How would you deal with critical parents like this? (husband, person, roommate)

[sedonaverde]

After making a mid career change by going back to school, I've spent the past month job hunting and my applications have been getting some positive feedback, mostly with phone screens and a couple of invitations to face to face (F2F) interviews. I had to decline one F2F interview as the hourly salary they were paying was too low and relocation assistance was not provided, while housing, car and food expenses were too high. I'm awaiting a response from another F2F interviewer about the salary range they're offering since it wasn't in the ad and there was no phone interview where I could have asked. While a third F2F interview depends on me passing some certification exams.

Back to the subject of this thread. I've been living in my parents' spare bedroom for the past month in what was supposed to be a temporary situation until I get back on my feet. There's been some tension, namely:

• Whenever I tell my dad about contacts with potential employers, he rudely interrupts and says I write too much, talk too much..have bad time management, etc.. annoying
• I've heard my dad bash me to my mom behind my back
• Dad is insisting I tell him how much a potential employer is offering (salary)- I think it's none of his business and declined to give a number ...then he got mad. It's not like I ask him how much his pension or former job paid
• Dad often rants about various things and when I brought it up to my mom, she defended him and said arguing was normal (oh really?)
• Dad actually checks what I am doing during the daytime when I'm on my PC and asks if I've finished various tasks that he feels are important and if I don't answer with the progress of exact task he "assigned" me to do during my job hunt, he gets mad. Who is he to tell me what to do?
• I feel he's being controlling and then getting bent out of shape when I don't "comply". He's acting like he's the boss and I'm his subordinate.
• Both mom and dad complain about what time I get up and go to bed. It's lights out by 10pm according to them...which is too early by my standards. It gets annoying to be treated as a child.
• My dad keeps freaking out about some optional certification exams...the agency that administers them called to postpone one and frankly I haven't had much time to study. I'm focusing on job hunting primarily and getting my foot in the door. It's causing friction.

I wonder if there's any use to try and get them to see it my way, be more open minded despite the daily dose of negativity, avoid my parents as much as possible during the day or move out despite the fact that I'm unemployed with little income.

[silibran]

Originally Posted by sedonaverde

After making a mid career change by going back to school, I've spent the past month job hunting and my applications have been getting some positive feedback, mostly with phone screens and a couple of invitations to face to face (F2F) interviews. I had to decline one F2F interview as the hourly salary they were paying was too low and relocation assistance was not provided, while housing, car and food expenses were too high. I'm awaiting a response from another F2F interviewer about the salary range they're offering since it wasn't in the ad and there was no phone interview where I could have asked. While a third F2F interview depends on me passing some certification exams.

Back to the subject of this thread. I've been living in my parents' spare bedroom for the past month in what was supposed to be a temporary situation until I get back on my feet. There's been some tension, namely:

• Whenever I tell my dad about contacts with potential employers, he rudely interrupts and says I write too much, talk too much..have bad time management, etc.. annoying
• I've heard my dad bash me to my mom behind my back
• Dad is insisting I tell him how much a potential employer is offering (salary)- I think it's none of his business and declined to give a number ...then he got mad. It's not like I ask him how much his pension or former job paid
• Dad often rants about various things and when I brought it up to my mom, she defended him and said arguing was normal (oh really?)
• Dad actually checks what I am doing during the daytime when I'm on my PC and asks if I've finished various tasks that he feels are important and if I don't answer with the progress of exact task he "assigned" me to do during my job hunt, he gets mad. Who is he to tell me what to do?
• I feel he's being controlling and then getting bent out of shape when I don't "comply". He's acting like he's the boss and I'm his subordinate.
• Both mom and dad complain about what time I get up and go to bed. It's lights out by 10pm according to them...which is too early by my standards. It gets annoying to be treated as a child.
• My dad keeps freaking out about some optional certification exams...the agency that administers them called to postpone one and frankly I haven't had much time to study. I'm focusing on job hunting primarily and getting my foot in the door. It's causing friction.

