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I am a step parent of a child who is off to college but because he is really my wife's child and he was off to college when we got married I can say I have no experience being around many young people.
OK, with that in mind I need advice from parents and others that understand the mentality of kids in their late teens.
My sister's son decided he wanted to move to the East Coast to go to college and picked a University about 75 miles from where I live. I really did not know the young man very well because he lived 2000 miles away and I only saw him occasionally. My sister decided, without any real involvement from me, I that her son (age 19) would spend his school Holidays, such as Spring, Fall and Thanksgiving Breaks, at our house because the dorm is closed.
I am struggling as a middle aged person, who did not have children in my 20s, 30s or 40s, to understand the mentality of someone 19 years old. My 19 year old nephew, when he comes to stay at my home, is moody, quiet, distracted and a lousy conversationalist 60% of the time. The other 40% of the time he is kind of manic and outgoing. I have never seen anyone change their mood so often in one day. I can't relate because I am always pretty much in a good mood and talkative most of the time.
Here is my question: I can't stand his moods and wish that he wouldn't have come to Virginia to go to college and we didn't have to sponsor him for this school holidays. My 20 year old stepson is not like this and he is the only person that age that I really know all that well. I don't remember being so moody when I was 19 years old.
Should I talk to him next time he comes and tell him that if he is going to come to OUR HOME he needs to clean up his act and stop being so moody? He is visiting our home and eating our food and being entertained by us. Or would talking to him about our concerns make it worse because we aren't his parents? (I suspect he would never admit their is a problem with his moods.)
I really don't know how to tell my sister about this because we really aren't that close and she couldn't change him from 2000 miles away. So?
I would suspect your nephew is not excited about being "dumped" into a situation he didn't ask for and is simply a matter of convenience to his mother - sending him to someone's house instead of buying a plane ticket back home (as most other students' parents would do). He may well resent that right off the top. He is out of his element and regular routine . . . he is not around his friends . . . so he is bound to be somewhat miserable in this situation with folks who are basically strangers.
I would try to stay at least tentatively in touch w/ him during the times in between his visits, if only to text occasionally and ask how things are going . . . just to show some interest in his life. Also, I would find out if there is a time he would like to have you pick him up or arrange travel for him to your home over a weekend - or to have you visit with him on campus. I seriously doubt he would be interested in either thing, but at least show YOUR interest as the adult in the situation.
The next time he is in your home, just give him the rundown on expectations (does he borrow your car? what are the rules? Do you give him spending money? Does he have friends over? etc) . . . and ask him if the situation makes him uncomfortable. Just get it out in the open. I doubt he is thrilled about it - how could he be? Not like you are close to him.
If he says it is a "weird" set up or that he feels uneasy b/c he is out of his regular routine, you need to pass this on to your sister and tell her this is not going so well . . . and ask her how she came to this arrangement - and did her son have any input, i.e., maybe he has found friends he can visit during breaks . . . In any case, just b/c you have a sister, it doesn't mean someone else has the right to dictate who is staying in your home. If you find your nephew being there is a total disruption, you need to tell your sister - SORRY - she is going to have to make different plans.
Sounds to me like your sister made some big presumptions when she "worked out" this arrangement.
Now, as far as his staying with you . . . don't try to engage him in a lot of conversation or expect him to be communicative. Maybe he would like to sleep most of the day or play video games. Maybe he feels totally ill at ease in your home. Who knows? Make his room his sanctuary and if he doesn't want to come out for regular meals - big deal. Think of him as a boarder while he is there . . . ask him about meals . . . maybe he would like to participate in meal prep, maybe he wouldn't. ASK HIM what he feels comfortable participating in . . . and if he changes his mind at the last minute . . . don't let it concern you. He doubtless feels like an intruder - it isn't as though you were close and staying with you is something he looks forward to.
BTW - you can't compare the situation to your stepson coming home . . . he is there because Mom is there! So doubtless he feels like he is coming home to see his mom . . . whereas your nephew probably feels he has been "dumped" on someone he basically doesn't even really know.
If he's a freshman, he's only started college and has only been to your home once or twice. I think it's fair to say he's probably as uncomfortable about the situation as you are. As time goes on he may very well find other arrangements for short holidays. Also consider that he maybe having some difficulties adjusting to college life. He may be homesick. He may be going through a bit of culture shock as well if he grew up in a very different part of the country.
If he's a sophomore and this has been going on awhile, why don't you ask him? Just honestly try to find out about him. Not by lecturing him or dictating. Askhim what's going on. You might be surprised.
As for him not being like you or your stepson, well.....we're all different.
Last edited by maciesmom; 11-26-2012 at 05:33 AM..
I think it was very inconsiderate and pushy for your sister to ssume her kid was welcome at your house as a free loader all throughout the year. Perhaps she was happy to get rid of him and she didn't want him around her.
Talk to the kid. Tell him you are aware he is unhappy and you are wondering what is going on. Tell him if he is pleasant company and cooperative he is welcome but if he acts like a jerk or continues to ignore you or act like a spoiled child you will have to tell your sister to make other arrangements.
nobody but you allows someone to take advantage of you.
