Cut my Mother out of my life and feels great (siblings, member)
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I think you misunderstood. I would never offer up this info to any woman I'm dating. I just meant eventually in a serious relationship it will come up. I won't be the one to bring it up though. Women are always curious about family. As for therapy, I've done a lot of it, so totally on track with that.
My mother is one of the most critical, negative, narcissistic people I've ever known. She's famous for guilt trips and never taking responsibility for her role in anything. She's offensive and a control freak. The world revolves around her and her "feelings". I've worked hard over the years to undo all the damage she did to me as a child (mostly confidence and negativity related). A year and a half ago, I decided enough was enough and that I at least needed a break from her. My Dad passed away 11 years ago, and she made his final year miserable as his caretaker. She remarried a man in 2015 and I didn't go to the wedding. She never let me forget that. Since then, she's send hateful emails saying she wants a relationship with me and then insulting me in the same email. Two days ago she sent another, and there was no insult, for a change. I decided in the spirit of Christmas to respond. I told her I didn't think she understood why I stopped talking to her, and then explained it, not in a mean way, but just to clarify. I should have known better. She responded with another email completely missing the point and saying she would never contact me again. Looks like my original decision was the right one, which was my response.
Today is Christmas, and I'm actually fine, despite being alone. I'm also relieved I never have to deal with this toxic woman again. Now I just have to figure out how to explain it to the next woman I decide to date seriously, but thats a topic for another thread I guess.
Man... I'm really sorry to hear this. I'm sorry for the greater loss, not necessarily for the loss of your mother, if that makes sense.
I've had a weird relationship with my mother. She has passed 10 years ago, but I had a weird bond with her. It was always me and her against the world. She and my dad split when I was a baby and she's had men in and out of her life sporadically thought out the years.
She wasn't a toxic person per se, but just a completely and utterly F'd up person, I mean she was just a compete emotional, mental and spiritual mess. I didn't see this til my later 30's, not sure why it took so long, but whatever, it is what it is. I'm a mess of a person too, but I'm a million times better off than her and I don't know why I am, for some reason I was built with a good sense of what is right and what is wrong and with a good BS detector.
I could spell out some good stories for you and we all have some stories, but whatever, I get what you are saying in your post here. I really do. Just because someone is related to you via DNA doesn't always mean that we should and have to be with them. I'm sorry for you and this, really, because at the end of the day who wants to write off their mom, it's mom, right???? I think mothers are the glue that keeps society running and for us to have to face that fact that our mom isn't really a great glue is saddening.......
I think any perspective woman of caliber would have enough understanding to know that sometimes things just don't always go like we think that they should. Anyone with any basic sense and understanding should be OK with this. I wouldn't fret about that part too much if I were you.
I haven't spoken to my mother in almost four years. I grew up as an only child in a very toxic household; my father was mentally ill (borderline personality disorder + narcissism) and emotionally abusive, and my mother just ignored his behavior. For literally my entire life - until I finally cut him out completely in my mid-30s, we would have massive screaming fights regularly, set off by the most innocuous things - any disagreement, no matter how minor, was liable to set him off into fits of rage. And he would try to hurt me deeply - as a child, if I tried to disengage, he would chase me around the house screaming at me until I burst into tears, or threaten to throw our cat out into the street, threaten to call up my teachers (who generally loved me - I was a straight-A student and really respectful) to tell them how I "really" was... and then of course there were the threats to send me off to military school because I was such a horrible child. Stuff like that.
Instead of defending me, my mother just made excuses - that was how Hungarians are (he was from Hungary); it was always because of "my tone" ... or else she would just deny that anything was the matter at all. For her, everything was my fault, and she never missed an opportunity to complain about how all she ever wanted was peace and quiet - which, the implication was, I was preventing because I wouldn't just kowtow to my father. As his mental illness worsened as he got older, leading to repeated hospitalization, electroshock therapy, etc., my mother basically abandoned me to attend to him. He, of course, manipulated her in order to have her at his beck and call, and she essentially threw me to the curb. As an example, for my college graduation, my father's doctor said he should absolutely not come, but he demanded to fly out - and my mother of course caved because she always did whatever he wanted; as soon as he got to the hotel, he had/feigned a nervous breakdown, so my mother then spent the week attending to his every whim and abandoned me completely. He didn't even come to the graduation ceremony because it was "too cold." Basically, my father wanted my mother's complete attention/love and saw me as a threat, which he was determined to crush.
