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I have (had) a good friend I previously dated. He lives about 1 hr 15 minutes away from me. We became good friends instead.
I met his boyfriend twice, and my friend and the boyfriend live together now. The boyfriend and I seem to have gotten along well enough. They hosted me for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner in early November and only gave me a few days advance notice, but I was able to do it.
They also visited my place once and I had to initiate most of the communication to confirm things for 3 weeks ahead of time which was difficult for me. My friend's boyfriend convinced me to take off a day for them to be around with them. While I enjoyed being with them, I felt asking me to take off the day like that and then them not offering to treat me was not very respectful. I also feel that they would not take off a day for me to visit them either.
When they met up, my friend's boyfriend felt like a "pushover" too much. I let my friend know my feelings about the whole ordeal after they had left. I still think they are good people and good together, but that one may overpower the other too much. I'm here to support both of them (as much as I can) and wish them the best regardless.
3 months later, I've made one trip halfway between us and one trip 15 min from their home. I plan to make another trip halfway between us. I'm not able to plan ahead with them. They sometimes don't respond to inquiries about meeting up a few days or the day of now. I have gotten a response twice the day after I asked to meet saying they are too busy making wedding plans.
Both people getting married have social anxiety tendencies. My one friend has known me for at least 2 years now. I've met his boyfriend twice- once last early November in once in late May.
I'm sure that's a half truth about the wedding, but I feel like my time, energy, and presence don't really matter.
Their wedding is in the middle of November, and I was planning to go, but now I think it's not a good idea. I'm sure I'd have to pay for my own hotel room and I feel like I'm going to be put in a back table instead of at a closer table to the grooms at the wedding, or that I'll be ignored as I don't know anyone else but the people being married. I haven't even received a physical wedding invitation yet, and if I do receive one, I should be receiving one this week.
A few days ago, I was sent a Facebook invite to a Bachelor party- 2 weeks away, and it is a 1.5 hour drive for me if I were to go.
It's on a Saturday or Sunday I can't do anyway, but I don't feel my meal would be paid for and that I might even be ignored on top of that. I looked up Bachelor Party invites and those should be done 4-6 weeks in advance too rather than 2 weeks away.
I feel like I need to pull away, but gently. Feeling frustrated. Like I guess I send a gift cheaper than I was anticipating, and then kind of cut ties unless they initiate some quality inviting and respect my time and energy again. Any other thoughts?
I have (had) a good friend I previously dated. He lives about 1 hr 15 minutes away from me. We became good friends instead.
I met his boyfriend twice, and my friend and the boyfriend live together now. The boyfriend and I seem to have gotten along well enough. They hosted me for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner in early November and only gave me a few days advance notice, but I was able to do it.
They also visited my place once and I had to initiate most of the communication to confirm things for 3 weeks ahead of time which was difficult for me. My friend's boyfriend convinced me to take off a day for them to be around with them. While I enjoyed being with them, I felt asking me to take off the day like that and then them not offering to treat me was not very respectful. I also feel that they would not take off a day for me to visit them either.
When they met up, my friend's boyfriend felt like a "pushover" too much. I let my friend know my feelings about the whole ordeal after they had left. I still think they are good people and good together, but that one may overpower the other too much. I'm here to support both of them (as much as I can) and wish them the best regardless.
3 months later, I've made one trip halfway between us and one trip 15 min from their home. I plan to make another trip halfway between us. I'm not able to plan ahead with them. They sometimes don't respond to inquiries about meeting up a few days or the day of now. I have gotten a response twice the day after I asked to meet saying they are too busy making wedding plans.
Both people getting married have social anxiety tendencies. My one friend has known me for at least 2 years now. I've met his boyfriend twice- once last early November in once in late May.
I'm sure that's a half truth about the wedding, but I feel like my time, energy, and presence don't really matter.
Their wedding is in the middle of November, and I was planning to go, but now I think it's not a good idea. I'm sure I'd have to pay for my own hotel room and I feel like I'm going to be put in a back table instead of at a closer table to the grooms at the wedding, or that I'll be ignored as I don't know anyone else but the people being married. I haven't even received a physical wedding invitation yet, and if I do receive one, I should be receiving one this week.
A few days ago, I was sent a Facebook invite to a Bachelor party- 2 weeks away, and it is a 1.5 hour drive for me if I were to go.
It's on a Saturday or Sunday I can't do anyway, but I don't feel my meal would be paid for and that I might even be ignored on top of that. I looked up Bachelor Party invites and those should be done 4-6 weeks in advance too rather than 2 weeks away.
I feel like I need to pull away, but gently. Feeling frustrated. Like I guess I send a gift cheaper than I was anticipating, and then kind of cut ties unless they initiate some quality inviting and respect my time and energy again. Any other thoughts?
Well, I'll be honest. You're doing a GREAT job hosting your own pity party here.
As is often the case in situations like this, your own expectations are setting you up for failure.
Like it or not, you just aren't the center of their attention right now. It sounds like they have made a lot of effort to connect with you, which is pretty unusual for an ex.
But you just can't accept that as enough. You want to be not only thought of and included, but you also want them to roll out the red carpet for you. It sounds like you want them to make every decision about their wedding the way you would make it, and that is unreasonable.
