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Anyone here have strains on their marriage due to the death of their spouses parents and the drama connected to the arrangements?
About a week ago I started a discussion on City Data about my wife's father being on his death bed and how she did not want to spend the time and money to say goodbye to her Dad after a lifetime of coldness from both her parents. Well after a week of suffering, the lord has send my wife's father home. He has died and now we are in funeral planning mode.
The rest of the family (my wife's three sisters) now are saying how wonderful their father was and how he deserves a great send off. The best casket, a two day visitation at the funeral home, a fancy funeral and a huge reception for family and friends. Estimated cost about $20,000.
Trouble is, the rest of the family does not have any money and are living pay check to paycheck. My wife is the only person who has any money and were were told that we will pay for the whole event. We owe it to him and the family because we could not find the time to visit him on his death bed.
Our money situation is good, but not excellent. We are retired.
Because my wife's mother will not have her now deceased husband's Social Security checks anymore, she will not have enough money to pay her mortgage and cover other expenses, so we were told that we should send her a $1000 a month to cover the shortfall. Her parents stopped paying on the term life insurance and, again, no one else in the family has any money.
Your thoughts and your own experiences regarding how your relationship with your spouse was impacted by the death of his or her parents.
Tell the rest of the family they are free to spend *their* money how they choose however they are not free to spend *your* money.
Also tell the family that Mom should have planned better and they are free to spend *their* money for her continued care.
Your wife is not obligated to engage in, agree to or support anyone in her family and *NO* is a complete sentence.
I was caring for my father when he had dementia. His wife passed in his home in the Midwest and was supposed to be cared for by her family. It had to be a closed casket because they let her die while they were out partying for a few days and left her alone for several days.
At the funeral home THEY were there to make plans. I was there with my Father and asked what their money contribution was going to be. They said none. I said the plans would be made by my Father, buh bye. About $7,000 spent on the casket and viewing. The granddaughter said it was the wish of grandma to have an urn with sons ashes buried in the casket with her. OK by me. The funeral home CALLED me and stated they had some reservations about burying the urn THAT THEY HAD NOT BEEN PAID FOR!!! The son had died about 2 years earlier. I notified the wife's family and I guess they came up with the $350 payment for the urn. Because the body was in such bad shape the wedding rings had to be CUT off. The grand daughter had the nerve to ask for them!
My Father bought mail order shoes he liked and had about 10 new pairs left in the Midwest home that were no longer there. At the gravesite I pointed out to several of my relatives that the wife's grandson was wearing my Dad's shoes!
You and your wife need to sit down and talk about what SHE wants to do and then agree to a plan for how she will accomplish it. She should have money to spend as she wishes and she could always get a job if that would not be enough.
Your wife’s family shouldn’t be telling you how to spend your money. In fact, they shouldn’t even know how much you have. Keep your mouth shut regarding your financials!
I would tell her family that you can’t afford the 20K funeral or paying 1K/month for the mom’s ongoing monthly expenses. Say you will TRY to split the cost with wife’s siblings (to be fair and to do your share) but that is all you can pay at this time. And don’t budge from that.
And don't let them make your wife (or you) feel guilty. Stick to your guns - "I can't afford it, sorry". Even if they "think" they know how much $$ you have, in reality they don't...just repeat that you can't afford it.
Maybe this is a weird way of looking at it, but I would never spend $20K on a huge, fun party while I'm alive, so why in the world should my children be expected to spend that amount on my funeral?! What a waste.
OP, your wife's dad should be cremated, and her mom should move into a place she can afford. IMO there would need to be some pretty extenuating circumstances before adult children should feel obligated to pay the living expenses of their parents. I would never want to put my own grown children in that position (and thankfully, I cannot see that ever happening).
Many families don't want to talk about death issues before the need. That opens them up to emotional pressures and fights at a time when they have a very short period to decide. IMO, it essentially leads to emotional blackmail on the part of funeral homes. It's a shame. I recommend anyone who reads this thread - talk to your family now.
Maybe this is a weird way of looking at it, but I would never spend $20K on a huge, fun party while I'm alive, so why in the world should my children be expected to spend that amount on my funeral?! What a waste.
OP, your wife's dad should be cremated, and her mom should move into a place she can afford. IMO there would need to be some pretty extenuating circumstances before adult children should feel obligated to pay the living expenses of their parents. I would never want to put my own grown children in that position (and thankfully, I cannot see that ever happening).
That's not weird at all. My Mom would never take money from us no matter what. My sis already offered her home to live with them and she was like, nope. I'm good.
Cremate him and scatter the ashes. Cost in my town: $695. Convince the MIL to sell her house and take up the sister's offer to let her live there. The sale value of the home should stretch out for quite a while and her SS benefit would easily cover the sister's expenses for her living there. Hold a memorial service for family and friends in a low-cost public space or a no-cost private home. Why does it have to be any more complicated or expensive than that?
I would NEVER spend $20,000 on a funeral. Nor would I spend that on a wedding or any other type of party. Cremate the remains, offer to host a memorial gathering at your house and don't give it another thought.
Anyone here have strains on their marriage due to the death of their spouses parents and the drama connected to the arrangements?
About a week ago I started a discussion on City Data about my wife's father being on his death bed and how she did not want to spend the time and money to say goodbye to her Dad after a lifetime of coldness from both her parents. Well after a week of suffering, the lord has send my wife's father home. He has died and now we are in funeral planning mode.
The rest of the family (my wife's three sisters) now are saying how wonderful their father was and how he deserves a great send off. The best casket, a two day visitation at the funeral home, a fancy funeral and a huge reception for family and friends. Estimated cost about $20,000.
Trouble is, the rest of the family does not have any money and are living pay check to paycheck. My wife is the only person who has any money and were were told that we will pay for the whole event. We owe it to him and the family because we could not find the time to visit him on his death bed.
Our money situation is good, but not excellent. We are retired.
Because my wife's mother will not have her now deceased husband's Social Security checks anymore, she will not have enough money to pay her mortgage and cover other expenses, so we were told that we should send her a $1000 a month to cover the shortfall. Her parents stopped paying on the term life insurance and, again, no one else in the family has any money.
Your thoughts and your own experiences regarding how your relationship with your spouse was impacted by the death of his or her parents.
I would tell them simply put up or shut up end of story. If you are on the hook for all of it than you do it withing reason. Spend what you feel you can afford or want to afford. If they don't like it too bad.
I don't believe in big funerals. The mortuary people want you to believe in that.
He may need to be buried because of religious beliefs. You can't just cremate someone who doesn't believe in that. It isn't polite, and it is your wife's money too. She can pay for half of the expenses. Maybe.
If I could afford it and it was my father, I would get him a cheap little funeral. What is the point of expensive? It isn't the love boat pleasure cruise.
The mom, might have to sell her house. We live in reality tv land now.
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