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I see where you are coming from, but I don't think you trying to teach him anything will go over well. My feeling is accept his behavior or let him and your sister know that it isn't working out. I guess you can insist that he talks in the morning, but you shouldn't have to insist. He should be grateful you are hosting him and be polite. Since he is not, then he should find another place to stay in the future.
It is his moodyness that really is the issue. It is not me, or my wife, that is just the way he is. But the question is should we have to deal with it in our home and on our dime?
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No. You shouldn't have to put up with rude behavior in your home and on your dime.
The one exception might be if *you* promised your sister that you would let your moody nephew stay with you during his college breaks and that is why your nephew chose to attend this particular college in the first place. In that case, I think you would owe it to your nephew/sister to try your best to make the visits work.
But you said that you did not make any such promise to your sister/nephew, so that does not apply to you.
If we just let him be and allow him to treat us (Middle aged Adults who are paying for his lodging and food) just like he treats his younger brother and his roommate at college (angry, moody, uncommunicative, etc.), that does not send him a positive message about how to act around adults.
He choses to stay with us instead of visiting the families of nearby friends. I don't think that allowing him to treat us rudely is going to be an effective lesson about dealing with adults who are not his parents. When he refused to say a word to us or respond to our questions and comments because he is not a morning person (the first three hours of his day), I told him that he can study Finance in College until he is blue in the face but unless he defers to his boss and communicates effectively in the morning, he will fail in the job. He can't treat his coworkers and other professionals he will deal with in the adult world the same as he treats people today. His parents must have spoiled him rotten. His boss and coworkers don't care if he is not a morning person.
The trouble is if we call him to task he will not know what we are talking about because that is how he always has communicated with people and thinks it is natural.
What to do? Good advice so far!
Now these are some details we can work with.
Angry and nonresponsive are different from "moody."
If he tries to set a "policy" that he doesn't talk for the first 3 hours, tell him (not in a rude way) that YOUR policy is to greet people in the morning and reply to comments from others. (I used to do this "moody" thing, and this is how my dad handled me. But he wasn't cruel or judgmental about it; he merely patiently stated HIS case in the face of my rudeness and went on with his day.)
If you address each situation as it comes up (each "no comment" etc.) without sarcasm, you will be modeling proper behavior for him instead of being a jerk back to him.
Behave in your house as you normally would, and expect him to follow basic rules of courtesy. If he tries to sleep till noon, open his door at whatever hour you feel is reasonable.
You can set up rules as you see fit, but my main suggestion would be to leave sarcasm and derision out of it.
Be the person that you would want him to be. He'll catch on, or if it is just TOO unbearable, he'll find other accomodations.
If it is just moody behavior count your blessings. You might be making him feel very unwelcome....You don't come across in your post as very caring or warn and fuzzy towards this nephew. And...Why so much disassociation w/ your family???? I'd personally love to have young relatives stay....what better way to build bonds and help shape young lives. Have you really just taken him out to do things. Not sure if you are a fisherman, a bowler, whtever...Get to know this young person....You might want to rethink this whole attitude.
If you didn't agree to his staying w/ you, you should have said so. You owe it to your sister to tell her that you don't want the kid there on his off time. She'll have to get plane tickets for his vacations...or the 19 year old needs a job and to pay his way home or whatever.
I don't think they close dorms during vacations....I've talked to a few people over the years at my local college. Maybe they don't have the regular food programs going, but I'm pretty sure it would be impossible to expect every young person to vacate campus every holiday. Call the college and ask. And, get this worked out asap...before your nephew decides to stay all summer w/ you.
Other than that....just live w/ the moody, it'll pass....sit down house rules...and as long as he isn't doing anything criminal I'd just ignore him and go about my business...Don't change your behaviors, He isn't a guest. As my FIL used to say...First time you're company, second time your a d.a.m.n nuisance Ignore him....He'll probably seek you out more.
Unusual situation since he's a sophomore so this has gone on for a while and he keeps wanting to come back to visit. He obviously likes something about coming to your home.
Maybe it's time to just sit down and have a heart to heart. Not sure lecturing him will do any good. If after a heart to heart you still don't find it pleasant to have him around then say other arrangements need to be made. I do find it odd that it's expected he spend all these breaks with you. That is asking a lot. I can see one maybe.
I also find it unusual that they make everyone leave the dorm rooms during those breaks. Winter break yes. But at our son's university, it's like JanND said. No one has to leave, but the food situation is limited. Even during winter break, they can make arrangements to stay on campus if needed. At our son's school, most living on campus are freshmen. By sophomore year the majority are living off campus.
How is he doing in school? Is he having trouble adjusting and making friends?
My sister decided, without any real involvement from me, I that her son (age 19) would spend his school Holidays, such as Spring, Fall and Thanksgiving Breaks, at our house because the dorm is closed.
How did that happen? She just said "Here's the deal: he's moving in with you for the holidays." and you didn't say anything (like "No he's not") or set down any ground rules?
Now he's telling you he's not a morning person and you still don't know how to handle it. Even though you know he treats his younger brother and his roommates horribly. Isn't he the charmer? And you let him get away with that while you foot the bill?
