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I disagree, I don't care how old someone is, if they are living in MY home I don't want them up and about while I am sleeping. This is just adolescence continued. Early to bed, early to rise, make a man healthy, wealthy and wise. Unless one is working late hours there is no need to be up late when you are a guest, at any age.
If they wanted to downsize, they can just kick child out or let child use their couch in a smaller place. They are not innocent victims here since they decided to extend their home to the OP. Even then using "my house my rules" is not valid for being extremely controlling. The fact that OP lives under their roof is not a bill of sale to run her life or job search. It is one thing if OP is playing video games all day but OP sounds like they are making an honest effort to get back to work. I think The parents need to back off.
No, most parents aren't going to just kick an adult child out for this scenario. If they were shooting up heroin in the kitchen, yes, but not for this.
Also when many couples retire their downsizing includes a move to another area. So your couch scenario doesn't work if the adult child is applying for jobs in NY and the parents sell the house and get a condo iin Tampa.
I also suggested to the OP to sit down with the parents and show them how applying for jobs online is the way it's done. Let them actually see that with a visual. Becasuse it sounds like the parents(especially the father) isn't grasping the concept, he seems to think pounding the pavement is how you get a job and most know that's not true anymore.
You don't mention if you are paying rent, or if the "temporary" living situation has a projected end date?
Do you have a history of dragging your feet/having trouble findng a job, etc.? Has he been supportive of this job change process (school, etc.)?
While your parents are kind to allow you to live there while you line up your next job, it sounds like you are a little older -- 30's? WAAAY to old to be told when your bedtime is, and, unless you have a history of being a total flake, you're also far too old to have your dad managing your job search process. (Even then . . . )
You aren't going to change your father -- he's a Type A-take-charge kinda guy, and if he's retired, he probably has nothing to do but fixate on you. Just ask him, straight up and respectfully: "Dad, I feel like my job search is bothering you. Would you prefer that I move out?" Your mom isn't going to help, because his Type A behavior is normal to her. If he says "no", then remind him, humorously, that you aren't in middle school any longer, and do not need a bedtime or supervision on your job search efforts. If he argues, that's your cue: Time to find someplace else to live.
Of course he's not paying rent, nor paying for food. He already stated he has no money. No, there is no end date for the temporary living situation. There rarely is in scenarios like this, months turn into years.
The bolded part. How on earth does someone move out in this situation? He can't pay rent, or a deposit, no roommate is going to want to take someone on who is not working and in the middle of a career change.
Only possible soltution would be a friend or some other relative who would be willing to let him stay for free and have to feed him.
Father is definitely Type A and control freak, but when it comes down to who you can count on when you're having tought times as an adult, it's usually two people and those people are MOM and DAD, and no one else.
OP never mentions(at least I didn't see it) about being useful and helping around the house without being asked. As in doing the dishes, taking out thet trash, etc. In another words make yourself more of an asset than a liability.
I also suggested to the OP to sit down with the parents and show them how applying for jobs online is the way it's done. Let them actually see that with a visual. Becasuse it sounds like the parents(especially the father) isn't grasping the concept, he seems to think pounding the pavement is how you get a job and most know that's not true anymore.
Even so, he can do his online applying starting at 8:00 am. What he isn't grasping is that his parents don't want him up all night and sleeping the day away. This is a small compromise for living free. Come on be reasonable OP. Get up and show your parents you are trying. Even if you are trying all night long, it just wrecks the daily flow of your parents home and their schedule. This is their house, it doesn't matter how old you are, you are a guest. Leave the house when you need peace of mind, go to the library, a gym, the Y, a park, a coffee shop, a friend's house. If you need to stay up all night go get on welfare and live in public housing and get out of your parents home. But don't sleep half the day away and stay up all night at your parents home, this drives your parents crazy. There is no free lunch and keeping your parents schedule is your rent. This is a reasonable small compromise.
Even so, he can do his online applying starting at 8:00 am. What he isn't grasping is that his parents don't want him up all night and sleeping the day away. This is a small compromise for living free. Come on be reasonable OP. Get up and show your parents you are trying. Even if you are trying all night long, it just wrecks the daily flow of your parents home and their schedule. This is their house, it doesn't matter how old you are, you are a guest. Leave the house when you need peace of mind, go to the library, a gym, the Y, a park, a coffee shop, a friend's house. If you need to stay up all night go get on welfare and live in public housing and get out of your parents home. But don't sleep half the day away and stay up all night at your parents home, this drives your parents crazy. There is no free lunch and keeping your parents schedule is your rent. This is a reasonable small compromise.
I agree, the preception is going to be one of laziness, even if you stay up all night doing job searches. Besides phone calls and emails for possible jobs are going to come in during the day, you need to be awake and jump on that when they do.
And yes, when you're not paying rent or buying food, you do have to go by the rules of the homeowner. Whether it your parents, your brother and SIL, or a friend who took you in.
If an adult child is paying rent, buying their own food, paying half the bills, that's a different story.
As an adult living in your parent's house, you should comply with their rules. It is time for you to move out, obviously you are not taking the hint they are sending you. You need to get any job that you can and continue to search for what appears to be the "perfect" situation for you. It will also look better on a resume if you have been productive.
When you are paying your own way, you'll be able to make the rules, until then, you follow house rules or I'd put your stuff on the front porch and change the locks. Their house, their rules.
