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OP, cremation is a lot less expensive than burial in a plot in a casket with a headstone (many of those headstones cost $3000 and up). My dad actually WANTED to be cremated, though he could afford any sort of funeral, so we didn't have to buy an expensive casket or a plot or headstone.
If the OP's wife's dad was a veteran, military troops will provide a touching flag folding ceremony and play Taps at the funeral at no cost. This is a nice touch. You can also have a flag draped casket at the viewing rather than paying for flowers covering the casket. And it looks GREAT so that's a win win..
I posted both paragraphs together because of the mention of the headstone. If FIL was a veteran, he gets a free headstone. If you get the upright stone monument, you could do like me and my exwife's family did. We set it ourselves. With a post hole digger and shovel, 5 gallon bucket of gravel for the bottom of the hole (DGA is best because it packs better) and a bag of cement, we had it in place in maybe 20 minutes.
If you want the bronze plaque, we had it mounted on stone and put in place by the local monument company for $300. Either way you go, the headstone is free for veterans. The funeral home should have told you all this.
The restaurant dinner for 100 is the part to me that is most outrageous. The OP is discussing the funeral of an aged man, presumably many of his contemporaries are old or deceased. A potluck at the church seems more than adequate.
To contrast, the fanciest funeral I have ever attended did not exceed $20,000. This was a middle-aged guy whose spouse had significant money. The church service was maybe $5000 -- a nice service in King's Chapel in downtown Boston plus music and printed programs. The reception at a private club for about 80 people was two hours of passed hors d'oeuvres and open bar, maybe $10,000. The burial also was in town, perhaps another $5000 for the plot and monument.
Again, this was a well-to-do person in the prime of life, socially active, on a number of charitable boards, etc. There was reasonable justification to throw an event. I cannot imagine blowing twenty grand under the conditions that the OP describes.
This post and the preceding one have given me an idea. OP, since the others are looking to you to finance everything, in a way, that puts you in the driver's seat. One way to handle the situation is to simply take control; this is the "it's my money, so I'm calling the shots" approach. Just tell everyone there will be a cremation and a pot-luck memorial lunch at the funeral home. If they're not happy with it, they can pay for something else.
Call SS to find out what the widow is entitled to. Make an executive decision regarding that, such as--since she gets all or part of the deceased's SS, plus she has the disposable asset of the home, and their retirement account, announce that she can make her own decisions on how to proceed based on all those assets. End of story, and if the others don't like it, they can step in and take over on their own accounts.
Good luck. Sounds like a tough crowd, but since they've put the ball in your court, run with it. If they don't like the direction in which you're running, they're welcome to take the ball back.
How does the OP restaurant dinner get to be so outrageous in cost? Is this in NYC or somewhere very pricey? I hosted a milestone birthday dinner in Miami Beach a few years ago -- 100 guests. Total cost was $9500. That was a prix fixe menu with wine and cocktails for 100 people in a high-end restaurant.
The OP needs to Shut It Down with these sisters-in-law.
Don't do it. You don't live nearby so you won't be bothered by them. Even if you pay, she will still be the bad person who didn't visit and who had to be begged to bury him. A similar situation just happened with my grandma. My uncle was guilted into paying and he said he wasn't going to pay it all and asked his 3 siblings for $500 each. They all cried poor and he held his stance and my mom actually postponed the funeral instead of them chipping in. The end result was he paid for it all and a lot of people were cruel to him bc the narrative became "can you believe what he did?". Bottom line is terrible people are going to be terrible no matter what you do so don't jam yourself up. I learned that the hard way.
Supposedly families often get wildly ripped off with funeral costs.
The best way to object is to point out that the best way to honor him won't be in spending pointlessly for a short rent, but to speak of him and remember him, often and lovingly. You can add that you approve to allocating money to the living spouse, but to spend excessively on the dead is meaningless - and that he would have preferred money to be channeled to his wife, anyway.
Hard to say about supporting the wife in the future, without knowing how much money you can spare. If you're feeling generous, could you say you'd match whatever the other three contribute?
We offered $3000 towards the funeral and reception and they hung up on us after a lot of crying and yelling.
Thank you for the update.
Quote:
Originally Posted by westender
The restaurant dinner for 100 is the part to me that is most outrageous. The OP is discussing the funeral of an aged man, presumably many of his contemporaries are old or deceased. A potluck at the church seems more than adequate.
To contrast, the fanciest funeral I have ever attended did not exceed $20,000. This was a middle-aged guy whose spouse had significant money. The church service was maybe $5000 -- a nice service in King's Chapel in downtown Boston plus music and printed programs. The reception at a private club for about 80 people was two hours of passed hors d'oeuvres and open bar, maybe $10,000. The burial also was in town, perhaps another $5000 for the plot and monument.
Again, this was a well-to-do person in the prime of life, socially active, on a number of charitable boards, etc. There was reasonable justification to throw an event. I cannot imagine blowing twenty grand under the conditions that the OP describes.
Great post.
I have attended dozens of funerals over the years. I can not imagine even the fanciest funeral (of a wealthy friend) or the largest funeral (the teenage son of a prominent minister) or any other funeral came even close to costing $20,000.
In fact, I have attended several large memorial services, with maybe 150 to 200 people in attendance, that probably cost under $1,000 (not counting the cremation) for coffee and cake or coffee and snacks in the church basement.
$20,000? Not unless the deceased pre-planned and pre-paid for the funeral with their own money.
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-24-2017 at 04:22 PM..
My mom said she would absolutely HAUNT me if I tried to give her any kind of funeral and she didn't want anyone picking at her except young people learning to be Dr's at medical school . So now she is back in her urn in my living room surrounded with pics and mementos she liked waiting on me to join her . Then we shall go to a fancy little niche at Hollywood Forever. We both loved it there . She did get a super way out obit that lots of people really liked .
Everything cost $750 and I will not be haunted ! and that included beautiful Swarovski jewelry with some of her ashes for my kids , my sister , my husband , her friend that asked for one and her darling long term nurses who asked for one . Anyone who asked for one I gave one to. It was her money and she loved these people .
My funeral director that buried my family for 100 years and was a friend from babyhood recently unfriended me on FB because I did not vote for DT ( ridiculous reason) so his days and many others days of $20,000 funerals are coming to a close .
People everywhere are choosing all kinds of alternative things . That $20,000 extravaganza is a GIANT waste of money .
We offered $3000 towards the funeral and reception and they hung up on us after a lot of crying and yelling.
Gawd, what a headache! So, is that the end of it, OP? You're leaving it up to them, and getting on with life? How does your wife feel about it at this point? How does she relate to her sisters in general?
So if $3,000 is insignificant to these folks, I would let them do their big celebration without my contribution. If you cave, you will be hounded for money for their wants for the rest of your lives.
There are many ways to honor someone whether you attend their funeral/memorial service or not.
Was he a veteran? Many of us have asked because veteran's affairs will provide a grave stone.
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and that included beautiful Swarovski jewelry with some of her ashes for my kids , my sister , my husband , her friend that asked for one and her darling long term nurses who asked for one . Anyone who asked for one I gave one to. It was her money and she loved these people . 
