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Family gatherings were a lot of fun when I was a little kid. Santa or the Easter Bunny had paid a visit and I reckon kids do not notice the dysfunction that is probably already there.
It was around college when they began to become unpleasant. Maybe people were older and drinking more. Stress was growing and growing. It came to a head when and aunt and uncle were very nasty to both my wife and I.
I finally pulled the plug 10 years ago and have not missed it for a second.
I'm a firm believer in NOT spending time with anyone, family etc., who I find unpleasant. My free time is too precious to me. I also find spending a holiday, alone, doing anything I want, or absolutely nothing is the most enjoyable way to get through them.
Op don't feel bad!!
I'm with you on this.
I never feel pressured to attend any holiday gathering of any kind unless I truly feel moved to do so (even the work events). Then it really is a pleasure to be there because it's MY choice to be there.
There was a time of transition of several years when I felt pressure to be somewhere at the holidays (anywhere!) just because that's what you're supposed to do, and it would just be too weird not to, and what would people say if I just "dropped out" at the holidays?
I don't know what anyone said, but it made me very happy to do my own thing!
I will go see both sets of grandparents and some aunts/uncles. The rest of them, if they're there, I don't mind to talk for a bit, but I'm not going to seek them out.
I will add that the family lives close by so it is not like the holidays are the only time I am going to see them. It does make the "boycott" a bit more palatable.
Holidays are supposed to be FUN. I wanna have FUN. I don't want to stress. So the wife, kid, and maybe my mother and bro in law is fine.
Thanksgiving has 3 football games.
Christmas is loaded with Andy Williams, Charlie Brown, and plenty of beer. Lotsa good vibes.
Wow I'm pleasantly surprised by the responses that of course one shouldn't spend the holidays with family
Members who are dysfunctional. In my foo there was some unwritten law that relatives must come holiday time gather for an agonizing prolonged six hour period of forced conversation, thinly veiled jabs and hostility and passive aggressive remarks. I needed a couple days to feel more ok after. One relative lol didn't even make an attempt to appear interested in conversing with others once she arrived for the dinner-- while others passed the time shooting the breeze or other forced fake convos, she took out her knitting ( she wasn't an old lady she was in her forties) and sat there knitting, without bothering to engage at all. Why even bother coming? It was such an obvious "I don't want to be here, I will knit over here in this chair until it's time to eat and then go home"
But my foo was more on the extreme end of dysfunctional. My dad and aunt couldn't stand each other--there was either stony silence or fake smiles mixed with verbal jabs. My mom always hid away in the kitchen more than was necessary for meal prep to avoid it. I hated every minute of all those years of forced foo / relative holiday torture sessions and never understood the point of the necessity of getting together with relatives for forced convos, snide jabs and sometimes outright hostility/ accusations verbal altercations when the whole rest of the year there was no interest whatsoever in the others lives.
When I was a teen I let my dad know I didn't want to go with them to my aunts for Easter, told him I just didn't feel well going over there and at 16 hoped he would respect my feelings on it and allow me to stay back at home. Nope- apparently it was absolutely life or death necessity for me to go and sit there on the couch for half a day til finally the dessert dishes were cleared away-- then at least it signaled we would be starting to get our jackets on and say thank you'd and goodbye til next time. The whole ride home I felt this huge relief it was finally over and never ever understood the need for doing all that as clearly nobody seemed to take much or any enjoyment in it.
Oh and to boot, every Christmas at my aunts my sister would get super offended and start talking to me about what a witch out aunt was-- there was a gift exchange time at the end of torture Christmas Day at aunts. The gift time was like I guess to drive home the point of what a sh**** time it was. Because aunt would for our cousin Cathy make a point of giving her gifts such as a necklace with a heart and matching bracelet, or a ticket to Disneyland, or another time a light purple and blue Schwinn bicycle. Otoh the gifts she gave us was a little plastic Santa doll that was from a dollar or thrift store for a 12 yr old girl? Or a bag of socks for my brother. Me and my brother noticed of course the very big difference in the type of gifts-- bag of socks-- Schwann bicycle... but we kind of rolled with it- my sister however got all worked up and upset and sitting next to me on the couch with our aunt standing a few feet away , my sister would elbow me and saying in a low voice to me about what a f*** b**** our aunt was, she would then after go on and on to our mom about how the aunt did that and our mom just dismissed it as we should be grateful for the gifts.
When our aunt died back in the early '90s at the service my sister was next to me in a pew and she leaned over and whispered to me how much she hated her and how those little plastic Santa dolls she got us from a dollar store were so mean etc.
I am a firm believer in not forcing family holiday times with toxic relatives just because it's some kind of duty.
Not sure why anyone would expect the same gifts given to nieces and nephews that were given to her own children. That isn't realistic. The big gifts come from ones own parents. For years I would maybe get 5 dollars in a envelope from an aunt or whatever until some smart person put a stop to it when the family kept growing. I don't think you had a reason to expect anything from her. How many bicycles should she be on the hook for? For everyone elses kids?
