New friend to group pushing another out

[miu]

Originally Posted by SundayADX

You're right. I should be proactive. My own feelings of friends not seeing this unusual pattern as not normal for me and not checking in has me doubting their degree of care (is loyalty too strong a word?) to our friendships. I frequently check in with friends even if for 'no good reason' because friendships need nuturing. I guess I'm just not with as like-minded a group as I thought. I am an empath, too, which makes it hard to confront because I don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable. I have poor boundaries that way, maybe.


So, when it comes to letting them know I am not flaking out- this is where it's complicated by my not wanting to confront this for fear of looking "crazy", and how I am doing myself a disservice, I suppose. Bear with me. (And this really does seem more rediculous the more I type this out. If I were advising a friend, I'd say find new relationships to forge. But it's tough because we all bonded over some similarities- Like looking for friends since all being new to town, kids same ages that like to play together, etc.).

Which brings me to:

The most recent incident was brought up last week because I mentioned I liked ones purse, and this 'friend' said, "Oh I got the same one when we went shopping today, don't you love it?" (and by "we"- every single person in the friend group, not just some). I have noticed she " loves" what other people "love" - it was a little bit 'single white female' the way she jumped in with that anecdote. But anyway.

There were four of us in the convo at the time.

One chimed in that they went without me in a sort of surprised tone (as though, she thought I was already somewhere), and was cut off by the 'friend' who said, "Oh but you were out" - which , I wasn't- nobody asked, but she threw that out there as though she knew I was busy with something else. So I said "No I was home". The other two looked confused, then the 'friend' went, "Hmm." - almost like I would have led her to believe that I was 'out', when there would be no way to think that because she never asked.

I've got experience with gaslighting and boundaries and toxic relationships and would rather back out of them than fight for trying to change them. I also feel too old (40's) to have single-sided friendships where I don't feel the same care is reciprocated.

We have a birthday coming up this week for one of us and I'd honestly rather not go. It's happened a few times now, plus my kid now being left out, that if this group isn't going to say, "Let's call and double check" and take the initiative even just once to see if I am 'flaking out' like the 'friend' is making it seem, and just go with what the 'friend' says, then I guess I need new friends. I realize it might sound immature to bail- and then I DO look like the 'flake' the 'friend' might be making me out to be- but when you reach a certain point in life, I think it's easy to want to spend time doing something you enjoy, and four hours with people I don't feel care very much about me will not be enjoyable... It took me decades to learn to care about my own peace of mind and not put everyone else before me, especially people that don't seem to care.

Sorry so long. Just emotional for me, especially knowing the lifelong friends I was able to see all the time who seemed to put more effort in as I do are very far away.

I'm sure the answer is probably already here for me. Move on, find new friends all over again (not easy for me, and not at this age) but still be nice to these ladies, just not invest so much anymore since it's obviously not returned.

How many in your friend group?? Four? More?

Okay, so I have never done the group of friends thing before. IMO after all of this time, and before this new person joined the group, you should have been (naturally) closer to one of these women than the others. Surely, there is one member of your friend group that you like more than the others. And that is the person you should be confiding your frustrations to.

Otherwise, if not, you were the starter of a meetup group, and this new person has taken the leadership role away from you. So just start a new group. These women you spend time with aren't and have never been your TRUE friends, because true friends would have never put up with this cr@p. Or... these other women aren't deserving of your FRIENDSHIP.

IMO your group of "friends" are just women who are bored when their kids are in school and get together for casual shopping excursions, but none of them have formed any deep bonds of friendship with each other. Probably, they are more focused on their husband and kids, than actually becoming real friends with each other.

If you aren't going to take the lead back to initiate these shopping excursions, then no wonder the new gal has taken over your "job" in the group. And she started off by being bored one day when you weren't available, and the rest of the women wanted to get out of their houses that day also. It sounds like your group has ALL of their weekdays open to do things when their kids are in school. Meanwhile, out of the five weekdays, you are only available for three of them (I am assuming that everyone's (including you) save your weekends for your family). And once those ladies have done their shopping thing with each other those two days that you aren't around, they are shopped out.

So... if you want back into your group, start coming up with more exciting group plans and invite the others ahead of time. Stop being so passive about planning potential get-togethers.

I also think that it's time for you to find one TRUE friend to spend quality time with. And eventually add in one more. And PLEASE, do more than just shopping or having coffee together. What about finding some volunteer work to do as an activity? Any good local charities in your area? Or what about going to an animal shelter to walk their dogs?

[seain dublin]

Originally Posted by RamenAddict

At the same time, why would you have reason to mistrust someone that the OP brought into the group in the first place? I can see the issue if someone else brought this woman into the group, but since it seems like the OP introduced this woman to the group, it would give the other friends more of a reason to assume that the new woman would not be lying. People do have reasons for missing all of a sudden- health problems, looking for a part-time job, etc., that they might want to talk about until they pan out. If it’s only been fairly recent, the others might not feel comfortable bringing it up just yet or think that something is amiss. The OP is always welcome to say something benign when it happens to let them know she is available, or set up more events herself.

So what if the OP was the one who brought this woman into the group? Haven't you ever met someone where you start to become friendly, and than realize they're what they first appeared to be(I certainly have)?

Doesn't matter who brought her into the group she isn't a nice person.

You're right, people do get sidetracked with issues. But when someone who is a regular to events is now not showing up, many would wonder if they're OK. I am currently in Ireland and the UK visiting friends and family, I live in CA and attend a twice monthly writing group, my bad I forgot to tell the person running it I would be gone for several weeks. They sent me an email asking if everything was OK, as I rarely miss a session.

If someone(especially a newcomer) is always saying the OP is busy I would start to wonder what was up and contact the OP myself.

