Wife's father has died. Now there is family pressure to pay for fancy funeral and support her mother (jealous, conversation)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm sure OP has been busy with all that is going on, but when he gets a chance to catch up on this thread, I hope he notices that NO ONE has advised him to fork over the $20K for a funeral or $1000/month for mom's living expenses. Not one.
OP, it should be crystal clear that "NO" is the only acceptable response.
i'm a social worker for a living, and often see this all.the.time that it's really unfortunate. You are not obligated to your in-laws, and most definately not your wife to her own parents and siblings. They cannot blame their own poor planning and oversight on you. Since emotions is running high and you seem to the only one with logical and clear thinking that it is one of those moments in a marriage where the stronger spouse have to step in for the weaker spouse. Your wife is the weaker one with all the intense emotions, manuiplation drawn out, fight and flight mode isn't making your wife think clearly, and as such you step in to tell the family.
no, final no. They can fork over (split evenly by each sibling) for the CHEAPEST funeral arrangement, or you guys can contribute but get the final say in how the arrangmenets happen. i.e certainly no $20K bill, but cremation and a simple hall type of place with pot luck for lunch after the service/cremation. If they don't like the last option, then THEY pay for everything the way they want.
Lastly, don't get pulled in to be on the hook to cover the shortfall every month, you don't know how long your MIL will live. both of you need to protect your own funds for your own twilight years. The MIL can always sell the house, move into a condo/assisted living type of place with funds from sale of house, take in lodgers if she has more than 2 bedrooms in her house. it's what my mum does, she refused to sell her 5 bedroom house, and i made her rent out the downtstairs bedroom in her home to a graduate student to get more income.
OP: I suggest you carefully read the above post, as mommy2be is a professional with both expertise and experience.
It was stated earlier that there is a reverse mortgage on the house. If this is the case, I believe they don't own the house anymore. I believe that means the mortgage company either gave the OP's parents a lump sum -or- the OP's parents get a monthly payment from the mortgage company until their death and they are allowed to live in it until their death, at which point, the mortgage company takes over the property.
It depends. They could have gotten a lump sum (in which case, the question would be where did the money go?) - or a monthly amount (in which case, why isn't her social security and monthly reverse mortgage amount enough to cover her?) If she were to die - and the house sold for (example) $180K - and the bank was owed $100K - the estate still gets $80K (minus selling costs).
Something doesn't add up on the MIL. Did they take a lump sum and blow it - or is she getting a monthly check? If she is getting a monthly check - that added to her SS check should more than cover her.
Is the OP Retired Now? If so, this sounds like another story.
Im pretty sure your wifes dad wouldn't want you spending 20K on his funeral. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. And they're trying to make you pay for their funeral.
Why is there even a mortgage? If the OP and his wife are retired, how old is the mother?
Come on, people who still have mortgages when they're in their 70s and 80s are people who never handled money properly.
Nothing wrong with taking out a mortgage at any age. I'm planning on a $5,000,000 mortgage at age 99! Set a years worth of payments aside and invest the rest in Vegas, baby! A 99 year old white whale. I'll be popular. I'll be the old coot waving from my flying car going up and down the strip. Wheeee! No seriously I need to pee.
They have a reverse mortgage. The house is PAYING them.
I paid $950 for a cemetery plot for my mom last summer in a cemetery a couple hundred yards from my house. A headstone will run about $2,000 engraved and installed. My mom wanted the traditional cremation and cemetery thing. It's $4K, not $20K.
$950 for a cemetery plot? My mom passed away in 2012. She had bought a double plot when my father died in the 1970's. When her time came, I found the paperwork for the purchase and the double plot cost $250 in 1974. While at the cemetery planning her arrangements, I asked the cemetery employee just for the heck of it what the plot would cost today. He said around $8,000. I think you definitely got a bargain.
It is unfortunate, but for so many elderly and aging women, they spent their lives as housewives and hence their Social Security benefit is less than if they worked full time and hired someone to take care of the various household responsibilities.
Your MIL's predicament is one repeated far too often.
Are your wife's family recent immigrants? Do they view this from the perspective of "that's how it we do it in the old country?"
At the end of the day, you may personally have to be the grownup in the room and say "NO."
My husband was cremated and it cost me $1200. I would have liked him to have a nicer "sending off" but in the end what does it matter how your remains are dealt with? Dead is dead - the soul has left the body. Don't let others, including funeral homes make you feel you MUST spend $20K for a fancy funeral when your wife was not even on good terms with her father. Don't let her guilt, whether it's justified or not, call the shots here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by djohnslaw
funerals are a waste of money especially elaborate ones.
how nice of these blood suckers to want the best of everything on your dime.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1AngryTaxPayer
Funeral parlors remind me of 5 dollar cards. It's marketing and they've used guilt to sell their wares.
Is anyone dead better off with a more expensive funeral?
Next, why is someone entitled to a place with a mortgage? What will you do when your money is gone?
I'm always amused when more money is spent on someone who's dead than alive. That said, I'm sure some circles have religious reasons. All I can say is, glad I'm not in one of them.
It's also not your problem to pay for someone to live beyond their means. If she can't afford a 1 bedroom apartment, help with that. You are retired. It's not bottomless. She probably needs to be in subsidized elderly housing. Help get her on the waiting list.
The bigger issue comes when she can't live independently. Assisted living costs a fortune. You need to have a contingency plan for that. You should probably have a meeting with the social worker who deals with the elderly in that town. This happens every day.
.
This! OP, someone should go over her finances to see if she has enough money in case she needs to move to assisted living or a nursing home at some point. It would probably be best for her to be frugal now, to make sure there's enough for any contingency. She may not qualify for subsidized senior housing if she gets a partial SS from the deceased's account, plus proceeds from the sale of her home, even if invested, but all of that should be analyzed so the best solution for her can be found. Maybe that's the part of the project that your wife could take on.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
