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A pack is always going to go after the weakest links..build up your kids confidence, it's the best thing you can do for them.
Kindly provide "how to", step by step details.
It's easy to say "build up your kid's confidence" all while ignoring their genetic make-up. I have been doing this "build-up" for a while now and I am convinced that "build-up" has nothing to do with it.
Nature, instinct are everything.
It's easy to say "build up your kid's confidence" all while ignoring their genetic make-up. I have been doing this "build-up" for a while now and I am convinced that "build-up" has nothing to do with it.
Nature, instinct are everything.
I totally agree. "Build up the kid's confidence" is easier said than done. Some people are just born to be gentle souls. Some people are born to be loud and obnoxious.
My daughter is very smart, she participates in various activities, she's polite and respectful. She's not one to argue or fight and she'd rather walk away than to get into a confrontation. She is confident in her abilities, however.
I would love one of the "build up the kid's confidence" people to give a step by step instructional on how to get her to "build her confidence" and stand up to a bully. Of course, though, they cannot. Their kids were born the way they are. My child was born the way she is. They never "taught" their kids --- their kids were born with that personality trait.
As I read your post, I wanted to repond to each section. However, I began to see that it really is only a well written justification for nasty behavior on the part of children. And by the way, in the wild, if you attack a child, the parent, no matter the size, will rip you a new one. So much for natural pecking order.
You got that right!! Try messing with a lion cub or a baby bear --- mama bear or mama lion will rip you to shreads!
"The way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it." -The Lion King
I think this quote describes the situation perfectly. By being a mentor to your daughter by teaching her how to deal with this, she'll be well equipped for things such as these in the future, and won't need principals, counselors, police, etc. to step in for her. Bringing in those people, IMO, is such an easy solution. Actually TEACHING your daughter to deal may be hard to do, but in the long run, it will help her more than any teacher or counselor ever can. You'll feel better about it and she will too.
How simple is it to tell someone: Quit smoking. Lose weight. Start exercising. Get a better job. Stop biting your nails. So simple to say, but how to you TEACH someone to change their personality???
Don't you think I've told her to ignore the nasty girls?
Don't you think I've told her the best way to stop a bully is to call them on their behavior?? Confront them as to why their doing what they're doing???
Don't you think I've explained to her that 99% of the time, it's all about the BULLY being jealous or intimidated by the victim and they have to make someone else feel bad so they can feel better about themselves??
Of course I have!! I didn't just run to the phone to call the school because she came home one day and told me there was an issue. The issue had been going on for a while before she told me and I told her all of the above (and more) before making my phone call. Also, my daughter obviously tried to handle the situation herself before telling me.
As I read your post, I wanted to repond to each section. However, I began to see that it really is only a well written justification for nasty behavior on the part of children. And by the way, in the wild, if you attack a child, the parent, no matter the size, will rip you a new one. So much for natural pecking order.
It's ok that you don't understand nature and natural pecking order.
Mother pigs eat their young that are inferior, others animals do as well. Mother birds push babies out of the nest that are inferior. Then ther are others that leave those inferior ones behind to die so what nourishment the mother has goes to the stronger offspring. So much for 'ripping a new one'.
Yes, a mother animal will attack an animal if it is strange to her and messes with her young. They will protect them from other adult animals or humans, but they do not mess with other youngsters. The young are left to learn how to fend for themselves and learn from each other the natural order and how to survive within their own group.
There has to be leaders and there has to be followers. It isn't natural for all to be leaders. Also, the weaker depend on the stronger for many things. What's wrong with that? Nothing. How can kids learn to depend on themselves or each other when adults control their every move? They can't. Kids can't learn how to turn to other kids to help solve problems or negotiate place in a group if there are adults there telling them what to do all the time. Frustration builds in the natural leaders and they bully because they cannot lead, so you have more bullies than what is natural. The weaker ones become confused and become targets for bullying instead of developing their own strengths with the help of the leaders, and accepting their own weaknesses in the order of things.
I watched a movie not long ago about an American photographer and his young son (about 12) who went into the African bush to photograph a tribe of people and animals in the area. The boy befriended an African boy around the same age.
The children of the village were free to roam, younger kids learning from the older ones. Toddlers ran off chasing after the next age up.
As each boy begins to move into adolescence (11 or 12), he is sent on a journey by himself to find a lake that is a three day trek away. The American boy and the African boy decided to travel to the lake by themselves; the American boy without his father's permission.