When I finally cut my father out completely, my mother was furious - she would call me regularly and berate me, trying to get me to buckle to my father's will. After he died, I hoped that things would get better between us, and that without his toxic influence she would start to make some effort to rebuild our relationship. But instead, when I'd come to visit, all she did was criticize me and complain, and after a few years of that I realized that she was incapable of change, and that I needed to distance myself for my own mental health. The last couple of times we spoke on the phone, I just let it loose and told her exactly how I felt - how my father was cruel and abusive and how she was complicit in that abuse - and she as she always did said that there was any abuse at all, that she did absolutely everything she possibly could as a mother, and just blamed our lack of a relationship on me. I told her never to call me again, hung up the phone - and that was the last we spoke.
Since then, she's continued to call and leave voicemails, periodically send me cards, etc - always telling me that she wants to repair our relationship but refusing to take any responsibility whatsoever for her actions over the years. It took me several years to rebuild my emotional reserves and improve my self-esteem, which as a result of my childhood has always been quite low, and now I'm thinking that maybe I should reach out to her. But I honestly don't believe she's changed, and I don't think she'll ever be capable of understanding or accepting how much she's hurt me over the years. I think she's so emotionally invested in her narrative of how difficult I was, and how she's the victim. And I kind of get it - at her age (mid-70s), it's got to be incredibly difficult to admit to yourself that you were a bad parent and that you caused intense emotional damage to your child. It's probably much easier to just tell yourself that your kid is a bad seed and that you're blameless.
I've spent so much time and energy over the years trying to have a rational, normal human relationship with her, and it's never worked. I don't have any faith at all that we'll be able to repair our relationship, but at the same time I don't want this situation to continue. I know I've made a lot of progress repairing my own psyche since I cut off contact, but when I get stressed or depressed I still hear her voice in my head criticizing me for every little thing, and I fear that if I do contact her again, she'll just go back to her usual behavior pattern, and that'll drag me down again.
Anyway, I guess I'm just venting. Thanks for listening. Happy holidays, everyone.
I haven't spoken to my mother in almost four years. I grew up as an only child in a very toxic household; my father was mentally ill (borderline personality disorder + narcissism) and emotionally abusive, and my mother just ignored his behavior. For literally my entire life - until I finally cut him out completely in my mid-30s, we would have massive screaming fights regularly, set off by the most innocuous things - any disagreement, no matter how minor, was liable to set him off into fits of rage. And he would try to hurt me deeply - as a child, if I tried to disengage, he would chase me around the house screaming at me until I burst into tears, or threaten to throw our cat out into the street, threaten to call up my teachers (who generally loved me - I was a straight-A student and really respectful) to tell them how I "really" was... and then of course there were the threats to send me off to military school because I was such a horrible child. Stuff like that.
Instead of defending me, my mother just made excuses - that was how Hungarians are (he was from Hungary); it was always because of "my tone" ... or else she would just deny that anything was the matter at all. For her, everything was my fault, and she never missed an opportunity to complain about how all she ever wanted was peace and quiet - which, the implication was, I was preventing because I wouldn't just kowtow to my father. As his mental illness worsened as he got older, leading to repeated hospitalization, electroshock therapy, etc., my mother basically abandoned me to attend to him. He, of course, manipulated her in order to have her at his beck and call, and she essentially threw me to the curb. As an example, for my college graduation, my father's doctor said he should absolutely not come, but he demanded to fly out - and my mother of course caved because she always did whatever he wanted; as soon as he got to the hotel, he had/feigned a nervous breakdown, so my mother then spent the week attending to his every whim and abandoned me completely. He didn't even come to the graduation ceremony because it was "too cold." Basically, my father wanted my mother's complete attention/love and saw me as a threat, which he was determined to crush.
