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Haven't dealt with this type of issue in a long time- probably thirty years. Thanks for bearing with me if you read the question/problem.
In an existing friend group of two years that has been growing a little bit stronger, a new person has joined us. She initially seemed eager to please and I thought it was insecurity, but it seems a little weirder than that as time goes on. She has found a way to create and coordinate activities, leaving me out. For example, lunches we used to all talk about together, she will now take upon herself to schedule and sort of presents it as she doesn't mind doing the leg work for reservations, etc, and as though she is saving everyone time/trouble. She 'offers' this effort always conveniently when I am not around. She will then 'forget' to tell me, or say 'We thought you were busy'- it's been clear now after the second time she said that, that she led the group to believe she reached out to me and I told her I was busy, which explains (maybe a little bit) the others not asking why I am not there.
Usually after lunches, we will end up doing some shopping. When I miss these afternoons she will find ways to work into conversation aspects of their shopping that seem to be a passive swipe at me not being there. For example, "Jen, remember that woman that said we could stop by..." or " Kate, that pink shirt looked great, you should go back to get it". It's never relevant to conversation- she will just blurt it out randomly, and it's a pattern that leads me to believe that it is an effort from her to point out I missed getting together with everyone.
To add to this, all of our kids used to play, and she's begun coordinating get togethers that aren't the average playdate (I get it, not everyone always plays together) like days out to movies or pool parties, and leaving my kid out- also leading the other friends to think we are busy and that's why my kid hasn't been around.
The pattern that she is beginning to establish is that she is the common denominator in us always seeming too 'busy' to be around. Which hurts, that the other friends just believe this and don't think to ask themselves.
I'm non-confrontational, and have experience with a relationship like this in the past... Usually when you do say to someone like this that what they're doing seems intentional, they will just deny it and make you look crazy when they say they have nothing against you or that you are coming up with or imagining this stuff out of nowhere.
I am conscientious enough to think I would see this happening to a friend and step in to support. The women that have been part of this group now for two years is smart, and I find it hard to believe they would not see what is happening, but she is busy flattering all of them so maybe their egos feel fulfilled by her and so they therefore don't see it.
I guess I wonder whether, with friendships that have been forming for two years, if it's worth it to confront her anyway and risk being the crazy one, or move on from this cordially and gently back away and find relationships that don't seem to be nourished by flattery, but more aware of others.
For what it's worth, old friendships don't exist where I am. I moved two years ago and all of us that have been becoming friends in this group are all new to our area and all moved in within about six months of each other, and all wanted to make friends. This group was growing before I met her, BUT I was the one that brought this woman in (only three months ago when she started crossing my path) trying to help her establish friends because she would tell me the couple of times I met her how since moving here, too, she hadn't made friends yet (which makes this feel even more like it's adding insult to injury).
If this were happening with my kid, and she came to me for advice, I'd tell her she were dealing with a mean girl and to back off because the group isn't that great if they can't step outside themselves to see/piece together what is happening, and to gracefully back off while forming new friendships. Is it possible for adult women to be mean girls??
Last edited by SundayADX; 11-03-2019 at 09:52 AM..
The pattern that she is beginning to establish is that she is the common denominator in us always seeming too 'busy' to be around. Which hurts, that the other friends just believe this and don't think to ask themselves.
I'm non-confrontational, and have experience with a relationship like this in the past... Usually when you do say to someone like this that what they're doing seems intentional, they will just deny it and make you look crazy when they say they have nothing against you or that you are coming up with or imagining this stuff out of nowhere.
This ^^ is the heart of the matter.
If the other women aren't with-it enough to bring you back into the fold, you don't want to be part of it.
After you have missed a lunch or outing have you talked to another group member and asked them about it? "Sally, I just heard that all of you met for lunch on Thursday. I was home all day, why didn't you call me?"
If Sally says, "Mary said that she called you and that you were busy." You can mention that Mary never called you.
Or mention to your closest friend in the group that "there must have been a mix-up" no one called you about the last few outings and ask her to call or text you about the next one.
Or you can plan the next outing or play date. That way you know that you will have the correct information.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
After you have missed a lunch or outing have you talked to another group member and asked them about it? "Sally, I just heard that all of you met for lunch on Thursday. I was home all day, why didn't you call me?"
If Sally says, "Mary said that she called you and that you were busy." You can mention that Mary never called you.
Or mention to your closest friend in the group that "there must have been a mix-up" no one called you about the last few outings and ask her to call or text you about the next one.
Or you can plan the next outing or play date. That way you know that you will have the correct information.
I completely agree, but I think I'd soften the "why didn't you call me" to, "have I somehow fallen off the text/email thread?" And then mention it happened another time, and you'd thought at the time it was purely an oversight, except the leader mentioned to someone else that she had said you were busy.
OP - is there some reason there's friction between you two? Do your children not get along with her children?
After you have missed a lunch or outing have you talked to another group member and asked them about it? "Sally, I just heard that all of you met for lunch on Thursday. I was home all day, why didn't you call me?"
If Sally says, "Mary said that she called you and that you were busy." You can mention that Mary never called you.
Or mention to your closest friend in the group that "there must have been a mix-up" no one called you about the last few outings and ask her to call or text you about the next one.
Or you can plan the next outing or play date. That way you know that you will have the correct information.
You're right. I should be proactive. My own feelings of friends not seeing this unusual pattern as not normal for me and not checking in has me doubting their degree of care (is loyalty too strong a word?) to our friendships. I frequently check in with friends even if for 'no good reason' because friendships need nuturing. I guess I'm just not with as like-minded a group as I thought. I am an empath, too, which makes it hard to confront because I don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable. I have poor boundaries that way, maybe.
