Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 7 days ago)
35,629 posts, read 17,968,125 times
Reputation: 50652
Advertisements
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stagemomma
THat's ridiculous. I'm a teacher and I can assure you that a vast majority of my students don't have a cheering throng.
I think your Brother isn't entitled, he's insecure. He wants you to go to be his buffer between him and all the chit chat he doesn't want to participate in with other families. does he show other signs of social anxiety?
This should not be that big a deal to him, and you should not feel obligated to attend.
If you're calling me "ridiculous", I'm just parroting back what the OP said, about his brother's social circle:
"He whines and complains that everyone he knows have "families who like to spend every waking moment together, etc."
And despite that you're a teacher, in my observation, a LOT of kids have an adoring throng following them at school plays, soccer games, preschool graduations, etc. Your own experience with your own specific students notwithstanding.
From your previous posts about your past I don't think you should be giving an opinion on what a close family is. Many families enjoy each others company. It isn't about control.
Since you think you are intimately familiar with my background of childhood emotional neglect, perhaps you should read musicfamly5’s past posts as well. Then maybe you’ll comprehend what I mean by compulsory togetherness.
The OP’s brother doesn’t want him there because he enjoys his company.
..... Instead of appreciating the fact that I am constantly babysitting his kids, he is complaining I don't do enough........ Does anyone have any recommendation as to how I can resolve this.
Yeah. You need to go on strike. He's taking you for granted, burdening and controlling you and wants to burden and control even more of your life. Is he paying you for your services? I suspect he's not since you made the comment about spending your rare and valuable time and money babysitting his kids for extended periods of time.
If you want him to believe you have a life of your own to attend to then you need to demonstrate it. The fact that you've been available to do so much babysitting for him means to him that you don't have a life of your own and you should be happy to be completely involved with his family.
The way to demonstrate that you do have a life is to not be available at his beck and call. Start by telling him point blank that you are feeling resentful about his demands and starting to feel resentful towards his children and it's time for him to get somebody else to babysit his kids because you are not going to babysit for him at all any more. He won't be happy about that either but you need to put your foot down and not let him control you anymore. You be the one to choose what other kinds of family occasions you may want to attend or to just drop in for a visit from time to time when he is home, but don't do any more babysitting. Don't give in.
You are just as much to blame for this situation as he is because you allowed this to happen when you became available as a regular babysitter so don't put all the blame and resentment on him. You have become his habit and his easy fix. Now it's time for both of you to withdraw from the habit.
It's not good for the kids either if you allow it to continue. Your growing resentment towards your brother's children is already showing in your posts and that's sad because it's not their fault. You won't be able to hide your resentment of them for much longer. If those kids are young enough to need a babysitter then the kids are also too young to have any say in the matter but they also are becoming too accustomed to you out of habit and too attached to you. You need to nip that in the bud before they develop greater expectations of you and become an even greater burden on you than what they already are.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,742,544 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC
If you're calling me "ridiculous", I'm just parroting back what the OP said, about his brother's social circle:
"He whines and complains that everyone he knows have "families who like to spend every waking moment together, etc."
And despite that you're a teacher, in my observation, a LOT of kids have an adoring throng following them at school plays, soccer games, preschool graduations, etc. Your own experience with your own specific students notwithstanding.
Well in MY observation, which you will probably dispute or rebut unsuccessfully, when my friends has their family at events it is typically limited to the nuclear family and if extended family is involved it is typically limited to grandparents and very rarely uncles, aunts, and cousins. Most extended families live in separate parts of the country these days so it is not likely a lot of kids have a gaggle of extended family at events on a regular basis.
For the OP, you are already a steady presence in your nieces and nephews lives so I highly doubt they are clamoring for your presence at their events and I think your brother is probably trying (unsuccessfully) to BS you into fulfilling his fantasy. Don’t take the bait.
Well in MY observation, which you will probably dispute or rebut unsuccessfully, when my friends has their family at events it is typically limited to the nuclear family and if extended family is involved it is typically limited to grandparents and very rarely uncles, aunts, and cousins. Most extended families live in separate parts of the country these days so it is not likely a lot of kids have a gaggle of extended family at events on a regular basis.
For the OP, you are already a steady presence in your nieces and nephews lives so I highly doubt they are clamoring for your presence at their events and I think your brother is probably trying (unsuccessfully) to BS you into fulfilling his fantasy. Don’t take the bait.
What I believe is that my brother thinks our family is dysfunctional. In other words, he has always dreamed of having this family where everyone does everything together. He goes to parties or he goes to events and sees other people there with their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and he longs for that. And he longs for that for his kids too.
I quite frankly don't want to hang around my brother very much BECAUSE he is so controlling and dictatorial and gets angry when things are not done his way. So I try to limit the time I spend around him. I spend a lot more time with his kids than with him. Now he is trying to dictate that I spend MORE time with his kids, or MORE time in family activities. Because, again, I think he longs to belong to one of those families where everyone is hanging out together weekly. He envies the people with families who are close-knit.
We are not close-knit, according to him.
But in my book, we ARE close-knit. I see him and his kids weekly. For a few hours at a time. He arbitrarily tells me "I'm dropping the kids at your house this weekend" without my permission.
