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So have these other friends in the group, the original friends, actually called you crazy for pointing out that you were left out? Or was that another situation with other people?
If not ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by SundayADX
We have a birthday coming up this week for one of us and I'd honestly rather not go. It's happened a few times now, plus my kid now being left out, that if this group isn't going to say, "Let's call and double check" and take the initiative even just once to see if I am 'flaking out' like the 'friend' is making it seem, and just go with what the 'friend' says, then I guess I need new friends.
... why can't you call the one you are closest to and say, "Look, I know it sounds weird, but New Friend has been deliberately telling y'all that I have been unable to hang out when I never knew about these dates in the first place."
I'm nervous about missing So and So's birthday because I really want to celebrate with you all, so will you please do me a favor and let me know the plans? I'm worried that if I rely on New Friend to tell me, I'll just get left off the list again. Thanks..."
I completely agree, but I think I'd soften the "why didn't you call me" to, "have I somehow fallen off the text/email thread?" And then mention it happened another time, and you'd thought at the time it was purely an oversight, except the leader mentioned to someone else that she had said you were busy.
OP - is there some reason there's friction between you two? Do your children not get along with her children?
No, no friction. Our children love each other from what I see- and I see them with the mom, as well as without.
It's honestly a head scratcher for me. I really feel as though this woman who I brought into the group because she was telling me that she was lonely, has no reason to not like me and want to push me out. I am a very amicable person and very self aware of how I make others feel and cannot for the life of me come up with anything that I or my kid did that would have negatively affected them in any way.
It's all just weird.
My mother-in-law, is saying it's simple jealousy. She thinks that this woman envies how I started getting all the women together and really 'watered' this group to be what it is, and she doesn't want me there to compete for attention. Which sounds absurd to me.
My husband says "Find new friends" and stay friendly but don't invest any more beyond our kids friendships because not reciprocating or saying 'Where were you?' is some sort of writing on the wall.
So have these other friends in the group, the original friends, actually called you crazy for pointing out that you were left out? Or was that another situation with other people?
If not ...
... why can't you call the one you are closest to and say, "Look, I know it sounds weird, but New Friend has been deliberately telling y'all that I have been unable to hang out when I never knew about these dates in the first place."
I'm nervous about missing So and So's birthday because I really want to celebrate with you all, so will you please do me a favor and let me know the plans? I'm worried that if I rely on New Friend to tell me, I'll just get left off the list again. Thanks..."
Oh, no. I have had experience with a person like this, in a group setting, and feel she is also gaslighting and I would appear to be crazy to the others by her denial because it all seems innocent to them, but I don't think I am wrong that she intentionally doing these things. I do not think they would call me crazy. But I worry that she has so many chances to control the narrative that I don't know about now, and she comes across as so innocent to others. I have noticed that she finds common things to "love" with the others and will compliment people even if it seems kind of insincere, to sort of manipulate their impression of her, if that makes sense.
Talk to the other members by phone and voice your concerns and feelings about what is going on. Reach out to every member of the group except her. If she tries to engage you, give her the cold shoulder. See what happens. Maybe some others in the group have misgivings too. If your "friends" back her over you, find other friends, or start a new sub group. I agree this happens with women of all ages. Some sort of competition to be top dog I guess. I haven't seen anything similar with groups of men friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SundayADX
Haven't dealt with this type of issue in a long time- probably thirty years. Thanks for bearing with me if you read the question/problem.
In an existing friend group of two years that has been growing a little bit stronger, a new person has joined us. She initially seemed eager to please and I thought it was insecurity, but it seems a little weirder than that as time goes on. She has found a way to create and coordinate activities, leaving me out. For example, lunches we used to all talk about together, she will now take upon herself to schedule and sort of presents it as she doesn't mind doing the leg work for reservations, etc, and as though she is saving everyone time/trouble. She 'offers' this effort always conveniently when I am not around. She will then 'forget' to tell me, or say 'We thought you were busy'- it's been clear now after the second time she said that, that she led the group to believe she reached out to me and I told her I was busy, which explains (maybe a little bit) the others not asking why I am not there.
Usually after lunches, we will end up doing some shopping. When I miss these afternoons she will find ways to work into conversation aspects of their shopping that seem to be a passive swipe at me not being there. For example, "Jen, remember that woman that said we could stop by..." or " Kate, that pink shirt looked great, you should go back to get it". It's never relevant to conversation- she will just blurt it out randomly, and it's a pattern that leads me to believe that it is an effort from her to point out I missed getting together with everyone.
To add to this, all of our kids used to play, and she's begun coordinating get togethers that aren't the average playdate (I get it, not everyone always plays together) like days out to movies or pool parties, and leaving my kid out- also leading the other friends to think we are busy and that's why my kid hasn't been around.
The pattern that she is beginning to establish is that she is the common denominator in us always seeming too 'busy' to be around. Which hurts, that the other friends just believe this and don't think to ask themselves.
