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I had not seen my father in 17 year when he passed. I was contacted by my aunts and uncles to take care of everything and I did to an extent. I cleaned and packed up his home, took care of final arrangements, etc. I didn't pay for anything! I took money from his accounts to pay for cremation and to reimburse me for my time, gas and hotel. He lived 5 hours from me. I was not close to him at all and not in his life so I did it the cheapest way possible and I didn't care what others thought! If they wanted it done differently, then they could have paid for it.
I suggest you tell your wife that $20k is ridiculous! There needs to be a family meeting and your wife needs to tell her sisters what their share would cost. If they can't afford it, then your wife will pay the bare minimum. It's not fair that she pay 100% of the cost anyway! Just my honest opinion on the matter.
I say that, if you feel your wife is COMPLETELY at peace with not visiting her father before he died - and will always remain so (be very sure about this .. if there is any conflict at all in her, any guilt whatsoever, be very careful here - but you would probably be the one who could best assess this .. we can't help there), then I would not even attend the funeral, much less pay for it or their mother's continuing expenses.
I am a very compassionate person (which is why I say that your wife needs to look deep into her heart before walking completely away) but the rest of the family, who it sounds like are quite estranged from your wife anyway, are trying to railroad you/her .. and probably hoping there is some 'guilt' buried there they can exploit. In any event, I would definitely not chip in for a lavish event even if you decide to go/participate. If you are paying, YOU call the shots on all that.
As for the mother, that one is a bit more difficult I expect - and unless your wife is indeed willing to walk completely away from the entire family knowing there is no turning back ever, the only thing I can suggest there is that EVERYONE share equally in that. In other words, if you give X number of dollars a month (or better yet a lump sum if you have it - that way you could show compassion and be done with it .. be sure to say you will NEVER cough up again if you do that) then everyone else must give the same amount as well or you can't help out at all.
Whether or not your wife was hurt by or felt ostracized at all, I am sorry your wife's father died and her mother is in what sound like dire straits - but you should NOT do more than you can afford .. never should even if you both loved him dearly and will miss him endlessly. You cannot renew your resources if you are retired. And any decent human being, related or not, would not want to see you impoverished to put on a display for someone who has already passed away - and like a wedding it is only a few hours and a LOT of dollars these days to put on that display .. which you may pay for the rest of your lives. And the mother .. well, it is unfortunate she may be in that situation (though that should indeed be completely verified anyway) but there is a good chance you would do everyone a lot more good by just volunteering to help find her public assistance avenues if necessary.
Offer whatever amount you're willing to part with, let the sisters know what it is, and let them plan everything, now that they'll know what you can budget and what they can budget. You or your wife DO NOT SIGN A DAMN THING!!!
All good advice above, don't feel guilty about having common sense. It's time for your wife's family to own up to living their lives the way they did. If they want extravagance, let them borrow the money for the funeral. Maybe they'll learn a lesson. Don't give in, they will despise you either way.
Offer up as much as you are comfortable with and tell them to either come up with the rest of the money or scale down the cost of the funeral.
Done.
I agree.
Among my family & friends it is the responsibility of the surviving spouse to pay for the funeral that they can afford.
If your wife's parents did not plan ahead for the funeral of the first spouse that dies it is NOT your problem.
Now, you can offer MIL whatever you can afford, perhaps $2,000, but IMHO, if your MIL & FIL wanted a $20,000 funeral they should have saved up the money and prepaid for the funeral.
I guarantee you that if you and your wife cough up $20,000 for a funeral extravaganza her sisters will be expecting you to cough up thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars in the future, whenever expenses come up.
Among my family & friends it is the responsibility of the surviving spouse to pay for the funeral that they can afford.
If your wife's parents did not plan ahead for the funeral of the first spouse that dies it is NOT your problem.
Now, you can offer MIL whatever you can afford, perhaps $2,000, but IMHO, if your MIL & FIL wanted a $20,000 funeral they should have saved up the money and prepaid for the funeral.
I guarantee you that if you and your wife cough up $20,000 for a funeral extravaganza her sisters will be expecting you to cough up thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars in the future, whenever expenses come up.
And they still won't be happy with you.
I had my late husband cremated for $1000, then had a memorial/scattering of ashes from a boat, another $800, post trip lunch for everyone, another $100.
Also when I turned 60, I got his SS, it is almost as much as he was getting.
$20K for a funeral is INSANE. So is spending someone else's money for them. Send them a check for whatever you feel comfortable with, and tell them to do what they can with that and whatever else they can scrape together. And whatever you do, do NOT go (or your wife either) to the funeral home to get involved in planning - you will get likely get guilted into signing something and being on the hook. Let the sisters do all that.
Because my wife's mother will not have her now deceased husband's Social Security checks anymore, she will not have enough money to pay her mortgage and cover other expenses, so we were told that we should send her a $1000 a month to cover the shortfall.
"Gee, does she really need $1000 a month from me? How much will you be contributing?"
Multiply this question times the number of people who think you ought to do this, then add up the amount they are going to contribute to determine if she really needs $1000 from you only.
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