Wife's father has died. Now there is family pressure to pay for fancy funeral and support her mother (gatherings, meeting)
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Your MIL should qualify for 1/2 of her husbands SS. That's the first thing.
I don't think it is fair that your wife is expected to foot the bill for an expensive funeral, when the family doesn't have the resources for that. Even if she had visited her father, I imagine she would still be asked to do this. The lack of a visit is just an excuse.
Tell the family the sum you can afford, and let them figure out the rest. Be prepared for friction in the family though. But since your wife did not visit her father when he was dying, i imagine there is already friction in the family toward her.
Decide how much you can afford to give them toward a funeral, and then do that. But you might want to arrange to pay the funeral home directly. Just sayin'.
This post and the preceding one have given me an idea. OP, since the others are looking to you to finance everything, in a way, that puts you in the driver's seat. One way to handle the situation is to simply take control; this is the "it's my money, so I'm calling the shots" approach. Just tell everyone there will be a cremation and a pot-luck memorial lunch at the funeral home. If they're not happy with it, they can pay for something else.
Call SS to find out what the widow is entitled to. Make an executive decision regarding that, such as--since she gets all or part of the deceased's SS, plus she has the disposable asset of the home, and their retirement account, announce that she can make her own decisions on how to proceed based on all those assets. End of story, and if the others don't like it, they can step in and take over on their own accounts.
Good luck. Sounds like a tough crowd, but since they've put the ball in your court, run with it. If they don't like the direction in which you're running, they're welcome to take the ball back.
I would add, a pot luck at a Church hall, or even trays of sandwiches from Costco etc, would be a smarter way to go, than a fancy dinner for 100+ at a fancy restaurant. That makes no sense.
When my parents died, we did have lunch in a nice restaurant for family & close friends, but they had left enough money in the estate to cover it.
Is their a house that the parents owned? Does it have any equity in it? Could a trade be made? Could the op and spouse be placed on the home as an owner? The reason I am asking is from watching my sister and her husband. His parents were semi retired. They own a beautiful home and a couple rentals. They are also getting older. My sister and brother in law have lived with them since they got married. They bought a condo and the parents said to rent it out and keep living with them so they did. Now they have several rental properties. A year or so ago they moved into a new home that they had built in Arizona. My brother in laws parents made a deal with them. They would move in and rent out their home. Basically when they are not traveling they would have a place to stay. When they need it my sister and her husband would take care of them. In the end my sister and her husband get the home and other rentals that the parents own.
My sister can not have kids and so they figured that they would spend their life building a nice net worth. It was not hard to say yes to having the parents live with them. Also they are on track to retire in 12 years. Lets say that the parents need full time care in 12 years, then they are their for them. Either way they will take care of the parents.
Could something similar work out for the op. They pay for everything with the benefit of getting the house, that is if the house has any kind of equity or value. The other kids do not get anything out of the home or estate. Their money, their benefit. LOL
It seems like someone is always looking at someone else's wallet. I would start setting boundaries to redefine my relationships with these family members. Because it won't end with the funeral.
I have a male friend whose wife's nieces have consistently hit him up for money, over and over again. They are young women in their early 20s. They have accused him of "neglecting his family" because he won't give them money. They have also used a family death to prey on his sympathy, hoping to get something. They have harassed him to the point where he has blocked them on social media.
Funerals are for the living not the dead. If you can't afford to spend that much on a service, then don't. How are they going to make you pay for something that you don't want? You should get together as a family and decide what to spend. If no one else is willing to contribute, then the funeral will be based on your contribution. You can buy a casket from Costco. Although it has come to be expected, you don't have to feed people dinner after the service, you can have light refreshments. I would tell them that if you want me to pay, we are doing it my way- no agreements.
If you are retired, you can't support your MIL. There is no reason why she can't downsize, take in roommates or live with one of her other daughters. Their poor financial planning doesn't mean that you will pick up the slack (first it was $1000 a month, now it's $750- what's the real number?).