I'm non-confrontational, and have experience with a relationship like this in the past... Usually when you do say to someone like this that what they're doing seems intentional, they will just deny it and make you look crazy when they say they have nothing against you or that you are coming up with or imagining this stuff out of nowhere.
I am conscientious enough to think I would see this happening to a friend and step in to support. The women that have been part of this group now for two years is smart, and I find it hard to believe they would not see what is happening, but she is busy flattering all of them so maybe their egos feel fulfilled by her and so they therefore don't see it.
I guess I wonder whether, with friendships that have been forming for two years, if it's worth it to confront her anyway and risk being the crazy one, or move on from this cordially and gently back away and find relationships that don't seem to be nourished by flattery, but more aware of others.
For what it's worth, old friendships don't exist where I am. I moved two years ago and all of us that have been becoming friends in this group are all new to our area and all moved in within about six months of each other, and all wanted to make friends. This group was growing before I met her, BUT I was the one that brought this woman in (only three months ago when she started crossing my path) trying to help her establish friends because she would tell me the couple of times I met her how since moving here, too, she hadn't made friends yet (which makes this feel even more like it's adding insult to injury).
If this were happening with my kid, and she came to me for advice, I'd tell her she were dealing with a mean girl and to back off because the group isn't that great if they can't step outside themselves to see/piece together what is happening, and to gracefully back off while forming new friendships. Is it possible for adult women to be mean girls??
Is there a chance they all are aware that you weren't invited and don't want you to hang out?
Absolutely have considered that maybe there's simply something unlikable about me that they all see. Not everybody gets along, and that's Ok. When I was younger I would work hard to force friendships (as a way to be a people pleaser) but as I have aged I don't feel the need to anymore. Experience does that.
But, then why all remain friends so long up until the past three months? Why did they bother making an effort all that time, when they could have left me out long ago and established that dozens of time until now? Did it take this one woman to come around, and maybe she said something, so it's a group effort?
Maybe that's the case. Maybe they just needed one person to "step up" and cut me off. She came around three.months ago, and that's when this began and has been escalating since.
If that's true, which I will deal with, it will hurt just a little bit more because I was the one who went person to person to gather us all and establish all these friendships. They have all commented in the past that they were glad they met me, because otherwise they wouldn't know each other. I love introducing people, and always feel "the more the merrier". So to be pushed out of a group I wanted to nuture just stinks.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SundayADX
Absolutely have considered that maybe there's simply something unlikable about me that they all see. Not everybody gets along, and that's Ok. When I was younger I would work hard to force friendships (as a way to be a people pleaser) but as I have aged I don't feel the need to anymore. Experience does that.
But, then why all remain friends so long up until the past three months? Why did they bother making an effort all that time, when they could have left me out long ago and established that dozens of time until now? Did it take this one woman to come around, and maybe she said something, so it's a group effort?
Maybe that's the case. Maybe they just needed one person to "step up" and cut me off. She came around three.months ago, and that's when this began and has been escalating since.
If that's true, which I will deal with, it will hurt just a little bit more because I was the one who went person to person to gather us all and establish all these friendships. They have all commented in the past that they were glad they met me, because otherwise they wouldn't know each other. I love introducing people, and always feel "the more the merrier". So to be pushed out of a group I wanted to nuture just stinks.
Sunday, while that's possible, it's not likely.
What's likely is this one woman sees you as the dominant leader in the group and she wants to be that. And there's no better way to do that than ask to "serve" as the detail planner and push you out.
Talk to the other members by phone and voice your concerns and feelings about what is going on. Reach out to every member of the group except her. If she tries to engage you, give her the cold shoulder. See what happens. Maybe some others in the group have misgivings too. If your "friends" back her over you, find other friends, or start a new sub group. I agree this happens with women of all ages. Some sort of competition to be top dog I guess. I haven't seen anything similar with groups of men friends.
In a way, I feel as though I am getting the "cold shoulder". And they don't see that, it seems. So if I do that, I know she is the type who will say something to the effect that I am doing that, which will make ME look inconsiderate. I'd prefer just not to do that, because I think it's worse than just feeling confused now.
I mentioned before, I think she manipulates people so they like her, and she is to a degree gaslighting me. Which means, I will be the mean/cold/crazy one if I mention her behavior when she doesn't do it to anyone else and she has done these things that she can say make her 'innocent' enough on her part. Hmm
They thought you were busy, so they didn't question your absence. Just reach out to a couple of the people in the group and ask them to let you know when there's another event going on. I wouldn't even mention your suspicions that one is intentionally trying to exclude you.
I believe you that woman is playing games and is trying to get rid of you. If she is more powerful than you, then yes, you will look like the "crazy" one for mentioning to the others that she's purposefully doing this. So best to play the game covertly and tactfully.
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