My sister used to complain about the 10 dollars my grandmother would give us at Christmas and Birthdays. saying she should give more because she was so rich. Turns out that wasn't true and we found it out when she died at 102. She needed her money.
Everyone in my extended family had to suffer through Thanksgiving at my parents. My late father used to do most of the cooking and it was VERY important to eat as early as possible. Sometimes dinner would be served before noon. It was not to be enjoyed. It was more of a job to suffer through, walking on eggshells, hoping none of the grand kids acted up or, God forbid, spilled anything. I learned to hate those dinners. Never enjoyed them. After he passed my mother made sure we had a traditional dinner but to be honest the memories of how they used to be has had a lasting affect on how I see them. I still don't like the dinners and to be honest hate sit down, formal dinners anyway. I am getting anxiety just thinking about them. LOL.
Dinner before noon? That's insane! I can't imagine how early your poor mom got up to bake that stupid bird. I can see why you'd be jaded against family dinners.....this sounds like a nightmare!
I found the same as you-- age doesn't magically transform toxic people. In more recent years, I recall at one foo Christmas after my dad past away, my sister told my brother (sister had 4 kids, brother was never able to have any)--- my sister thought it was a okay comment to make to my brother that "it's a good thing God blessed us with so many kids to make up for you not having any"-- what a s*** thing to say... at another restaurant dinner my brother told my dd that her aunt( our sister) must ride around on a broom when nobody's looking.
My sister and her dh don't believe in ever disciplining or verbally correcting their kids. Ever. For anything. Sucks for other people around them -- at one dinner sisters pre adolescent son was being obnoxious at the dinner table, neither parent corrected him or ordered him to knock it off-- he was going with it, figuring he could be a spoiled jerk and nobody would say anything- finally my brother snapped and told him to knock it off. 😳 My sister cleared her throat and pretended not to notice, the dad who is totally useless when it comes to parenting, just sat there eating as if nothing happened.
Nowadays me and my daughter just do our own little thing for the holidays-- apparently our parents raising us year after year in those highly toxic unhealthy holiday gatherings didn't teach how to interact or treat others. I like just now having a healthy holiday - no duty to be tormented by sick relatives or endure verbal abuse.. take out Chinese and twilight zone marathon, or a good movie, and some favorite dessserts is way better.
If everyone were candid about their families & the holidays, you might be surprised how common this dilemma is. Plus, if you don't spend holidays with extended family (esp. if you're single), then the next dilemma is - where DO you spend the holidays instead? That can be a tough one to figure out year after year.
I'm married and don't live near family. Due to our jobs we can't travel before or after Thanksgiving. Some years we're lucky and can take a vacation for part of the week and we rent a cabin in the mountains. I end up working most of the time we're there and I come back and forth for work so it's not a real vacation. Some years my husband has to work while we're up there. The years we're home, we're home. We drive the hour to a Cracker Barrel and have dinner and dessert.
Thanksgiving isn't a huge deal to either one of us. It was great when we were younger and had the elder family members still. Having a big dinner in the country at my husband's aunt's house was always wonderful. She's now elderly and doesn't live there anymore. No one kept the tradition going as families are spread all over the country. Seems like a lot of families don't have these traditions anymore as the elders have passed away or are no longer living at home and people are moving away more often now due to jobs.
Christmas is another odd one....we're home for that. We both work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas....lucky us! LOL We're debating the casino. A new casino and resort was built in the area and opened earlier this year. They have a fantastic buffet so we're waiting to see what they do for Christmas. I'm hoping it's open! If it is, that's my plan! I'm not really into Christmas like I once was. I'm pretty meh about it.
I found the same as you-- age doesn't magically transform toxic people. In more recent years, I recall at one foo Christmas after my dad past away, my sister told my brother (sister had 4 kids, brother was never able to have any)--- my sister thought it was a okay comment to make to my brother that "it's a good thing God blessed us with so many kids to make up for you not having any"-- what a s*** thing to say... at another restaurant dinner my brother told my dd that her aunt( our sister) must ride around on a broom when nobody's looking.
My sister and her dh don't believe in ever disciplining or verbally correcting their kids. Ever. For anything. Sucks for other people around them -- at one dinner sisters pre adolescent son was being obnoxious at the dinner table, neither parent corrected him or ordered him to knock it off-- he was going with it, figuring he could be a spoiled jerk and nobody would say anything- finally my brother snapped and told him to knock it off. 😳 My sister cleared her throat and pretended not to notice, the dad who is totally useless when it comes to parenting, just sat there eating as if nothing happened.
Nowadays me and my daughter just do our own little thing for the holidays-- apparently our parents raising us year after year in those highly toxic unhealthy holiday gatherings didn't teach how to interact or treat others. I like just now having a healthy holiday - no duty to be tormented by sick relatives or endure verbal abuse.. take out Chinese and twilight zone marathon, or a good movie, and some favorite dessserts is way better.
I thought I was the only one that didn't know. But yeah, what is it???
Foo Fighter kept popping into my head, but I'm pretty sure that's not it.
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