How would you deal with critical parents like this? (spouse, dynamics, retired)

[Nov3]

I think you and your Dad are quite similar. After all, when a person says "who do they think they are?" - Such a statement usually has the air of control. Surely you do know who your father is, and as such he does carry some value in his opinions. Can you perhaps broach this topic with a balance of "Hey Dad, I realize you are years ahead of me in the work world, May I take a few notes from you and then I can decide which path to attend to ?


I'm sure its difficult for you to see it, yet as a bystander I think your parents are a good source of wisdom and they DO have some knowledge of how the corporate world is run. Rest is important so I can see how if you are unemployed then some sleep at a decent time frame is not alot to ask.

Compromise and decide which hill you wish to die on...because that is what its coming down to.

The entire interview phases are soo stressing....so I do understand how it can heighten your nerves when hearing negativity from a relative. Ask them to limit the criticism as its counter productive to your mindset of achievements

[ClaraC]

Originally Posted by Kayekaye

When you are living in someone's else's home, it's lights out at ten if they say so. It's their home. You are an adult, you should be on your own, it's their home their rules. If you don't like it get out get on welfare and find ten roommates. Otherwise it's lights out at ten and do the dang chores he wants you to do. Quit staying up late, get up early and do a good solid 8 hours of non stop job hunting until you find one. Unemployment and job hunting is a full time job, not a when you feel like it, job. And, find a lesser job in the meanwhile, work at Walmart or something until you find a job. It's not good to sit around in your parents home nitpicking their advice and demands. Again it's their home, comply or leave.

Don't do that, OP. Anyone who's a professional and is out of work for a month or so who resorts to taking a job at Walmart looks desperate. You could take a job that's maybe somewhat in your field - or is a temp job that is in your field - while you wait for the dream one to open up, because when you're currently employed you have a much better shot at a new fabulous job than if you're unemployed.

But don't go work at Walmart, unless it's in finance or management or something related to your field.

[tangelag]

Originally Posted by hellob

Maybe your dad just doesn't realize how much job hunting has shifted to online. He might think you're dicking around on the computer all day.

Interesting. This was the very subject of a news program the other day - the differences in job hunting between various generations.

[eastcoastguyz]

Originally Posted by ClaraC

Don't do that, OP. Anyone who's a professional and is out of work for a month or so who resorts to taking a job at Walmart looks desperate. You could take a job that's maybe somewhat in your field - or is a temp job that is in your field - while you wait for the dream one to open up, because when you're currently employed you have a much better shot at a new fabulous job than if you're unemployed.

But don't go work at Walmart, unless it's in finance or management or something related to your field.

I agree. People who don't work in professional fields don't understand how damaging it can be to say you are working as a stock boy or whatever at Walmart to a prospective employer that's considering hiring you for an IT position, accounting, marketing, etc.

[eastcoastguyz]

Originally Posted by sedonaverde

After making a mid career change by going back to school, I've spent the past month job hunting and my applications have been getting some positive feedback, mostly with phone screens and a couple of invitations to face to face (F2F) interviews. I had to decline one F2F interview as the hourly salary they were paying was too low and relocation assistance was not provided, while housing, car and food expenses were too high. I'm awaiting a response from another F2F interviewer about the salary range they're offering since it wasn't in the ad and there was no phone interview where I could have asked. While a third F2F interview depends on me passing some certification exams.

Back to the subject of this thread. I've been living in my parents' spare bedroom for the past month in what was supposed to be a temporary situation until I get back on my feet. There's been some tension, namely:

• Whenever I tell my dad about contacts with potential employers, he rudely interrupts and says I write too much, talk too much..have bad time management, etc.. annoying
• I've heard my dad bash me to my mom behind my back
• Dad is insisting I tell him how much a potential employer is offering (salary)- I think it's none of his business and declined to give a number ...then he got mad. It's not like I ask him how much his pension or former job paid
• Dad often rants about various things and when I brought it up to my mom, she defended him and said arguing was normal (oh really?)
• Dad actually checks what I am doing during the daytime when I'm on my PC and asks if I've finished various tasks that he feels are important and if I don't answer with the progress of exact task he "assigned" me to do during my job hunt, he gets mad. Who is he to tell me what to do?
• I feel he's being controlling and then getting bent out of shape when I don't "comply". He's acting like he's the boss and I'm his subordinate.
• Both mom and dad complain about what time I get up and go to bed. It's lights out by 10pm according to them...which is too early by my standards. It gets annoying to be treated as a child.
• My dad keeps freaking out about some optional certification exams...the agency that administers them called to postpone one and frankly I haven't had much time to study. I'm focusing on job hunting primarily and getting my foot in the door. It's causing friction.

I wonder if there's any use to try and get them to see it my way, be more open minded despite the daily dose of negativity, avoid my parents as much as possible during the day or move out despite the fact that I'm unemployed with little income.

What you have to do, is find another place to live. Move in with a friend, rent a room someplace, whatever, just get out of there. Because anyone who has to put up with what you described is never going to be in a good state of mind to advance their career.

The other thing, even if you aren't living there, don't share what should be private information with them such as the jobs you are applying for, their salaries or what your current salary is. You are an adult, and it is none of their business to know this information. Just answer when asked, "That's private information. I don't feel comfortable sharing it". And leave it at that. If asked "What's the salary?". "I'm happy with it and that's personal information". It will help set the tone in your relationship that they don't get to meddle in your personal affairs and feel they have a right to criticize what you are doing or not doing.

