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Ugh. I was a stay at home Mom and loved it— adored my kids, but really was never very enthusiastic about going to after school stuff ... plays, concerts,etc. I would never try to guilt my sibling into attending. Why should we both suffer?
This is particularly uninformed. There are a lot of people who work weekends, I’m one of them. Not everyone works a 9-5 mon-fri schedule. This is a reality for a lot of uncles and aunts. Ideally they can make an event on a very occasional basis but the OP’s situation sounds like a controlling brother hellbent on essentially being parent number three and OP is not willing to accept that role.
Skipping the part where I said not everyone has to do this. It’s a choice. Again, we all live close to each other. I’m not arguing that everyone should do this I don’t know why people seem to feel I am. Again, I was responding to a poster who asked with increduloulty if extended families actually do this.
I wasn’t actually asking for reasons. It’s like if someone said “would you like a piece of chocolate cake?” And I said “sure why wouldn’t I?”I’m not really asking for a list of all the reasons someone would decline chocolate cake. Again someone asked if extended families actually do things like this and I said “sure they do, why wouldn’t they?” You’re taking a phrase too literally.
What you said is more like if someone asked if everyone wanted a piece of cake and you replied "why wouldn't they". You can speak for yourself rhetorically, but when you speak for "they" you put those on the spot who wouldn't having to defend their reasons why not. It is also pointless to say many do or don't to OP, his problem is he doesn't wish to and wants his brother to respect this not I do or don't.
To answer OP's problem, you need to discuss with your brother in a non judgmental way that you simply do not have the time to go to their weekly games but would be happy to go if it was a tournament or their graduation from High School. Where are your parents in this? Don't they go or do they live far away?
My brother is constantly complaining to me that I don't attend school activities, games, birthday parties for his kids. I already spend vast amounts of time with his kids every month (I babysit for him a lot), and I don't feel like I should have to attend those things (which involve parking, dealing with crowds, and other inconveniences). I have no kids. So going to school games and other things is extra annoying to me..
Been there, done that. I don't attend my friend's childrens activities anymore. I'm not interested. I don't expect them to attend my child's performances or sports. That stuff is stupid and boring.
I recently got an invitation to a friend's son's college graduation. We had attended his high school graduation four years earlier, and the college graduation was in a city about a 3 hour drive. I knew they would be but hurt if we didn't go, but I threw the invitation in the trash before my husband saw it. (Because I knew he'd want to go and also force me to go). Why would I drive a 6 hour round trip to sit through a graduation ceremony that is boring and probably goes on for hours? I don't want to nor would I force anyone to do the same for me. I'm not sure why kids these days need an entourage to attend everything they do as though they were celebrities.
I think your Brother isn't entitled, he's insecure. .
I think he's also too cheap to hire a paid babysitter.
And there is also the issue of no reciprocity in this relationship; because the OP has no kids, the brother can't reciprocate by attending OP's children's events or babysitting OP's children because those children don't exist. Good relationships do require reciprocity and when everything is all take and no give, the other person can become resentful, whether that's an appropriate feeling or not doesn't matter.
OP, is your brother married? Where is the kids' mom in all this?
Anyway, regardless of that, this is my opinion:
1) Your brother should not be assuming he can just drop kids off with you willy nilly any weekend he wants, to baby sit for hours. And you should not be allowing this. I mean, I'm glad you want to see the kids and spend time with them, but you don't have to be a doormat for your brother in order to do this. YOU set the time to get together with them. Or YOU agree to a certain time each week if this works best for you, and just stick with it - but the key is that it has to work for YOU. And your brother should never be allowed to just assume you'll babysit. This is his fault but it's also your fault.
2) I have gone to so many after school things with kids that it makes me head spin. Listen, these were MY kids (and sometimes grandkids) and even then it was tolerable at best. I certainly wouldn't dream of insisting anyone else come along. Now - I would invite my mom or whoever for special events - for instance, a Mother's Day program where I knew grandmothers would be honored, or a special play or something like that - but I don't recall one time being OFFENDED if some family member opted not to come along. I never "expected it" of them. That's just weird in my opinion.
This is particularly uninformed. There are a lot of people who work weekends, I’m one of them. Not everyone works a 9-5 mon-fri schedule. This is a reality for a lot of uncles and aunts. Ideally they can make an event on a very occasional basis but the OP’s situation sounds like a controlling brother hellbent on essentially being parent number three and OP is not willing to accept that role.
And essentially, this is the bottom line. Brother is being over-bearing and trying to bend sibling to his will.
In my extended family, we DO go to each other's birthday parties, and to the parties of nieces and nephews. We don't all live in the same town...but we DO that.
In Ocnjgirl's case, she has the time and the inclination to hang with family to do these kind of things, and apparently she lives close enough to family to do these things. That's cool. If I lived close enough to all my siblings, I would love to have the spur of the moment, "Hey, let's all do this or that." Or "Jennie has her first ever tball game, want to come?"
But most of us are kinda of spread around the St. Louis metro area, so it's just not so easy to be spur of the moment. I wish it was that easy for us all to get together on the fly like that. It would be nice.
To answer OP's problem, you need to discuss with your brother in a non judgmental way that you simply do not have the time to go to their weekly games but would be happy to go if it was a tournament or their graduation from High School. Where are your parents in this? Don't they go or do they live far away?
I was wondering about the OP's parents, too. And what about the other set of grandparents and the aunts and uncles on their mother's side? Does your brother insist that they ALL attend his children's school events? Does he drop off the kids at his parents house and his MIL & FIL's house and his sister-in-law and brother-in-laws houses for them to babysit? Wow, if he does that, when is he doing the parenting? Or does he just focus on you to babysit and attend school events?
This is particularly uninformed. There are a lot of people who work weekends, I’m one of them. Not everyone works a 9-5 mon-fri schedule. This is a reality for a lot of uncles and aunts. Ideally they can make an event on a very occasional basis but the OP’s situation sounds like a controlling brother hellbent on essentially being parent number three and OP is not willing to accept that role.
And even if you don't work weekends, I think it's reasonable to want some time for yourself on a Saturday morning after working a 50 hour week, plus commuting. The thought of having to spend Saturdays at some kids' soccer game fills me with dread. One of the (many) reasons I didn't have kids was because I have no interest in these things. I want to do the things that I want to do, ride a horse, hike with my dogs, sleep late and, oh I don't know, grocery shop, get my hair cut, clean my house, catch up on stuff I don't have time to do during the week.
My sister had this arrogance that we didn't genuflect to her kids enough. Like the fact that she had children meant that no one else's lives mattered. I went to what I could, which wasn't much living across the country and sent them gifts for holidays and birthdays. But sorry, my precious vacation time is for me, so schlepping across the country to sleep on your couch so I can attend a kid's birthday party and watch a soccer game, is not something that I'm interested in doing, no thanks.
I would say that your brother should consider himself VERY fortunate that you do so much babysitting gratis for him!
IMO his expectation that you attend all of the events his kids have is just ridiculous. I love my niece and nephew but I am not going to go to every event that they are involved in--and neither of my siblings expects this. A reasonable amount of involvement is particularly special times such as graduation from high school/college or birthdays.
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