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I wonder if I should just burn this bridge now or wait and see what happens until after the wedding.
Why do you need to do anything as dramatic as burning a bridge? Do you need some sort of contrition or retribution? Once they are married your relationship with them may change anyway. They may disconnect and maybe that will answer the question. If they don't, and you decide you don't want to continue the status quo, don't. Be unavailable.
Why do you need to do anything as dramatic as burning a bridge? Do you need some sort of contrition or retribution? Once they are married your relationship with them may change anyway. They may disconnect and maybe that will answer the question. If they don't, and you decide you don't want to continue the status quo, don't. Be unavailable.
"burning a bridge" may've been extreme. I'm not always the best with my vocabulary. I was thinking of unfriending on FB and not contacting unless I get contacted first is all. Not doing anything else besides moving on with my own life.
I think a good first/last step is to attempt to talk with them before or after the wedding. Seems like there's a slight leaning to wait till after the wedding. If communication is too difficult, then I have my answer. If I keep them friended, I know I will think about them too much and for my own sanity, it will help me to disconnect (but not block.) If they really want to contact me, they still can and I can give them any straight forward answers they need.
I don't like to purposely "be unavailable." I like to keep things as real as I can.
I don't want to wait till after the wedding. It feels like everything I've done has been unnecessarily completely disrespected recently by them.
Last edited by chessimprov; 10-10-2019 at 03:32 PM..
"burning a bridge" may've been extreme. I'm not always the best with my vocabulary. I was thinking of unfriending on FB and not contacting unless I get contacted first is all. Not doing anything else besides moving on with my own life.
I think a good first/last step is to attempt to talk with them before or after the wedding. Seems like there's a slight leaning to wait till after the wedding. If communication is too difficult, then I have my answer. If I keep them friended, I know I will think about them too much and for my own sanity, it will help me to disconnect (but not block.) If they really want to contact me, they still can and I can give them any straight forward answers they need.
I don't like to purposely "be unavailable." I like to keep things as real as I can.
I don't want to wait till after the wedding. It feels like everything I've done has been unnecessarily completely disrespected recently by them.
No need to unfriend. Just unfollow. That way you still can reconnect later if necessary but you won't see their posts in your feed.
No need to unfriend. Just unfollow. That way you still can reconnect later if necessary but you won't see their posts in your feed.
I don't like to unfollow and feel like if I have to do that, then I might as well not keep them around if they are not family. I'm not one for much BS or much of this "in-between" stuff if it's not helping me out with work. I probably turn a lot of people away but those that tend to understand me, I tend to be tighter with too.
You sound petty to me. Friendships do not have to be quid pro quo. You are trying to figure out what it does for you in every situation. If you think they do, then you need to stick with others who feel the same.
Who cares if one of them has an iPhone 11. That doesn't mean that they bought it outright. That's basically a $25 a month phone on most plans. Add $10 if it was the Pro Max model. Almost any recent model phone is going to be about the same price.
And why the heck are you upset that they contacted you after you declined the bachelor party invite? This meant that they actually cared about you being there. NOT saying anything about you not going would be the insulting thing.
It sounds like they might not be the best at time management. Some people just aren't, especially when they are a 'unit'. My family knows that almost all of our plans are tentative. I may not find out until 30 minutes before my husband is supposed to get off work that they have to stay late, or we'll find out on Friday afternoon that they have to work on Saturday. Holidays are the same way - sometimes they get them and sometimes they don't. There are extenuating factors involved where they have to work when the work needs done - 8-5, M-F means nothing to the salaried ones at his company. So, there are a lot of things we end up missing at the last moment. (It can go the other way, too, if I find out I have to travel for work.) If you need friends that can plan early and put your get togethers as a priority, they may not be the couple for you. I'd suggest looking for a single friend and not a couple.
I think you are taking things way too personally here. I would not expect their behavior to change. Don't be selfish - act normal until their wedding. Go or don't go, but either way, don't make a big deal about it. Stop initiating interaction with them, but don't ignore them. If you want to act childish and unfriend them so that they KNOW you are done with them, go for it.
OP, what I've noticed is that nearly everything you've mentioned is focused around money. To clarify, and this may come across a bit harsh, it seems like you're always looking for a free ride.
