so sad that there are so many mothers out there who are incapable of truly being mothers. IMO it takes courage to cut someone off like that; many people don't, and simply try to get along. I would hope that anyone you might meet and get at least somewhat serious about would understand. Really, at your age, most people should be aware that issues like this exist in families.
Do you feel like her overbearing nature and negativity have affected your confidence in the dating arena? I would encourage you to get some counseling relating to that deep issue, so you can finally root her out of your mind, and hopefully go on to have a satisfying relationship with an S.O. over time. Merry Christmas!
Do you feel like her overbearing nature and negativity have affected your confidence in the dating arena? I would encourage you to get some counseling relating to that deep issue, so you can finally root her out of your mind, and hopefully go on to have a satisfying relationship with an S.O. over time. Merry Christmas!
Absolutely. The constant criticism during my childhood shaped my lack of confidence/self esteem. Its because of therapy and reading books on the subject that I realized where it came from. I've made slow deliberate progress over time, and its extremely difficult to ignore the critical voice in my head. But I'm a huge personal growth type of guy. In fact, I can't be with a woman who doesn't appreciate that (my ex-wife, for example). I've come a long way, particularly in the past 7 years since my divorce, but I still feel "less than" others and compare myself, as well as care way too much what others think. That ALL comes from my mother. So it is in my best interests and emotional health to cut her out, as I'm not good at just accepting her as she is, and knowing she will never change, nor setting boundaries with her. This is the best decision, and it should have happened years ago.
A cautionary note: You said something about explaining the situation to the next woman you date. You don't have to do that, and frankly, if you start off the relationship talking about your toxic mother it's going to sound like you have a lot of baggage - it would be a turnoff. You shouldn't use your dates as therapists. A date is supposed to be to get to know each other and have fun - not to hear about your family drama.
Although you say you feel great, you might want to get some professional counseling to help put things into perspective because obviously you are still struggling and having trouble moving on.
Absolutely. The constant criticism during my childhood shaped my lack of confidence/self esteem. Its because of therapy and reading books on the subject that I realized where it came from. I've made slow deliberate progress over time, and its extremely difficult to ignore the critical voice in my head. But I'm a huge personal growth type of guy. In fact, I can't be with a woman who doesn't appreciate that (my ex-wife, for example). I've come a long way, particularly in the past 7 years since my divorce, but I still feel "less than" others and compare myself, as well as care way too much what others think. That ALL comes from my mother. So it is in my best interests and emotional health to cut her out, as I'm not good at just accepting her as she is, and knowing she will never change, nor setting boundaries with her. This is the best decision, and it should have happened years ago.
I know it's hard to delete that soundtrack in your head, so to speak, of a toxic parent. It sounds like you have done a lot of work.
A cautionary note: You said something about explaining the situation to the next woman you date. You don't have to do that, and frankly, if you start off the relationship talking about your toxic mother it's going to sound like you have a lot of baggage - it would be a turnoff. You shouldn't use your dates as therapists. A date is supposed to be to get to know each other and have fun - not to hear about your family drama.
Although you say you feel great, you might want to get some professional counseling to help put things into perspective because obviously you are still struggling and having trouble moving on.
Best wishes.
I think you misunderstood. I would never offer up this info to any woman I'm dating. I just meant eventually in a serious relationship it will come up. I won't be the one to bring it up though. Women are always curious about family. As for therapy, I've done a lot of it, so totally on track with that.
Atlguy: It is very sad for both you and your mother.
It's a good thing that you are working at self-improvement. As far as being alone, some of the best stuff I've learned about myself happens when I'm alone.
I firmly believe that there is a healthy balance that folks need to find in their feelings of insecurity and confidence. IMHO many people are insecure about SOME thing in their life, but it doesn't adversely affect them. Just as there are many folks who are over-confident and come off as jerks. People need to remember that they are human (so don't be too hard on yourself, but don't be too easy either) and that others are human, too.
Sorry. I'm not sure where this tangent was heading, but I applaud your efforts.
I'm sorry you had to do this but I understand it. Sometimes you have to cut the toxic people out of your life so you have a chance for a better life. I've had to do it in the past and my life is so much better because of it. Good luck to you.
It will come up in a relationship. The fact that you're divorced and that you don't talk to your mother will make some women think that you have a problem. Wait until she brings it up, which will hopefully be at a point when she's gotten to know you to some extent.
I didn't meet my mother-in-law until I had been married 14 years. It turns out there's a very valid reason that she was not a part of my husband's life, and we decided eventually that it was better to go back to having no contact with her. It was hard to believe she was as horrible as he said she was, and she wasn't...she was worse.
I am sorry to hear of this mate and now at last I can finally see and understand where your lack of confidence comes from
To be honest I think yes it will come up with any lady you meet and are serious with especially but I'm sure she would understand it completely and wouldn't press you on it as naturally it's a sore spot...... I really can't see her judging you or having any negative feelings on this if that's what's worrying you?.
We've talked at length I know but will say again that I'm really glad you're in a better place now than you was and finally getting to a place where you want to be
As ever I only wish you well mate
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