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I am a 62-year-old woman who has been retired for about two years. I am in a dilemma regarding my nephew/godson‘s upcoming wedding. He recently became engaged to his longtime girlfriend, who is originally from Iran. At the time of their engagement this summer, his fiancé told me likely be getting married “in about 2 years”.
Because most of her family lives in Iran, they planned a wedding in Turkey and another one locally in S.Florida. They would like all their family to attend both, but are aware her family will likely be unable to attend due to travel restrictions.
Today they sent us an email letting us know that they had moved this wedding in Turkey up to “sometime in fall 2020“ and requesting family members provide dates they likely can attend (Aug 2020, September 2020, October 2020). According to my sister, the reason for moving the wedding up is that her grandmother is elderly and they fear that she will not be alive to attend if they delay 2 years.
My dilemma is twofold. 1.) DH and I have spent a good deal of money traveling since our retirement and frankly had decided to curtail it because we can’t afford overseas trips anymore. 2,) My son became engaged last year and recently informed me that he and fiancée are looking at Fall 2020 dates.
Obviously we will be attending my sons wedding, which will take place in California where he and his fiancée live (we live in S.Florida). We are gifting my son a small amount of money ($3k) as a wedding gift. He has known this since he became engaged. I have saved for this.
My dilemma is that I had hoped to attend my nephews wedding in 2 years as I thought I could have saved the money by then. But if it is next year, we will be unable to attend.
My nephew and his fiancée plan a second wedding locally a few months after, the first, which I can attend.
I guess my issue is that I feel very guilty for not attending the big wedding. She is Muslim and the wedding will last several days. However given our current income I would have to go into a good deal of debt to pay for round trip tickets and accommodations in Turkey, plus a gift.
Another concern is that nephew’s fiancée is very high maintenance and there have been problems in the recent past when she felt slighted. One recent example is that she was visiting, missed a family celebration because she had a cold, and became angry with everyone in the family because she felt not enough attention was paid to her cold and her general health. It caused a huge problem in our extended family as she literally threw a tantrum.
They are aware of our retirement travel splurges, but not our finances, I’m worried she will be insulted if we don’t attend in Turkey and only go to the local wedding. I don’t want a rift with my nephew. Thoughts ?
You cannot help what you cannot help. I think you should communicate your inability to travel to Turkey with a sorrowful and sincere note to your godson. Express your fondest loving wishes toward him. Use the word “regret” in the note.
Informally let your sibling know that you can’t afford it. I know it might hurt your pride to admit that, but it is the truth. Realistically, asking family to travel to a wedding in Turkey is asking a lot. Be sure to let nephew that you will happily attend the US wedding. After all, isn’t the reason for a second wedding so that more people can celebrate?
Send a nice gift, with your good wishes or wait till the second wedding to give one.
You cannot control the reactions of a temperamental bride. She will do what she does. If she doesn’t blow up about you not attending her wedding in Turkey, she will likely blow up at something else. Remain above the fray. And your attending might not be as important to her as you think.
Sheesh. Two weddings on two continents for one couple. I suppose they will be well and truly wed.
Dear John and Elain,
I am so happy and excited about your wedding plans and the wonderful life you two will share. Elain, you are so welcome in our family! I look forward to attending your Florida wedding, but will only be able to be at the Turkey wedding in my heart. When we retired a few years ago, we splurged quite a bit on traveling with the knowledge that we would not have the budget to do much traveling in the future. But, we decided to we should go we were still in good health. Now we must stay faithful to our decisions made for retirement planning and apply our remaining small travel budget to very affordable, small trips. We are just so delighted that you will have a celebration in Florida, too. We love you so much and are so happy for your both.
Send a thoughtful gift and well-wishes along with a handwritten card mentioning your disappointment at not being able to celebrate with them in Turkey as well as your eagerness to celebrate with them in FL.
My son was married in California, 2,000 miles from where several of his aunts and uncles lived and they could not attend, neither could his godparents. While he and his bride were a little disappointed they completely understood.
Everyone attended the local reception that was held in the Midwest.
There is absolutely no way that I could afford to attend a wedding on a different continent for a niece or nephew. And, they would be very understanding of that fact.
Sheesh, if you can't afford it you can't afford it. If your nephew's fiancée/wife gets grumpy about it than she is pretty childish.
Dear John and Elain,
I am so happy and excited about your wedding plans and the wonderful life you two will share. Elain, you are so welcome in our family! I look forward to attending your Florida wedding, but will only be able to be at the Turkey wedding in my heart. When we retired a few years ago, we splurged quite a bit on traveling with the knowledge that we would not have the budget to do much traveling in the future. But, we decided to we should go we were still in good health. Now we must stay faithful to our decisions made for retirement planning and apply our remaining small travel budget to very affordable, small trips. We are just so delighted that you will have a celebration in Florida, too. We love you so much and are so happy for your both.
Love,
Auntie Em and Uncle Bill
Thank you so much! I am literally copy and pasting what you wrote with a little editing to make it more personal. This was actually perfect thank you so much
When they lived here in South Florida we saw them at regular family events. Now they live in New York City. They travel quite a bit. I maybe see them once or twice a year now.
Interestingly, DH and I recently had a small vow renewal ceremony in our home, with immediate family only. It was a very big deal to me and DH. They were both invited but did not bother to attend (which I understand as they live out of state now) .
What bothered me is that they did not RSVP, did not even text your good wishes even though they saw our pictures on both Facebook and Instagram.
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