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So I spoke to my nephew and his fiancée this morning and it was civil. I reiterated again we are unable to attend but are so happy for them. She made a little dig about the fact that we “take a lot of trips”, which I ignored.
I let them know we are looking forward to seeing them at Christmas. What they don’t know is that my DH has prostate cancer, and one of the reasons we did the previous trip this year was related to that. The flights from were we live to Istanbul are 12 hours non stop and there are no direct flights from our area. He would not tolerate a 16-21 hour flight.
I spoke to my sister who is upset with both of them. She suspects that it’s not so much that they care that we actually go, but that culturally the fiancée is concerned about “saving face” with her family in wanting a big family turn out from us to show how much we love her.
He's not acting well himself. She isn't doing this alone. And he's mad at his cousin for not moving his wedding date. The guy who set his first.
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Originally Posted by Lbjen
They sound as if they’re made for each other.
I agree with both of you, but if this relative wasn't an unreasonable sort until he met her, that would concern me that he's changed so much in this relationship.
Hopefully his immediate family will have a frank conversation with him. It's possible that once married, they'll stop doing anything with his family.
I've seen this before. If this is their (pre) honeymoon phase, it's only going to get worse.
I let them know we are looking forward to seeing them at Christmas. What they don’t know is that my DH has prostate cancer, and one of the reasons we did the previous trip this year was related to that. The flights from were we live to Istanbul are 12 hours non stop and there are no direct flights from our area. He would not tolerate a 16-21 hour flight.
Ah, so, easier to dismiss the little dig because they made it based on incomplete information. That wasn't their fault...though the dig still wasn't nice. Good for you for holding back!
I agree with both of you, but if this relative wasn't an unreasonable sort until he met her, that would concern me that he's changed so much in this relationship.
Hopefully his immediate family will have a frank conversation with him. It's possible that once married, they'll stop doing anything with his family.
I've seen this before. If this is their (pre) honeymoon phase, it's only going to get worse.
No he was never like this before. She has him fully in thrall. The family did try to talk to him several years ago but unfortunately he will not hear it. He has made it clear that it’s team fiancée all the way. We do not want to lose our nephew. We are a close knit family and we love him very much. She has succeeded in alienating him as much as she can.
He broke up with her once, about 3 years ago due to her behavior but at this point, he’s not seeing beyond her.
Either way, if this is who he is choosing, we will love him and support him regardless of what will happen. We think we all know what will happen. Hopefully there will not be any children.
This happened to my brother and eventually she succeeded in alienating him from our entire family. After the kids grew up he divorced her and came back to the family. Unfortunately my dad never lived to see it. It’s not his mom’s fault that she can’t rein him in. It sounds like she is trying plus she is probably worried about the backlash to her.
This happened to my brother and eventually she succeeded in alienating him from our entire family. After the kids grew up he divorced her and came back to the family. Unfortunately my dad never lived to see it. It’s not his mom’s fault that she can’t rein him in. It sounds like she is trying plus she is probably worried about the backlash to her.
You are 100% correct. My sister IS worried about backlash to her. She has gone out of her way for this young woman, for her son’s sake, and can never win. Fiancée blows hot and cold. I’m very sorry for her. My nephew is a 31 year old man, way past the age of being reined in, although she (my sister) does try to let him know when she feels they’re being unreasonable.
Teacher Terry I’m very sorry your family experienced this.
No he was never like this before. She has him fully in thrall. The family did try to talk to him several years ago but unfortunately he will not hear it. He has made it clear that it’s team fiancée all the way. We do not want to lose our nephew. We are a close knit family and we love him very much. She has succeeded in alienating him as much as she can.
He broke up with her once, about 3 years ago due to her behavior but at this point, he’s not seeing beyond her.
Either way, if this is who he is choosing, we will love him and support him regardless of what will happen. We think we all know what will happen. Hopefully there will not be any children.
My heart goes out to all of you. I can't imagine. And I'm sorry to read about your husband's cancer. I hate that insidious disease.
In watching this happen in other families, they didn't end up divorced, but the bad news is - they became estranged from his family and friends. You can walk on eggshells, go along, but eventually there will be something they get mad about and that will be the last straw as far as they're concerned.
All you can do is focus on your immediate family - particularly the upcoming wedding of your son and the health of your husband, and try to support your sister as much as possible.
DH and I have spent a good deal of money traveling since our retirement and frankly had decided to curtail it because we can’t afford overseas trips anymore
You should stick with your plans and not go.
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I guess my issue is that I feel very guilty for not attending the big wedding. She is Muslim and the wedding will last several days. However given our current income I would have to go into a good deal of debt to pay for round trip tickets and accommodations in Turkey, plus a gift.
There is no reason to feel guilty. That is a great distance to travel, and expensive. Personally, I have only been to one wedding in my life, which was a low key celebration and only a few miles from here. I would most definitely not travel a long distance to attend someone else's wedding.
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Another concern is that nephew’s fiancée is very high maintenance and there have been problems in the recent past when she felt slighted. One recent example is that she was visiting, missed a family celebration because she had a cold, and became angry with everyone in the family because she felt not enough attention was paid to her cold and her general health. It caused a huge problem in our extended family as she literally threw a tantrum.
Good grief. That's most definitely a good reason to not go.
Plus her bad attitude is her problem, not yours, and I would not get involved with it.
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I’m worried she will be insulted if we don’t attend in Turkey and only go to the local wedding. I don’t want a rift with my nephew.
Those are their issues to deal with, not yours. I would just tell your nephew that you will be able to attend (but only if you want to) the local wedding - but not the one in Turkey - and leave it at that. I doubt that all the people in Turkey will be coming over here. Considering her attitude, I would personally miss both of them.
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