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My brother is constantly complaining to me that I don't attend school activities, games, birthday parties for his kids. I already spend vast amounts of time with his kids every month (I babysit for him a lot), and I don't feel like I should have to attend those things (which involve parking, dealing with crowds, and other inconveniences). I have no kids. So going to school games and other things is extra annoying to me.
Instead of appreciating the fact that I am constantly babysitting his kids, he is complaining I don't do enough. But more specifically, why does he feel like the world owes something to him and his kids? I am under no obligation, and neither is anyone else, to spend even 5 minutes with him or his kids. No matter how many times I try to explain that he should be thankful that I spend ANY time with his kids, he just doesn't get it. He whines and complains that everyone he knows have "families who like to spend every waking moment together, etc." And I tell him: "And I know families who don't spend ANY time together! You should be thankful we have a good relationship as-is!"
Personally, I live my life expecting exactly ZERO from people, period. Family or otherwise. He lives his life comparing himself (especially other parents and their relatives) to others and longing for whatever better perceived family/life/etc. they have.
Does anyone have any recommendation as to how I can resolve this.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
35,636 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50678
Quote:
Originally Posted by sinatras
My brother is constantly complaining to me that I don't attend school activities, games, birthday parties for his kids. I already spend vast amounts of time with his kids every month (I babysit for him a lot), and I don't feel like I should have to attend those things (which involve parking, dealing with crowds, and other inconveniences). I have no kids. So going to school games and other things is extra annoying to me.
Instead of appreciating the fact that I am constantly babysitting his kids, he is complaining I don't do enough. But more specifically, why does he feel like the world owes something to him and his kids? I am under no obligation, and neither is anyone else, to spend even 5 minutes with him or his kids. No matter how many times I try to explain that he should be thankful that I spend ANY time with his kids, he just doesn't get it. He whines and complains that everyone he knows have "families who like to spend every waking moment together, etc." And I tell him: "And I know families who don't spend ANY time together! You should be thankful we have a good relationship as-is!"
Personally, I live my life expecting exactly ZERO from people, period. Family or otherwise. He lives his life comparing himself (especially other parents and their relatives) to others and longing for whatever better perceived family/life/etc. they have.
Does anyone have any recommendation as to how I can resolve this.
I think you answered your own question.
He's envious (and maybe a little embarrassed?) when he attends events and other kids have a cheering throng of adoring extended family, and his kids don't?
He's envious (and maybe a little embarrassed?) when he attends events and other kids have a cheering throng of adoring extended family, and his kids don't?
OK I never thought about it that way, Clara, thank you.
But, THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm yelling at him, not you Clara)
I mean, he needs to get over that envy crap!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone, even your brother has different desires for what they want their family interactions to be. Maybe he wants his children to grow up valuing their own family and since your an important part of his growth he values you as a part of his children's development as well.
Your looking at this from the viewpoint that your brother is being selfish and wanting to prove something to others. But what about yourself? You are fine babysitting, but cross the line at events that might be signs of support for your niece/nephew. Maybe your brothers children have asked that you come to events and he's attempting to save them from receiving a blanket no from an relative they love and respect?
Being part of a family means there will always be times when it's not about you. It comes off a bit selfish on your part to try and do the bare minimum then get upset when people ask you for a bit more to validate you care about them. Children have events to share their talents and growth with their greater community which includes family. Trust me, they take note on those that are part of their celebrations and accomplishments which shapes their overall relationship with that individual.
You can continue looking at this with a "not my problem" attitude, but I would assume eventually your family will just move on from you entirely since their thinking "together" and you're thinking "myself". Being part of a family means doing things for family, not just for yourself. Your brother is thinking about his kids and wanting to share their lives and growth with you. You simply view it as a burden which it is, but as I said; when you have family in your life you sometimes do things that aren't just about you, it's about those you love.
Everyone, even your brother has different desires for what they want their family interactions to be. Maybe he wants his children to grow up valuing their own family and since your an important part of his growth he values you as a part of his children's development as well.
Your looking at this from the viewpoint that your brother is being selfish and wanting to prove something to others. But what about yourself? You are fine babysitting, but cross the line at events that might be signs of support for your niece/nephew. Maybe your brothers children have asked that you come to events and he's attempting to save them from receiving a blanket no from an relative they love and respect?
Being part of a family means there will always be times when it's not about you. It comes off a bit selfish on your part to try and do the bare minimum then get upset when people ask you for a bit more to validate you care about them. Children have events to share their talents and growth with their greater community which includes family. Trust me, they take note on those that are part of their celebrations and accomplishments which shapes their overall relationship with that individual.
You can continue looking at this with a "not my problem" attitude, but I would assume eventually your family will just move on from you entirely since their thinking "together" and you're thinking "myself". Being part of a family means doing things for family, not just for yourself. Your brother is thinking about his kids and wanting to share their lives and growth with you. You simply view it as a burden which it is, but as I said; when you have family in your life you sometimes do things that aren't just about you, it's about those you love.
OK. I understand what you are saying when it comes to "the kids want their uncle at events". But where is the "Being part of a family" handbook that says I need to attend school events and basically be at my brother's beck and call? I did not receive a copy of this handbook. I also did not choose to be born. Nor did I choose my family. Nor did I choose to be an uncle. Like I said, he should feel thankful, lucky and appreciative of having a brother that helps him with his kids and loves his kids as much as I do. He could also have no brother. Or a brother in prison. Or a brother on drugs. Or a brother that hates his guts and wants nothing to do with him or his kids.
It seems as though you are saying that "Being part of a family" gets to be defined by my brother, not by me? Why is he entitled to define what constitutes "being part of a family"? I put zero demands on him. He is putting demands on me. How is that appropriate?
You are absolutely right that "when you have family in your life you sometimes do things that aren't just about you, it's about those you love." And I do that all the time when I spend my rare and valuable time and money babysitting his kids for extended periods and taking them shopping or to the park or whatever. Monthly. Sometimes weekly.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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I would tell you brother you have a life too and it is not realistic that you can be at everything for your nieces and nephews. It is not like you live close and have ample free time to hang with his kids. You are being generous in babysitting them on a regular basis. You definitely have a right to have a life of your own and not wrap it up in his kids.
That's nuts. I'd tell him I am no longer coming over and helping out if he doesn't stop. You are way too nice. I am an aunt and my sister didn't ask me if I am there all the time to help out before she decided to have children. She has no right to expect that I am at her disposal all the time.
School activities?? Really?? Do you see alot of other uncles there? And is your brother there as well or are you the substitute dad while he is absent? His expectations are very unrealistic.
OK I never thought about it that way, Clara, thank you.
But, THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm yelling at him, not you Clara)
I mean, he needs to get over that envy crap!!!!!!!!!!
Kids probably love you, you’re their uncle. They probably state they wish you would come sometimes, I don’t think it’s s sense of entitlement. I think that’s an odd phrase to use about him wanting his kids uncle to watch their sports or shows. You certainly don’t have to but there’s no need to rage about it. Maybe tell him you’ll go to a game one week when you don’t have to babysit. I don’t go to all my great nieces and nephews stuff, and I know their mom wishes more people would go watch my great niece cheerlead because she likes having us watch her. I accept that she’d like me to go, without feeling like I have to. I wouldn’t call her entitled though for wanting that.
Your brother is delusional. If it were my brother behaving like that, he would be looking for a new babysitter and would only see me at major family celebrations. Whether I would choose to interact with him there would depend on my mood at the time as well as on his behavior.
You don't have to tolerate his outrageous demands on your time. It seems that nothing you do will ever be enough. You have a right to live your life as you see fit. Cut him loose and do what you want.
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