1.5 hours is just not that far away. Why would you need a hotel room?
Here is what I would do: Try very hard to make the wedding. Go and be truly happy for them, and resist the urge to look for things to get hurt feelings about.
Then begin to fade out afterward. You guys were making a LOT of plans to see each other that you don't seem to really appreciate anyway. So honor their wedding and then just move on.
I'm confused by your questions. While it does seem like the invitations to the bachelor party are late, if they have a meal in a restaurant why would you expect them to pay for it? And, it was pretty ballsy to ask you to take a day off of work and then not treat you to a meal or something, but to me it really doesn't sound that bad.
My vote is to attend the wedding, send/bring a gift the cost that your are comfortable with and have fun. I'm sure that you will meet some new people at the wedding to chat with, drink with and dance with.
I’m really not understanding what you’re feeling upset over. I don’t see anything weird about the way they’ve interacted with you. If you want to go to the wedding, then go. Same for the bachelor party. It’s an invitation, not a requirement for you to attend. Personally, I’d skip the bachelor party (but be glad that I was invited) due to the distance but go to the wedding.
I think you are expecting too much from old friend. It will be work maintaining this friendship, since he is in love and lives farther away than before.
Put your big boy pants on and support your friend. Attend bachelor party and wedding. Spring for a nice gift. This is adulthood 101. Be happy for your friend.
If in future you are able to see your friend and spouse once or twice a year, you will be doing well.
Well, I'll be honest. You're doing a GREAT job hosting your own pity party here.
As is often the case in situations like this, your own expectations are setting you up for failure.
Like it or not, you just aren't the center of their attention right now. It sounds like they have made a lot of effort to connect with you, which is pretty unusual for an ex.
But you just can't accept that as enough. You want to be not only thought of and included, but you also want them to roll out the red carpet for you. It sounds like you want them to make every decision about their wedding the way you would make it, and that is unreasonable.
1.5 hours is just not that far away. Why would you need a hotel room?
Here is what I would do: Try very hard to make the wedding. Go and be truly happy for them, and resist the urge to look for things to get hurt feelings about.
Then begin to fade out afterward. You guys were making a LOT of plans to see each other that you don't seem to really appreciate anyway. So honor their wedding and then just move on.
I like your responses and honesty. Thank you for that.
To be fair, my expectations come from that I have a tendency to give that much back to people I am involved with. I try to form quality relationships. So I tend to have strong connections in some ways but it is also a turn off for networking. I am not a big fan of small talk.
The friend and I dated once, and we mutually agreed to build friendship. So, he wasn't really an ex per se. I didn't explain that well before.
I'm have a hard time conceptualizing what "a lot" of effort is.
I guess I wouldn't need a hotel room unless they're doing some kind of brunch thing the next day. A few weddings have done that for people that they are closer to. My relationship with those two definitely is or at least borders that boundary.
You expect to get paid for taking time off from work to go to an ex's wedding and are hurt feelings because you might get a cat's table and all this will mean you cut the present - please send a nice card and wish them well. It is their day not yours.
I don't understand this expectation that they would pay for your hotel room, if one were necessary. Even in cases of destination weddings, the guests pay for their own rooms, AFAIK.
I also don't understand the part about them asking you to take a day off, when they came to see you. Was it originally a dinner engagement, but they wanted to spend all day with you? They're only a little over an hour away, yet this sounds as if they were flying in from a great distance to see you, and to spend the day sightseeing in town, or something. It doesn't make sense. If they wanted to spend more than a couple of hours with you over a meal, couldn't you have compromised, and taken a half-day off? I'm just not understanding the whole scenario.
They wanted to spend 2.5 days with me instead of 1.5 days with me. So, I got pushed to use of one my work days to take Friday off. I ended up being okay with this as long as I would be able to attend the concert at noon. After my experiences with them now, I can see that they won't do something like this for me back even though they asked me to do this with them. I would've been fine with them taking themselves around and taking public transportation, but they are scared to drive in the city and I happen to love driving in the city, lol.
We also spent Saturday and part of Sunday together. Since I considered the one partner that good of a friend, I made that sacrifice. There was a concert at noon that we all wanted to go to but they got too late to get to it. I even offered to let them stay the night before and I only missed it because of them. They are not early birds, and nor am I particularly, but I won't try to hold someone else up either and just tell someone else to go if a certain time has hit etc.
As for the hotel room thing, I didn't know better because I've only been in a few weddings. It depends on the culture, social dynamic, and people involved with how a hotel room would work. I guess usually that would only be considered where families are involved rather than friends of families as well.
After seeing all your posts and thinking this out more, I won't shut this friendship out. But I'm making too much effort and being too nice. Quality friendships go both ways, and that's what I want. I'll go to the wedding and give something I feel is appropriate- right now that has to be something relatively minimal as there has been a slew of these slight inconsiderations that have affected my schedule and efforts.
Sounds like your expectations are greater than your friends can meet.
This is a surefire recipe for disappointment and joylessness.
Either lower your expectations or cool the friendship.
Likewise, decide if the cost - both financially and emotionally - of attending either the bachelor party or the wedding is worth the risk and act accordingly.
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