No I don't want to go have dinner at his house every weekend. Or attend every school game. Or attend every party he throws.
I feel like with him, no matter how much time I spend with them, it's never enough.
When I have had this discussion with him, he throws back "Don't tell me I should be grateful. When I go to school events I see everyone else's kids with their aunts, uncles, grandparents weekly. Why not our family?"
Your brother is expecting too much, IMO. End of year dance recital, big Holiday music fest at school, recognition program IF kid is getting major award? - okay if you want to. Weekly soccer games? - no.
You need to be less available for your brother’s babysitting requests. “I’m bringing the kids over Saturday.” “Sorry bro, I’ve already made other plans.” Even if it’s just vegging out on Netflix all day.
So apparently he doesn't have the spouse to take care of the kids all week and weekends and go to the usual after school events.
I know several people in this position and they don't have just the one person to pick up the slack every time. They themselves do a whole lot of it and then friends, family, the other adults taking kids to events step in in those emergencies.
I really wonder what does you brother do that he has to drop the kids with you so often? Being single is more difficult but, hey, the world is full of single people who do it all. Your brother is lucky if you will do some things...not even all the child care you are already doing.
Last edited by petsandgardens; 10-31-2019 at 08:35 AM..
You're doing more than enough, OP. Ignore any comments to the contrary.
Some people on C-D come from families where there is what I call "compulsory togetherness." It's not love, it's control. You're uncomfortable with your brother's demands for good reason. No one likes it when another tries to control them.
This.
If you want to get testy OP, respond with "They are not my kids. You are their parent; act like it."
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,742,544 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by sinatras
What I believe is that my brother thinks our family is dysfunctional. In other words, he has always dreamed of having this family where everyone does everything together. He goes to parties or he goes to events and sees other people there with their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and he longs for that. And he longs for that for his kids too.
I quite frankly don't want to hang around my brother very much BECAUSE he is so controlling and dictatorial and gets angry when things are not done his way. So I try to limit the time I spend around him. I spend a lot more time with his kids than with him. Now he is trying to dictate that I spend MORE time with his kids, or MORE time in family activities. Because, again, I think he longs to belong to one of those families where everyone is hanging out together weekly. He envies the people with families who are close-knit.
We are not close-knit, according to him.
But in my book, we ARE close-knit. I see him and his kids weekly. For a few hours at a time. He arbitrarily tells me "I'm dropping the kids at your house this weekend" without my permission.
No I don't want to go have dinner at his house every weekend. Or attend every school game. Or attend every party he throws.
I feel like with him, no matter how much time I spend with them, it's never enough.
When I have had this discussion with him, he throws back "Don't tell me I should be grateful. When I go to school events I see everyone else's kids with their aunts, uncles, grandparents weekly. Why not our family?"
I think you need to be strict especially on this part. If he just brings the kids by without your permission, say no I’ll need you to ask from now on and close the door.
What I believe is that my brother thinks our family is dysfunctional. In other words, he has always dreamed of having this family where everyone does everything together. He goes to parties or he goes to events and sees other people there with their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and he longs for that. And he longs for that for his kids too.
I quite frankly don't want to hang around my brother very much BECAUSE he is so controlling and dictatorial and gets angry when things are not done his way. So I try to limit the time I spend around him. I spend a lot more time with his kids than with him. Now he is trying to dictate that I spend MORE time with his kids, or MORE time in family activities. Because, again, I think he longs to belong to one of those families where everyone is hanging out together weekly. He envies the people with families who are close-knit.
We are not close-knit, according to him.
But in my book, we ARE close-knit. I see him and his kids weekly. For a few hours at a time. He arbitrarily tells me "I'm dropping the kids at your house this weekend" without my permission.
No I don't want to go have dinner at his house every weekend. Or attend every school game. Or attend every party he throws.
I feel like with him, no matter how much time I spend with them, it's never enough.
When I have had this discussion with him, he throws back "Don't tell me I should be grateful. When I go to school events I see everyone else's kids with their aunts, uncles, grandparents weekly. Why not our family?"
Here's my $0.02 for this circumstance. First, I think that you need to communicate some boundaries to your brother and hold firm. A good way to go would be to let him know that you do love his kids, you do see and spend time with his kids, but you also have other life demands, commitments, etc. Therefore, when you can be there for them, you will, and if you cannot, that he needs to respect it.
I'd also remind him that you will babysit for him at a mutually agreed on time, that he needs to communicate with you ahead of time and he cannot surprise you or just demand that you watch them at certain times.
Last, this might end up a power struggle for a little while. People who are not used to boundaries being set and held to sometimes get hostile, just stay calm and hold your boundaries, eventually he will respect them. In the meantime, my advice is to not let what is happening between you and him affect the quality or quantity of time with the kids. If you can make events like birthday parties, or big events that mean a lot to the kids, don't forgo them just to make a point to your brother. There will be plenty of opportunity for you to hold firm to these boundaries in the coming years. In the kids' eyes, you really are just the uncle that they love and want to be around.
Best wishes that this can be resolved constructively!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