When I finally cut my father out completely, my mother was furious - she would call me regularly and berate me, trying to get me to buckle to my father's will. After he died, I hoped that things would get better between us, and that without his toxic influence she would start to make some effort to rebuild our relationship. But instead, when I'd come to visit, all she did was criticize me and complain, and after a few years of that I realized that she was incapable of change, and that I needed to distance myself for my own mental health. The last couple of times we spoke on the phone, I just let it loose and told her exactly how I felt - how my father was cruel and abusive and how she was complicit in that abuse - and she as she always did said that there was any abuse at all, that she did absolutely everything she possibly could as a mother, and just blamed our lack of a relationship on me. I told her never to call me again, hung up the phone - and that was the last we spoke.
Since then, she's continued to call and leave voicemails, periodically send me cards, etc - always telling me that she wants to repair our relationship but refusing to take any responsibility whatsoever for her actions over the years. It took me several years to rebuild my emotional reserves and improve my self-esteem, which as a result of my childhood has always been quite low, and now I'm thinking that maybe I should reach out to her. But I honestly don't believe she's changed, and I don't think she'll ever be capable of understanding or accepting how much she's hurt me over the years. I think she's so emotionally invested in her narrative of how difficult I was, and how she's the victim. And I kind of get it - at her age (mid-70s), it's got to be incredibly difficult to admit to yourself that you were a bad parent and that you caused intense emotional damage to your child. It's probably much easier to just tell yourself that your kid is a bad seed and that you're blameless.
I've spent so much time and energy over the years trying to have a rational, normal human relationship with her, and it's never worked. I don't have any faith at all that we'll be able to repair our relationship, but at the same time I don't want this situation to continue. I know I've made a lot of progress repairing my own psyche since I cut off contact, but when I get stressed or depressed I still hear her voice in my head criticizing me for every little thing, and I fear that if I do contact her again, she'll just go back to her usual behavior pattern, and that'll drag me down again.
Anyway, I guess I'm just venting. Thanks for listening. Happy holidays, everyone.
Jeez... what a nightmare. Sorry to hear this. I thought my mom was F'd up. She never put any man over me and that's a big thing. Sorry to hear your mom pulled this number. Many kids that are molested by their fathers, the mothers all know and stand by and let it happen.
Those scumbags need their mom cared pulled and they need to be kicked to the damn curb. Those stories make me sick and I get really hostile thinking about it. Molestation in general gets me hot. I had a couple instances where I was just about molested, not quite, but almost and people who violate those lines really infuriate me. I can really go off on the women that don't defend their children from their husbands. Grow a damn back bone and show your momma bear side......
My mother is one of the most critical, negative, narcissistic people I've ever known. She's famous for guilt trips and never taking responsibility for her role in anything. She's offensive and a control freak. The world revolves around her and her "feelings". I've worked hard over the years to undo all the damage she did to me as a child (mostly confidence and negativity related). A year and a half ago, I decided enough was enough and that I at least needed a break from her. My Dad passed away 11 years ago, and she made his final year miserable as his caretaker. She remarried a man in 2015 and I didn't go to the wedding. She never let me forget that. Since then, she's send hateful emails saying she wants a relationship with me and then insulting me in the same email. Two days ago she sent another, and there was no insult, for a change. I decided in the spirit of Christmas to respond. I told her I didn't think she understood why I stopped talking to her, and then explained it, not in a mean way, but just to clarify. I should have known better. She responded with another email completely missing the point and saying she would never contact me again. Looks like my original decision was the right one, which was my response.
Today is Christmas, and I'm actually fine, despite being alone. I'm also relieved I never have to deal with this toxic woman again. Now I just have to figure out how to explain it to the next woman I decide to date seriously, but thats a topic for another thread I guess.