When the American father finds out, he is furious and wants to get into a jeep to find his son immediately. The African father says they will be ok and they should be left alone to complete their journey.
Finally after a couple days the American father can't stand not knowing where his son is or what he is doing, and convinces the African father to take him to in the direction of the lake to find the boys. They find them at the lake, unharmed and running and whooping with flamingos. The leader taught the follower that he is capable of surviving.
The African father is proud of his son's confidence and ability. The American father is astonished to find his son is much more capable than he ever would have thought.
It is absolutely necessary for kids to grow up with confidence that they can handle not only their own life, but their community, their state, their country and the world. It will all be theirs one day. They will be the adults and they need to know to make choices of what peers to listen to and when to take matters into their own hands.
It's ok that you don't understand nature and natural pecking order.
Mother pigs eat their young that are inferior, others animals do as well. Mother birds push babies out of the nest that are inferior. Then ther are others that leave those inferior ones behind to die so what nourishment the mother has goes to the stronger offspring. So much for 'ripping a new one'.
Yes, a mother animal will attack an animal if it is strange to her and messes with her young. They will protect them from other adult animals or humans, but they do not mess with other youngsters. The young are left to learn how to fend for themselves and learn from each other the natural order and how to survive within their own group.
There has to be leaders and there has to be followers. It isn't natural for all to be leaders. Also, the weaker depend on the stronger for many things. What's wrong with that? Nothing. How can kids learn to depend on themselves or each other when adults control their every move? They can't. Kids can't learn how to turn to other kids to help solve problems or negotiate place in a group if there are adults there telling them what to do all the time. Frustration builds in the natural leaders and they bully because they cannot lead, so you have more bullies than what is natural. The weaker ones become confused and become targets for bullying instead of developing their own strengths with the help of the leaders, and accepting their own weaknesses in the order of things.
I watched a movie not long ago about an American photographer and his young son (about 12) who went into the African bush to photograph a tribe of people and animals in the area. The boy befriended an African boy around the same age.
The children of the village were free to roam, younger kids learning from the older ones. Toddlers ran off chasing after the next age up.
As each boy begins to move into adolescence (11 or 12), he is sent on a journey by himself to find a lake that is a three day trek away. The American boy and the African boy decided to travel to the lake by themselves; the American boy without his father's permission.
When the American father finds out, he is furious and wants to get into a jeep to find his son immediately. The African father says they will be ok and they should be left alone to complete their journey.
Finally after a couple days the American father can't stand not knowing where his son is or what he is doing, and convinces the African father to take him to in the direction of the lake to find the boys. They find them at the lake, unharmed and running and whooping with flamingos. The leader taught the follower that he is capable of surviving.
The African father is proud of his son's confidence and ability. The American father is astonished to find his son is much more capable than he ever would have thought.
It is absolutely necessary for kids to grow up with confidence that they can handle not only their own life, but their community, their state, their country and the world. It will all be theirs one day. They will be the adults and they need to know to make choices of what peers to listen to and when to take matters into their own hands.
That's a lovely story. I'd like to give you my experience of what really happens when you let kids run wild without any adult interference.
I grew up in the 70's, when kid's went out and played with the neighborhood kids, with never an adult in sight. We were indeed left to sort out the natural order of things.
When I was 11, we moved across the country to a completely different social environment. I was excited and happy about the move. We moved into a slightly rural neighborhood next door to a family of 9 kids, 6 boys and 3 girls. The boys 6 boys were the oldest, and the 3 girls the youngest.
The oldest of the 3 girls was in my class at school. She decided we were to be friends. I didn't like her very much and declined. She took issue with this, and decided to beat me up after school. I put up a valiant fight, but she won (she had 6 older brothers, and was a lot bigger than me). She then harassed me with threats of violence every single day until they finally moved 4 years later. I ended up going over there to hang out with them just to keep the peace. The 6 older boys would threaten to join in if I didn't go along with whatever this girl wanted.
I never told my mother or any other adult about it. In those days, parents didn't get involved in the dealings of the kids. I was not a weak child, but I did not revel in confrontation and I was more than outnumbered. At one point I had to fight off 3 of the older brothers as they tried to take my shirt off in our back shed. They never tried it again, but the intimidation factor was never going to go away.
