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He goes to parties or he goes to events and sees other people there with their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and he longs for that. And he longs for that for his kids too.
When I have had this discussion with him, he throws back "Don't tell me I should be grateful. When I go to school events I see everyone else's kids with their aunts, uncles, grandparents weekly. Why not our family?"
Is this really the case? Everyone else brings their whole extended family?
What I believe is that my brother thinks our family is dysfunctional. In other words, he has always dreamed of having this family where everyone does everything together. He goes to parties or he goes to events and sees other people there with their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and he longs for that. And he longs for that for his kids too.
I quite frankly don't want to hang around my brother very much BECAUSE he is so controlling and dictatorial and gets angry when things are not done his way. So I try to limit the time I spend around him. I spend a lot more time with his kids than with him. Now he is trying to dictate that I spend MORE time with his kids, or MORE time in family activities. Because, again, I think he longs to belong to one of those families where everyone is hanging out together weekly. He envies the people with families who are close-knit.
We are not close-knit, according to him.
But in my book, we ARE close-knit. I see him and his kids weekly. For a few hours at a time. He arbitrarily tells me "I'm dropping the kids at your house this weekend" without my permission.
No I don't want to go have dinner at his house every weekend. Or attend every school game. Or attend every party he throws.
I feel like with him, no matter how much time I spend with them, it's never enough.
When I have had this discussion with him, he throws back "Don't tell me I should be grateful. When I go to school events I see everyone else's kids with their aunts, uncles, grandparents weekly. Why not our family?"
None of this is your problem (except the "I'm dropping the kids at your house" part. Stop that one now. That is absolutely over the line). None of this is anything he can force other people to do (especially announcing he's dropping off the kids without asking first).
It is not your responsibility to fulfill your brother's fantasy of the perfect family life. His unreasonable expectations make it pretty clear that whatever anyone does to try to appease him will never solve the problem. There will always be something else.
You get to decide how to spend your time, no one else. People like your brother end up creating lifelong resentments and driving away the people they are trying to control. He's going to complain that whatever you're doing is not enough, anyway, so do as much as you feel you can and simply refuse to take delivery of his demands.
What I believe is that my brother thinks our family is dysfunctional. In other words, he has always dreamed of having this family where everyone does everything together. He goes to parties or he goes to events and sees other people there with their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and he longs for that. And he longs for that for his kids too.
I quite frankly don't want to hang around my brother very much BECAUSE he is so controlling and dictatorial and gets angry when things are not done his way. So I try to limit the time I spend around him. I spend a lot more time with his kids than with him. Now he is trying to dictate that I spend MORE time with his kids, or MORE time in family activities. Because, again, I think he longs to belong to one of those families where everyone is hanging out together weekly. He envies the people with families who are close-knit.
We are not close-knit, according to him.
But in my book, we ARE close-knit. I see him and his kids weekly. For a few hours at a time. He arbitrarily tells me "I'm dropping the kids at your house this weekend" without my permission.
No I don't want to go have dinner at his house every weekend. Or attend every school game. Or attend every party he throws.
I feel like with him, no matter how much time I spend with them, it's never enough.
When I have had this discussion with him, he throws back "Don't tell me I should be grateful. When I go to school events I see everyone else's kids with their aunts, uncles, grandparents weekly. Why not our family?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter
I think you need to be strict especially on this part. If he just brings the kids by without your permission, say no I’ll need you to ask from now on and close the door.
"He arbitrarily tells me "I'm dropping the kids at your house this weekend" without my permission." Man, oh man! You have to stop that behavior. You are the uncle not the parent. Sheesh!