I wonder if there's any use to try and get them to see it my way, be more open minded despite the daily dose of negativity, avoid my parents as much as possible during the day or move out despite the fact that I'm unemployed with little income.

You could try. I think your dad likes to control things, and he doesn't see you as an adult. Your being home while you are looking for work reinforces his worry about not being in control, and his feeling that you are not a responsible adult. If you can catch him when he is in quiet mood, you can tell him that you are looking conscientiously and that you have leads. Mention that you have trouble when he tries to manage your search. Tell him that you need to do this yourself. Keep your tone serious but light, and don't get into an argment.

If all else fails,I think you just have to mentally distance yourself from him and your mom while you are living there. They do not benefit from knowing your moves and decisions, and they probably do not understand them.

Keep your interactions polite and brief. If you are comfortable talking about other things to your dad, do that. If you are comfortable watching a game with him, do that. If he asks you about your job hunt say you have promising leads. If he presses you, I think you should leave the room. He will get mad, but eventually he will cool off. He doesn't realize how he is acting, and your mom sounds like an enabler.

When you find your job, you can move. Use this difficult situation to continue to motivate you toward becoming independent.

You might have to deal with a difficult boss someday, so any expertise you gain as you handle your dad should help you when you do.

To me it sounds as if you are progressing on your job hunt. I want to wish you good luck.

[sedonaverde]

Hi silibran, thanks for your advice. You're right, my dad likes to be in control, as does my mom. When they don't get their way (they are critical about others besides me too), they get frustrated.

Unfortunately we had another argument while having afternoon tea where my dad and mom both demanded what I did today besides a phone interview with one company and corresponding with another one to get information from them for an interview that I might have in the next 1-2 days. But not in a friendly manner, but in a scolding manner where they claimed that I wasted the whole day yet again. They want me to study for and schedule optional certification exams ASAP because these exams could help me in a couple of jobs I applied to. However I'm finding it difficult to find the motivation to spend the time on those exams when I've applied to a number of jobs and am getting some leads with phone/in person interviews. Job hunting is my #1 priority while I can always do the exams at a later date.

They say get the exams done now, then continue the job search. I can't just stop, I've started job hunting 4-5 weeks ago and am seeing some results. They think it's a lot of wasted time and I disagree. I guess now that we share a roof and they're providing me this shelter, they feel it's OK to criticize me even more - after all their house - their rules?

However that said, thank you for your tips, I think it's a good strategy to disengage when they are being negative and ignore or walk away. That said, how do you do that if you're sitting around the dinner table and the topic of job hunting / exam preparation comes up?

[Ruth4Truth]

They, especially your dad, are overinvolved in your job search. The next time they demand info about your job search activities, just smile, and tell them to relax, and that everything is coming along encouragingly. If they persist, smile and tell them "you guys don't need to worry about that. Everything's fine." Change the subject. Repeat as needed. This is how boundaries are drawn.

Frankly your dad sounds bored (retired? Not enough to do around the house, so he's scrutinizing your every move) and depressed. All that negativity! They don't seem like happy campers. I hope a job pans out for you sooner, rather than later, so you can extricate yourself from this hassle.

[kab0906]

Having watched my husband build a 20+ year career in IT where continual education and certification is a must, I agree that if you have down time when you are not employed that you should be studying and taking tests.


It's a *lot* harder when you have a full time job.

[sedonaverde]

Ruth4Truth, thank you for the tips about how to handle difficult conversations when they start focusing their negative energy onto me.

My parents do indeed spend a lot of time at home and you're right, my dad is retired. Apparently they are having an ongoing conflict with a neighbor that's lasted for years and the negativity rubs off on everyone else. Both he and my mom criticize several people around them including a family friend, each other. Can you believe my dad stands outside and watches my mom as she backs up their new car or turns a sharp corner and then comments how she didn't steer sharply enough or not at the right time even though she didn't hit a curb? He used to have a very demanding job and was in management so he was used to telling people what to do - but now he has a lot less patience and tolerance for adversity. Needless to say, I know I need to separate myself from them and if I can live in another city to create even more distance, I'll do that.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by sedonaverde

Ruth4Truth, thank you for the tips about how to handle difficult conversations when they start focusing their negative energy onto me.