First off, I never wrote that I'm up all night. My parents suggested 10pm bed time. I go to bed around 11pm-12am though sometimes stay up later reading and wake up around 7-8am. Occasionally it stretched to 9am and OK, that's a bit late. Although I'm not currently job hunting/studying exactly from 9am-5pm and start in the later morning, remember that I do study in the evening, last night I returned after 10pm. So it all balances out. That said, OK maybe it gives a better impression to start the day earlier when they're up, just for appearances sake.
Anyway, things are getting tense again. Last night I went for a walk after dinner and come back to find a tea cup on the stairs just outside the work space I've been using in my parents' house. I wondered why it was there and dad confronted me with "Do you always leave cups everywhere?" He saw that it had been on a work desk where he brought it to me at tea time and this was his passive aggressive way to suggest that I should have washed and put it away in the kitchen. He doesn't even use the workspace..so what's the big deal? But OK I get it he's structured and likes when things are orderly (he makes an exception for his grand kids though but it's normal to be more tolerant of children vs. adults). Anyway I got over it..but this morning something else happened.
I overheard my mom talking to a family friend (who has a well deserved reputation for being a gossip) and the subject of my job search came up. My mom was clearly frustrated that it was taking longer than she had hoped (I've only been out of school for a month) and she said that although I've been in touch with some companies, nothing concrete has happened (I guess to her that's a written offer) and that I only seem to be getting attention from companies in remote, isolated places with very very low salaries. She's right that one isolated company offered peanuts ($14/hr full time) however they were willing to fly me round trip for the interview and again if I got the job. There's one other company that's also isolated with a high cost of living (COL) but the salary makes it livable. Two others are also interested in me in cities with milder weather, slightly cheaper COL and salaries are OK. And when I say interested, it means they've done first or second round interviews and as far as I know, I'm still being considered. OK none of them are offering $60-80K/yr to start in low COL locations but I can't expect huge pay give that I'm a new graduate and essentially starting over in a new career.
She also told the friend that since their house has only 1 full bathroom and was not really built to accommodate another person on a long term basis that it's not ideal. I could sense the frustration in her voice. Then dad was getting bent out of shape for some other things..bickering about silly things.
The good news is that I did receive another call from a potential employer but the competition is fierce. I applied to the job a month ago, have to relocate and the phone screener said they received hundreds of resumes. She said she'll get in touch within 2 weeks if I'm selected for the next step. I'll have to figure out what I do for transportation since the schedule and lack of public transit means a car is needed. Even though mom and dad have an extra car that I used to go to school and can use to job hunt, they don't want me to take it long term , especially when relocating. Something about insurance and the leasing company that dad doesn't want to deal with. I did offer to take over the lease, insurance, registration costs in addition to the gas I'm currently paying but dad declined.
Anyway I think it's high time to look for another place to live, likely in a house share. Challenge will be paying for living expenses and coming up with references. That's why living at my parents is (in theory) better suited to my current situation. Except for the conflicts which adds stress and takes away from time that could be used productively.
Last edited by sedonaverde; 06-16-2017 at 11:17 AM..
I think I need to spend some time looking for another place to live
yes.
Finding a job can take a long time. When I worked fulltime and was finishing up my masters degree, I started applying about 5 months before my classes finished. Graduating, applying and finding a job immediately is usually only working in certain fields.
this was his passive aggressive way to suggest that I should have washed and put it away in the kitchen. He doesn't even use the workspace..so what's the big deal?
...
their house has only 1 full bathroom and was not really built to accommodate another person on a long term basis that it's not ideal.
...
I asked my dad if I could use a car that I'd been using when I went to school but he doesn't want...he and mom don't need 2 cars
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I think I need to spend some time looking for another place to live
So you are living in your parents house with one bathroom, won't clean up after yourself, and want to take your dad's car too, and that's ALL THEIR FAULT???
You're dang straight you need to go, because if you were my kid, your bags would already be on the lawn and the locks changed.
The issue is that applying to professional jobs takes time. When I was looking, it might take me 2-3 hours to apply to a single job because many sites have their own systems where they are parsing for specific keywords. You need to have the right words in your resume and a cover letter and those systems often have the little text boxes. When you are working, sometimes you just don't have time to devote to that until the weekend, and I know I saw some jobs that looked interesting and by the time the weekend rolled around, they were no longer posted.
I finished graduate school when the economy was in the pits and had a few friends who took jobs just to take jobs. They ended up not ever finding jobs in their fields because employers saw them as having stale skills. It wasn't as easy to look while they were working 40 hours a week and commuting to their job. Most of the people who actually did wait (and obviously we are talking about people who did actually *do* the certification exams and pass) to find something in the field tended to stay in and do better.
All I see here are excuses. I found all my jobs WHILE working full time WHILE completing a Master's Degree. It can be done and it's not a 24/7 job. My master's degree I "techincally" have not used yet as I decided to be a stay at home mom. Years later, sending out resumes now and I have not had a single issue getting interviews in that field. And I have a license I kept up, which was really only paying for a license extension, during that time. Again, each state, each field is different, but when I hear broad generalized statements made, I gotta chime it. There are tons of specialized fields in my area which are highly competitive and it's very rare for new graduates to just land a job the day after they graduate. Some wait years..
I have 0 problem taking a lower postition in my field to "get experience" or whatever you would like to call it, to get to the level I want to be in a few years. Rome wasn't built in a day and sometimes you're not too good for that McJob after all bc of your diploma..
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