You've provided plenty of reasons why others should pay your way, but none of them are reasonable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chessimprov
It sounds like I'm asking for a free ride, but I'm not. You have to read through the thread more thoroughly to understand that there was more give and take in the process searched for.
Last May, I bought 2 or 3 meals for both of them because I could and it was a way for me to show them that I considered them good friends. I was frustrated because I come to find out recently that my trust was betrayed. I get that me asking for any of those things in return may seem like a free ride, but in actuality, it's the least they can do if it's within their means and they care, or if not that, then something comparable off their own accord.
I've given them some stuff as friends. Real friends would return the favor, and not necessarily monetarily if they can't afford. I'm not trying to penny pinch but they've come off like they are friends and have not been lately.
They came to my place and I treated them to some meals and they treated me to some smaller stuff in return. I find out very recently that one of the engaged partners just got an iPhone 11. I can't easily afford such a thing on my own. They disrespected my time and energy by having me take off a day from work and cater to their needs over the limit. There was a concert we all wanted to go to, and they came so late that we couldn't make it for the concert at all. I asked beforehand for them to let me go to the concert on my own and to another event and they took my time away from those events. During that time, they also told me to save their date for their wedding. I have received no official invite and it's now only a bit more than a month away. They also invited me by FB only to a Bachelor party 1.5 hours away and even after I declined a few days later, one of them bothered me to try to go if I "change my mind." They can plan that 2+ weeks in advance, but yet "don't have time" to respond on inquiries to meet them on 3 separate occasions 2-4 weeks in advance with reminders a few days before and day of and they waited until the day after to tell me that they "were busy."
I wonder if I should just burn this bridge now or wait and see what happens until after the wedding.
I have read through the thread thoroughly, and I stand by my comments.
But I do agree that they screwed you over with the concert.
OP, this is really not about your friends, it's about your unrealistic expectations of how you want them to behave. Your life will be full of disappointments and stress if you continue judging and calculating other people's actions. I've noticed how you even tend to judge people's replies to you on this thread, rather than just have a conversation.
You need to accept that everyone is different. Some are more generous than others. You can only control you, so you always have the option to say no, that doesn't work for me. It doesn't mean the other people are wrong or owe you something. Don't keep score.
As for the wedding, as others have said, you pay for your own hotel room if you feel the need to stay overnight when you're only 90 minutes from home. As for cutting people off, I just don't see why you would take such drastic action. You can choose to have many friends and acquaintances in your life, with different types of relationships and activities with each one. Be content and thankful. And have fun if you go to the wedding and bachelor party.
I always did view friendships as a "quid pro quo" type thing. Not to the point that everything had to be exact, but a quality friendship has give and take. I've considered various angles.
aa6660, as harsh as your words are, you completely understand that I'm not looking for a free ride either.
When I met one of the friends of the engaged partner, he was single at the time. He had found someone later on.
I'm not opposed to meeting people whether they are engaged, single, or whatever situation. I do want to be able to plateau with people basically no matter what the situation is. That should be the situation. Society makes it less so otherwise.
I can say that I can and have been open to extenuating factors. I have such a job where such things can happen.
I wanted a level of friendship that seemed like it had gotten to that level but I turned out to get screwed over instead. I don't think my desire for such quality friendships is unreasonable, but it seems the way I think and have handled them is not acceptable in (American) society. I just simply need to say "no" in many contexts until/unless I have enough reason to do things otherwise and focus on things I can/want to do/things that will help me grow.
BirdieBelle, thanks for your wisdom, understanding, and class in your responses to me and even in your responses to other people. It's nice to know that the world doesn't always feel a lot more superficial than it seems.
You have repeatedly weighed this couple in the balance and found them lacking. You sum yourself up in post #54 in way that sounds like it is a basic part of your make-up. Attend the wedding, behave with appropriate courtesy so that you don't mar the occasion and then when the event is over you can just back out of their lives quietly if you choose.
You have repeatedly weighed this couple in the balance and found them lacking. You sum yourself up in post #54 in way that sounds like it is a basic part of your make-up. Attend the wedding, behave with appropriate courtesy so that you don't mar the occasion and then when the event is over you can just back out of their lives quietly if you choose.
That is good advice kevxu. Thank you.
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