Why is it so hard to find people we share "personal chemistry" with?

[RosemaryT]

Chemistry is way, way overrated. Way overrated.

I had a *lot* of first dates, and I speak from experience on this one.

Rose

[kibblesandbits]

Originally Posted by orangeapple

I have this issue to a degree...people don't like quiet people. They write them off as boring. I suppose it feels like they have to make too much effort with someone quiet...which is funny, because I find outgoing people really just want to talk all the time about themselves, so you think they'd like listeners. Instead, they seem to want to compete for attention. I understand the back & forth dynamic, but they won't allow the time for a quiet person to respond, who actually may think before they speak .

I'm very shy & quiet, and when I've made efforts to make new friends, I've found people to be closed off because they already have their own circle. Being sensitive, every setback makes me less likely to pursue another person as a friend. When I was younger, it was a bit easier because kids are not as put off by intensity as adults...I could be whimsical and it was okay. Then people get to an age where they've learned too many social expectations & get stuck in bland small-talk mode, which of course, I am terrible at.

I've gone through the "what is wrong with me" analysis too much...it just wears at your self-esteem and makes you more withdrawn. I've just accepted I am a one-on-one kind of person and people will either get me or they won't. The best I can do is try to project a friendly exterior, so I don't get misinterpreted as snobby (a common reaction to shy people).

This is an excellent point--and one I've found to be very true. I am also quiet, though not shy. I am able to go up to different people and make conversation, and have no problem approaching people at parties, networking events, etc. I am a great conversationalist, and am able to have good conversations with a bunch of different people, only I do better in one-on-one situations or small groups. When I'm in a big group, I totally clam up and find it very hard to say anything. I think people find this a big turn-off. Most people seem to be extroverts, who are able to talk and laugh easily in a big group--I definitely cannot. I consider myself quiet because I'm an introvert, because I have a very difficult time in groups, and because I'm more of a serious type than a boisterous, life of the party type.

Also, I've noticed that I tend to have a different communication style than most people. I tend to communicate, at least at first when I don't know someone, by asking them a lot of questions (not intrusive ones--small talk ones) to get to know them. I find that most people do not do this at all, and I think it makes me stand out in a bad way. When I'm talking to new people, I find they hardly if ever ask me any questions, which makes me feel like they have no interest in me. For instance, when meeting a new person I might say, "how was your weekend?" and "how did you like that movie?" etc. when other people tend not to ask questions like these, instead making comments to further the conversation.

Anyhow, being a quiet person, I often feel invisible and overlooked in social situations. I wish this wasn't the case, but I've found it very difficult to make friends as a married gal in the last few years.

[carp killer]

Originally Posted by kibblesandbits

This is an excellent point--and one I've found to be very true. I am also quiet, though not shy. I am able to go up to different people and make conversation, and have no problem approaching people at parties, networking events, etc. I am a great conversationalist, and am able to have good conversations with a bunch of different people, only I do better in one-on-one situations or small groups. When I'm in a big group, I totally clam up and find it very hard to say anything. I think people find this a big turn-off. Most people seem to be extroverts, who are able to talk and laugh easily in a big group--I definitely cannot. I consider myself quiet because I'm an introvert, because I have a very difficult time in groups, and because I'm more of a serious type than a boisterous, life of the party type.

Also, I've noticed that I tend to have a different communication style than most people. I tend to communicate, at least at first when I don't know someone, by asking them a lot of questions (not intrusive ones--small talk ones) to get to know them. I find that most people do not do this at all, and I think it makes me stand out in a bad way. When I'm talking to new people, I find they hardly if ever ask me any questions, which makes me feel like they have no interest in me. For instance, when meeting a new person I might say, "how was your weekend?" and "how did you like that movie?" etc. when other people tend not to ask questions like these, instead making comments to further the conversation.

Anyhow, being a quiet person, I often feel invisible and overlooked in social situations. I wish this wasn't the case, but I've found it very difficult to make friends as a married gal in the last few years.

I'm the same way. I feel really uncomfortable in group, the bigger, the worse it is for me. Although since I have been promoted to a position of leadership at work, I have to be the center of attention, and I don't like it. But I can do the small talk and "shmooze" with the best of them. Takes practice but I would much rather be somewhere else. One on one, I feel much more comfortable.

I noticed after high school all my friends drifted apart and it seemed to follow a pattern. As they all got married, they started doing things with the wife's friends and not with me. We would meet on the street or something, and the conversations were always about what they did with "her" friends or family. And if kids came along, well that was 99% a friendship killer. Married people with kids, a majority of the time do not have single friends, just doesn't happen. Now someone will get on here and point out some exception but that is what it is, the exception.

Since I have been out of school so long I've been working on my new years resolution to cultivate some close friends. It's been a long time since I've had even one close friend, some one who will have some of the same interests as me and will want to call me up and just "touch base". The ironic thing is I find that the couple of people who I am currently growing closer to are also introverts who have felt the same as me. Right now I could call either one and they would just chat a bit or go hiking or bike riding, hang out stuff. I hope they develop into life long things.

[Giesela]

I would add into some of the good observations on this thread that Family has changed things a lot.
In the "old" days of course family was the bottom line and people loved their kids and did their best to be good parents and all that - but it wasn't the full-time media obsession it is now - it just was and people were allowed to have a life in addition to. Now family is EVERYTHING as people on TV are constantly telling us as if we needed reminding, and parents are very self-critical and worry a lot. Then of course people who don't have family are considered either as loner killers or pathetic or both.
In the old days parents didn't have to be afraid of letting their kids out to play and entertain themselves. The kids had kid friends - they weren't best friends with mom and dad.
In the old days kids didn't have events every night of the week that parents have to attend EVERY one of or....yea I don't know what happens if parents miss watching football practice but apparently whatever happens is unthinkable because I see parents killing themselves shuttling around to try to make every event for 3 kids.
People with families (1) don't have nearly as much time as they used to because they have to monitor their kids every second 24/7
(2) Since family is everything and they have no time, they don't have as many friends unless they are people who are the same age with same age kids.
(3) Its hard to connect with another adult you don't know well when your children are always there.
When a lot people do things, vacations, mini vacations, attendening events, golf what have you it is often with extended family members.
To be clear I'm not resentful though it may sound that way.
I'm a little nostalgic about my childhood which was much more free, and adult free. I ran with other kids on my block, we had a blast, being under my parents eye or around adults was the last place I wanted to be. SO different from today. Not necessarily bad just so different I can't hardly wrap my head around it. When I was coming up adults were NOT cool.
And I'm sad that it has gotten so hard for everyone to connect but it seems to be happening. The harder it is the more people withdraw into family only. Listen to people's phone conversations when your traveling, everyone seems to be talking to their spouse or Mom