The "My phone died" excuse (brother, mother, feel)
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I asked myself this with a good long think about it the other day. I cut her off again last year. She then called asking for my help and I ignored her. But, she called again just recently begging for my help again in figuring out what to do in a legal employment matter.
The reason I allowed myself to get sucked in again is because it feels really good to be treated like I'm brilliant. She has always thought of me as being really smart and she has always respected my background and education and doesn't minimize it because of my disabilities.
I rarely get that from anyone else in my life now that I'm retired. I'll get asked for help, but then they'll question whether or not they should listen to me, or whatever. Or someone will just see a fat old lady - a woman - who can't possibly be smarter than their lawyer or know how to beat someone in small claims court, etc. Because of being a woman, a senior, someone with disabilities, etc., I just don't get the opportunity to be treated like I'm a brilliant person they honestly want advice from, very often.
And she gives me that. In spades.
So, I help her because it makes me feel smart. I know now going in, that I won't get much in return. It still irritates me sometimes and I use the internet to vent about her.
She will always also be a great personal reference for me and an emergency contact. So, it is beneficial for me to keep her as a friend, albeit at arms length.
I called her when I found out my mother had passed away, around 10:30pm. She didn't answer. I texted her and said my mother passed away and I really needed to talk if she's awake, and she called me. So, to be fair, she did call me. My mother had just died and I needed a shoulder to cry on. She did that for me, but I think she probably was just tired and wanted to go to sleep, so she just hung up.
There would have been nothing wrong with her just telling me she's falling asleep and maybe we could talk some more tomorrow, or something like that. The fake hang ups just hurt. It's insulting.
I had a counselor tell me once that I expected too much from her. Not that my idea of a friend was wrong - just that this particular person wasn't capable of giving like a normal friend. She's just not good at caring about anyone else's needs, really, or even a fair quid pro quo.
So, when I decided to help her this time, I accepted that I was doing it because I enjoy the research and strategy of legal situations, and did set boundaries with her this time that I was okay with.
But, the fake hang-up still pissed me off, and I came here to vent about it.
This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever read on City Data. Thank you for feeling you could share this with us.
If it happened once, or maybe twice in a 12 month period, I "might" believe it. But, every other week?
Even if it's true, it's unacceptable. Charge your dang phone.
Next birthday, Christmas, whatever, buy her a lipstick charger as a gift. They're relatively inexpensive ($15-$25) and she'll never have that excuse again.
Oh wait... your mother died/ is dying. You have my sincere condolences.
Less than two minutes, Sympathy noises. That's all you are going to get because I don't want to hear long rants about the details.
You would do this with a friend?
This sequence illustrates a very constructive purpose of CD; expressing brutally honest views that you would never openly express in the outside world. I'm going to rep both posts if I can.
She will always also be a great personal reference for me and an emergency contact. So, it is beneficial for me to keep her as a friend, albeit at arms length.
I called her when I found out my mother had passed away, around 10:30pm. She didn't answer. I texted her and said my mother passed away and I really needed to talk if she's awake, and she called me. So, to be fair, she did call me. My mother had just died and I needed a shoulder to cry on. She did that for me, but I think she probably was just tired and wanted to go to sleep, so she just hung up.
There would have been nothing wrong with her just telling me she's falling asleep and maybe we could talk some more tomorrow, or something like that. The fake hang ups just hurt. It's insulting.***********But, the fake hang-up still pissed me off, and I came here to vent about it.
Agreed, but when the hangups are done openly it's no less upsetting. I am quoting a post I made years ago, in May 2015 to be exact:
Quote:
Originally Posted by jbgusa
I started this as a new thread since the thread on which it is based relates to Facebook and similar unfriending. This relates to a real world situation spanning almost 43 years.
I became friends with an individual, "Jim" back in high school, when we were 15, in fall 1972, ironically after a sharp exchange concerning my (then) relative lack of Jewish identity. His views and certain life events, especially the death of my father as 1973 opened changed that. He was not present at my father's funeral nor invited to the "Shiva" since at that time we were not close friends. I also doubted he would have much respect for my other friends, all far less intelligent than he. *******************
We fell in and out of touch a few times. Surprisingly though he did invite me to his 1987 wedding. We fell out of touch and I in fact couldn't reach him to invite him to my 1991 wedding. Nevertheless he and his wife took us out for dinner at the end of 1991. We talked little until my first son was born. He came to the "bris" and then we again promptly fell out of touch until 2003, when he invited my wife and I to his daughter's "Bat Mitzvah." From this point there was little oral or in person contact but brief e-mails kept us in touch.
Surprisingly he continued to treat me as a very close friend. I was the only one from our town at his daughter's Bat Mitzvah. In 2006 I was invited to his stepdaughter's wedding (his wife's second marriage). Totally unexpected.
In 2008 out of nowhere I heard from him on the occasion of his father's death. Again I was the only one asked to come to the "Shiva." He was quite open that I was one of the few that had significant dealings with his father, who was also frighteningly intelligent. Our next meeting was an impromptu brunch with our wives at the beginning of 2010. I had him to my wife's 50th birthday party at the end of 2010. He made short work of one of my wife's friends in a political argument.
After that we got together for an occasional lunch, about once or twice a year. The lunches were fine but the few phone calls have become increasingly unwelcome from his end. Nevertheless, his wife invited us to his 55th surprise party in 2012, and he invited us to his daughter's recent wedding.
What brings to mind an "unfriending" is the fact that my phone calls (about four or less in the past year) have become quite obviously unwelcome. He denies it but most of them have been virtual "hangups."
Question is, do I terminate the relationship or just let it end?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jbgusa
You remember something but you don't quite have it right. He is someone who gets a bit of a power trip by abruptly terminating calls. When I pointed out that two of my six calls during a two year period were regarding the deaths of my stepfather (of 40 years) and mother, respectively, he said "you should have texted me about that and I would have talked." I told him "it doesn't work that way." Since that discussion, in November 2015, I haven't given him the opportunity to hang up on me.
It's a recurring theme even in close friendships; they're there whenever they need you, and sometimes as "sunshine friends" when all is good all around.
If you want to cut someone off in a conversation and have them believe it was inadvertent, launch into a story of your own and then hang up while you're the one talking.
If you want to cut someone off in a conversation and have them believe it was inadvertent, launch into a story of your own and then hang up while you're the one talking.
I'm a firm believer in tactful honesty. It is neither tactful nor honest to hang up on someone, pretending that it's inadvertent, no matter who's talking.
When I want to end a conversation, I say, "Listen, I'm going to have to let you go now -- there's stuff I have to do." Usually the other person says, "OK, talk to you later." And that's the end.
My phone cuts off all the time when Im talking to people. I dont pay attention to how much battery I have left, and I dont carry a charger with me all the time. I just talk til the phone cuts off. When I get home, Ill plug it in. I have no agenda, it just happens.
Happens to me regularly when I talk to my brother because he lives in an area with bad service. Especially if he is driving, he will dip down in a valley and lose connection. But he always calls back as soon as his service comes back - like within minutes.
A lot of this stuff sounds like playing games with people. I drop people who do that.
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