Family is family but if there is no connection there i for one do not feel compelled to make my own life miserable just because someone is "blood".
My nephew wanted to come out to Virginia to go to college and one of the main reasons was I lived there.
He is in his second year at college
He says he wants to come to our home during schools breaks
It is his moodyness that really is the issue. It is not me, or my wife, that is just the way he is. But the question is should we have to deal with it in our home and on our dime?
When I was his age I could not imagine being moody and uncommunicative to my Aunt and Uncle. If I was sad I would hide it to defer to them and thank them for taking me into their home.
Just deal with him the way you would any guest in your home.
Right now you are annoyed because he isn't living up to your expectations. I think you should just be kind to him. Approaching him with a judgmental, authoritarian attitude would be a mistake.
Meet him "where he is at." Instead of being peeved because he is not like you, just accept that he is his own person. Unless he is being belligerent or outright disrespectful, approach him with kindness and acceptance and try to learn more about him. Include him in some of your plans. It doesn't matter if you think a 19-yr-old would be into it. If it's something you're going to do, see if he wants to do it to. Invite him to help with stuff at home. He probably doesn't know what to do around the house.
In other words, treat him like a person you'd like to get to know.
"Clean up his act"?? You haven't mentioned anything terrible that he's done except disappoint you with his personality. Guys this age DO have hormone issues, so don't just write him off as "manic or moody."
Also, I agree with Ani that you should maintain a connection between visits. It will help while he is there.
Careful not to let your resentment show. Think of how that would make you feel if you were staying with someone.
What I don't get is why he isn't staying with college friends who are from Virginia. That's what we did in our day during short breaks. Someone who lived closer to the college would invite someone from faraway to stay with them and their family. Usually, 19yos are all about their friends.
Remember, you and your wife do not need to house him. You can always plan a mini vacation yourselves and not be available. You have every right to not host him.
Do you have some examples of what you mean by moody? Uncommunicative? I'm having a hard time figuring out what you mean. Is he shy or depressed? Thanks
My nephew wanted to come out to Virginia to go to college and one of the main reasons was I lived there.
He is in his second year at college
He says he wants to come to our home during schools breaks
It is his moodyness that really is the issue. It is not me, or my wife, that is just the way he is. But the question is should we have to deal with it in our home and on our dime?
When I was his age I could not imagine being moody and uncommunicative to my Aunt and Uncle. If I was sad I would hide it to defer to them and thank them for taking me into their home.
It sounds as though your nephew feels close to you for some reason. Did you spend a lot of time together when he was younger? I'm just trying to understand the dynamics here and why your sister and nephew feel so entitled to impose upon your hospitality like that.
It's not all that unusual for a late teen/early 20's young man to be a bit on the moody side. Certainly your sister is aware of that...
But, when all is said and done, you are only talking about a few weeks out of the year that you are hosting this young man. If you want him to help out around the house during his stays with you, it's o.k. for you to ask him to do just that. Make a chore chart if you have to. I see no need reason for you to go out of your way to "entertain" him.
If we just let him be and allow him to treat us (Middle aged Adults who are paying for his lodging and food) just like he treats his younger brother and his roommate at college (angry, moody, uncommunicative, etc.), that does not send him a positive message about how to act around adults.
He choses to stay with us instead of visiting the families of nearby friends. I don't think that allowing him to treat us rudely is going to be an effective lesson about dealing with adults who are not his parents. When he refused to say a word to us or respond to our questions and comments because he is not a morning person (the first three hours of his day), I told him that he can study Finance in College until he is blue in the face but unless he defers to his boss and communicates effectively in the morning, he will fail in the job. He can't treat his coworkers and other professionals he will deal with in the adult world the same as he treats people today. His parents must have spoiled him rotten. His boss and coworkers don't care if he is not a morning person.
The trouble is if we call him to task he will not know what we are talking about because that is how he always has communicated with people and thinks it is natural.
What to do? Good advice so far!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Just deal with him the way you would any guest in your home.
Right now you are annoyed because he isn't living up to your expectations. I think you should just be kind to him. Approaching him with a judgmental, authoritarian attitude would be a mistake.
Meet him "where he is at." Instead of being peeved because he is not like you, just accept that he is his own person. Unless he is being belligerent or outright disrespectful, approach him with kindness and acceptance and try to learn more about him. Include him in some of your plans. It doesn't matter if you think a 19-yr-old would be into it. If it's something you're going to do, see if he wants to do it to. Invite him to help with stuff at home. He probably doesn't know what to do around the house.
In other words, treat him like a person you'd like to get to know.
"Clean up his act"?? You haven't mentioned anything terrible that he's done except disappoint you with his personality. Guys this age DO have hormone issues, so don't just write him off as "manic or moody."
Also, I agree with Ani that you should maintain a connection between visits. It will help while he is there.
Careful not to let your resentment show. Think of how that would make you feel if you were staying with someone.
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