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I understand your situation. I have run into this kind of woman before and have been the target. Mine was in the workplace and we shared an office so there was no way for me to separate myself from her but all of it is familiar, the gaslighting especially. My coworkers were oblivious to it and believed a lot of the lies she told them. It was only after I left that she chose a new target and they finally became aware.
Trust your instincts. I highly doubt the other women in the group are aware that this woman is treating you this way. If you feel comfortable, speak up when they talk about outings and state that you wish you had been invited. You could even talk to the women you feel closest to one on one and let them know what has been going on. You mentioned that you are an empath and that is most likely why you are being targeted. I bet if you left the group, she’d start targeting someone else. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
I'm sorry you went through this too. It's mind bending, and really dangerous to one's self-esteem when questioning what is reality!
Thank you for the advice and encouragement. It's been a little risky for me to ask strangers when my lifelong friends have said the same things, but I wanted to branch out this question- maybe I wondered a little, that they're not just biased because they love me. Ha ha ha. Nice to know the internet can be nice.
I think you should invite your women friends over to the house without the problem one. Tell them, at the event, that you would have been happy to have been invited to any of these other events, but that you were not told about them, and that, no, you were not busy. Tell them exactly what this woman is doing - and tell them that they're fools to think that one of them won't be her next target. Tell your friends that you value their friendship, don't want to lose them, but that high school is over, and you're not interested in playing mean girl games. That it is up to them if they want to let this woman push you out. Plan another even with them, before they leave.
As soon as they leave, invite this woman to meet you somewhere for coffee. Assuming she does, tell her you're on to her, that you've already told everyone exactly what is going on. Tell her to cut it out, and act like a human being, or find some other target to pick on, some other group of friends to destroy.
And then continue to invite your friends to do things together. And see whether she decides to behave or continues. Also, I'd suggest you make some new friends, entirely outside this group, and see them individually. The nice thing about having young children is that it's often easy to make new friends through the kids.
The part I bolded, I think is a good idea. But with a twist. Go ahead and invite the problem child to your house as well. When you have them all together, tell them how good it is to see everyone again, and that SOMEHOW you've not gotten the last several notifications about getting together, and you've just missed everyone so much, and how happy you are to see everyone. Then look straight at problem child and say "I think somehow I dropped off the email list. I haven't gotten the last several notifications of meet ups. Can you add me back on (and then look at another friend) and can YOU make sure to forward the emails to me in case problem child forgets? Thanks!"
Don't be calling anyone fools. These are your friends, and calling them names will not help anything.
Also...I'm not sure it's wise to call anyone out so directly. I'm afraid it WILL make you look like you're paranoid.
I dealt with a similar situation with a woman at work. I feel your pain. In my case, one of the people in the group saw what was going on, and made a point of including me, and it kind of back fired on the mean girl.
I am honestly not sure I'd want to try to continue friendships with this group but that doesn't mean I'm hating on all of them - it just doesn't seem like a particularly close group of friends.
But if you want to continue the friendships, I'd recommend the following (and sorry, I haven't read the whole thread so maybe these have already been mentioned):
1) Does the group use social media for communicating? If so, I'd make it clear that you have not been receiving messages or updates about upcoming plans. Then I would ask a different woman in the group to please be sure you get notifications.
2) I love the idea of just bringing it out in the open, no accusations, just saying IN THE GROUP with the "offending woman" present "Wow, I don't know how it happened, but apparently I'm not getting messages so I want to be sure that everyone knows how to reach me."
3) With the offending woman, I'd pull her aside and say to her, "You know what - somehow I'm not getting your messages. Maybe you're assuming I'm too busy to respond or whatever, but that's not the case at all. I want to be included in future plans. Here, let's do this - you try to send me a message right this minute on your phone, and let's see if I get it. If so, we know it works - if not, we need to come up with another plan I guess."
See, I am on the board of a particular organization but for some weird reason, the firewall of that board blocks all emails from the office to me. I have no idea why. But it's not intentional. It's just something we had to figure out and navigate around. Also, my husband has an iPhone and I have an Android and sometimes photos and messages don't get through between us. Once again, I have no idea why. And it's both ways, not just coming from him to me.
I you want a name for what this woman is doing it’s called relational aggression. It’s covert, underhanded bullying. In addition to excluding you, there’s a strong chance she’s either planting seeds of doubt or will start planting seeds of doubt about you within your friend group.
