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No matter how unreasonable their nagging is, you are in their home so you abide by their requirements. I am surprised that others think you can do what you want and still expect to live at home. Unless you are contributing to the rent and expenses you are not "owed" anything.
I would suggest setting a schedule close to a job schedule and leave the house to do your job hunting. Take your laptop to a library or Starbucks and spend time there. That way your parents can't scrutinize how you spend your time. If you are staying up late and sleeping in late I can sort of understand their irritation. With older generations a good work ethic is tied to getting up early but sleeping in is tied to laziness.
Sometimes parents and adult children fail to adjust their relationship from parent - child to adult - adult. Your parents are probably treating you the same as they always had, only now you're older, they're older, and you've had X number of years away from them so things have changed.
There is the added facts that you *are* at their *mercy* I a way as you are asking for a roof over your head for the next umpteen months. It's great that your parents are able to do this for you but don't forget that they don't *have to*- and don't forget that you are now disrupting their lives. I know you're family and all, but you don't sound grateful.
And the second fact that job search is totally different to what it was even ten years ago, let alone twenty or forty years ago when your parents were job searching.
My advice to you is to treat this job search /certification prep period as a full-time job. This us what I did when I was unemployed. That means getting up in the morning, eying dressed and going to the library to work on your job applications, company research etc. Take time to study for your certifications - whether you really need it or not, it's 100 times easier to study when you don't have a full time job.
And you know what? Your parents may be old and controlling, but try listening to them. You don't have to follow their advice but you can be polite and respectful.
Did you put some money away for a rainy day?
did you net realize the dynamics you would have faced going home?
you do need a stern talk with both your parents. sit them down and explain why you moved back, remind them that you are an adult, and remind them you and only you have to handle your own affairs. Remind them that if they have nothing nice to say, they should keep it to themselves. remind them that what they are doing is bringing confusion, stress, and frustration to an already tough task you are doing. remind them you do not need a manager, nor did you ask for one. Stand up for your self!
if you marry or have children, you do realize, they will be making themselves involved in that also, making comments, bossing you around, things that would drive a potential spouse away, wrecking your marriage. stop it now, and avoid the headaches later.
If push comes to shove, let them know you came to them for support as a family, not support as a life coach. their job, as mommy and daddy, was over a long time ago, and your obligation as a child has ended a long time ago as well. If it is too hard for you to do what you see fit, while living with them, I would find a way to get out ASAP!
After making a mid career change by going back to school, I've spent the past month job hunting and my applications have been getting some positive feedback, mostly with phone screens and a couple of invitations to face to face (F2F) interviews. I had to decline one F2F interview as the hourly salary they were paying was too low and relocation assistance was not provided, while housing, car and food expenses were too high. I'm awaiting a response from another F2F interviewer about the salary range they're offering since it wasn't in the ad and there was no phone interview where I could have asked. While a third F2F interview depends on me passing some certification exams.
Back to the subject of this thread. I've been living in my parents' spare bedroom for the past month in what was supposed to be a temporary situation until I get back on my feet. There's been some tension, namely:
Whenever I tell my dad about contacts with potential employers, he rudely interrupts and says I write too much, talk too much..have bad time management, etc.. annoying
I've heard my dad bash me to my mom behind my back
Dad is insisting I tell him how much a potential employer is offering (salary)- I think it's none of his business and declined to give a number ...then he got mad. It's not like I ask him how much his pension or former job paid
Dad often rants about various things and when I brought it up to my mom, she defended him and said arguing was normal (oh really?)
Dad actually checks what I am doing during the daytime when I'm on my PC and asks if I've finished various tasks that he feels are important and if I don't answer with the progress of exact task he "assigned" me to do during my job hunt, he gets mad. Who is he to tell me what to do?
I feel he's being controlling and then getting bent out of shape when I don't "comply". He's acting like he's the boss and I'm his subordinate.
Both mom and dad complain about what time I get up and go to bed. It's lights out by 10pm according to them...which is too early by my standards. It gets annoying to be treated as a child.
My dad keeps freaking out about some optional certification exams...the agency that administers them called to postpone one and frankly I haven't had much time to study. I'm focusing on job hunting primarily and getting my foot in the door. It's causing friction.