How about "Your house your rules" and no more you playing Mr. Limpit who doesn't seem to want to rock the boat. Speak up now and tell him to change his attitude or he's not going to be enjoying all that free hospitality of yours. But it's not even hospitality, actually. It's them telling you what to do and imposing on you. Because they can. So you can decide to let them do that or you can have a pow wow with him and tell him if he can't manage a "hello" in the morning and be a little less selfish ("But I need to be alooooone" Umm... No, he doesn't.) then you aren't the Holiday Inn any longer. Then call your sister and tell her why he's no longer going to be the blob in your spare bed.
Yes. You are allowed to say "NO".
Last edited by DewDropInn; 11-26-2012 at 08:58 AM..
If we just let him be and allow him to treat us (Middle aged Adults who are paying for his lodging and food) just like he treats his younger brother and his roommate at college (angry, moody, uncommunicative, etc.), that does not send him a positive message about how to act around adults.
He chooses to stay with us instead of visiting the families of nearby friends. I don't think that allowing him to treat us rudely is going to be an effective lesson about dealing with adults who are not his parents. When he refused to say a word to us or respond to our questions and comments because he is not a morning person (the first three hours of his day), I told him that he can study Finance in College until he is blue in the face but unless he defers to his boss and communicates effectively in the morning, he will fail in the job. He can't treat his coworkers and other professionals he will deal with in the adult world the same as he treats people today. His parents must have spoiled him rotten. His boss and coworkers don't care if he is not a morning person.
The trouble is if we call him to task he will not know what we are talking about because that is how he always has communicated with people and thinks it is natural.
What to do? Good advice so far!
You keep saying that you barely know him...or your sister. How is that if he has been staying at your home on breaks for 2 years of college? And, you don't know him. After this length of time you should know him very well....Are you the sullen moody Uncle?
You mentioned "sad" If he is depressed encourage him to seek counseling...Sounds like he has personality issues to me. Try not to say ugly things, that just makes a shy/sad person try even less to talk.
You either need to sit him down and say you've let this moody sullen behavior while in your home go on for too long. Address the issues, w/out being mean. Discuss what your expectations are....You expect him to do...and give a list of chores....You expect meals at this time....etc. I don't think expecting a moody/sad/sullen person to change will be a reasonable expectation. This is personality. Perhaps this visiting needs to change.... If you don't want to tolerate his visits anymore, just come out and say so.
If that's what you determine, give the Mom and the son notice.
Most people want to live off campus, by sophomore year that's generally what happens. Your helping is probably purely economics. Where does your stepson fit into this picture???
Do you have any similar interests you can go out and do together? Don't let him be "bored out of his mind" in your house - plan ahead and find something to do...a local festival, museums, movies, etc. Once he has more friends, he may likely plan his own breaks with friends to go on road trips, etc.
So is that it? He isn't a morning person and you are so you clash? How is he in the afternoon? It still seems minor at this point to me unless there is repeated conflicts. I could understand you being put off my a "I'm not a morning person" comment and now not liking him but if that's it then maybe you've both just come off on the wrong foot.
You seem to want to teach life lessons and he doesn't seem to want this lesson so it's left a sour taste and now you are focusing on this. How do you know he treats his brother and friends badly? Who told you this? If you are close enough to this source then maybe you can call your sister and talk about another choice.
It's hard to convict an unknown without information. I can imagine but I'm sure it wouldn't be correct. What's the core issue?
How did that happen? She just said "Here's the deal: he's moving in with you for the holidays." and you didn't say anything (like "No he's not") or set down any ground rules?
Now he's telling you he's not a morning person and you still don't know how to handle it. Even though you know he treats his younger brother and his roommates horribly. Isn't he the charmer? And you let him get away with that while you foot the bill?
How about "Your house your rules" and no more you playing Mr. Limpit who doesn't seem to want to rock the boat. Speak up now and tell him to change his attitude or he's not going to be enjoying all that free hospitality of yours. But it's not even hospitality, actually. It's them telling you what to do and imposing on you. Because they can. So you can decide to let them do that or you can have a pow wow with him and tell him if he can't manage a "hello" in the morning and be a little less selfish ("But I need to be alooooone" Umm... No, he doesn't.) then you aren't the Holiday Inn any longer. Then call your sister and tell her why he's no longer going to be the blob in your spare bed.
Yes. You are allowed to say "NO".
I agree with DEW. I've raised or been part of raising 7 kids and I know what it can be like to live with somebody who is "moody". You can be moody in your room for overnight hours but the rest of the time, if you are living in this house, you will participate and be engaged. Guess what- they wake up and realize if they want to stay, want to eat and want to come back they have to change their ways.
This is your home and you should not have to walk on eggshells. BTW- there is a great book on dealing with "grown" kids called Walking on Eggshells but this is not your own kid. he is a guest and he should act like he appreciates your accommodations. I can also understand why you don't know him by now if he won't interact with you.
Again- tell him how you feel, what you expect and how it will be. At 19, he sounds very young and spoiled. You just might be doing him a great favor by letting him know NOW life will not be kind to him if he won't make an effort.
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