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So as I understand it, you have gone out of your way for their friendship and they have not done the same in return for you.
I think your decision to cool your jets is a good one. Whether the friendship will continue after their wedding remains to be seen, but should probably depend on them reaching out to you.
As to the bachelor party, if you don't want to go, then don't.
OP, try to relax. Give friends more time to reciprocate favors and let them do it in their own way. Americans are by & large very generous, friendly people. However there are a multitude of cultural backgrounds here and one person's normal may not be another person's normal. It was nice that your friends wanted to spend an extra day with you, but if it created a financial hardship you should have just politely declined.
It did not create a financial hardship for me.
It was about a quality friendship that was starting to develop but then faltering because of a lot of inconsiderations during the series of events when they came to visit me up to the present.
It has created an unexpectedly slightly continuous, emotional hardship for me.
They wanted to spend 2.5 days with me instead of 1.5 days with me. So, I got pushed to use of one my work days to take Friday off. I ended up being okay with this as long as I would be able to attend the concert at noon. After my experiences with them now, I can see that they won't do something like this for me back even though they asked me to do this with them. I would've been fine with them taking themselves around and taking public transportation, but they are scared to drive in the city and I happen to love driving in the city, lol.
We also spent Saturday and part of Sunday together. Since I considered the one partner that good of a friend, I made that sacrifice. There was a concert at noon that we all wanted to go to but they got too late to get to it. I even offered to let them stay the night before and I only missed it because of them. They are not early birds, and nor am I particularly, but I won't try to hold someone else up either and just tell someone else to go if a certain time has hit etc.
As for the hotel room thing, I didn't know better because I've only been in a few weddings. It depends on the culture, social dynamic, and people involved with how a hotel room would work. I guess usually that would only be considered where families are involved rather than friends of families as well.
After seeing all your posts and thinking this out more, I won't shut this friendship out. But I'm making too much effort and being too nice. Quality friendships go both ways, and that's what I want. I'll go to the wedding and give something I feel is appropriate- right now that has to be something relatively minimal as there has been a slew of these slight inconsiderations that have affected my schedule and efforts.
I have never heard of the B&G (G&G in this case) paying for the guests hotel rooms. That's typically on the guests.
When I had a brother that got married, it was a big point for my family to have hotel rooms for all our first-level relatives and the second-level relatives that we were closer with. My family would've felt/given shame if my parents didn't make an effort to accommodate. There are also potential translation issues and distance is a factor- about half way around the world (12 hr time difference or so). For the bride's side, her parents, grandparents, and her brother's family had rooms as well.
There were also a few friends of my parents' that probably received hotel rooms as well.
You are thinking of a hotel block. B&G can reserve a block of rooms so that they don't get taken and can be given to guests, but again, that is usually something the guests pay for if they want it.
Hotels are not cheap. Unless a family is very wealthy or you have a very small family, I can't imagine ponying up for EVERY SINGLE PERSON who wants a hotel room. That's on the guests, not the hosts.
Quite off the mark. Read the later threads and replies.
I am offended because there were past situations where there were a combination of events where I was asked to go out of my way on things and where I went out of my way on my own and they were not fully reciprocated properly. The advice not to complain is great advice, but your interpretation of the reasoning is off the mark completely.
The thought of being paid for that stuff was from culture and one of a way to reciprocate back for what I gave to them, but it was not the best thought to have basically.
I think I just need to fade out from this friendship at this point, honestly.
In review, it was never all about just me. It's about everyone involved and trying to be fair to everyone involved, but my approach should be different. And I am not always the best at initially explaining the reality of the combination of situations and the important nuances at first.
I don't think friendships should be based on reciprocity.
I have a friend who is married, has a 1 year old son, they both work. She picks him up from daycare @ 3 and then her husband comes home around 8.
Sometimes I will make dinner plans with her. She will ask me to come to have dinner by her EVERY TIME b/c it is too difficult with the baby. She lives 20 minutes away which is not a big deal but my point is, I don't say to her "I went to you last time, you come to me." I understand the circumstances are what they are and I accept it b/c it's part of being her friend.
OP, what I've noticed is that nearly everything you've mentioned is focused around money. To clarify, and this may come across a bit harsh, it seems like you're always looking for a free ride.
You've provided plenty of reasons why others should pay your way, but none of them are reasonable.
OP, what I've noticed is that nearly everything you've mentioned is focused around money. To clarify, and this may come across a bit harsh, it seems like you're always looking for a free ride.
You've provided plenty of reasons why others should pay your way, but none of them are reasonable.
It sounds like I'm asking for a free ride, but I'm not.
You have to read through the thread more thoroughly to understand that there was more give and take in the process searched for.
Last May, I bought 2 or 3 meals for both of them because I could and it was a way for me to show them that I considered them good friends. I was frustrated because I come to find out recently that my trust was betrayed. I get that me asking for any of those things in return may seem like a free ride, but in actuality, it's the least they can do if it's within their means and they care, or if not that, then something comparable off their own accord.
I've given them some stuff as friends. Real friends would return the favor, and not necessarily monetarily if they can't afford. I'm not trying to penny pinch but they've come off like they are friends and have not been lately.
They came to my place and I treated them to some meals and they treated me to some smaller stuff in return. I find out very recently that one of the engaged partners just got an iPhone 11. I can't easily afford such a thing on my own. They disrespected my time and energy by having me take off a day from work and cater to their needs over the limit. There was a concert we all wanted to go to, and they came so late that we couldn't make it for the concert at all. I asked beforehand for them to let me go to the concert on my own and to another event and they took my time away from those events. During that time, they also told me to save their date for their wedding. I have received no official invite and it's now only a bit more than a month away. They also invited me by FB only to a Bachelor party 1.5 hours away and even after I declined a few days later, one of them bothered me to try to go if I "change my mind." They can plan that 2+ weeks in advance, but yet "don't have time" to respond on inquiries to meet them on 3 separate occasions 2-4 weeks in advance with reminders a few days before and day of and they waited until the day after to tell me that they "were busy."
I wonder if I should just burn this bridge now or wait and see what happens until after the wedding.
I don't think friendships should be based on reciprocity.
I have a friend who is married, has a 1 year old son, they both work. She picks him up from daycare @ 3 and then her husband comes home around 8.
Sometimes I will make dinner plans with her. She will ask me to come to have dinner by her EVERY TIME b/c it is too difficult with the baby. She lives 20 minutes away which is not a big deal but my point is, I don't say to her "I went to you last time, you come to me." I understand the circumstances are what they are and I accept it b/c it's part of being her friend.
True, but this engaged couple doesn't have a child, and they live 1.5 hours away rather than 20 minutes away. It's not too much for me to expect an answer of 'I can't make it' beforehand, especially since distance and my time and energy (as well as theirs) are valuable, and if there are certain circumstances, I would be aware of them as a "good friend." If I'm not aware of the situation or it's not really a factor, then this is probably a "friendship " I need to burn.
It's totally not okay that they have time for their own things to try to force me to go to, but don't respect me repeatedly with no such underlying circumstances such as the one you have described affecting them (or unknowingly to me that this is the case.)
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