I wonder if there's any use to try and get them to see it my way, be more open minded despite the daily dose of negativity, avoid my parents as much as possible during the day or move out despite the fact that I'm unemployed with little income.
I'm a little confused. You first state that you went back to school to facilitate a career move. Did you finish your schooling? If so, did that come with certifications?
That leads to the next section where you indicate one of the potential employers wants you to pass some certification exams. And yet, you are complaining that your parents are pushing you to get some "optional certfications" (what the heck is an optional certification?).
On the surface, what you describe does not make you look good. It sounds like you are spending most of your time on your computer, some of which may be used in job hunting, but it doesn't sound as though you are dedicated. If you were, you would have jumped at the chance for additional education and resume padding at a time in which time and expenses were of very little concern.
Did your parents have an issue with the amount of time you spent on your computer when you lived there previously?
You make them sound controlling. What I sense is parents that are concerned their child is not going to succeed at the level they believe he is capable and are trying to figure out ways to point you in the right direction.
After making a mid career change by going back to school, I've spent the past month job hunting and my applications have been getting some positive feedback, mostly with phone screens and a couple of invitations to face to face (F2F) interviews. I had to decline one F2F interview as the hourly salary they were paying was too low and relocation assistance was not provided, while housing, car and food expenses were too high. I'm awaiting a response from another F2F interviewer about the salary range they're offering since it wasn't in the ad and there was no phone interview where I could have asked. While a third F2F interview depends on me passing some certification exams.
Back to the subject of this thread. I've been living in my parents' spare bedroom for the past month in what was supposed to be a temporary situation until I get back on my feet. There's been some tension, namely:
Whenever I tell my dad about contacts with potential employers, he rudely interrupts and says I write too much, talk too much..have bad time management, etc.. annoying
I've heard my dad bash me to my mom behind my back
Dad is insisting I tell him how much a potential employer is offering (salary)- I think it's none of his business and declined to give a number ...then he got mad. It's not like I ask him how much his pension or former job paid
Dad often rants about various things and when I brought it up to my mom, she defended him and said arguing was normal (oh really?)
Dad actually checks what I am doing during the daytime when I'm on my PC and asks if I've finished various tasks that he feels are important and if I don't answer with the progress of exact task he "assigned" me to do during my job hunt, he gets mad. Who is he to tell me what to do?
I feel he's being controlling and then getting bent out of shape when I don't "comply". He's acting like he's the boss and I'm his subordinate.
Both mom and dad complain about what time I get up and go to bed. It's lights out by 10pm according to them...which is too early by my standards. It gets annoying to be treated as a child.
My dad keeps freaking out about some optional certification exams...the agency that administers them called to postpone one and frankly I haven't had much time to study. I'm focusing on job hunting primarily and getting my foot in the door. It's causing friction.
I wonder if there's any use to try and get them to see it my way, be more open minded despite the daily dose of negativity, avoid my parents as much as possible during the day or move out despite the fact that I'm unemployed with little income.
Honestly, it will be a lot easier for you to move out of the spare bedroom into a place of your own than it will be to change your parents. If you're gonna live in their house, then you'll have to deal with them on their own terms. If their criticisms and intrusions bother you, then you will have to put up with them or get out. After all, your very presence is an unanticipated intrusion into their lives and privacy.
I wish people who decide to go through mid-career changes and extended job-hunting processes would plan ahead by saving enough money to cover several months of living expenses, so that they can handle their life changes without inconveniencing others. That is what being independent is all about. If you are dependent on them, then you really have no choice.
Sometimes parents and adult children fail to adjust their relationship from parent - child to adult - adult. Your parents are probably treating you the same as they always had, only now you're older, they're older, and you've had X number of years away from them so things have changed.
There is the added facts that you *are* at their *mercy* I a way as you are asking for a roof over your head for the next umpteen months. It's great that your parents are able to do this for you but don't forget that they don't *have to*- and don't forget that you are now disrupting their lives. I know you're family and all, but you don't sound grateful.
And the second fact that job search is totally different to what it was even ten years ago, let alone twenty or forty years ago when your parents were job searching.
My advice to you is to treat this job search /certification prep period as a full-time job. This us what I did when I was unemployed. That means getting up in the morning, eying dressed and going to the library to work on your job applications, company research etc. Take time to study for your certifications - whether you really need it or not, it's 100 times easier to study when you don't have a full time job.
