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You mentioned cultural expectations. Can you elaborate a little more on that?
When I had a brother that got married, it was a big point for my family to have hotel rooms for all our first-level relatives and the second-level relatives that we were closer with. My family would've felt/given shame if my parents didn't make an effort to accommodate. There are also potential translation issues and distance is a factor- about half way around the world (12 hr time difference or so). For the bride's side, her parents, grandparents, and her brother's family had rooms as well.
There were also a few friends of my parents' that probably received hotel rooms as well.
Sounds like your expectations are greater than your friends can meet.
This is a surefire recipe for disappointment and joylessness.
Either lower your expectations or cool the friendship.
Likewise, decide if the cost - both financially and emotionally - of attending either the bachelor party or the wedding is worth the risk and act accordingly.
Well said. Thank you. At this point, I'm thinking of casually going to the wedding not worrying about time, and then leaving early if I'm not enjoying myself. I could even give Uber rides to/from the wedding. Very tacky, I know, but feels okay, all things considered.
I definitely need to lean toward cooling the friendship.
Being your friend sounds like a very difficult and fraught proposition.
It feels that way vice versa too.
I guess I try to go for quality because I've been burned too many times.
I'm willing to give what many people might not it seems.
I also know that people use the word "friend" very differently in developed countries not the US too.
I think you are expecting too much from old friend. It will be work maintaining this friendship, since he is in love and lives farther away than before.
Put your big boy pants on and support your friend. Attend bachelor party and wedding. Spring for a nice gift. This is adulthood 101. Be happy for your friend.
If in future you are able to see your friend and spouse once or twice a year, you will be doing well.
You are right.
To clarify a few things, friend always lived this far away. I've known him for ~2 years.
So, he might not be that "old" per se.
When I had a brother that got married, it was a big point for my family to have hotel rooms for all our first-level relatives and the second-level relatives that we were closer with. My family would've felt/given shame if my parents didn't make an effort to accommodate. There are also potential translation issues and distance is a factor- about half way around the world (12 hr time difference or so). For the bride's side, her parents, grandparents, and her brother's family had rooms as well.
There were also a few friends of my parents' that probably received hotel rooms as well.
OK, but those are family members. This situation is different.
I guess you are Asian? I think we all know that the concept of "giving shame" to a family member in this way isn't optimal.
I have (had) a good friend I previously dated. He lives about 1 hr 15 minutes away from me. We became good friends instead.
I met his boyfriend twice, and my friend and the boyfriend live together now. The boyfriend and I seem to have gotten along well enough. They hosted me for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner in early November and only gave me a few days advance notice, but I was able to do it.
They also visited my place once and I had to initiate most of the communication to confirm things for 3 weeks ahead of time which was difficult for me. My friend's boyfriend convinced me to take off a day for them to be around with them. While I enjoyed being with them, I felt asking me to take off the day like that and then them not offering to treat me was not very respectful. I also feel that they would not take off a day for me to visit them either.
When they met up, my friend's boyfriend felt like a "pushover" too much. I let my friend know my feelings about the whole ordeal after they had left. I still think they are good people and good together, but that one may overpower the other too much. I'm here to support both of them (as much as I can) and wish them the best regardless.
3 months later, I've made one trip halfway between us and one trip 15 min from their home. I plan to make another trip halfway between us. I'm not able to plan ahead with them. They sometimes don't respond to inquiries about meeting up a few days or the day of now. I have gotten a response twice the day after I asked to meet saying they are too busy making wedding plans.
Both people getting married have social anxiety tendencies. My one friend has known me for at least 2 years now. I've met his boyfriend twice- once last early November in once in late May.
I'm sure that's a half truth about the wedding, but I feel like my time, energy, and presence don't really matter.
Their wedding is in the middle of November, and I was planning to go, but now I think it's not a good idea. I'm sure I'd have to pay for my own hotel room and I feel like I'm going to be put in a back table instead of at a closer table to the grooms at the wedding, or that I'll be ignored as I don't know anyone else but the people being married. I haven't even received a physical wedding invitation yet, and if I do receive one, I should be receiving one this week.
A few days ago, I was sent a Facebook invite to a Bachelor party- 2 weeks away, and it is a 1.5 hour drive for me if I were to go.
It's on a Saturday or Sunday I can't do anyway, but I don't feel my meal would be paid for and that I might even be ignored on top of that. I looked up Bachelor Party invites and those should be done 4-6 weeks in advance too rather than 2 weeks away.
I feel like I need to pull away, but gently. Feeling frustrated. Like I guess I send a gift cheaper than I was anticipating, and then kind of cut ties unless they initiate some quality inviting and respect my time and energy again. Any other thoughts?
You are really being a high maintenance friend.
Just be with your friends and be happy with them. No one is buying you a meal or paying for a hotel room.
Honestly if you are this much trouble in real life, you are in trouble.
I don't think the personal attacks are helpful, and you've accepted frank criticism with grace here.
It does appear, though, that you have a very biased view of how you handle friendship vs. how others handle it, being much more forgiving and flattering toward yourself, naturally.
You said in a reply to me that your expectations are based on what you supposedly give back to others, although in your description of the friendship here you only complained about these two and the efforts you "had" to go to to maintain the relationship.
It may not occur to you that you seem to be shaming them the way your own extended family would shame your parents if they didn't entertain to the same standards.
It's a horrible cycle that needs to be broken.
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