I had no adult to turn to in this situation. I had 4 years of complete misery at the hands of the bullies next door. I believe the stress of living with it daily changed me as a person, and not for the better.
The idea that the kids are all going to go down to the river and play with the flamingos is somewhat naive and contrary to the mob mentality which is part of human nature - even more so in kids that are not mature enough to see nor care about the long term consequences of their behavior.
I totally agree. "Build up the kid's confidence" is easier said than done. Some people are just born to be gentle souls. Some people are born to be loud and obnoxious.
My daughter is very smart, she participates in various activities, she's polite and respectful. She's not one to argue or fight and she'd rather walk away than to get into a confrontation. She is confident in her abilities, however.
There's more than two types of people in the world. It's not all gentle souls and loud/obnoxious people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by omigawd
I would love one of the "build up the kid's confidence" people to give a step by step instructional on how to get her to "build her confidence" and stand up to a bully. Of course, though, they cannot. Their kids were born the way they are. My child was born the way she is. They never "taught" their kids --- their kids were born with that personality trait.
Nobody is saying it's easy!
I'm the parent of a gentle soul who knows first hand how important it is to teach coping and social skills to children and let them gain confidence via handling things on their own.
My son was much like your daughter. He hates confrontation too. Actually, your daughter avoids it much more than my son did because he uses humor and sarcasm.
But his feelings were easily hurt by what kids say. He wasn't being bullied. He was overly sensitive.
It wasn't like he was a weak child and everyone in the school treated him like crap. There were a few kids who made comments and were mean.
THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I EVER MADE WAS COMING TO HIS RESCUE! I was stupid. He wasn't a special target. Those mean kids said things about everyone, not just him.
The reality is he needed to learn how to deal with it, not have me rescue him. It didn't take me long to realize my error.
My rescuing him sent a message that I didn't think he could handle things on his own. That's not healthy!
We had a lot of catching up to do because I rescued him. He had to learn the skills. It was hard work but well worth it.
I think a lot of the concepts in this thread are too extreme. Sure kids need confidence to handle things on their own. It doesn't do them any good to rescue them from every situation.
On the other hand, they're kids, and because of that they don't necessarily have the skills to handle the complexities of bullying (I'm talking real bullying, not just learning to get along with those who don't like you).
I think you have to find a balance between them gaining confidence and handling things, and them getting in over their heads in some situations. You don't want them so independent and self reliant that you've taught them that it's cowardly to ever ask for help.
A lot of adults carry that idea into their adult lives, and will go through life never seeking assistance for their problems because they're taught it's weak to do so, which can compound some really serious issues, and give them an "I don't need anyone else to help me" kind of attitude.
Our society is very complex. You can't throw everyone's scenario into the same basket and expect to treat them all the same way. Different situations require different approaches. It's silly to expect to handle all bullying problems with one solution. You have to take each case on it's own merit. Sorry if that's pointing out the obvious, but I don't see a lot of middle ground on this thread.
Omigawd, what Hope says above is SO true. Bullying hasn't gotten worse over the years - there are just additional ways to do it (i.e. electronically). Much of the physical aspect of it has actually been lessened due to stricter school policies (do you remember the amount of schoolyard fights you saw growing up - or on the way home?). My heart goes out to your daughter because my friend was her. Kind and gentle and not liking confrontation. I hate to say this, but bullying is just part of the human growth experience of social interaction. The bullying is more veiled when we get older - but it's there. I agree with Hope. I think your daughter needs to figure this out on her own. Without a DOUBT she should know she has you to talk to and comfort her, but at some point she has to find a way to resolve this. You are not going to be there for every one of her challenges as she grows into an adult. Please don't be mad at me for attaching the following here. I am not trying to be New Agey on you, but it was a small story that has always remained in my head and I like to share it. Maybe it's something you can share with your daughter too.
A man found a cocoon for a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the small opening of the cocoon are God`s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go throughall our life without any obstacles, that would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Not only that, we could never fly.
On the other hand, they're kids, and because of that they don't necessarily have the skills to handle the complexities of bullying (I'm talking real bullying, not just learning to get along with those who don't like you).
That's the point. The OP hasn't shared anything that resembles real bullying. A group of girls talk about her within ear shot, say things to her and tease her.
That happens to almost everyone at some point. What she describes isn't much different from what my overly sensitive son had to learn skills to deal wtih.
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