Because you if you continue to answer their questions to justify your actions to get their approval, you are never going to win at this. And frankly, it doesn't matter what they think. It is what you think that matters.

[eastcoastguyz]

Originally Posted by Kayekaye

When you are living in someone's else's home, it's lights out at ten if they say so. It's their home. You are an adult, you should be on your own, it's their home their rules. If you don't like it get out get on welfare and find ten roommates. Otherwise it's lights out at ten and do the dang chores he wants you to do. Quit staying up late, get up early and do a good solid 8 hours of non stop job hunting until you find one. Unemployment and job hunting is a full time job, not a when you feel like it, job. And, find a lesser job in the meanwhile, work at Walmart or something until you find a job. It's not good to sit around in your parents home nitpicking their advice and demands. Again it's their home, comply or leave.

Nonsense. Someone sitting in a bedroom room with the door closed on the computer has zero impact on anyone else in the house. They are just control freaks and trying to control the OP. It is so obvious, with checking up on the OP to see what is being done on the computer.

Congratulations, this has to be about the worst piece of advice I've seen all week. A complete blue-collar mentality where the OP should go work at Walmart instead of spend the time getting a professional job.

[NewYorker11356]

Originally Posted by eastcoastguyz

Nonsense. Someone sitting in a bedroom room with the door closed on the computer has zero impact on anyone else in the house. They are just control freaks and trying to control the OP. It is so obvious, with checking up on the OP to see what is being done on the computer.

Congratulations, this has to be about the worst piece of advice I've seen all week. A complete blue-collar mentality where the OP should go work at Walmart instead of spend the time getting a professional job.

Exactly, and agreed.

Just because he lives at home, doesn't mean their parents (or in this case, his Dad) have a right to over manage his life.

[Shira_k]

Sometimes parents and adult children fail to adjust their relationship from parent - child to adult - adult. Your parents are probably treating you the same as they always had, only now you're older, they're older, and you've had X number of years away from them so things have changed.

There is the added facts that you *are* at their *mercy* I a way as you are asking for a roof over your head for the next umpteen months. It's great that your parents are able to do this for you but don't forget that they don't *have to*- and don't forget that you are now disrupting their lives. I know you're family and all, but you don't sound grateful.

And the second fact that job search is totally different to what it was even ten years ago, let alone twenty or forty years ago when your parents were job searching.

My advice to you is to treat this job search /certification prep period as a full-time job. This us what I did when I was unemployed. That means getting up in the morning, eying dressed and going to the library to work on your job applications, company research etc. Take time to study for your certifications - whether you really need it or not, it's 100 times easier to study when you don't have a full time job.

And you know what? Your parents may be old and controlling, but try listening to them. You don't have to follow their advice but you can be polite and respectful.

[reneeh63]

Originally Posted by sedonaverde

Hi silibran, thanks for your advice. You're right, my dad likes to be in control, as does my mom. When they don't get their way (they are critical about others besides me too), they get frustrated.

Unfortunately we had another argument while having afternoon tea where my dad and mom both demanded what I did today besides a phone interview with one company and corresponding with another one to get information from them for an interview that I might have in the next 1-2 days. But not in a friendly manner, but in a scolding manner where they claimed that I wasted the whole day yet again. They want me to study for and schedule optional certification exams ASAP because these exams could help me in a couple of jobs I applied to. However I'm finding it difficult to find the motivation to spend the time on those exams when I've applied to a number of jobs and am getting some leads with phone/in person interviews. Job hunting is my #1 priority while I can always do the exams at a later date.

They say get the exams done now, then continue the job search. I can't just stop, I've started job hunting 4-5 weeks ago and am seeing some results. They think it's a lot of wasted time and I disagree. I guess now that we share a roof and they're providing me this shelter, they feel it's OK to criticize me even more - after all their house - their rules?

However that said, thank you for your tips, I think it's a good strategy to disengage when they are being negative and ignore or walk away. That said, how do you do that if you're sitting around the dinner table and the topic of job hunting / exam preparation comes up?

Yes - it's hard to study if you're holding out for a job that doesn't require certification. But the fact is that you did have time to study...and will that time REALLY be wasted even if you get a job? Won't the knowledge still be helpful? You are "taking it easy". You won't always have interviews each day and that allows plenty of time to either study, or do stuff around the house to help you parents which will keep them off your back. Consider it - you DO want to get out from under their thumb, yes?

Are you paying them rent? No? Then you are still in child mode...and they see NO difference from before.

[Meemur]

OP, it's tough!

My suggestion is to get realistic about your job chances in your career. You need to be honest about why you haven't been hired: no jobs in your area? Your experience doesn't match what employers want? Other problems? If you don't know for sure, meet with some people in your field (in person is best but online could work) and have them go over your resume.

Formulate a solid plan. If you need the certifications, get them. If it's going to take awhile, consider something at least part time and start paying your way and saving a bit so you can get out of there.

This way, you'll have an end game and this awful situation won't go on for months.

Longer term, you'll need to address some of the larger issues in your relationship, or you will end up like some of the poor souls on the caregiver forum who are dealing with monster parents. Like raising children, it's good to start early with some rules and limitations, and that works both ways, but since you are a guest in their house right now, your best bet is to toe the line as well as you can while keeping your privacy.

The last time I lived at home, I made it a point to be out of the house by 9 am. I got coffee and/or went to the library, but the main idea was that I was dressed and not underfoot.