My parents do indeed spend a lot of time at home and you're right, my dad is retired. Apparently they are having an ongoing conflict with a neighbor that's lasted for years and the negativity rubs off on everyone else. Both he and my mom criticize several people around them including a family friend, each other. Can you believe my dad stands outside and watches my mom as she backs up their new car or turns a sharp corner and then comments how she didn't steer sharply enough or not at the right time even though she didn't hit a curb? He used to have a very demanding job and was in management so he was used to telling people what to do - but now he has a lot less patience and tolerance for adversity. Needless to say, I know I need to separate myself from them and if I can live in another city to create even more distance, I'll do that.

I've seen this syndrome in older, retired couples. They become a bit isolated, and in their isolation, they turn negative, and egg each other on in that negativity. Sometimes they even spin yarns about the people around them, as if they imagine themselves surrounded by degenerates or crazies or people out to get them. It's weird, and ultimately, sad.

And your dad sounds like a micro-manager. I can't imagine he had a career doing that; micro-managing, hovering over employees, wrecks staff morale, and leads to frequent turnover. It's a sign of an unskilled manager. In any case, he sounds like he's having a very poor adjustment to retirement.

[silibran]

Originally Posted by sedonaverde

Hi silibran, thanks for your advice. You're right, my dad likes to be in control, as does my mom. When they don't get their way (they are critical about others besides me too), they get frustrated.

Unfortunately we had another argument while having afternoon tea where my dad and mom both demanded what I did today besides a phone interview with one company and corresponding with another one to get information from them for an interview that I might have in the next 1-2 days. But not in a friendly manner, but in a scolding manner where they claimed that I wasted the whole day yet again. They want me to study for and schedule optional certification exams ASAP because these exams could help me in a couple of jobs I applied to. However I'm finding it difficult to find the motivation to spend the time on those exams when I've applied to a number of jobs and am getting some leads with phone/in person interviews. Job hunting is my #1 priority while I can always do the exams at a later date.

They say get the exams done now, then continue the job search. I can't just stop, I've started job hunting 4-5 weeks ago and am seeing some results. They think it's a lot of wasted time and I disagree. I guess now that we share a roof and they're providing me this shelter, they feel it's OK to criticize me even more - after all their house - their rules?

However that said, thank you for your tips, I think it's a good strategy to disengage when they are being negative and ignore or walk away. That said, how do you do that if you're sitting around the dinner table and the topic of job hunting / exam preparation comes up?

Its hard, isn't it? You and your parents have a history, and the history between you colors your reactions.

I don't understand why your parents can't let you be an adult here. But, they can't.

I think I'd try to change the subject. But if that doesn't work, I'd advise cutting the meal short and leaving. By engaging you are feeding their need to engage in conflict. I think that this is what it is--a learned pattern of dealing with you that involves control and possibly conflict.

But when you respond to them in the way you probably do--defensively and angrily, I imagine--that is giving them the response they expect and probably want. I don't understand why this would be, but I recognize it from dealings with my own mother so many years before.

Is there a friend you can bunk with from time to time to get away for awhile?

[hellob]

Maybe your dad just doesn't realize how much job hunting has shifted to online. He might think you're dicking around on the computer all day.

[Kayekaye]

When you are living in someone's else's home, it's lights out at ten if they say so. It's their home. You are an adult, you should be on your own, it's their home their rules. If you don't like it get out get on welfare and find ten roommates. Otherwise it's lights out at ten and do the dang chores he wants you to do. Quit staying up late, get up early and do a good solid 8 hours of non stop job hunting until you find one. Unemployment and job hunting is a full time job, not a when you feel like it, job. And, find a lesser job in the meanwhile, work at Walmart or something until you find a job. It's not good to sit around in your parents home nitpicking their advice and demands. Again it's their home, comply or leave.