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After you have missed a lunch or outing have you talked to another group member and asked them about it? "Sally, I just heard that all of you met for lunch on Thursday. I was home all day, why didn't you call me?"
If Sally says, "Mary said that she called you and that you were busy." You can mention that Mary never called you.
Or mention to your closest friend in the group that "there must have been a mix-up" no one called you about the last few outings and ask her to call or text you about the next one.
Or you can plan the next outing or play date. That way you know that you will have the correct information.
This sounds good to me. DO NOT confront the perp. You will get no where and she will up her deceit to make you look bad. I am sorry you are going through this.
The more I read, the more I think that the concern you have is not this 'friend'. It's that you feel like maybe the other members of the group are/were on board with pushing you out. There is no way to know unless you talk to one of them. I get not wanting to. I guess you have to decide if it's worth pursuing.
I have a feeling this woman is living in a place of extreme insecurity. Not that you should have to suffer because of it. Possibly over time, the group will tire of her and push her out.
These friends sound both horrible and really really boring.
Find some people who want to do more than eat lunch and go shopping.
I think you are on to something zentropa.
Perhaps start a book club or something else that interests you and only invite a select group of women, perhaps including a subset of the former group. Sometimes it better to start something new than to get into a battle of wits with the old. Have you explored any meet up groups?
These friends sound both horrible and really really boring.
Find some people who want to do more than eat lunch and go shopping.
This one made me laugh. Not in a mean way.
We actually do all have our other hobbies/interests and things to do, and people to do them with.
This has become a set of brainless/relaxing/indulging activities to share among a group of moms whose children are also friends. These afternoons now and then get us away from the rest of what we do, that's all, because we all "stay at home" right now, which requires giving of ourselves most of the time to others' needs (which we chose, don't get me wrong- but we also deserve to do something 'boring' with a group that shares this in common).
Some people do girls nights or guys nights at a bar, we lunch and go shopping because it's the easiest for everyone and not something any of us do with other people regularly.
Last edited by SundayADX; 11-04-2019 at 08:55 AM..
Perhaps start a book club or something else that interests you and only invite a select group of women, perhaps including a subset of the former group. Sometimes it better to start something new than to get into a battle of wits with the old. Have you explored any meet up groups?
I agree, this is on to something. It's easy to want to put more into a group that has already been established because it feels comfortable, but I did it (got people together) before!
I do have other things going on that I could put more attention to. I volunteer for a food bank and I also am in courses right now to further my education and get a second degree in preparation for going back to work in a few years... I could always find people that I have the latter in common with and join a study or "meet up" there. Just weird to think to do that when the 'peers' in my classes are 25 years younger- I don't know anyone that age that wants to hang out with a mom in their 40's with a few kids. With the food bank, the rest of the people are my grandparents age and I don't have as much to relate to there on a 'hang out' basis. Out of our group, I actually have more options for branching out, so I should take advantage of that.
Last edited by SundayADX; 11-04-2019 at 09:08 AM..
I agree, this is on to something. It's easy to want to put more into a group that has already been established because it feels comfortable, but I did it (got people together) before!
I do have other things going on that I could put more attention to. I volunteer for a food bank and I also am in courses right now to further my education and get a second degree in preparation for going back to work in a few years... I could always find people that I have the latter in common with and join a study or "meet up" there. Just weird to think to do that when the 'peers' in my classes are 25 years younger- I don't know anyone that age that wants to hang out with a mom in their 40's with a few kids. With the food bank, the rest of the people are my grandparents age and I don't have as much to relate to there on a 'hang out' basis. Our of our group, I actually have more options for branching out, so I should take advantage of that.
Yes, I was thinking you should branch out and reach for more people. If you're still close to the other friends then continue to interact with them. Time to move on away from the manipulator, I'm willing to bet she's going to get to a point where she's going to feel a need to ingratiate you just to be in your good graces. (Obviously don't bother, you already know what will happen.)
The more I read, the more I think that the concern you have is not this 'friend'. It's that you feel like maybe the other members of the group are/were on board with pushing you out. There is no way to know unless you talk to one of them. I get not wanting to. I guess you have to decide if it's worth pursuing.
I have a feeling this woman is living in a place of extreme insecurity. Not that you should have to suffer because of it. Possibly over time, the group will tire of her and push her out.
Yes...
If the others just watch it happen, maybe I'm not valued the way I have been valuing them. Which is telling, and will be a good judge to move on.
The one friend who seemed confused that I wasn't busy when the 'friend' jumped in to say I was, and I said " No I was home"- I think she was picking up on this. She is even less confrontational than I am. (This is mentioned earlier in the thread, I realize it's getting long to read now.) She didn't speak up after being cut off by the 'friend'- granted, I wasn't more firm either at the time, and it's up to me to be firm. I would have asked to clarify right then if the shoe was on the other foot... I am great speaking up for others, not very good at doing it for myself and something I have tried to work on for years. I need to just do it, like others said.
Extreme insecurity, like I have never seen. I started this thread by saying I don't think I have seen this in thirty years... I don't know if I ever have, at all. It really is playground stuff. Another friend that I asked for advice from back where I used to live about this said, "This is why I never stayed at home with my kids! It's Stepford drama!". That got a great laugh!
Last edited by SundayADX; 11-04-2019 at 09:23 AM..
I understand your situation. I have run into this kind of woman before and have been the target. Mine was in the workplace and we shared an office so there was no way for me to separate myself from her but all of it is familiar, the gaslighting especially. My coworkers were oblivious to it and believed a lot of the lies she told them. It was only after I left that she chose a new target and they finally became aware.
Trust your instincts. I highly doubt the other women in the group are aware that this woman is treating you this way. If you feel comfortable, speak up when they talk about outings and state that you wish you had been invited. You could even talk to the women you feel closest to one on one and let them know what has been going on. You mentioned that you are an empath and that is most likely why you are being targeted. I bet if you left the group, she’d start targeting someone else. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
Yes, I was thinking you should branch out and reach for more people. If you're still close to the other friends then continue to interact with them. Time to move on away from the manipulator, I'm willing to bet she's going to get to a point where she's going to feel a need to ingratiate you just to be in your good graces. (Obviously don't bother, you already know what will happen.)
Ingratiate. Yes, I mentioned she has done that once. She's done these bizarre/exclusionary things, but then asked me (earlier in thread) for parenting advice for her two sons, because her older two are girls, and she was saying my husband and I have done such a great job with our son so 'please tell me how you do it, I really don't know'.
She cuts me out often, then compliments me once. I think she's trying to make me feel insecure and in a way control my emotions in the group. (Ugh- it is working apparently.) Why else 'play' with a person like that? Knock me down a few times, help me up once so I trust her, so she can knock me down more. Why would someone be like this when they're grown? So strange.
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Out of our group, I actually have more options for branching out, so I should take advantage of that.
