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An invitation to a wedding is just that, an invitation, not an obligation.
No one should have to feel guilty for not attending, or apologize, or provide detailed explanations beyond what they feel comfortable offering.
If you were an immediate family member, that would be different, but even then, there may be reasons why someone couldn't make the trip (another crucial commitment, serious illness, financial incapacity - which I would hope other family members would help with).
It's hard for me to understand why a young couple would write a response like you received. It definitely sounds to me like they're trying to lay guilt on you for not accommodating them.
This would really take them down a notch in my regard for them.
Last edited by CarolinaMoon1; 11-20-2019 at 04:01 PM..
Mercedes, your description of the couple with their globetrotting lifestyle and Instagram accounts explains quite a bit. It sounds like they are interested in making a big splash on social media showing as many participants as possible.
Totally their choice but the rude response was impolite. Not one word about how they would miss your company and how they understand, but all about you missing the “opportunity” to meet her family.
Don’t let one moment of guilt get to you. I think this is much more about their “Big Show” than about you not meeting poor old Grandma.
I once had a relative irritated with my family as we couldn’t get to a wedding 1,200 miles away due to my kids’ school schedule (week of final exams). I heard later that this relative was determined that the family picture with the bridal couple would have as many or more people as the groom’s. We were basically “bodies” to her.
I learned a valuable lesson - try to attend family events when it is feasible but not at the expense of your own immediate family. If they don’t get over it, their loss.
Mercedes, your description of the couple with their globetrotting lifestyle and Instagram accounts explains quite a bit. It sounds like they are interested in making a big splash on social media showing as many participants as possible.
Totally their choice but the rude response was impolite. Not one word about how they would miss your company and how they understand, but all about you missing the “opportunity” to meet her family.
Don’t let one moment of guilt get to you. I think this is much more about their “Big Show” than about you not meeting poor old Grandma.
I once had a relative irritated with my family as we couldn’t get to a wedding 1,200 miles away due to my kids’ school schedule (week of final exams). I heard later that this relative was determined that the family picture with the bridal couple would have as many or more people as the groom’s. We were basically “bodies” to her.
I learned a valuable lesson - try to attend family events when it is feasible but not at the expense of your own immediate family. If they don’t get over it, their loss.
Thank you Shamrock 4. I had not thought of that aspect but you are probably right. They have a huge Instagram presence and are probably looking for a good turnout. And you’re right, they didn’t say they would miss us. Just about opportunity.
Mercedesmarcelina I'm glad to see you were able to get this resolved so quickly and that their response to your gracious letter has helped you to gain more insight into the motivations of your nephew and his bride to be. (Sorry, but she sounds like a bit of an entitled self-centered social climber to me and I hope her attitude and expectations doesn't rub off too much onto your nephew).
Congratulations on the forth-coming wedding of your son next year. That's definitely the most important of the two weddings for you to be focusing all your attention on and planning all your wedding expenditures around. I hope they have a wonderful wedding and that you have a blast as mother of the groom.
Congratulations and that was nice of you. In discussing the situation with another sister, who is also not sure they can go, she said that because 90% of the people they polled about Turkey were positive, they’re probably thinking there’s no point on the 2nd ceremony.
I would be interested in seeing how many of those 90% actually end up going when it’s time to purchase the ticket
Right, because she didn't say they were COMING, she just said that "90 percent of those responding were positive." Big difference.
Congrats on your son's wedding and have fun with that one! I mean it - YAY! Blow these other globetrotting Instagrammers off.
Seems like this bride, who threw a tantrum about not enough attention concerning her cold, will take offense at anything so don’t get offended if she does. Just be happy she is marrying your nephew, not your son.
These two sentences, so much!
Quote:
Originally Posted by bus man
Being an Instagram follower is a whole lot easier, and less expensive, than actually attending a wedding on another continent. No doubt their multiple thousands of followers will flood them with online well-wishes. But I would predict that a vastly smaller number of them will actually pony up the money to attend the ceremony.
Unless they are the couple's friends because they met while traveling, which would suggest those people are big travelers, too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow
I assume that the young couple is having two weddings, one in Turkey and one in the U.S. for the express purpose of accommodating people living in those 2 two countries. The Turkey wedding for those from the middle east, and the U.S. wedding for those in the U.S. Right? So why would you, as a resident of the U.S., need to go to Turkey for the wedding there? They don't expect you to attend both I would assume. That would be very unusual to expect you to both. I see nothing at all wrong, or even unusual about attending the ceremony which is closest to your home. I'm sure that is what's expected.
Actually, both the OP and OP's post of the couple's response to their note indicate that yes, the couple does indeed expect American family to travel to Turkey. Which, IMO, is silly since as you said, that's the whole point of having two.