My mother is one of the most critical, negative, narcissistic people I've ever known. She's famous for guilt trips and never taking responsibility for her role in anything. She's offensive and a control freak. The world revolves around her and her "feelings". I've worked hard over the years to undo all the damage she did to me as a child (mostly confidence and negativity related). A year and a half ago, I decided enough was enough and that I at least needed a break from her. My Dad passed away 11 years ago, and she made his final year miserable as his caretaker. She remarried a man in 2015 and I didn't go to the wedding. She never let me forget that. Since then, she's send hateful emails saying she wants a relationship with me and then insulting me in the same email. Two days ago she sent another, and there was no insult, for a change. I decided in the spirit of Christmas to respond. I told her I didn't think she understood why I stopped talking to her, and then explained it, not in a mean way, but just to clarify. I should have known better. She responded with another email completely missing the point and saying she would never contact me again. Looks like my original decision was the right one, which was my response.
Today is Christmas, and I'm actually fine, despite being alone. I'm also relieved I never have to deal with this toxic woman again. Now I just have to figure out how to explain it to the next woman I decide to date seriously, but thats a topic for another thread I guess.
I do not understand why you seem upset that she said she wouldn't contact you again? Isn't that basically what you were trying to get her to do?
I have a very similar situation. My mother was pretty much the same as yours, she will say the most hurtful things and never apologize, but if you try to call her on it she throws a hissy fit.
At the time I met my husband, I was really keeping her at arms lemgth, but we were not estranged, because my dad and I were very close when I was younger and I didn't want to lose him. I would explain to my husband about how manipulative and hurtful she was but coming from a normal family, he just couldn't wrap his head around it. He really had to see her in action to get it.
It was when we told her we were moving overseas that she finally lost it and I told her how ridiculous she was being, she said 'since you don't want us in your lives, we're gone for good', expecting me to once again come running back and pretend she hadn't said everything else she'd said too. She was surprised when I didn't. And still haven't 10 years later.
She's tried only once to reach out. And only said 'I can't believe you're still upset about it', no apology, no excuses. I told her she was wasting her time and she didn't bother again. The hardest part however has been losing my dad. Whenever I try to contact him, she always intervenes and then the conversation gets cut off. We really don't talk at all anymore.
It's also hard to explain to other people. I tend to just say I'm not close with my family to anyone who asks, no further detail required. It is harder when it's a partner or worse, their family. You will have people who think you are just ungrateful, or that you should just suck it up because it's your mom. If you have kids, you'll wonder if maybe she might be better with grandkids. That's really up to you to figure out. It wasn't the case for me, luckily my kids have awesome grandparents on my husband's side.
Good luck. Know that there are a lot of us out there in the same situation.
I haven't spoken to my mother in almost four years. I grew up as an only child in a very toxic household; my father was mentally ill (borderline personality disorder + narcissism) and emotionally abusive, and my mother just ignored his behavior. For literally my entire life - until I finally cut him out completely in my mid-30s, we would have massive screaming fights regularly, set off by the most innocuous things - any disagreement, no matter how minor, was liable to set him off into fits of rage. And he would try to hurt me deeply - as a child, if I tried to disengage, he would chase me around the house screaming at me until I burst into tears, or threaten to throw our cat out into the street, threaten to call up my teachers (who generally loved me - I was a straight-A student and really respectful) to tell them how I "really" was... and then of course there were the threats to send me off to military school because I was such a horrible child. Stuff like that.
Instead of defending me, my mother just made excuses - that was how Hungarians are (he was from Hungary); it was always because of "my tone" ... or else she would just deny that anything was the matter at all. For her, everything was my fault, and she never missed an opportunity to complain about how all she ever wanted was peace and quiet - which, the implication was, I was preventing because I wouldn't just kowtow to my father. As his mental illness worsened as he got older, leading to repeated hospitalization, electroshock therapy, etc., my mother basically abandoned me to attend to him. He, of course, manipulated her in order to have her at his beck and call, and she essentially threw me to the curb. As an example, for my college graduation, my father's doctor said he should absolutely not come, but he demanded to fly out - and my mother of course caved because she always did whatever he wanted; as soon as he got to the hotel, he had/feigned a nervous breakdown, so my mother then spent the week attending to his every whim and abandoned me completely. He didn't even come to the graduation ceremony because it was "too cold." Basically, my father wanted my mother's complete attention/love and saw me as a threat, which he was determined to crush.