And you know what? Your parents may be old and controlling, but try listening to them. You don't have to follow their advice but you can be polite and respectful.
Great advice.
Only thing I would add is maybe sit down on the computer with the parents and show them how people now look for jobs and apply online, not "pounding the pavement".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
They, especially your dad, are overinvolved in your job search. The next time they demand info about your job search activities, just smile, and tell them to relax, and that everything is coming along encouragingly. If they persist, smile and tell them "you guys don't need to worry about that. Everything's fine." Change the subject. Repeat as needed. This is how boundaries are drawn.
Frankly your dad sounds bored (retired? Not enough to do around the house, so he's scrutinizing your every move) and depressed. All that negativity! They don't seem like happy campers. I hope a job pans out for you sooner, rather than later, so you can extricate yourself from this hassle.
Really bad advice.
When you're living in someone else's home you don't patronize them with a statement like that.
The parents are retired, ever think maybe they want to sell the house and downsize? But can't now because they have an adutl child who is unemployed back at home in their old room.
If an old friend showed up and asked to stay with you while they look for work and they say it will be for a month, after 3 months you ask them how is the job search going and they have been with you for 2 months over what they said and you got "relax, everything is coming along fine".....how would you react?
OP, follow Shira's advice. But I would also show your parents how you are applying for jobs online, and that doesn't require going door to door at 8am.
Also as others suggested go to the library for a couple of hours and do your job searchf from there.
No matter how unreasonable their nagging is, you are in their home so you abide by their requirements. I am surprised that others think you can do what you want and still expect to live at home. Unless you are contributing to the rent and expenses you are not "owed" anything.
I would suggest setting a schedule close to a job schedule and leave the house to do your job hunting. Take your laptop to a library or Starbucks and spend time there. That way your parents can't scrutinize how you spend your time. If you are staying up late and sleeping in late I can sort of understand their irritation. With older generations a good work ethic is tied to getting up early but sleeping in is tied to laziness.
Only thing I would add is maybe sit down on the computer with the parents and show them how people now look for jobs and apply online, not "pounding the pavement".
Really bad advice.
When you're living in someone else's home you don't patronize them with a statement like that.
The parents are retired, ever think maybe they want to sell the house and downsize? But can't now because they have an adutl child who is unemployed back at home in their old room.
If an old friend showed up and asked to stay with you while they look for work and they say it will be for a month, after 3 months you ask them how is the job search going and they have been with you for 2 months over what they said and you got "relax, everything is coming along fine".....how would you react?
OP, follow Shira's advice. But I would also show your parents how you are applying for jobs online, and that doesn't require going door to door at 8am.
Also as others suggested go to the library for a couple of hours and do your job searchf from there.
They're hounding the OP every day, though. They're over-involved. He's already answered their questions, they already know that progress is being made. They want him to stop the progress, and study for certifications instead. And I doubt they suddenly decided to sell the house just before, or as the OP moved back in temporarily.
The fact that the OP is living at home while conducting his job search doesn't give the parents the right to micro-manage his search and tear it apart. And the problem is, when he gives brief answers ("I sent out another batch of applications today" or "I've got a couple of interviews next week"), instead of being supportive, as one would expect parents to be, they pick apart his strategy, criticize what he's doing, and tell him to study instead of apply for jobs. At some point, the OP needs to draw a line.
I'd love to hear the parents side of the story. Some people are assuming the OP is a victim of bad parenting but don't know the entire story. I'm sure it's not easy for them either. Having their adult son back in the house might not be what they had planned for their golden years. Best option might be to find another room to rent then you don't have to live by anyone's rules other than your own.
I'd love to hear the parents side of the story. Some people are assuming the OP is a victim of bad parenting but don't know the entire story. I'm sure it's not easy for them either. Having their adult son back in the house might not be what they had planned for their golden years. Best option might be to find another room to rent then you don't have to live by anyone's rules other than your own.
He's only been there a month, and is actively involved in a job search. It's not like he's been there a year or two, and is just slobbing around & playing video games all day. I find it dismaying that people feel that an adult child in the middle of a career change living at home for a couple of months to look for a job is somehow beyond the pale, and a grave imposition. "Family" doesn't seem to be worth much in American culture.
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