So, when it comes to letting them know I am not flaking out- this is where it's complicated by my not wanting to confront this for fear of looking "crazy", and how I am doing myself a disservice, I suppose. Bear with me. (And this really does seem more rediculous the more I type this out. If I were advising a friend, I'd say find new relationships to forge. But it's tough because we all bonded over some similarities- Like looking for friends since all being new to town, kids same ages that like to play together, etc.).
Which brings me to:
The most recent incident was brought up last week because I mentioned I liked ones purse, and this 'friend' said, "Oh I got the same one when we went shopping today, don't you love it?" (and by "we"- every single person in the friend group, not just some). I have noticed she " loves" what other people "love" - it was a little bit 'single white female' the way she jumped in with that anecdote. But anyway.
There were four of us in the convo at the time.
One chimed in that they went without me in a sort of surprised tone (as though, she thought I was already somewhere), and was cut off by the 'friend' who said, "Oh but you were out" - which , I wasn't- nobody asked, but she threw that out there as though she knew I was busy with something else. So I said "No I was home". The other two looked confused, then the 'friend' went, "Hmm." - almost like I would have led her to believe that I was 'out', when there would be no way to think that because she never asked.
I've got experience with gaslighting and boundaries and toxic relationships and would rather back out of them than fight for trying to change them. I also feel too old (40's) to have single-sided friendships where I don't feel the same care is reciprocated.
We have a birthday coming up this week for one of us and I'd honestly rather not go. It's happened a few times now, plus my kid now being left out, that if this group isn't going to say, "Let's call and double check" and take the initiative even just once to see if I am 'flaking out' like the 'friend' is making it seem, and just go with what the 'friend' says, then I guess I need new friends. I realize it might sound immature to bail- and then I DO look like the 'flake' the 'friend' might be making me out to be- but when you reach a certain point in life, I think it's easy to want to spend time doing something you enjoy, and four hours with people I don't feel care very much about me will not be enjoyable... It took me decades to learn to care about my own peace of mind and not put everyone else before me, especially people that don't seem to care.
Sorry so long. Just emotional for me, especially knowing the lifelong friends I was able to see all the time who seemed to put more effort in as I do are very far away.
I'm sure the answer is probably already here for me. Move on, find new friends all over again (not easy for me, and not at this age) but still be nice to these ladies, just not invest so much anymore since it's obviously not returned.
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(set 27 days ago)
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I wouldn't be closely involved in a social circle who pushed another person out for petty reasons. If they did it to that person, more than likely, it will happen to you. Life is short. I don't have time for fickle relationships with others.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
35,636 posts, read 17,982,736 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SundayADX
You're right. I should be proactive. My own feelings of friends not seeing this unusual pattern as not normal for me and not checking in has me doubting their degree of care (is loyalty too strong a word?) to our friendships. I frequently check in with friends even if for 'no good reason' because friendships need nuturing. I guess I'm just not with as like-minded a group as I thought. I am an empath, too, which makes it hard to confront because I don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable. I have poor boundaries that way, maybe.
So, when it comes to letting them know I am not flaking out- this is where it's complicated by my not wanting to confront this for fear of looking "crazy", and how I am doing myself a disservice, I suppose. Bear with me. (And this really does seem more rediculous the more I type this out. If I were advising a friend, I'd say find new relationships to forge. But it's tough because we all bonded over some similarities- Like looking for friends since all being new to town, kids same ages that like to play together, etc.).
Which brings me to:
The most recent incident was brought up last week because I mentioned I liked ones purse, and this 'friend' said, "Oh I got the same one when we went shopping today, don't you love it?" (and by " we"- Eve single person in the friend group, not just some). I have noticed she " loves" what other people "love" - it was a little bit 'single white female' the way she jumped in with that anecdote. But anyway.
There were four of us in the convo at the time.
One chimed in that they went without me in a sort of surprised tone (as though, she thought I was already somewhere), and was cut off by the 'friend' who said, "Oh but you were out" - which , I wasn't- nobody asked, but she threw that out there as though she knew I was busy with something else. So I said "No I was home". The other two looked confused, then the 'friend' went, "Hmm." - almost like I would have led her to believe that I was 'out', when there would be no way to think that because she never asked.
I've got experience with gaslighting and boundaries and toxic relationships and would rather back out of them than fight for trying to change them. I also feel too old (40's) to have single-sided friendships where I don't feel the same care is reciprocated.
We have a birthday coming up this week for one of us and I'd honestly rather not go. It's happened a few times now, plus my kid now being left out, that if this group isn't going to say, "Let's call and double check" and take the initiative even just once to see if I am 'flaking out' like the 'friend' is making it seem, and just go with what the 'friend' says, then I guess I need new friends. I realize it might sound immature to bail- and then I DO look like the 'flake' the 'friend' might be making me out to be- but when you reach a certain point in life, I think it's easy to want to spend time doing something you enjoy, and four hours with people I don't feel care very much about me will not be enjoyable... It took me decades to learn to care about my own peace of mind and not put everyone else before me, especially people that don't seem to care.
Sorry so long. Just emotional for me, especially knowing the lifelong friends I was able to see all the time who seemed to put more effort in as I do are very far away.
I'm sure the answer is probably already here for me. Move on, find new frienda all over again, but still be nice to these ladies, just not invest so much anymore since it's obviously not returned.
I don't think you should find new friends. I think you should get the woman you're closest to on your side, and ask her to tell you when things are planned. I think you're a little misguided at this point in thinking your friends should be calling you to see if you're busy - with my group of women friends, if someone says "Oh, she couldn't make it", it wouldn't even occur to me to call them. I'd just believe it.
I think you should go to the birthday lunch.
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