This post and the preceding one have given me an idea. OP, since the others are looking to you to finance everything, in a way, that puts you in the driver's seat. One way to handle the situation is to simply take control; this is the "it's my money, so I'm calling the shots" approach. Just tell everyone there will be a cremation and a pot-luck memorial lunch at the funeral home. If they're not happy with it, they can pay for something else.
Call SS to find out what the widow is entitled to. Make an executive decision regarding that, such as--since she gets all or part of the deceased's SS, plus she has the disposable asset of the home, and their retirement account, announce that she can make her own decisions on how to proceed based on all those assets. End of story, and if the others don't like it, they can step in and take over on their own accounts.
Good luck. Sounds like a tough crowd, but since they've put the ball in your court, run with it. If they don't like the direction in which you're running, they're welcome to take the ball back.
I like this idea. Sometimes it's hard to step way back and take a sensible look.
I also don't think the family suddenly came up with 'you have more money, you pay for it all'. I think they've been watching your income for some time.
The reason they give...your not coming to dad's deathbed....does not equate.
If you like you could add up the cost of coming to dad's deathbed and say ok since the family equates the two you'll pay that much.
It seems like someone is always looking at someone else's wallet. I would start setting boundaries to redefine my relationships with these family members. Because it won't end with the funeral.
I have a male friend whose wife's nieces have consistently hit him up for money, over and over again. They are young women in their early 20s. They have accused him of "neglecting his family" because he won't give them money. They have also used a family death to prey on his sympathy, hoping to get something. They have harassed him to the point where he has blocked them on social media.
Nieces? Why don't they hit up their own parents? That's outrageous! I've never heard of nieces/nephews demanding money of aunts/uncles. What's wrong with people these days?
Is their a house that the parents owned? Does it have any equity in it? Could a trade be made? Could the op and spouse be placed on the home as an owner? The reason I am asking is from watching my sister and her husband. His parents were semi retired. They own a beautiful home and a couple rentals. They are also getting older. My sister and brother in law have lived with them since they got married. They bought a condo and the parents said to rent it out and keep living with them so they did. Now they have several rental properties. A year or so ago they moved into a new home that they had built in Arizona. My brother in laws parents made a deal with them. They would move in and rent out their home. Basically when they are not traveling they would have a place to stay. When they need it my sister and her husband would take care of them. In the end my sister and her husband get the home and other rentals that the parents own.
My sister can not have kids and so they figured that they would spend their life building a nice net worth. It was not hard to say yes to having the parents live with them. Also they are on track to retire in 12 years. Lets say that the parents need full time care in 12 years, then they are their for them. Either way they will take care of the parents.
Could something similar work out for the op. They pay for everything with the benefit of getting the house, that is if the house has any kind of equity or value. The other kids do not get anything out of the home or estate. Their money, their benefit. LOL
It was stated earlier that there is a reverse mortgage on the house. If this is the case, I believe they don't own the house anymore. I believe that means the mortgage company either gave the OP's parents a lump sum -or- the OP's parents get a monthly payment from the mortgage company until their death and they are allowed to live in it until their death, at which point, the mortgage company takes over the property.
It was stated earlier that there is a reverse mortgage on the house. If this is the case, I believe they don't own the house anymore. I believe that means the mortgage company either gave the OP's parents a lump sum -or- the OP's parents get a monthly payment from the mortgage company until their death and they are allowed to live in it until their death, at which point, the mortgage company takes over the property.
Sorry, I failed to read everything. I will be more diligent next time.
I guess my real thought was that if the OP were going to take the brunt of the financial pain then the Op should get a larger benefit than those not willing or not able to help out. Maybe that is selfish but families do seem to head that way when any kind of money is at stake. My thought, lay out all the cards on the table and let everyone know that you are willing to do ABC if XYZ is fullfilled.
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I will be more diligent next time. 