I don't see a problem with two weddings, as some people have implied; I don't see it's any more rude than having one wedding in one place and shrugging your shoulders that someone's family is going to miss it (unless they shell out big bucks to be there). If two people from two different places get married, "where to have the wedding" is an issue that is going to have to be addressed, and having two weddings seems to me a fine way to do so, especially if the people are from different cultures and want to honor each of their cultures as well; it's not always easy to combine the two into one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shamrock4
Mercedes, your description of the couple with their globetrotting lifestyle and Instagram accounts explains quite a bit. It sounds like they are interested in making a big splash on social media showing as many participants as possible.
Totally their choice but the rude response was impolite. Not one word about how they would miss your company and how they understand, but all about you missing the “opportunity” to meet her family.
Don’t let one moment of guilt get to you. I think this is much more about their “Big Show” than about you not meeting poor old Grandma.
I once had a relative irritated with my family as we couldn’t get to a wedding 1,200 miles away due to my kids’ school schedule (week of final exams). I heard later that this relative was determined that the family picture with the bridal couple would have as many or more people as the groom’s. We were basically “bodies” to her.
I learned a valuable lesson - try to attend family events when it is feasible but not at the expense of your own immediate family. If they don’t get over it, their loss.
Also this. Some of it may also be cultural-- a big to-do wedding may also come with the expectation of a lot of guests/family. Even in the West, that's the way some families do it-- you're supposed to have a big shindig with everybody you know, and some would even consider it rude and would cause offense to not invite even distant relatives (even if you know they don't want to come).
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
Right, because she didn't say they were COMING, she just said that "90 percent of those responding were positive." Big difference.
Congrats on your son's wedding and have fun with that one! I mean it - YAY! Blow these other globetrotting Instagrammers off.
That's how I read it, too-- 90% of people said "Oh, a foreign wedding, how cool!" I didn't read it as "90% of people said they would come." (And then to imply that OP was *not* being positive about it??? Oh, no way!)
Thank you so much to everyone for your insightful replies. They were a big help in helping see things realistically.
I spoke to my son, who has been engaged for over a year and he’s upset about flak he’s getting from his cousin, my nephew, who is miffed my son is getting married around the same time . Apparently nephew feels another family wedding at the same general time detracts from their own.
The thing is everyone in the family “knew” my son was getting married next year. He said as much when they got engaged in August, 2018. However he plans a very small, immediate family only wedding. At the time I was upset about it (I actually posted on CD about it) . Now I’m relieved. Only sad about the falling out as son and nephew were brought up almost as brothers.
Nephew just got engaged this September so we’re all surprised they moved the ceremony up to the same time. Don’t know why they chose the same general time frame as son, but am surprised they’re upset son is moving ahead with his own wedding.
Either way I’m very grateful to the forum members who’ve been so generous with their advice!
Last edited by mercedesmarcelina158; 11-20-2019 at 09:20 PM..
...Another concern is that nephew’s fiancée is very high maintenance and there have been problems in the recent past when she felt slighted. One recent example is that she was visiting, missed a family celebration because she had a cold, and became angry with everyone in the family because she felt not enough attention was paid to her cold and her general health. It caused a huge problem in our extended family as she literally threw a tantrum.
They are aware of our retirement travel splurges, but not our finances, I’m worried she will be insulted if we don’t attend in Turkey and only go to the local wedding. I don’t want a rift with my nephew. Thoughts ?
I guess it might cause a rift if you tell your nephew that you cant afford to attend the wedding but you'll start saving to attend the divorce.
Seriously, I think what you wrote in Post #25 is perfect. I dont think you should go out of your way, though, to give your nephew a large check as a wedding gift just because you cant attend the ceremony in Turkey. I suspect any large monetary gift wouldnt be appreciated all that much.
Lol I actually think that they have A LOT of friends who’ve indicated they will go. My nephew and his fiancée are world travelers with their own blog and instagram page with over a hundred thousand of followers. He’s a pretty successful photographer. She’s very exotic. Together they make a gorgeous couple.
Either these 90% have a ton of money or they don’t care about maxing out their CC. My nephew and his fiancée are into the “hipster” scene and attend a lot of pretty glamorous events. What can I say? Good for them, but too rich for my blood.
We’ll give them a monetary gift and that’ll be all.
I think they think everyone is like them and their friends, they only see things in their own light and don't understand that others may not have the same resources as they do or have other priorities besides a fun time. Don't feel or worry that they are upset, there are some family members that you will not be so close to and I think these two will fall into that category. Even if you were to go to Turkey to please them, you will at some point disappoint them, they seem to live the high life. Think of the babies that will be born to the marriage, if they have a ceremony to celebrate the birth in Turkey each time. It is ridiculous to spend beyond your means and for what? You have other priorities, stick to them.
LOL You could tell a lot about people when they plan their wedding, some are very thoughtful of their guests, and some are very thoughtful only of themselves.
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