When I finally cut my father out completely, my mother was furious - she would call me regularly and berate me, trying to get me to buckle to my father's will. After he died, I hoped that things would get better between us, and that without his toxic influence she would start to make some effort to rebuild our relationship. But instead, when I'd come to visit, all she did was criticize me and complain, and after a few years of that I realized that she was incapable of change, and that I needed to distance myself for my own mental health. The last couple of times we spoke on the phone, I just let it loose and told her exactly how I felt - how my father was cruel and abusive and how she was complicit in that abuse - and she as she always did said that there was any abuse at all, that she did absolutely everything she possibly could as a mother, and just blamed our lack of a relationship on me. I told her never to call me again, hung up the phone - and that was the last we spoke.
Since then, she's continued to call and leave voicemails, periodically send me cards, etc - always telling me that she wants to repair our relationship but refusing to take any responsibility whatsoever for her actions over the years. It took me several years to rebuild my emotional reserves and improve my self-esteem, which as a result of my childhood has always been quite low, and now I'm thinking that maybe I should reach out to her. But I honestly don't believe she's changed, and I don't think she'll ever be capable of understanding or accepting how much she's hurt me over the years. I think she's so emotionally invested in her narrative of how difficult I was, and how she's the victim. And I kind of get it - at her age (mid-70s), it's got to be incredibly difficult to admit to yourself that you were a bad parent and that you caused intense emotional damage to your child. It's probably much easier to just tell yourself that your kid is a bad seed and that you're blameless.
I've spent so much time and energy over the years trying to have a rational, normal human relationship with her, and it's never worked. I don't have any faith at all that we'll be able to repair our relationship, but at the same time I don't want this situation to continue. I know I've made a lot of progress repairing my own psyche since I cut off contact, but when I get stressed or depressed I still hear her voice in my head criticizing me for every little thing, and I fear that if I do contact her again, she'll just go back to her usual behavior pattern, and that'll drag me down again.
Anyway, I guess I'm just venting. Thanks for listening. Happy holidays, everyone.
You owe it to yourself to at least try, but do so with a professional to guide you both. Otherwise, you may regret it horribly when your mother passes and you no longer have the chance.
Your mother sounds like she was a victim, whether you understand that at this point or not. Do some research, and try to see what a victim might have behaved like from her era...and consult a professional individually, then include your mother as the professional decides that you are ready. Good luck, and I'm very sorry that your Dad was so mentally ill, and it was not addressed and you were emotionslly abused because of that.
I have always had a wonderful relationship with my mom. When I was younger, I thought something was wrong with a person who didn't get along with their mom.
It wasn't until I lived some life that I realized some moms are not as great as mine. (Yes, I feel undeservedly lucky and blessed.) My dad was difficult to live with. Finally, in my 30s, I came to the conclusion that he was a good man, but had issues due to how HE grew up (and I hadn't understood that when I was growing up).
It could be the parent's issue or it could be an issue that the offspring should own up to. At any rate, people make mistakes.
Alt: I hope your life gets better. You need to do what is good for you. My son has done what you did. I've come accept that it is his choice. I only want him happy. He seems to be successful.
I do not understand why you seem upset that she said she wouldn't contact you again? Isn't that basically what you were trying to get her to do?
Not upset at all about that, just baffled (though I shouldn't be) that her saying she wanted a relationship with me was BS and as soon as she got something she didn't want to hear, it was over. She must not have really meant it in the first place. My Mother is all about what someone can do for her. Her new husband is in bad shape (he's 81) and she's probably wondering who will take care of her when he's gone. It won't be me! Her love was always conditional as a mother, and I'm just happy I see that and have nothing to do with it.
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