"When I go to school events I see everyone else's kids with their aunts, uncles, grandparents weekly." I was an elementary school teacher for over 40 years. And, I certainly did NOT see extended families attend school events on a weekly basis. Yes, grandparents (if they lived in the area) usually attended a few school events a year and maybe a couple of aunts & uncles attended a once a year major event like the holiday concert. But, I rarely, rarely saw extended families attend school events on a regular basis. The few exceptions, were extended families that lived together. For example, one, two or three adult children and their young children lived with Mom & Dad, and the whole family was like one family unit (sometimes even great-grandparents or other relatives lived in the same house), but in my decades of teaching I only saw that a few times. Maybe your brother lives in a neighborhood where there are a lot of these extended family members who live together and those are the people that he sees at school events (weekly).
Why don't you tell him what you told us? But maybe nicer, than how you told us.
I get it. You don't want to spend every waking hour attending all these child centered events. But you know...maybe he just likes your company, and would find the whole thing more enjoyable, to spend it with family. (And IMO, if you two live close enough to each other (and apparently you do) I think you SHOULD attend birthday parties. These are your nieces and/or nephews. People you love, I assume.
May I expand on your limited view. They are..your relatives too. Not just "his kids".
He didn't get your handbook either of what you define to be your "giving spirit".
Good lordy you both are ingrates. Him for not "asking" if you wish to attend or giving you the adult choice to decide. Or for you to boast how you watch them and get little recognition. It's the old...he doesn't appreciate the sacrifices I make. So often said by house wives who "sacrificed" their career to raise "his"kids. Despite them being her responsibility too. Not that you are legally obligated in any way to associate with relatives.
Be direct with your brother. Establish healthy boundaries in what can and cannot be assumed.
These relatives being minors deserve relatives who "wish" to be a positive influence. They watch how you adults resolve conflict or perpetuate it. They end up getting the short stick in all this because they sense your angst and probably sense their parent isn't available to them.
Give up or cut down on the babysitting. Babysitting smacks of obligation.
Instead be more of a 'proud' and supportive uncle by going to some of the activities where you actually clap or cheer the kids on. To me that sends more of a message that you want and choose to be there for their little triumphs, rather than having to be with them because you are their babysitter.
Is this really the case? Everyone else brings their whole extended family?
I go to my nephews softball games, soccer games, etc. Not every one certainly. but some during the season and if they make the playoffs I feel I should go to root the kids on. Why wouldn’t aunts, cousins etc go if they live nearby and it’s a relatively close family? It’s not everyone, but lots of kids have people aside from parents there.
None of this is your problem (except the "I'm dropping the kids at your house" part. Stop that one now. That is absolutely over the line). None of this is anything he can force other people to do (especially announcing he's dropping off the kids without asking first).
It is not your responsibility to fulfill your brother's fantasy of the perfect family life. His unreasonable expectations make it pretty clear that whatever anyone does to try to appease him will never solve the problem. There will always be something else.
You get to decide how to spend your time, no one else. People like your brother end up creating lifelong resentments and driving away the people they are trying to control. He's going to complain that whatever you're doing is not enough, anyway, so do as much as you feel you can and simply refuse to take delivery of his demands.
I think this is exactly on point. This is exactly how I feel.
It is not your responsibility to fulfill your brother's fantasy of the perfect family life.
I think your brother wants something he does not feel he has, which is a large supportive extended family. So, he is trying to force you into a role you aren’t prepared to play.
IMO, he should not be relying on you to babysit at a moment’s notice. You have my permission to tell him you can’t babysit next time he makes that assumption. If you want to babysit, then by all means, do so. But you are allowed to have your own life. If you don’t want to babysit, you can tell him you can’t.
Next, don’t go to the kids’ school events unless you want to. You might want to be there for an occasional athletic event, special award presentation, or recital. But as the norm, you simply don’t have to go. I sat through many young kids’ school programs. Believe me, parents are there as a part of their parenting role. If you are not a parent or doting grandparent, then these events are totally boring.
If you have trouble setting boundaries with your demanding brother, seek counseling help or find a book about setting personal boundaries, and learn how to set and enforce them. It will feel uncomfortable to do at first. But you can do it.
Long story short: you are being bullied by your brother.
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