If the others just watch it happen, maybe I'm not valued the way I have been valuing them. Which is telling, and will be a good judge to move on.
The one friend who seemed confused that I wasn't busy when the 'friend' jumped in to say I was, and I said " No I was home"- I think she was picking up on this. She is even less confrontational than I am. (This is mentioned earlier in the thread, I realize it's getting long to read now.) She didn't speak up after being cut off by the 'friend'- granted, I wasn't more firm either at the time, and it's up to me to be firm. I would have asked to clarify right then if the shoe was on the other foot... I am great speaking up for others, not very good at doing it for myself and something I have tried to work on for years. I need to just do it, like others said.
Extreme insecurity, like I have never seen. I started this thread by saying I don't think I have seen this in thirty years... I don't know if I ever have, at all. It really is playground stuff. Another friend that I asked for advice from back where I used to live about this said, "This is why I never stayed at home with my kids! It's Stepford drama!". That got a great laugh!
Every time I watch an of the Housewives (my guilty pleasure), I say this is why I don't have tons of women friends. No interest in the drama. But I had to stop watching because of all the fighting. As a SAHM, I get wanting a mindless thing to do to pass some time. You don't have to do something for humankind ALL the time.
Every time I watch an of the Housewives (my guilty pleasure), I say this is why I don't have tons of women friends. No interest in the drama. But I had to stop watching because of all the fighting. As a SAHM, I get wanting a mindless thing to do to pass some time. You don't have to do something for humankind ALL the time.
So funny, I watch some of them too. Not always, but sometimes. It's a good show when everyone else has gone to bed to unwind to- more mindless junk, a guilty pleasure. And maybe horrible, but makes me feel like I actually have healthy relationships compared to some of the women on those shows! I would HAVE to make money for someone to put me in the situations they are in. I hope they make a good paycheck.
I you want a name for what this woman is doing it’s called relational aggression. It’s covert, underhanded bullying. In addition to excluding you, there’s a strong chance she’s either planting seeds of doubt or will start planting seeds of doubt about you within your friend group.
Oh, I've never heard of that term. But yes, I've been afraid that she can control the message about me when I am not around and plant seeds of doubt to the rest about me. They've already had plenty of chances for that to happen that I find out after the fact.
Which is where I wonder, is it worth it to "fight" this out, or just distance myself slowly and cordially and protect, in a way, myself? It's going to take more effort to try and get around this and hash it out than I feel inclined to give, because in a way I think she wants to invite drama and what it will cause for the group- if I start this 'conversation' among us, then immediately she is on the defense while everyone else becomes involved and I have to justify or prove my perception of her behavior- and she can just sit there and deny.
Oh, I've never heard of that term. But yes, I've been afraid that she can control the message about me when I am not around and plant seeds of doubt to the rest about me. They've already had plenty of chances for that to happen that I find out after the fact.
Which is where I wonder, is it worth it to "fight" this out, or just distance myself slowly and cordially and protect, in a way, myself? It's going to take more effort to try and get around this and hash it out than I feel inclined to give, because in a way I think she wants to invite drama and what it will cause for the group- if I start this 'conversation' among us, then immediately she is on the defense while everyone else becomes involved and I have to justify or prove my perception of her behavior- and she can just sit there and deny.
I totally understand your dilemma. Very recently I started to get involved with a group of women and I clicked with quite a few and liked most everyone but I got a weird vibe from one who would repeatedly forget my name, cut me off mid-sentence, acted bossy and somewhat controlling towards me, etc. I decided it wasn’t worth it so I cut ties with the group. I still talk to a few of the women individually but have nothing to do with the group as a whole. It’s much harder for you because you have had these friendships for two years. You could just make plans one on one with the women who you really like and connect the most with and just write off all group activities. I have a feeling they will figure things out sooner or later. If you want to stay with the group, you could start by talking one on one to the woman who you think was seeing through the story about you being busy when you weren’t.
It could be as simple as they aren’t comfortable with confrontation either so they just stay out of it. I like Germaine’s idea of being proactive about it.
Also, are you organizing anything? Maybe pull everyone together yourself a few times, see if that helps getting things back in track.
is all the planning done by email chain? if so it should be obvious to all that your email address is left out
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Nice to know the internet can be nice.
