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You have nothing to lose by contacting the other members (or some of them) and telling the simple truth. Not your suspicions, not what you imagine other people are thinking but the truth. If it's a popularity contest and you lose, so what. You were going to slink away with your tail between your legs anyway.
They have all commented in the past that they were glad they met me, because otherwise they wouldn't know each other.
So it doesn't sound like that is the case.
Which means you will have to get over your non-confrontational tendencies and talk to your friends, who know you and do care about you.
Don't give this new person the time of day. Go to the others and let them know that you have noticed things said about you that aren't true, and you wanted to make sure they were aware.
The other thing to remember is that friendships are different when you're older and when you all have your own families. People get busy and don't "check in" as often as they might, so you have to be a little more relaxed about things than you might have been when you all had fewer other people you were responsible for.
What's likely is this one woman sees you as the dominant leader in the group and she wants to be that. And there's no better way to do that than ask to "serve" as the detail planner and push you out.
Maybe. Which is weird, because aside from initially coordinating introductions and get togethers, others jumped in over time and it all felt very equal among us. I'm not an "alpha", and I don't belong to groups with one- it's not my vibe, you could say.
This woman just told me late last week (after the last incident) that she thinks my one child (boy) is so respectful and my husband and I are doing such a great job that she would love pointers on her own younger son's because her other two are girls so she doesn't have much 'boy mom experience'. So she sort of cuts me down in a covert way, then compliments me. That's why I think she's a gaslighter, which makes confronting her that much more uncomfortable for me because I know how gaslighters work- they look innocuous and they make you look nuts.
You have nothing to lose by contacting the other members (or some of them) and telling the simple truth. Not your suspicions, not what you imagine other people are thinking but the truth. If it's a popularity contest and you lose, so what. You were going to slink away with your tail between your legs anyway.
That's a harsh reality maybe I need to consider... Tail between my legs.
Here's how I have been seeing it though, and part of why I care.
I was in therapy for many years relearning boundaries after an abusive relationship. One thing I learned, was when to walk away. And it feels like being in a group with someone like this woman just isn't worth it. She makes passive digs at me that others don't notice while building them up- she strokes their egos, I think so they won't ever see her behavior toward me as 'anything'... if she establishes this comforting relationship with them (which I see happening), then if I say she is doing the opposite to me it will be hard for them to believe, then they are in a position to 'choose'- and I'm not the type to make someone 'choose'.
Really, I think she is renting space in my mind and for some reason is bringing up feelings that I haven't felt in a long time, based on our interactions.
I can slink away and not invest more deeply in this group, see the rest of them on a more surface level and not have to cut them all out, but also distance myself from dealing with her at all. What hurts, is that the rest of these women I have been becoming good friends with, but if she is part of everything with them I need to protect my own headspace which means I lose them to a degree.
Really, I think she is renting space in my mind and for some reason is bringing up feelings that I haven't felt in a long time, based on our interactions.
Only you can know how much interaction with her is worth it to maintain the other friendships. It may not be. But it will test you and everything you learned in therapy.
Which means you will have to get over your non-confrontational tendencies and talk to your friends, who know you and do care about you.
Don't give this new person the time of day. Go to the others and let them know that you have noticed things said about you that aren't true, and you wanted to make sure they were aware.
The other thing to remember is that friendships are different when you're older and when you all have your own families. People get busy and don't "check in" as often as they might, so you have to be a little more relaxed about things than you might have been when you all had fewer other people you were responsible for.
Yes, absolutely, friendships with families, etc, are a different thing. I know. It's a good reminder to hear though.
I think maybe this is hard, too, because I could also still be grieving the old friendships that were so easy-breezy and don't contain a person that acts this way. I had those friendships for decades, and moving away two years ago and not being able to be close to or there for them is something I miss. So to have to navigate new friendships is already a little rusty for me, but especially with someone like this woman.
You're right. Communication is important. So are my boundaries and I cannot be happy if I don't establish them.
They thought you were busy, so they didn't question your absence. Just reach out to a couple of the people in the group and ask them to let you know when there's another event going on. I wouldn't even mention your suspicions that one is intentionally trying to exclude you.
I believe you that woman is playing games and is trying to get rid of you. If she is more powerful than you, then yes, you will look like the "crazy" one for mentioning to the others that she's purposefully doing this. So best to play the game covertly and tactfully.
What's likely is this one woman sees you as the dominant leader in the group and she wants to be that. And there's no better way to do that than ask to "serve" as the detail planner and push you out.
I agree with this. I was friends with a woman who took it upon herself to be the detail planner -- sending out e-mails arranging the book club meetings and book selection. In this case, she invited me into the group but the "mistake" I made was not understanding she saw herself as the leader and I disagreed with her about a book selection. She spoke to me in a harsh tone that was out of character about such a trivial issue and I quit the club. What was interesting was she could not accept the embarrassment of my quitting the club as it was obvious to the others (all her friends) why I quit. She spent several years trying to get me to rejoin the group trying to save face.
In your case OP, I would need to call this woman out . . . "oh, I didn't get the notification of the outing again and I was available." I would have loved to have joined everyone. I am so sorry to have missed another outing. (name of other friend in the group) would you do me a favor and copy me on future notications so I don't miss out next time. I'm always happy to clear my calendar if necessary to join you all. I started this group and it still means to much to me and will always be a priority. I would say this in front of everyone.
I think she has the other women fooled. I would never occur to me that a power move was going on and you weren't being invited and/or weren't available.
Last edited by Maddie104; 11-03-2019 at 02:55 PM..
In a way, I feel as though I am getting the "cold shoulder". And they don't see that, it seems. So if I do that, I know she is the type who will say something to the effect that I am doing that, which will make ME look inconsiderate. I'd prefer just not to do that, because I think it's worse than just feeling confused now.
I mentioned before, I think she manipulates people so they like her, and she is to a degree gaslighting me. Which means, I will be the mean/cold/crazy one if I mention her behavior when she doesn't do it to anyone else and she has done these things that she can say make her 'innocent' enough on her part. Hmm
Maybe, maybe not. Do you think she is such a good manipulator that no one else in the group sees what she is doing? If that is so, that's a dumb bunch of "friends".
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