Originally Posted by Mattie

Yup. Only one way to deal with this, and that's calmly, but head on. I'd do it when the offender was present too. "I'm puzzled by hearing you say I've been busy. Actually, I've been available, and am wondering why you seem to plan things then deliberately leave me out of the invitations". Let the pieces fall where they may.

Exactly, nip it in the bud.

Originally Posted by BirdieBelle

Now you know why she was so "lonely" before.

Yep, no good deed goes unpunished. This woman most likely pulled this nonsense with other people before.

[seain dublin]

Originally Posted by SundayADX

Maybe she is. Maybe she's not. Maybe these other friends are more needy for a woman like her that showers them with flattery and her own perceived neediness. Like I said earlier, I took this to be insecurity in a new group of women at first and gave her the benefit of doubt because I know it's hard to make friends sometimes, but it's escalating as time goes on- not easing, which I would think if someone were getting comfortable their insecurity would not worsen.

So, maybe none of this is manipulation but can be explained from a way that I'm not seeing:

A) She learned I love to bake the first day we were all together and that I share my baked goods, especially with an elderly neighbor who is mostly housebound, so she began baking for everyone- literally the next day she had breads for everyone, except me. That's fine, I bake my own bread, I wasn't hurt, but it was an obvious swipe (as I mentioned other incidents before). The fact that I didn't get a bread, I could care less about, for the bread. It was just odd that she made a really big deal when she handed them all out. What was the intention or value of doing that for her? I wouldn't do that, I would deliver door to door if I didn't have enough, or not want to provide for everyone.

B) She moved into the neighborhood before all of our families, yet never ventured out. She was here years before the rest of us, and never bothered to step out and take initiative to make friends. It was a fluke that I saw her a couple of times in a short period of time and both times she said she was lonely, so I convinced her the second time to meet the other women with me next time we were together.

C) When someone new moved next door to me, I made them cookies. In my old neighborhood, my neighbors then welcomed my family that way and I thought it was nice, so I wanted to be as thoughtful to my new neighbors. She found out and said, "You never made me cookies!" Two of the other women chimed in and said, "You were here before her, you should have made her cookies" and the other two laughed about it in a very light and not at all malicious way for about three seconds, except now that I look back she was quiet and didn't laugh with them. Honestly, I don't think the cookies were the issue, and I wonder now if she was trying to say I was inconsiderate somehow (like I lack thoughtfulness or 'characterr'), by not making her cookies when I didn't even know her and she was here before everyone. Weird.

D) She has asked them all into her home for advice about really small things- if her new curtains look nice or if she should change them and said she would go out that day to buy new if everyone didn't like them; if her new table should be returned; to see the new throw blanket she bought on her couch. I mean, really decisions that she shouldn't need neighbors to make a determination about, and I don't think she really does- I see it as a way to draw people in and make herself seem like she needs them so they view her as a person that values them and wouldn't hurt anyone.

Maybe she really is not a manipulator, but then I don't know what her behavior when it all adds up to be, is. Just plain odd I guess. -shoulder shrug-

No one in your group said anything about this? No one noticed or commented about how you didn't get any bread? Odd.

[newtovenice]

Originally Posted by SundayADX

Yes, I have planned things. The group came about because of my initiative to get people together. As time has gone on, we all have. The new pattern is that when I am out two mornings a week, she begins to plan on those days to 'save everyone time' and takes it on as though it's such an effort, and since she's willing they are fine with her offer... It seems innocent enough.

(( ETA to the above: Maybe each week I should start asking on my days outside of seeing them all- Are we planning anything? That might be the simplest way to confront that I haven't been notified without having to say any more than show that I have no idea when things are planned by her. )

Which doesn't explain why none of the other women wouldn't double check or FYI me even just one little time, now that it seems like a pattern of me not being there. Now, let me say, I don't need to be coddled, but this has happened enough times that if it were occurring to another in our group and I saw this new pattern I would say 'Hey, FYI, this is the date and time, are you coming?' once to see what the response would be, then if the person said they didn't even know another date was being planned I would bring it to light.

But, I understand 'go along to get along' happens too.

It sounds like you haven't spoken up. At all.

Either speak up, plan your own friend dates, or find new friends.

This isn't that difficult of a situation to resolve. Choose what you want and then do it.

[wasel]

If I were one of the other friends in the group, I would wonder why you didn’t trust me enough to come to me with info about what was really going on (that you were not kept in the loop, etc.) Why do you assume they will think you are the crazy one? If you really see them as friends you should give them more credit than that.

Unfortunately you are giving this mean girl all the power here. You have power to set the record straight and manage your other friendships separately from her.

[JrzDefector]

I think once you get to a certain age you assume that people in your social circle are acting in good faith. So I get why no one thinks to follow up with you. You're all moms it sounds like and they probably don't have a ton of time and energy to chase down someone who is already declared absent. That puts the burden on you.

I would step up efforts to cement your existing friendships by having one-on-one meetups with members of this group. Confide in whoever you are closest to and let them know what your perceptions are and ask how they see it.

They may figure out what's going on on their own, but it could take YEARS. There was someone in one of my more formal groups who cozied up to many of my friends in that group. I got along with her and she seemed to want to form a closer relationship... but I just felt like something was off. She ended up stealing about $800 from another group that had formed and has some other sketchy stuff in her past.

She's burned a ton of bridges with some of my friends and another has asked why I was never fooled. I can't explain it. I think something in me that is damaged recognized something damaged in her. Nobody hates her - things have come to light that indicate she has serious mental health problems and past trauma. But she's been excised from the core group and everyone knows not to trust her.

I also think you need to be politely firm when she says things like "you were busy" or something like that to the rest of the group. Correct her without hostility. Your friends will figure it out.